(This article is copyrighted (c) 2012 by Steve Becker, LCSW. The use of male gender pronouns is strictly for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
“Loyalty” and “the sociopath” are incompatible terms. We’ve discussed many traits of the exploitive personality, but let’s not minimize a very vital one: deficient loyalty. Clearly, deficient loyalty is a sociopathic characteristic.
A deficiency of loyalty can be disguised very well by clever, self-serving rationalizations. But you will not find the case of a true sociopath about whom you will ever be able to say: he (or she) was really, through and through, truly loyal.
Loyal? What does “loyal” mean? It’s actually pretty simple to define: when you are loyal, you “have the backs” of those who’ve “had your back.”
You “have their backs” because you want to “have their backs.” You are glad, if not grateful, for the chance to “have the backs” of those who’ve had yours. This is loyalty. It’s application feels good, and it feels consonant with the loyal individual’s “value system.”
Now, in some cases “loyalty” can lead to corruption. For instance, look at law enforcement: cops, corrections officers, will often “have each others’ backs—”they will often “go down” protecting their own even in scandals where, intellectually, they are well aware that laws were broken (by colleagues and friends), and the public’s trust violated. But they “have each others’ backs,” sometimes stubbornly and illegally. Their loyalty to each other may, in a rather complex way, sometimes contravenes other “values” they may have, such as ethical ones.
In a person of conscience, this may produce real conflict and stress. In someone with a weaker conscience, this may not be the case.
In some cases, the “whistle-blower,” who might “look” more honest and courageous than his seemingly more ethically-challenged colleagues, might be more sociopathic than his “corrupt” counterparts who, in snubbing authority and the law, maintain “the backs” of those who had his (or hers).
I am not judging this phenomenon in any way at all, just pointing out its sometimes complexity.
So “loyalty—”its demonstrations (and abdications)—can encompass serious moral complexity.
This is a case where, of course, not all evidence of disloyalty is a hot red flag of sociopathy, but “disloyalty” is absolutely a feature of the sociopathic personality.
And this is especially true: when “loyalty” becomes inconvenient, now we have something to evaluate. When it’s “inconvenient” to be loyal, watch the disloyal individual (and sociopaths) shed their capacity to “seem” loyal with a variety of disturbing rationalizations, and sometimes without even the need to explain. Watch them, in any case, emerge in their truer colors.
If there is a single quality, in fact—a single, true trait—whose presence alone virtually “rules out” sociopathy, it is arguably “loyalty.”
You simply cannot be “loyal” to those in your life who have been loyal to you—that is, be truly loyal to them even when it’s no longer expedient to be so—and be truly sociopathic.
As I said, true loyalty and true sociopathy are simply incompatible concepts, and will never describe the same individual.
Steve,
The best thing AND the most difficult thing about your articles is that they often cause me to re-trace the steps of what led me here. The subjects often ring a little too true so I am responding to in an effort to then move forward and not obsess. Loyalty and it’s definition was always an on-going struggle between me and my former relationship.
It was his “mission” to constantly test my loyalty and dedication to him, although no matter how “true” I appeared to be, it was never enough. I was constantly made to choose between him/co-workers, him/family, him/sign post, you name it, it was divided. I ultimately came to this understanding and have lived by it ever since. The ONLY loyalty I owe is to my own integrity, and suddenly the confusion ceased and everything became clear. Perhaps this is selfish, but I believe in the quote that “loyalty is a currency best spent on yourself”. If a friendship or relationship ended it was probably not due to a lack of loyalty on my part, but rather because I was perserving my own need for well being and preceived priorities. That is not SELFISH, but rather a universal trait.
Anyway, thank you for provoking my thoughts, some have told me that is a challenge not for the weak.
Skylar,
I have been trying to crack this secret code that’s been my life for a long time! I held anger toward my father all my life and focused probably 100% on him. In 1995 I had been in counseling for over a year. Counselor wanted me to write the infamous parent letters and they were way overdue. My mom’s was blank every week with maybe one line that said “F this” or something to that affect. Then one night holy crap! The flood gates open and I wrote the letter. Then as I was crying uncontrollably I took it to 1st spath bf and asked “IS THIS THE TRUTH? IS THIS WHAT YOU SEE? AM I RIGHT?!!” He was stunned, read the letter and simply said, “yes”. I still have the letter and it applies today. It’s got a lot about her allowing crap. FENCE RIDING and failing to teach me basic self respect and that I deserved respect.
It is like nakedness especially when I specify. It really felt weird here. But that’s probably that ol’ family secret thing.
So from what you are reading would you say Spath 1 and Spath 2 = mom and dad ? Or NPD on mom and Spath dad? That’s where I’m leaning. Mom is self admittedly jealous and she shares this in conversation. I am not jealous by nature. All the descriptions of NPD here are spot on…… Are narcisists competitive by nature? Jealous? I would say spaths are as it’s all game.
Pearlsbeforewine,
Or maybe just survival instinct?
Eralyn,
yes I’ve read that N-mom’s are very jealous of their daughters. But I’m not sure if that’ a red flag, because I think that many parents are jealous of their kids. Honestly, I don’t know if that is “natural” or what. Kids are here to “replace” you, so maybe it’s natural to be jealous of your replacement, the person who will get everything you once had. But I don’t have kids and by nature, I don’t experience jealousy. LOL, maybe I think I’m irreplacable! 🙂
I’ve explained to my mom all about spaths and she understands how badly she has raised us. She just says she didn’t know any better because that is how she was raised.
