(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
ElizabethB, it’s no easy task, but taking the first step to doing the work is, IMHO, the most painful step of all to take.
I wanted to share something with you about a former friend that I had several years ago. I grew very “close” to this person, and I thought that we had an intimate relationship – not sexual, but that we could count on one another, etc.
This gal was single and always had been. She never had children, and she seemed to live well enough under her own steam. She seemed to be independent and always so giving and helpful. When I left the first exspath, I had a juvenile in tow and did not receive any child support. The child acted out, frequently, and the father of this child couldn’t be bothered with calls from schools or the police department about his behaviors, and I lost my employment because of this.
So, I was broke and on welfare and just exiting a years-long abusive relationship and I was thoroughly vulnerable and needy. This friend that I mentioned began gifting me with food, luxury soaps/toiletries, cigarettes, and moral support. I was in such a humiliated state that I was hyper-grateful and placed a heavy value upon this relationship.
As time passed and I moved out of the state with the second exspath (whole ‘nother story, there), she continued purchasing clothing and expensive gifts for me and it made me very uncomfortable. At the time that she was gifting me with groceries, I knew what a personal sacrifice it must have been for her to dig into her own personal budget just to help me, but this was over and beyond that time when I was so desperate. I asked her to stop spending her money to send me things, and she seemed sort of hurt, but she claimed that she understood.
In the meantime, I was traveling back and forth for custody/visitation hearings and other court-ordered appointments, and I was always welcome to stay with her. Whenever this happened, she would prepare elaborate meals and so forth, and I was again placed in this position of feeling obligated to listen to her pontificate about people, their shortcomings, their personal issues, how to parent, how to cultivate a successful marriage, how to manage Family Court, and everything else under the sun. I felt “obligated” because she had shown me such selfless help, and I was deep in my shame-core.
So….there came a time when she had been ranting on and on about my personal finances and suddenly switched her gears (over the phone, now) and told me that I was “bitter” because I didn’t refer to the first abusive exspath by his given name, and by “Dipshit,” instead. I responded that he WAS a dipshit and, if I were “bitter,” I felt that I had a right to feel that way after the abuses that I had survived. She then devalued me by saying that she had experienced sexual abuse by a pair of truckers that picked her and her girlfriend up hitchiking, one night, and she took both of those truckers on in a sex romp to “protect” her friend’s virginity, so I had no room to talk about spousal rape.
The whole point of this story is that this woman who had appeared to be so caring, loving, and concerned only did so when it would provide her with a source. I learned that she had targeted MANY other women who had been in extremely vulnerable states and had done the same thing with them that she had with me to create an atmosphere of “obligation.” The personal sacrifices that she made to supply me with food, etc., turned out to be no personal sacrifice, at all, as I learned (from her own mouth) that her father had paid for her house (in cash), and that he also paid for her health insurance, previous rent, utilities, auto insurance, copious veterinary bills, food, and everything else. She was literally living a lie that she was surviving under her own steam to generate an illusion of success and frugality that did not ever exist. As an aside, her father was a very successful professional and had amassed a small fortune and did not have siblings to compete with for this fortune.
I learned a wee bit after the experience with the former friend that ANYBODY can have an agenda for whatever purposes that they may have. After that experience, I’ve been hesitant to develop close friendships with most people.
So, sort out the core issues and keep hold of those boundaries nice and tight. And, don’t be afraid to re-examine your system of beliefs, ElizabethB. My core beliefs were flawed throughout my entire life, and one of the most enlightening truths that I learned about “beliefs” is that not one is written in stone. They can (and, SHOULD) be altered, redefined, and re-examined, frequently. Not to alter them to MY specifications, but to alter them based solely upon facts and not feelings. Wow….that, for me, was one empowering truth in this whole weird journey. That I can trust FACTS and acknowledge FEELINGS, but the two don’t necessarily have to co-exist in the same context.
Anyway…….enough, right?
Brightest blessings!
Truthspeak-thanks for the story. I realized in my discovery of how the fear of abandonment has been paralyzing me, that it also gave me problems with boundaries that is totally connected with the abandonment issue. It made me needy and clingy. I have to right and talk to myself and think things through and breathe.
