(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
OH MY – I have to change my user name..it appear’s I have a few stalker’s that keep up with my life via LF.
Dance’s,
Sorry to hear that. LF will accomodate, of course.
Athena
Dances with moon,
LOL at least they CARE enough to stalk you….
😆
AKA….Michael Jackson!
Oh….ooops, he did the moon walk(er). 🙂
The topic on friendship is also a timely one for me. I read EB’s post on her new friend & it is what prompted my last post regarding forgiveness & blaming one’s self for the spath experience. Even as I was writing I noticed I steered clear of the friend ship (as what I saw) as an issue because it hit close to home. After the spath left & I got my kids back my daughter’s friend alice spent four or five nights out of the week with us including entire weekends. She became like my own. Over time i got to know her mother tammy. I told tammy what had really gone on & how upset & depressed I was. Tammy took to calling me every day. Meanwhile she asked her husband for a divorce. Unbeknownst to me everyone blamed me!
At one point tammy asked me to figure out a way to keep my house. I had just sold my ex-husband’s & my joint property so I had some cash. She told me she needed me to be here because she was leaving glen & wanted to move in here. There was so much room & I saw a good heart & I was elated for this change. I asked her to be sure & I took half of the money I received from the house sale & caught up my payments. The next thing I knew she was looking at condos to rent. I asked her why & she told me that she didn’t want anyone to hate or blame me for the divorce more than they did. What??!!
i over looked that red flat pointing right out of a gun barrel practically. We continued to pal around. She continued to call me every day & support me. We began to go out & had some fun. She always drank too much & i would have two drinks the entire evening because I was the driver. Then I spotted someone I was interested in & we searched for him again for a month or so. When we ran into him he came to sit by me but Tammy had to move. She wouldn’t. She stole him right in front of me. Meanwhile one guy who she was seeing was waiting outside to drive us home.
She begged forgiveness. Only scenarios like this happened over & over. She always begged forgiveness because she was drunk. She couldn’t promise it wouldn’t happen again if she was drunk tho. Okay. Meanwhile we still hung out several times a week. I noticed typically that the guys that liked me did not like her. The guys that liked her did like me though. One quit seeing her after asking her if she’d mind if he asked me out. Some male friends of mine shared that I looked like hard work & she looked easy & that was the difference.
She was very busty, great smile, okay face & hair. a little pudgy in the middle but has long skinny legs. Me, I’m slim all over & at the time was actually skinny & wore the same size as my 15 year old daughter. Tammy & i were both late forties but look quite a bit younger. She’d see someone I liked or she liked & stick her boobs out & if they wen’t for her I learned they weren’t for me anyway. This is how I dealt with her behavior. & to a certain extent i had it right. But, if they went for me anyway she would have a fit. Drink way too much & march out of the bar with mean texts to me on the way home. I learned to avoid her & even leave early myself if I saw this coming. At one point she admitted she was jealous of me. I saw her as a guy magnet & thought this was ludicrous.
I also wasn’t working at the time & my daughter mary & alice were together all the time. It got to the point where I was feeding alice, driving her, running her errands, taking her to appointments, shopping, etc. Tammy got to the point where she used all of this time for herself & if I had an errand or appointment & asked tammy to join me she was too busy. She was too busy to every come to my house. She was too busy to go out in the evenings except for a quick drink & she was off with some guy.
I started to give back to tammy what i was getting from her & she just could’t take it. I was running out of money & she loaned me some money I took it. I continued to do her bidding. There was a small group of women that she had known forever & I became a subpart of them. They would see how she treated me & tell me I should’t put up with it. We all got together for each woman’s birthday but with Tammy’s behavior they became to be very stressful situations with someone always fighting. Then, my 50th birthday came along. Sheila offered to set it up but Tammy insisted. I gave her a list of people with phone numbers & emails. My house was the location because it was big enough. I wanted a large party with people from out of town. It was important that I reconnect with a lot of people since I had beeb through the isolation during & following the spath experience. Tammy didn’t send out any invitations until four days before. Even then she didn’t invite everybody. There was also a hometown event going on so local people couldn’t even make it. But instead of postponing the party or talking to me about it she went on. She came over the night before in a rude rush to decorate. It was my job to cook the prime rib the next day. The party was to start at 6:00. Meanwhile I talked with a few people & found out they hadn’t gotten an invitation so I invited them. The group of usual women & four other people ended up coming. In fact I have only seen two people that came to my party since & that was a year ago. I asked Tammy why she didn’t just change the party date. She threw a fit & told everyone I was ungrateful, etc. On the way out she told me that I was irresponsible with money. I reminded her about the house payments & her ditching on me to the tune of $45,000. We haven’t talked since.
I was the doer at her requests in this case & she strung me along getting me to do all these things by her calls, her loans of money & she refused to do anything for me. Even come over. I still miss her though. I had traveled up until this happened & then spent the first two years in town full time investing in her.
Red flags? Did you see a few along the way? This post only lists the highlights. Let me tell you it went on & on. I took each punch then confronted her & rolled over for it to happen again. I thought by confronting her after made it different. Well, maybe for me but not for the spath. She definitely had spath tendencies. Again, cleverly disguised as love.
It’s a cunning affliction when you think about it. For both the spath & the spath victims. I’m with Truthspeak now. Not sure I want to get close to anyone now. But I’m terribly alone & lonely. It’s very hard for me to pick myself up & carry on. But its the only alternative. I think it had to come to this for me to realize my spath attraction & weakness for them.
BOUNDARIES. i put them up & when there’s a hole in the fence I think it’s just fresh air coming through. Vigilance. A cure would be nice but that’s got to come from me. There isn’t a pill I can take unfortunately. A spath deflector vitamin would be nice. love, Lil xoxoxoxo
oh my speaking of stalkers it’s EB, lurking about…
Oh Ox we all care about you…..I have logged into LF on to many other puter’s….employer’s etc…so hence the name change..as long as ya’ll know or care that I am still about..it’s cool..
It’s EB…..the A #1 stalker chick!!! Yup…..ya can’t hide from me my lovey!!!
Howz it going?
I’m bout ready to pull out the MTP heels on the other thread. HOY!
Hey Maggie…I am as happy as a witch in a broom factory and how are you dear?
I’ve got no complaints on this end.
Well….except that it’s 3 degrees and crunchy snow on the ground already.
How is your new employment? Did I read somewhere that you are leaving the Ranchette?