(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
Dupey,
“childish psychopathy” LOL!
I don’t even know how to respond to that. It’s so…utterly descriptive.
lol: ‘so utterly descriptive’; huh?
that is pretty much the bottom line; isn’t it?
have a good weekend, skylar….
xxoo
I haven’t been here since the springtime. I’ll have to do some reading to catch up. I turned 40 in September finally realized that I need to be good to myself and stop sabotaging me. I truly gave up cigarettes for the last time on September 22nd. I’ve gained some weight but at least I’m not smoking and realized that my weight is not the end of the world.
I finally was hit this week by the realization that I am responsible for a lot of the horrible things that have happened to me. I have problems and it’s time to quit playing ostrich and take my head out of the sand. Due to the N parents, I have serious issues and have not been able to connect them and make sense of it. My mother was the engulfing mother and my dad was the ignoring one. Jesus was more important to my mother than I was and she wanted to engulf me but at the same time couldn’t meet my emotional needs. She had no boundaries and I learned that behavior.
I remember being so upset by the N man who brought me here when he pointed out my issues to me when he discarded me. The honest truth is that he was right. I do have a seriously intense fear of abandonment and it sabotages me. The thing is that I wasn’t aware of it until now and I was able to dig deep and pin down the incident with my father that caused it. What I now know is that I have had it all along in prior relationships. I realize now that me choosing to be in that relationship did infinite amounts of hurt to me and made my fear of abandonment infinitely worse. Anytime you get involved with someone who is unavailable, especially one who belongs to someone else stirs up those abandonment issues and will make you do anything to hang on for dear life to people. I realize that I have terribly low self esteem and that relationship did absolutely zero for me in that respect. By having that relationship I was telling myself that “Elizabeth, you are worth nothing and this will prove it to you.”
I have been in tears all week over my abandonment issues. They are really disturbing. The one thing I never expected also is that all this awareness had come about due to the relationship that has had me in so much turmoil in the last two years-my friend next door. I’m in premature menopause and having tons of mood swings, so that isn’t helping.
She and I have become really good friends-it started right before hurricane Isaac and intensified a month later. We have a really good friendship which may be leading to something more. We communicate honestly and have so much in common and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Even though she is 23 years older, she treats me like an equal, like there’s no age difference at all. We take care of each other and do nice things for each other. The relationship is no longer one-sided like it used to be. We do errands together, go shopping, make dinner for each other and talking a lot and really getting to know each other. We both acknowledge how much we have in common.
I’m not saying it’s been easy to get to this point. She tugged on me for so long and had me in such turmoil that once she settled down and began to trust me, I had and still do sometimes have trouble trusting her. After all, I have always made the statement that “past behavior is an indicator of future behavior.” Now that I am aware of my fear of abandonment, it all makes sense to me now. I’m having trouble trusting her not only because of her past behavior but my fear of abandonment is completely irrational. I have never been able to have an emotionally mature relationship because of it. I have absolutely no object constancy at all. It’s scary because I read that it is usually established around age 3-4 in most people-that people/objects still exist even when you can’t see them, that just because you don’t see someone doesn’t mean that they’re going to leave you. That’s why I’ve been so clingy in relationships. I hang on for dear life and it makes people uncomfortable and they want to bolt.
I’ve realized that I never have stopped loving her since the beginning. I have two quotes on my refridgerator that apply to us-“someone who really loves you see’s what a mess you can be, how moody you can get, how hard you are to handle, but still wants you in their life”. Another one is “My mother once said that if you meet a woman in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, who inspires you to do your best, and to make the most of yourself, such a woman is worthy of your love and is awakening love in your heart.”
Love isn’t a feeling but an action. I pay attention to what people do more than what they say. When she tells me she’s going to do something, she follows through. I think that she finally figured out that this is her last chance with me. I finally realized that if I continue with the fear of abandonment and it’s complete irrationality that I will end up running her away and that I will be unable to ever have a relationship for the rest of my life. I have been highly anxious all week about her going to her mom’s out of state for a few days-afraid of how I was going to react to it. As I was helping her pack and load the car I had to silently talk myself down.
After she left I was crying and started writing in my journal again. That’s what I’m going to have to do. I can’t believe how totally irrational and crazy it is that I immediately started feeling like somehow her feelings were going to change and everything we have built was going to disappear because she was gone for a couple days where I couldn’t see her. Do you know how crazy that sounds? I didn’t start to realize that until earlier this week. We had been spending so much time together nonstop that when I didn’t see her the next day I started to feel that feeling that she was going to run away.