My N mother had zero boundaries and engulfed me and inmeshed me and not let me be me. Even though she has been out of my life for almost 2 years, occasionally I will get a text, which I ignore, but I still get highly anxious. In talking to my friend, I found that she has had issues with her mother as well and she avoided her until after they lost everything in Katrina and her mom got breast cancer. She and her mom get along well now. Apparently they do better than me and my mom. Her mom still drives her nuts sometimes but it’s easier for her to blow off than it is for me.
I am so careful with my boundaries with her because I don’t want to overwhelm her and scare her. We are completely relaxed with each other. I think she is really happy that she has has me to accept her for who she really is and she can be herself me me. I have discovered how creative and how fun she is and that’s something she doesn’t show people a lot. She has PTSD and has had severe sleep deprivation for years. We all have our issues. She was robbed three times prior to Katrina. The last time it happened she walked in on them in her home on a dark rainy night and she was alone. Luckily she ran and was able to get to safety and call the police. They took $100,000 worth of stuff and destroyed her home. She has an IRRATIONAL fear that someone is going to break into her house. She is afraid at night on the nights when I work but my giant German Shepherd helps.
Bottom line is that we all have our issues and it’s nice to have someone around where we can help each other with them. I am living for today and enjoying today because if I keep fretting about the future and doubting her and myself then it will just make me crazy.
Truthy,
That old ploy of getting you “beholden” and “obligated” to someone because of all the things they do for you, or gifts they give you, etc. is an age old tactic.
In the Scots-Irish culture I grew up in, you were not to take favors or gifts from someone you did not trust, a CLOSE friend or family member, because otherwise they might require you to repay a favor you didn’t want to do.
My egg donor kept trying to give me money….I refused to take it. I told her I didn’t need it, but thanks. She finally showed her irritation at that and said “You wouldn’t take it if you DID need it would you?” and I answered honestly “No, I wouldn’t.”
My now X BF (after my husband’s death) who I believe strongly was a P, he kept offering to buy me this or that…at the start of the relationship my washing machine died and he INSISTED on buying me a new one and I refused and he acted upset that I refused. All his other GFs he had bought lavish gifts for and I refused….of course he had cheated on both his previous wife and his GFs, but he had bought them lavish gifts so that made it okay. LOL NOT!
Enablers do things for someone else that is the responsibility of the enabled. She bought you groceries, not as a “favor,” as she pretended it was, but to OBLIGATE YOU to listen to her diatribes about what a worthless piece of carp you were. So she ENABLED you, and you were then obligated to her.
I realize now that my cultural training was ON TO SOMETHING…THE PROBLEM WAS, IT DIDN’T INCLUDE BLOOD RELATIVES….it didn’t go FAR enough in saying “don’t take favors from folks who treat you poorly even if you do share DNA”
I have quite a few friends that I would ask a favor of, or do a favor if asked and I trust those friends. There are other folks I would DO a favor for, but would NOT ask a favor of. Then there are those folks that I would neither do a favor for, or accept a favor of. The last is called NO CONTACT.
Also, I do not hold friends under obligation for any favors I have done for them….like, if I do favor A, then I get to tell you how to run your life, B….doesn’t work that way in REAL friendships.
OxD, absolutely spot-on!
Recently, a very dear and valued friend offered to loan me money, and I told her that I VERY much appreciated the offer, but that I wouldn’t be able to accept it. I will not “borrow” money from friends because, if I was able to pay it back, I wouldn’t need to “borrow” it in the first place. Given my current situation, it would be a very BAD choice to accept a loan or gift of money from someone that is dear to me because I have no means to pay anything back.
On the other hand, I am ALL about bartering.
I really like the Scots-Irish approach because money makes people behave in ways that they normally wouldn’t. And, the former friend spoke one time too many, and I ended that ugly conversation with her and never spoke to her, again.
There was a time in my life when I would accept help from anybody, and the experience with the former friend was a very valuable lesson for me. That lesson carried over to this most recent experience when I returned the personal check to the former boss, uncashed.
What I’ve noticed about money and “things” is that those things often are just a way for toxic people and people with an agenda to throw “gifts” at people as a “STFU” gesture. “You accepted my THINGS, now you must endure my criticisms and rants.” Uh……..no. Not, “No, thank you,” but simply, “No.”
