(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
Sunflower – I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how horrible that was and what that did to your mind and heart. The spath I dated (which was very brief) began discussing sex pretty early on in our friendship and alluded to the fact that his so-called “ex” wife married him because he was good in bed. I remember the little jolt of excitement I got, knowing that when we finally got around to doing the deed, it would be very good. In reality, it was disappointing because it happened so soon and I had not developed the proper trust (and rightfully so). I’ve had a number of lovers who seemed very skilled in the bedroom technically and wanted to prove that they were good at certain things. However, what they did not realize is that a woman is like an oven. She needs to be warmed up – not only sexually, but in other ways as well. The man needs to be kind to her in all aspects of life to where the woman feels safe and can let her guard down. The truly great lovers I’ve had (which I can count on maybe 3 fingers) understand this and understand the value of waiting. I myself have learned over the years the lesson of waiting till it is really right and not jumping the gun with sex. It tends to screw things up, but with a sociopath, it is completely devastating, because good sex or bad sex, we become bonded to the person. And this is the LAST person you ever want to have anything to do with, never mind become bonded to.
Again, I’m sorry for this horrible experience you had, and I want to let you know that there are some decent men out there who are not like this.
You are so right.
Men who brag about sexual competence should be a red flag. They are completely incompetent in bed. Next time I will WAIT. Lesson learned.
Sun and Star,
Although mine didn’t brag before the first time, he was actually amazing in bed. It was like being in bed with a robot programmed to maximize my sexual pleasure. Later, he did brag that he had been with so many women that he’d lost count.
So that IS a red flag!
Then later he told me that he had run away at age 12 and gone to live with an 18 year old prostitute, so I figured she had taught him all he knew. I’m sure that she did…so he could go to work too.
Star,
I’m sorry, I’m a bit tired tonight, I misinterpreted your question or explained my self badly…
” He actually had you help him so he could please other women in bed? ”
No He didn’t make me do anything other than having sex with him against my will. I believe he was only with me to practise his skills, not because he loved me. I didn’t know I was being used for sex ( and money and power). I used to wonder why he would do certain activities knowing I didn’t like it at all. I suspected he only did them because some other girl said that it was HER preference. I found logs from FB, Skype, Msn he had written with girls bragging about his skills ( he never bragged to me either Sky, but to others ) and my conclusion is that he must have used me /duped me as a practise doll so he could go out and conquer other women. Since I was older than him it is not unreasonable to guess that he might (as young men do) think I could teach him what I knew. I found textmessages to a specific girl he had so called earlier been “in love with” discussing sex. He had those discussions every day for over six months and about 20- 40 texts per day. His best friend he called her. Right…
When he popped that question it kinda confirmed my suspicions. He used to ask me alot about women, so much to that degree I wondered what the h### kinda planet he was from or if he ever knew what a woman was. I was completely flabbergasted so many times. It was to the point that he wanted to stand between my legs and watch how a tampon was…. you get the picture… How the female mind worked, how to build trust, what girls said about men, how to do this and how to do that. Simple things a man in his twenties should know.
I felt like THE experiment on every single level. Degrading every single bit of it. Listen I was not even allowed to go to the bathroom alone, he would stand over me and watch me every single time. Even at the cinema he would go with me. Get it?
To me this man is the living version of hell on earth, the nightmare and terrorist of my entire life.
Just wanted to clarify that.
Sunflower, he actually followed you into the bathroom? Holy crap! That would last about 5 minutes with me and he’d be out the door so fast he wouldn’t know which foot kicked him in the ass. What kind of person does this? Oh right, a sociopath – they certainly are miserable creatures.
But on a practical note, after the spath who crossed my path, I’ve learned to be suspicious of any guy who is talking about sex early on. If any mention of sex is in a dating site profile, I will not even give the guy a second look. But if he is talking about it or bragging about his skills in the first few dates especially, he’s done. The men I’ve known who were genuinely great lovers never bragged or even talked about sex before it happened. It just happened naturally and spontaneously as a result of deepening intimacy. Sex and sensuality are expressions of intimacy. They are not a sport!
I think when someone has so egregiously violated boundaries for a long period of time, such as by following you into the bathroom, you begin to lose your sense of self. I can see where this happened to me at various times with various men. When I was 30, I dated one guy who insisted that I dress up for bed every night in stockings, lingerie, g-strings, high heels, and quarter cup bras, even though it was extremely uncomfortable for me. Looking back, I can’t believe I actually did this on and off for a year and a half. What was I thinking? Nowadays if a guy even looks at me a way I don’t like, I speak up about it. My ex-lover neighbor that I’m good friends with nowadays tells me I am very direct and don’t put up with any shit from anyone. He says it like it’s a character flaw, like it’s too much. I’m glad I’m like this though. I spent too long letting men disrespect me because I didn’t know who I was or how to stand up for myself.
Oh yeah he did, I could not shower alone either or go to bed alone. He slept litterary on top of me every night, I could not move an inch before he took it as I wasn’t attracted to him. If I did certain things he would take revenge on me…bla bla bla bla….Let me tell you, a bunch of children is easier and less demanding to cope with than him.
I did loose every sense of my self. Do you know what, you say that and I did that too, but it doesn’t help if you don’t get them out of your life before Hello.
