Sociopaths who posture as insightful and self-aware are some of the most dangerous predators around.
When I use the terms pseudo insightful and pseudo sensitive, I’m referring to the sociopath’s manipulative efforts to seem some combination of vulnerable, self-aware, sensitive and compassionate.
For some sociopaths this deception is conscious, while for others it is so seamlessly woven into their modus operandi as to feel (for them), at least in the moment, almost authentic.
Even the normal individual, low in sociopathic traits, may struggle to distinguish his deception from authenticity when finding himself “performing” in a mode in which he feels masterfully confident and comfortable—for instance, pitching a sale; or making a presentation, or speech.
But what factors make the sociopath’s “insight” and “sensitivity” pseudo versus authentic?
There is, first of all, the manipulative function of the sociopath’s pseudo sensitivity. Authentically insightful individuals use their insight and self-awareness not merely to better protect themselves and their interests, but also to better understand themselves and others.
Sociopaths, however, always wanting something from others, oriented as they are to wanting to take something from others, use their “pseudo” insight and self-awareness for exploitive purposes.
For instance, the sociopath’s interest isn’t to get to know and understand you better for purposes of increasing his depth of connection with you; rather, his interest to establish unobstructed access to you is about positioning himself to take something from you that he wants—whether you’re ready to offer it or not, and whether it’s in your best interest to offer it or not.
In other words, the sociopath is never interested in you; he is always, and only, interested in what he can take from you.
This applies also to the sociopath’s invitation to appreciate his pseudo display of vulnerability. This may take the form of his “startling sensitivity” and self-awareness. If he reads you correctly—as someone, say, who values vulnerability and substance—then he may regale you with “apparent” evidence of his capacity to be wounded; to manifest sensitive emotions; to position himself as someone who’s “in touch” with his feelings.
As always, how much he believes his performance in the moment (versus consciously recognizing it as bogus or manipulative) varies from sociopath to sociopath and from circumstance to circumstance.
Paradoxically, a more “self-aware” sociopath will recognize his fraudulence better than a less self-aware sociopath, who may be more prone to denial, self-delusion, and the belief that, at least temporarily, he really is the role he’s playing.
Regardless, sociopaths play the “self-aware,” “vulnerable” card (consciously or not) ultimately for grooming purposes—specifically, for purposes of softening your defenses and encouraging, coaxing out, your vulnerability.
This is because the less guarded, the more disarmed you are—in a word, the more vulnerable you are—the greater (the sociopath calculates) are his chances of taking from you what he wants.
Now let me apply some of these ideas to a hypothetical, real-life scenario: Let us say you are on a blind date with a very charismatic, charming sociopath. There is seemingly very intense chemistry. He watches you in a very flattering, lusting way, feasting his eyes on you all night. He tells you how attractive he finds you, that he’s mesmerized by you.
Now he isn’t necessarily lying. He could be lying, we know that, in which case his manipulation is that much more blatantly and manifestly sociopathic. But it’s also possible that he isn’t lying—that is, that he feels, in the moment, that what he’s telling you he feels is true; or, that he’s convinced himself that everything he’s telling you is true.
And so his sociopathy can’t necessarily be traced to his lying, because in this instance he may not perceive himself as lying, and, in a certain sense, he may not be lying. His sociopathy, rather, can more accurately be identified in his underlying, preexisting agenda which, in our hypothetical scenario, come hell or high water, is to “nail” you.
He made this his mission the moment he laid eyes on you and found you sexually attractive enough to make this his intention. He feels quite thrilled—perhaps even a little giddy and delighted—that you’ve proven attractive enough (in a sense, cooperative enough) to elicit his lust, which now enables him to pursue his agenda with you.
I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only agenda our hypothetical sociopath could be pursuing with you. It’s possible that he (or another sociopath) might play things differently, by approaching his interests with more or less patience; more or less calculated, disguised subterfuge.
And it’s possible that our sociopath, or a different sociopath, on this same first, blind date, might have an entirely different set of intentions, warranting a very different approach to meeting them. For instance, he or she may be a golddigging sociopath—a financial predator—less than a sexual exploiter.