Brightest blessings
Truthy, I think of bartering like I do selling or buying….it just isn’t a CASH transaction, but there is benefit given and benefit received.
So given needs to equal received for the deal to be fair and both parties happy with what they paid and what they got in return.
I have always done a lot of bartering, and “friendly barter” between friends that had nothing to do with cash value of what was given or received.
I had an old college chum I got back into contact with a few years ago and he and I both liked antiques, junk auctions, etc. and so we were “running buddies” and would go to a junk auction and eac by a $5 box of junk then sit down and sort through what we had gotten and trade stuff from one box to another. If his box had something I NEEDED and vice versa we would trade without much if any consideration of the cash value of the item.
Then I noticed that he started to get “greedy” sort of and if I had an item that I wanted to KEEP and he wanted it he would hound me to trade it. Once I had a nice draw knife in my box worth about $20 and something I NEEDED. He also had a partly broken wagon wrench worth about 50 cents that I wanted so I asked him to look through my box and pick out something to trade for the wagon wrench which he had NO USE FOR AND IT WAS WORTHLESS FOR CASH SALE….and he INSISTED ON THE DRAW KNIFE. So I kept saying No, I want to keep the draw knife.
Well, finally he took something out of my box that was about equal value to the wagon wrench and then we visited a while and as he was leaving I reached down to my box which was sitting on the porch and picked up the draw knife and HANDED IT TO HIM. He looked confused and said “what is this for?” I said “Frank, I am GIVING this to you, but I will NOT LET YOU CHEAT ME OUT OF IT.” He took the knife and left.
A few weeks later he cheated me out of $56 and when I confronted him he got up in my face, called me names etc. and I told him to get out of my house and never come back.
He is a member, but not very active, in my living history group and I have occasionally seen him at a big event or two and just ignored him. So last Christmas I got a letter/card from him telling me that since ENOUGH TIME had gone by that we should basicly just “pretend it didn’t happen” (not in those words, but that intent) he just didn’t GET IT that TIME ALONE doesn’t ever make cheating and lying never have happened and restore friendships and trust.
It wasn’t a “big deal” over the $56, that I am NC with him. It is the fact that I no longer have tolerance for people who cheat, lie, and abuse others in my “inner circle of trust” friendships whether that lie or cheating is a big lie or a little cheat, I don’t need it.
I might under some circumstances take a gift or loan (if I thought I could pay it back) of money from a couple of people, but I’d have to think very carefully first. I am much more freely giving of favors than accepting them, but also, I have learned that ACCEPTING things can be a gift in itself. So if a TRUE friend offers to help you, not someone now who will use that “favor” as an excuse to berate you, ACCEPT that favor with good grace.
Truth-that’s how it was with my N father so I don’t take things from him. He was famous for that when I was out of work last year. He helped me out financially for a minute until he found out that just because he gave me money, that he WASN’T allowed to control me. Then I am became the ungrateful bitch.
ElizabethB, that withold/reward tactic transcends ALL spath entanglements – they ALL do it.
Eugh…..(pronounced: eeeeeee ….. ew……. gh)
truth-I finally decided with him that it was better to struggle on my own than to ask and/or accept any help from him.
Dear EB,
Thank you so much for your wonderfull post. I’m a newbie on this site (been here a year or so) and it has helped me tremendously. It’s funny how everytime I struggle someone else puts the thoughts I’m having into words. It comes when most needed. When I read your post, I cried. A few days ago I realized the same my self.
Either way it’s really nice to hear your story about your neighbour and how it’s uplifting. It gives hope. It gives inspiration.
Again,
Thank you for sharing.
Lizzie
It’s good to see you again. I can relate with your abandonment issue’s. And it goes back to childhood trauma with my mentally ill mother. And all the drama that that entailed..sheesh,,no wonder we have problems with relationships. Sounds to me like your friend and you are developing a relationship not based on sex, I think that is good, so dont define it or have sexual expectations,,just have a good friend…WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT?
And I would like to say that whatever brought you here or to the point of seeking help has set the start of our healing a life time of injuries,,,forced us to do some work on us and look inward..kinda hard to do but about time we took care of our own emotional baggage instead of adding other’s baggage with ours..hugz