It’s a lame excuse, I know that and I just don’t care anymore. Last night I cried for hours over her – that happens every once in a while. I think that I’ll probably continue to cry over her for years and then finally it will stop.
I know I have to re-mother myself. She will never be the mom I needed though she tries. She just doesn’t know how.
When I go into these crying spells, I listen to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8tYAfYPh3w
Mother You by Sinead O’conner. It makes me cry even more, so I don’t know why I listen to it, but I do.
Skylar,
Was that you? I have never heard that song before but it is good and I could see it being comforting but sad at the same time. It was a nice tribute.
My parents were very/too young.
It is not natural to have jealousy toward your daughters. I have a daughter but no jealousy. It’s tough to grow old while they are picking up where you left off. I am happy, anxious, excited, hopeful, wishful, fearful and then some. I could see if you embraced jealousy how you might resent aging if you’re a woman and get it maybe mixed up with jealousy toward your daughter. I don’t have that.
I did meet a mother at a retreat years ago and we were in a circle of about 7 women and she and I were eye to eye. She spoke of one daughter out of her 5 children who she was having a hard time with. She hoped the retreat would help her with these feelings toward her. I kept getting goose bumps. She was zoned in on my eyes. She kept speaking. She basically said she was jealous of her and was hard on her. The daughter was everything she wasn’t. She didn’t mean to be mean to her but she’s outspoken, a strong personality and has no limits.
She’s looking at me and I said this is wonderful. I think we are here to learn from each other. I proceeded to tell her that her daughter only loves her. She doesn’t understand your feelings and you’re her mother. Love is her main emotion and you mustn’t continue this as you will crush her spirit and she will never understand why her mother would do that. She doesn’t understand you are affected by her being her.
So it went on. I learned and actually heard a mother state she’s jealous of her daughter “light bulb”moment for me. I hope what I said had some impact. I felt it did but you never know. I knew from that day forward moms are jealous of daughters. I did give her credit for being so honest.
It’s devastating to be the daughter. You just want your mom to love you as you love them, unconditionally.
Your song made me feel all moooshhy…. I really am sorry skylar that you’ve had all this tough crap in your family and extended family. It’s too bad that we can’t have an adult conversation and with our logical mind get some answers and say our sorrys and then be all better to move forward happily. Instead it just goes on and on if you’ve had a lot.
I have a lot of trauma bonds and this traumatic court case not only brought it all up and I had to relive and at times defend it but I am so hyper sensitive I’m having the domino affect when these ‘players’ do something, say something and it’s back to square one practically.
Eralyn,
no that wasn’t me. Just someone’s tribute to their mom. I can’t find the official video right now.
I hope you were able to help that woman see things differently. In my experience, being able to see something and being able to feel it, are 2 different things. People tend to go with what they feel. It’s more “real” to them.
I also know a mother who just doesn’t like her daughter though she loves her. The whole family is a mess, and it all stems from the abusive N-dad, but they can’t see it.
What an apt word, “Player”. Now I get it. They play a game.
Once when my spath was trying to con me out of 5 thousand, I could sense how it was going to “play out” and outsmarted him. This was before I knew he was a spath, I just thought his stupidity was going to cost me money. When I ended up with a new (used) car out of the deal, he said, “YOU PLAYED ME. YOU PLAYED ME!!” Everything is just a game to them. They are sitting in the sandbox playing like a baby and we have to play or they will rage. Also, we have to let them win. or they cry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WA4iX5D9Z64
THIS is a VERY ‘catchy’ tune…
It kind of over takes you…
Happy Day everyone.
Dupey
skylar: yes, they can threaten you with your very life,
yet if you even breathe a mention of litigation, they also
scream: “YOU THREATENED ME!” Well, yes, I did.
Didn’t I? YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME OR I WILL SEE
YOU IN A COURT OF LAW. THAT is a worthy threat.
They act like babies because their emotional development
IS that of a baby. Rage and stomp their feet. Then if you
still hold firm, they will try to kill you to get whatever it is
they want from you.
NEVER. EVER.
*Edit: It is difficult to hate a soul less person.
Skylar,
It’s amazing how they have such short memories of their indiscretions but ours !!! Holy crap, it’s locked in their memory forever and will be dealt with again and again…..
How about the one glass of wine you drink while they run around screaming you’re an alcoholic and that’s the REAL problem going on here!! Yet they have just downed a 6 pack FOR THE SECOND TIME THAT DAY and yesterday and tomorrow. It is so futile but aggrevating. That’s how you know they remember their crap.
Isn’t it strange how those words fit and give aha moments over and over again? As we learn we realize we’ve been saying it all along………….”player”…. How about that word “TooL”? That’s gotta fit here somewhere as it has caught on so well.
Maybe the DSM-5 should use analogies and a toolbox. ie, my wet noodle as a hammer? I always say I feel like I don’t have the “tools” I need. “Well hello “spath”, you’ll be my hammer?”…….Ok “TOOL”. Just trying to find the link…. RUN 😉
If you had to identify your spath as a specific tool, what tool would it be????? Maybe a “SCREWdriver?” Maybe there isn’t a good tool to really compare them to. Some kind of knarling saw? Just a thought.
Eralyn…..LOL…..tools. The second exspath would probably be a septic snake. You know, the kind that loosens up clogs in the waste line? (slapping knee and laughing, alone, out loud)
Add Edit: OR A TOILETTE PLUNGER because it forces the poo down the pipes! Oh, my dear goodness…..LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Please. Someone. Stop me, now.