However, this is what my hypothetical sociopath wants in this particular situation; accordingly, he’s going to pull out all the stops to land you in the “sack” or, one way or another, land himself in your pants.
Because all that matters—and in essence, what it always and only boils down to—is what he wants.
And so our sociopath, on meeting you and establishing his sexual interest, feels glad, elated, even excited that you bring something he wants. He may feel, beyond that, primitive gratitude that you haven’t disappointed him in this respect. Nothing, after all, could be more depresssing, more boring and less tolerable than, on his having met you, his discovering that, alas, you have nothing to give him that he wants.
Incidentally, this experience—his experience—of your uselessness elicits any number of possible reactions, including irritation, resentment, utter contempt, annoyance, and excruciating disappointment and boredom.
It is bad enough (for you) that you are only, and will never be more than, an object to the sociopath. However, for the sociopath, the fact that you are always only an object to him isn’t necessarily a problem; it is when your usefuleness as an object has run its course that the sociopath is most displeased and agitated, and when he is most likely to unmask himself as the cold, heartless person he is.
However, in our hypothetical scenario, as we’ve established, you do indeed have something he wants: he finds you gorgeous. And so in his relief, in his gladness, in his heady gratitude that you have something he wants—something that he can now can set about taking—a psychological transmutation occurs.
The sociopath’s gratitude, on discovering that you have something he wants, becomes primitively transmuted into a form of idealization—of you!
And in his primitive, corrupt idealization, the sociopath is prone to convincing himself, and you, of the sincerity of his ebulliant flattery and appreciation. So much so that when, as previously noted, he tells you he’s mesmerized by you, he may mean it, or think he means it, and he may seem and, indeed, be sincere when he says this.
But what mesmerizes him is you-the-object, not you-the-person. He is mesmerized not by the substantive you, but by his fantasy of what he imagines you will give him, or what he’ll soon coax from you or, if necessary, take from you.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
neveragain… thank you for your thoughts
I DO realize he was never who I thought he was… in fact, he was exactly who I thought he was years ago when I requested a transfer away from the base where we were both stationed.
It’s a bit long, and I apologize to those of you who might be offended by that, but I am posting the letter that I wrote to him here. After I returned home, I asked him not to contact me. About two weeks later, I received a simple text, “Happy Thanksgiving Baybee” – I recognized it to be the equivalent of running someone over with a car and then going back to kick them to see if they’re dead.
A few days later, I initiated no contact – and I called him out on everything – right or wrong. I don’t think he’ll be back… but then, it would be quite a challenge to him to break me down again, wouldn’t it?
“TowerRaven” ”“
I’ve had time to reflect on all that has happened in the past months since we began corresponding again after so many long years. I realize now that the words that last time I was in your arms were full of lies: “This won’t be the last time we’ll see each other. We will ALWAYS have each other.”
The truth is, it was the last time we will see each other, I’ve NEVER had you, and you no longer have me. My love for the man I thought you were ended the moment I realized that you idealized, exploited, devalued, discarded and abandoned me without a second thought. But you missed one thing” one tiny thing you didn’t count on” in your abuse of my feelings for you, you made me STRONGER.
You read me so well, made it so easy to forget my morals and to believe instead in you. When we began communicating in August, I was surprised and, in a way, enchanted with the scenario you laid out. You were penitent for having hurt me, expressed feelings of remorse for not recognizing that you were ’in love’ with me all those years ago” you told me that you still had feelings for me ”“ mirroring my own sentiments ”“ and drawing me into your world. I have held you for so long in my memory as this amazing man who I loved, whose child I conceived, and miscarried. How could I forget that I requested a transfer away from you? It was for good reasons that I chose to forget ”“ and to avoid the pain of the loss, I idolized you, buried your faults, and remembered only what I assessed as strength of character.