I finally realized that after having several candlelight dinners in a row where we had a wonderful time plus an evening of snuggling on the couch under a blanket in front of the TV, that she may get a little overwhelmed a bit, but everytime she ends up being fine and my fears are unfounded.
The gist of all these words and my long-windedness here is that I have finally realized just how messed up I am and that I cannot be the victim all the time. I am reading everything I can find on abandonment issues and object constancy and what I can do to help myself and journal writing is going to be the key. I can’t believe how inbelievable insane it sounds that I can actually believe that if I don’t see her for a day or to that her feelings toward me will change. It seems from her behavior though that she is sensitive to it and does little things to make me worry less or have less anxiety.
I feel like I have this massive thing that I need to work on. This has been part of my nature since about the 3rd grade I think. I am praying so hard to God that I can get over it. It is the only way I can have a mature relationship with someone. Every relationship I’ve had is immature because of this big giant “THING”. This is the only time it feels different. I think it helps me knowing that I HAVE to take my time with her and be patient because it’s the only way it’ll work. I have to respect her by not making any moves whatsoever and leave that entirely up to her. I never thought that I would ever say that this relationship is good for me, but it’s teaching me about myself and allowing us to get to know each other on a really honest basis.
I’m sorry I’ve been so long-winded. I’m going to say goodnight and go to sleep now.
Dear Ebenn
I just read your post & can relate. I’ve been aware of my abandonment issues since I was 21 & that was 30 years ago. After my spath experience left me in the gutter in more ways than one I blamed myself completely. i had been in a career where taking accountability for success & failures had everything to do with my success.
My first reaction was I let it happen. In fact I made it happen by my actions & inactions. After lying in bed for a year first sleeping non stop & then not sleeping hardly at all, therapy with a woman who got it & got me, & this site most of all, I heard & read a lot of truths. It took a while for these truths to become mine but I want to share with you a few things that are helping.
It was 2008 when my life collapsed around me. So THIS STUFF TAKES TIME. It just does. Reading & hearing this stuff does not make it so. Take time to ponder one revelation at a time. Roll it around in Your head Apply it to real time situations for a week or a month or a year. It will take as long as it takes.
One thing I had to learn was PATIENCE. Patience with myself & with others. I was “Miss I want it & I Will Make it So” for a very long time. Until I was exhausted by the sheer effort of doing everything. POINT was that I believed if I didn’t do it it wouldn’t happen. COUNTER POINT became If I do everything I’m not letting anyone else do it. The PUNCH LINE (in a dry wit sort of way) ended up as I’m not doing anything ever again I want someone else to do it now. The reality was in the counterpoint actually. It’s a balance.
Then I pondered BE NICE TO YOURSELF. I have been in & out of therapy over time & at the height of my despair a Psychiatrist who was seeing me on occasion in combination with my therapist for no cost said, “”.& most of all be nice to yourself.” as I was leaving. I went weak in the knees. I had never had that said to me in my life. I had never even considered not being hard on myself. It wasn’t even a part of my psyche. i’m still rolling around with that one. Baby steps. Eureka!
FORGIVENESS is a constant consternation for me. Always has been. Forgiving myself unheard of. The definition exactly of forgiving others who have seriously wronged me? I still don’t know exactly what to do with that. I do know the overwhelming feeling of actually wanting to hurt another human being felt awful. Feels awful. I’ve been angry at others but never to this extent. What Oxy, Back from the Edge, & Truthspeaks say in the former posts about bitterness is true. I know that it eats me alive. It is a poison. As hard as I want that poison to kill some else thus far it hasn’t happened. I am not the same. It hasn’t killed me yet either but there are times when it is so close I can see & feel the calm of the still in the blackness that would follow. The Spath I assume (no contact since May of 2011 Hurray!) is living his life without a thought or consideration to me, or the destruction of my life he left behind him. The only person who cares or who is hurt by it is me. He has no clue & if he did he still wouldn’t care.
THESE REVELATIONS do not completely eliminate my anger but they enable me to be KIND TO MYSELF. I now know that this was the work of pure evil, of meeting the devil, looking into his eyes & thinking I saw heaven only to be led down the path to hell on earth. I have been able to work on FORGIVENESS with the steps I took that landed me here. I have no choice but to experience being PATIENT that these things take time.