I locked the bathroom door, he unlocked it with a screwdriver. I told him to leave my house he refused to leave. I said I didn’t want to be in a relationship because he was too young, whoops suddenly I had a cohibitant. I said no to sex and suddenly I apparantly had. I said I didn’t want him texting me all the time, but he only doubled it. I told him to leave my personal stuff alone, he went through all of it. I asked him to be honest, he lied even worse. I told him not to put knives on the bedside table, he did it anyway.
I didn’t matter what I did, he was all over me all the time and in the end I totally resigned and gave in. I refused, refused, refused and argued, argued, argued. Nothing worked. He only got worse. As the time went by, he flipped it around it was me who had done it all.
He didn’t need the sex, he ment it was I who pressured him so much to be a great lover. Fine I said, let’s not have sex at all- I want time off, then he cried because I didn’t find him attractive and how his father had sexually abused him. He thought it was nice to fight and argue because it brought us closer together and he knew where he had me – It was I who who had drama queen issues, but in reality it was him pressuring my limits way over the edge so he could have his way with watever it was of his childish needs. I didn’t wear make up because he thought it was not nice on me, he put down my looks, my perfume, clothings, but it was me who was jealous. I got mad he put knives by the bed- I was ungrateful of his help and support. I didn’t trust him after cheating- I was controlling. I have so many examples to give on how he flipped the table around. No wonder I was such a mess. When I came out of it, I couldn’t tell what kind of food I liked. I didn’t know. Just after 6 months! I’ve used a year and a half just to put the pieces of my self back in place and I’m still not done. The relationship only lasted for 6 MONTHS!
The worst part is, he knew about my past (being raped by another man) and he did exactly the same. That was the biggest shock to me, the hardest part to get over.
Yes, that’s the secret Star. Know who you are and stand by it no matter what! No second guessing and no regrets. Get them out of your life before Hello.
Back_from_the_edge , oh my god. You explained my guy exactly. That is how it was at the beginning, all the women, but I was special an he was going to stop seeing the others. lol. I believed everything he said, he was the first guy I could even see myself marrying. I was from such a sheltered an diff life from him. Since thn I have lied for him, put up with him pushing me aside for others, I moved towns. I have been there through some health scares an two operations he has had. He knows how much I feel for him, but insistes on telling me I am to fat an ugly for him. I wear size 10 clothes an weigh 57kg. But for some reason I feel fat an ugly an before him I never gave a shit about my weight or looks. grrrr. We are not a couple, but he texts an rings every day. if I do not answer I am the worst, but if I contact him to much I am a stalker. At the moment he only has me, but I know he is taking up drinking again and keeps asking me where he should go to find some sexy women. This cuts my heart open. He knows how I feel about him yet he lies an says such mean things, but on the other hand he helps me out when I need him an can be so nice an caring. Its from one extreme to the other. I struggle to function an have 2 boys to look after (not his) So after his arrogance last night I hung up on him and did not text him back as I usually would. Have decided today is the start of no contact, but i am so fcked up I want to text an talk to him even if i know he will tell me hurtful things and I also would love to give him a piece of my mind, tell him some truths. But he wont hear them an if he does he will just laugh an turn it around on me. For some reason I love this man (or am addicted) Its such a strong feeling . I have never been like this before, I have lost the strong independent me an have become some sad clingy whatever. I dont think I can get through the day without hearing from him, but he is expecting me to allways contact him.
Sunflower, what a hard way to learn that lesson – about knowing who you are and standing by it no matter what. I believe the universe sent this person your way so that you would know who you are beyond any doubt. There are a lot of people in mediocre marriages who really don’t have much sense of who they are. At least in the aftermath of what you have been through, you will never be one of these people. If there is ever a silver lining with a sociopath, that must be it. You come to know yourself very very well.
And Sunflower, your story reminded me of my two boa constrictors when they were younger. I mistakenly kept them together in the same tank thinking they would enjoy each other’s company. They looked so cute all cuddled up and intertwined. Until the boy stopped eating. And when he would shed, he would have a strip of shed remaining along the top of his back (where she way lying on top of him while he was trying to shed!). Eventually, I separated them, and he started eating once again. Like my snakes, it’s sometimes hard to really know and see when you are too enmeshed. The enmeshment prevents you from seeing it. Only when you separate yourself out can you see it.
19kittykat73,
No Contact works to help break that magnetic bond that keeps you wanting to go back to him. It is hardest at first, like breaking an addiction. It will work if you work at it. Like breaking an addiction, sometimes it takes a few attempts (and going back) before you can finally free yourself once and for all.
Anything you can do that will help — do it. Like blocking his number, saying those things you want to say to him — but not to him; write it down in a diary, or on paper and burn it, or something like that. Write his name down and draw a line through it. Say to yourself, “that chapter is over.” and mentally see yourself closing a book, now that you are finished. (take that book back to the library — you are done!) Or say to yourself, “My work is done here.” And see yourself leaving, going through a door and closing it. (all of these things are powerful and can help) Look in the mirror and see your beauty — really see it. Watch cartoons or something that makes you laugh. Avoid places where you might run into him, for the time being. Think about a future for yourself filled with people who are kind to you, think about yourself in a relationship with someone who can return your love.
Good luck to you.