You asked me so many times, despite my protests, to “come to you.” And I did – how could I not? I’ve been in love with you my entire adult life. I opened my heart up to you fully and in doing so I allowed you to see my every weakness, my every strength, and every piece of my soul. In turn you used that information to ingratiate yourself to me. You appeared to give me unconditional love and acceptance ”“ and honestly, I believe you thought that’s what it was too. For a while, at least, you imagined that I could be that ’perfect love’ that would make you feel complete. Except you aren’t capable of love, because true love means putting someone else and their needs ahead of you and your own wants and desires. It was just a game to you ”“ one that made you feel powerful, for a time.
I suspect, sadly, that you have never felt or known pure unconditional love. The last day I was with you I told you that you reminded me of a six year old boy ”“ that I saw so much damage. I wonder now if you are aware of how broken you are, and if you are angry with whoever is responsible for crippling you emotionally? I believe you equate love with weakness. You hate being weak and you hate and despise weak people. It only goes to follow that because I made the mistake of loving you, I was weak. Because I made the mistake of sleeping with you – again – I became a whore in your eyes. Either way, in your mind I was not loveable or capable of filling the void you’ve expressed feeling in your soul and saving you from your lonely self. Though in truth, no one is capable – the void is too vast.
When you were done with me there in [city] – realized I was no longer of any value to you and in fact uncomfortable with my presence – you went into action. Managing my departure while securing an alibi for yourself, disposing of me, in a sense, without a second thought. You are not capable of empathy, could not see, understand or care about the pain you caused me. Or, perhaps I misjudge you, it’s entirely possible you do SEE it, and if that’s the case, it probably pleases you. How powerful a man you are to be able to inflict such pain on a foolish, adoring woman! You spent months reading me, giving me verbally everything I wanted to hear ”“ and then you took it away ”“ ostracizing me, breaking off all communication so that I knew just how devalued I was in your eyes” that I had meant nothing to you after all – not “worthy” of your “love.” But your love was a façade” I saw the signs before traveling to see you, but I knew I had to see you to understand what was happening.
The only reason you allowed communication the night I traveled home was because you weren’t entirely certain I wouldn’t rail against you, make a scene or worse a phone call that could ruin your carefully laid disaster recovery plan. Of course, I wouldn’t – I could never intentionally cause you the harm you continue to inflict on yourself and those around you. How relieved you must have been for me to ask you not to contact me! How perfectly off the hook and free of THAT burden you must feel! Still, you contacted me on Thanksgiving and that is something I simply won’t allow ”“ understand me when I tell you there will be no contact going forward.
Now I know all too well what transpired ”“ and who you are”. and have always been” incapable of developing any measure of intimacy save what you emulate in others as a means of controlling their emotions and response to you. Because you lack empathy, you are incapable of offering any emotional sustenance to a partner.
You told me you realized your sexual life with your wife was not fulfilling soon after marriage… that makes sense. She isn’t a whore and became a Madonna to you in her attempts to become pregnant, to bear children, and to build a home. She loved you and took care of you and therefore was no longer attractive to you. You prefer to make love to yourself – the only perfect and acceptable partner you know. In November, even with me, the promise of a passionate reunion never availed itself ”“ you used my body to masturbate your own.
Still, you speak well of your wife, which tells me you fear her – what she could do to bring your make-believe semblance of a world crashing down around you. When I watched you terrified, scrambling, trying to ensure she did not find out about our tryst, I realize what a lonely, sad, and also a very angry man you are. Angry not because you never experienced love and probably never will” Instead, you are angry because you are not as powerful, admired and successful as you had planned to be and as you feel you deserve to be. Your daydreams refuse to come true no matter how you wish them so. If she does divorce you it could mean the loss of your clearances – career suicide.
You are a warrior – a Spartan, as you put it – able to start again with nothing because the attachment you have to your current life is not real… and a shaky foundation on which to base a family or future plans. This is no secret, you know as much. You cannot conceive of a life in one place with one set of people, doing the same thing, in the same field with one goal within a decades-old game plan. To you, this is death. You are most terrified of growing old, of boredom and whenever faced with its haunting prospect, you inject drama into your life (your cat and mouse game with me) or even danger (the job A is offering you.) This is the only way you feel alive.