I am not the same person I was before. I don’t think I will ever be. I am seriously grieving that loss. I miss her. I don’t know who I am yet. I liked the person I had become. So far from my background I had come. I thought I was “THERE.” My work was done. I had survived & overcome the most auspicious of starts. I had thrived. But my issues were all still there manifesting themselves in the various techniques I took to land here. It is said that when you build a house of cards the single removal of one card will make it all fall down. It turns out I had build a castle of cards. Along came the spath who moved a few cards around when I wasn’t looking then took one with him as he was leaving.
How could I see that coming? I believe in love, trust, caring for other human beings. The fact I couldn’t “make it so” means nothing. The fact that I would never do any of these things he did to me does not make it my fault. The fact that I didn’t see it coming is not my fault that is their motive of operation. I still need to believe in love, trust & caring for other human beings. Key word? Other human beings??? Really? Apparently it did not dawn on me that I should care for myself as one of those human beings I care so much about.
I’m left one card short of a deck now. I have to learn to deal with that. I’m still learning. I have made it so that I am at the point where I have no choice but to do something different. To introduce myself to the new me. I have days until I haven’t another dime or the ability to find another dime without starting a new career. Rebuilding the new me. To stop mourning the old me. So I step off the curb & do my best armed with this experience as knowledge to avoid the large buses out there waiting to run me down. Wish me luck. Wish us all luck. xoxoxxo Lil
ElizabethB, TOWANDA for you, my dear!
No, healing and recovery isn’t simple, easy, or painless. It is tantamount to recovering from a major, intrusive surgery. There is pain, discomfort, infection, and rehab, and it’s all uncomfortable.
I used to believe that emotional healing was some kind of New Age Epiphany that came complete with feelings of Universal One-ness with soothing windchimes sounding all the while. My recovery has been anything BUT that. And, I have yet to meet anyone who’s recovery from spath entanglements was.
Good for YOU for staring down the reflection and making the choice to alter “what was” into “what CAN be!”
Towanda, ElizabethB, and brightest encouraging blessings!
Lillian, when I finally decided to “meet” my damaged “inner child,” it was terrifying. I didn’t want to see that little girl with tangled hair and dirty face that was full of fear and abandonment – I didn’t. I was afraid. I didn’t want to “feel” the same things that she was feeling, and I didn’t want to comfort her or help her. It was too frightening, at first.
When I “met” the inner child, in my mind’s eye, I squatted down in front of her and looked into her fear-filled eyes and the dam burst forth. I still get choked up about it, today, when I think about how afraid that child was and how devalued she felt. I cried and cried until I thought that my heart was going to stop – literally, it was a painful experience. Then, in my visualization, I reached out to that filthy, terrified child and pulled her into my arms and promised her that she would NEVER have to feel alone, again. That I was going to clean her face, brush her hair, and hold her tight for the rest of my life. I gave that precious child a name of her own – not my name, but one that was beautiful and would reflect what a beautiful child she was.
I never would have believed that such an emotional exercise would result in self-assurance and validation. Not ever. At first, it sounded like absolute nonsense to me. Visualizing myself as an abandoned, frightened child? REALLY? Bullshit! Oh, but it wasn’t bullshit, at all. And, now, my inner child and I are okay with one another. Sometimes, she throws a good tantrum and I have a LONG way to go before I learn how to put those tantrums down. But, it was probably one of the most powerful things that I’ve done during this recovery process, bar none. Emotionally speaking, that is.
I wanna get to that place where there is Universal One-ness and windchimes are tinkling in the background. I desperately WANT that feeling of peace, tranquility, and purpose. Getting to that place is going to be a tough journey, but I’m no longer fearful and I have my inner child firmly by my side. We’ll go the road together.
Brightest blessings
ElizabethB:
I am still kind of confused. I thought your neighbor wasn’t gay? She is now??
Louise-I can’t answer that with certainty yet at this point. It appears that may be the case after all. She is showing signs of it. Only time will tell. We’re both just really enjoying our time together and getting to know each other right now on a level that never existed and it is a mature relationship, which is something I have never been able to have due to my intense fear of abandonment.
Truthspeak-thanks for much for what you said to me. I appreciate it so much because this is the hardest work I’ve had to do in a long time. Not letting this feeling control me is the hardest thing since it is apparently deeply ingrained in me since I was young-like I was wired to be like that. I’m trying to re-wire myself.
Lizzie,
I’m glad you have stopped living in the fantasy land of “everything is going to be wonderful when x, y or z” happens, and started enjoying TODAY.
The healing does start out learning about Ps but ends up being learning about OURSELVES. I’m glad that you are starting on that journey of self discovery. We can’t fix them, but we CAN fix ourselves.