I don’t know what’s going to happen to you” I can’t care anymore ”“ though I have to tell you, the man I thought you were is an amazing man ”“ someone I wish you could know” had somehow aspired to be. I LOVED that man with all my heart, and much to my detriment. Whoever damaged you as a child should be damned for leaving you this way ”“ crippled with fear of being called an imposter and self-loathing to the extent you display the antithesis in every effort to make yourself feel alive and to fill the void that may never be satisfied because the things you seek to fill it with don’t exist ”“ like you, they are a mirage.
For me, knowing all I know now, the man of my memory is dead to me; he was make-believe anyway, a product of the imagination of a young girl perpetuated by hurt and maternal loss. What remains is truly, poetically, tragically a ’Beautiful Disaster’. When I asked you why you loved me, you couldn’t tell me, but I know now it was because you were enthralled with the way you saw yourself reflected in my eyes – like Narcissus staring into the pool at his own reflection. Such a pity it took 24 years after meeting you for me to break the cycle ”“ I will no longer be your Echo.
When I met you, I felt as though I’d known you my entire life ”“ because I have ”“ you and people like you who use people up and discard them without a thought. My parents, my ex-husband” as hurtful as letting go of my illusion of the wonderful “TowerRaven” is ”“ the truth is I CAN finally let you go, and for that I am grateful. I told you on the bench that last day that I could see your pain – your damage – but I also know I can’t help you. If I thought I could… if you could be put back together… I’d do my best to try, but all you would do is hurt me – again.
You will not acknowledge and likely deny everything I have written ”“ but even as I know this I know you’ve read every last word ”“ after all, it’s about you. I realize that I can’t even hate you ”“ but I pity you. And now you will blame me for all that has happened, but I have accepted my responsibility and made peace with myself for the faults that are mine. As a woman, regardless of our history, I knew better than to become involved with a married man ”“ no matter what you claimed your status to be.
You said to me, the last time you touched me, that we would “always have each other— what you meant to say, was that YOU would always have ME ”“ to provide you with the things you need when you are lonely ”“ when no other source exists to feed your emptiness. I can’t be there for you though, because I know in my heart you will never be good for me. This is the last correspondence I will send to you, and I ask you to respect my wishes by not contacting me again.
You are in counseling with your wife now, and I’m sure you’ve made me the scapegoat in all of this. I wonder how much of what you told me was actually truth. But it doesn’t matter anymore than the truths or lies you are sharing in counseling, because I doubt you’ll take advantage of it. It would be too much for you – scared little boy of a man that you are – to let the walls down and to be seen ”“ to see yourself ”“ as you are. I’m not sure you could stand it ”“ for your sake, I hope your advancing age will lead you to seek solace and to heal ”“ eventually you will burnout and I hope someone is left who you haven’t damaged so much they too leave you. The choices you make going forward are none of my business. I sincerely hope that somehow you ”“ and at the very least the people you’ve hurt and continue to hurt – find peace. I know I intend to ”“ again.
Ravenlesstower
This really hit home. His whole seduction was focused on me from the beginning. The longing looks, feeling hurt if I talked to another man, the concern that I didn’t love him as much as he loved me right away. I found it weird (should have listened to my gut) but then endearing finally because he seemed so in love with me. But I realize that it was always a means to an end. There was always a seduction that gave him the results he desired. I remember someone telling me that he did mean what he said “at that moment” but that it didn’t last past the moment. I guess what kept me hooked in so long was that I couldn’t connect with the fact that there was no real feeling behind the words and gestures. I just couldn’t compute that someone could say the things he said and show so much affection and caring but not mean it. That is what is so devasting and confusing. The thing that drives me crazy is the thought that he just goes to the next person and does the same seduction process. That hurts, confuses and makes me feel so worthless for some reason. It sickens me to think that he is saying the same things, making the same gestures, saying the same things in bed to someone else. I have such a hard time integrating that into my own feelings–the fact that is just that easy for him. I think that is what does such damage to the victim. That is the legacy they leave behind — confusion, pain and humiliation. Moving beyond that is slow moving for the victim and a fast track for for the sociopath. There is no real feeling there that they connect with, while we connect with all our feelings. We are left naked in emotion while they walk away.
And yes Raven they paint this dream.. they figure you out and create the kind of dream that you want.. and they may want also.. but have no way to create or make happen .. it’s all games, illusions and delusions… we buy into it for awhlte becasue we want it and because we think..wow..maybe this is the man that can make it happen…. but he can’t … he wants to take and control and use for his benefit… nothing is for you.. it’s for his ego, his use, his manipulation… and lines get so blurred at times.. because of exactly what is written in this article..
Witty,
the things you described about your teenage sons behaviour, brought back so many memories[none of them good ones!] of the way my teeenage daughter,{now almost 46,} used to behave and carry on. The nicer I was to her, the more kind, helpful and understanding, the more she seemed to loathe and detest me.It culminated in her leaving school without our permission, and running away from home, disappearing for 6 months I was beside myself with worry, and the police would do NOTHING to help me find her. At that stage she had her own little flat under the house, with her own toilet and shower, and even a mini kitchenette. My ex and I furnished it for her with mainly second hand stuff, witha square of green carpet, which we picke d up cheap. My ex even made a wooden bed for her, and we bought a mattress and bedding, and a new wardrobe.She was talking about quitting school at this stage, and we were desperate for her to stay on as she was a straight A student before she fell in with her new F–wit Punk mates.One day, I came home from my full time teaching job to finda note on her pillow, “Have left home, sorry, Love, Debbie.” Six months later this lady rang me up and said,”I think I have your daughter here.” Apparently D had turned up one evening, in the pouring rain, with a garbage bag of clothes, and told the lady she was”Destitute and Homeless.” She had her own flat!! We managed to persuade her to come home, but she was resentful, used to look at me all the time with hate filled eyes,she was always in black, black dyed hair, black eye liner, smoked, drank,swore at me like a troupersexually active,, was totally out of control. To make matters worse, my ex had started drinking again.,{he is an alcoholic} after nearly 10 years of sobriety, brought on by the worry of his beloved daughter throwing her life away. So, I had 2 drunks to deal with from then on, and was beaten up by both of them before I fled in terror from that awful house.My younger girl emotionally left home then too, at age 17,and was never home, always with friends, but she seldom got drunk and her friends were more upmarket than Ds. She also now despises me, and I havent seen her in 17 years, despite me pleading to be allowed to see her 3 kids.Now D ,46, almost, with no paper qualifications of any kind,in and out of jobs, has now apparently embezzled A$62,000 from a former company and they have “forgiven ‘ her A$50,000 of this. The remaining $12,000 they have yet to be paid back. What is to become of her? I have baled her out financially over and over, to the tune of thousands of dollars,_no more! I was only a source of supply to her. Im sure she still loathes a nd despises me, but used to say,”I love you” to try to con more cash out of me.
I used to feel sorry for her, no longer, she has done all this to herself. God knows where she will end up when she has run out of suckersto con.What a waste, se was so bright, good at Art,A’s in every subject,but since Puberty Im sure she turned overnight into a Spath.Sh is grandiose, haughty, entitled, selfish, uses everyone,lies constantly, no remorse, no guilt, no empathy, no conscience, despises people who love her.
Ive had to give up and go totally NC, it will be one year in June, since I rang her, and I last saw her 8th Dec.,2008.She and her sister used to put me down every chance they got, less after I married David, as they knew they couldnt get away with it any more, but they treated him with disdain, and again, the more he was kind to them and loving, the more they seemed to despise him. Whats the answer? They are SICKOS!! Love, GemXX
Raven,
Your comment about wanting to heal the damage touched me. I think that these people come as innocent souls into the world and find themselves betrayed by their genetics.
I can understand how enraged that could make you over a lifetime. How it could create a vampire who must only feed on other people but may never break out of the boredom and isolation.
Yes, I am sorry for it. I may forgive it even, but I may not nor can you ignore it.
I think that mine was a professional womanizer. I saw in his emails how he was using about 20 online sites and how he did the same things over and over. The same words, the same approach.
I saw how he did it to another woman he was married to as well. He might still be married to her.
It seems who he said those things to did not matter. And that included me.
Nuthin’ from nuthin is nuthin and there was really nuthin there to feel for.
Unless you pity the vampire at the moment he sinks his teeth into the soft flesh of your neck and begins to feed. ….
gem, … just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you!!!
we don’t have to believe we’re the crazy ones anymore!
here are some hearts and flowers for you…
♥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥â™¥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥â™¥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥
♥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥â™¥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥
♥•*¨*•.¸¸¸.•*¨*•â™¥
Thanks so much Shabby! how did you DO that? with the hearts and flowers? Very clever!
I know all of the stuff I described happened a very long time ago, but Ive never ever trusted her since then, and I never will.I gues I DO still feel some love for her as a Mum, but as a person, I cant stand her!!I often wonder, what will become of her, when she runs out of suckers?
Our loving new “kids’ are coming over for lunch tomorrow, so that will be fantastic!
From noe on I intend to give my love to people who appreciate me, and love me back !! Much Love,and look after yourself!!{{HUGS}}}< Mama Gem.XXXXXX
silvermoon –
The best I can manage is a two-fold process… 1. Telling myself the man I was in love with DID exist – for me – and that it was REAL love – for me – and that the man is dead. Grieve him like a dead man and move on. 2. Harder – Acknowledging that it was not my fault, but that I do need to look inside myself to understand what business in my life is unfinished that leaves me so vulnerable.
I have always been attracted to “intensity” which I now understand does not equate to “intimacy.” The more I read, the more I learn about him – but more importantly, about myself. I have always mistaken the “intensity” for strength and character – but it is seldom that at all. It’s power and control and is familiar because of my upbringing, but not healthy for me.
I have always said I need a man stronger than me – but I need to rethink that, because I do not wish to be controlled. I have been a divorced single mom for nearly 10 years… the more that time passes, the more I doubt it will happen, but one day I hope to find a partner – and a true capacity for empathy is high on my list of desired traits.
At the same time, the loneliness is exactly what he knew he could exploit – and because of my history with him, he is probably the only man who could get away with “earning” my trust so quickly. It was misplaced.
The only solace I have in this is that I did send that damned letter, I said my peace… now I need to find a way to heal.
BTW – he added a song to his Pandora account about a week ago – look at the lyrics – sung like a true P/S/N:
“Dream About Me”
Babe
Oh, dream about me
Lie… on the phone to me
Tell me no truth
If it is bad
There’s enough in my life
To make me so sad
Just dream about
Color fills our lives
Just dream about
Someone else tonight
Babe
Oh, dream about me
On the phone
Talking quietly
I wanna be yours
Oh, won’t you be mine
Against red skies
For all time
So dream about… us
When we’re old
Just dream about
How I will let go
I shudder thinking “how is it possible for someone to be so sick? so heartless?”
As a logical woman, I will never find the answer to this – so why can’t I just move on and quick THINKING ABOUT IT!?
Thanks for listening!
Ravenlesstower
This article is so accurate. Mine was never angry or abusive and always softly spoken, ‘vulnerable’, ‘misunderstood’, ‘sensitive’ etc etc. He was a true chameleon and of course I didn’t see the monster underneath until all the lies had been revealed. The non- violent ones are the most dangerous I think.
Swallow
I think this article clarifies the thing to me.
I think its the mistake of not seeing the acting for what it was through the blindness of the seduction and the set up and all that.
Jeez, Idon’t know what I would have to have been to be ahead of all that?
I can see from looking into his world that he is what he and I would not have found out so soon if not for the unplanned event of his arrest.
So I got lucky.
He was a professional womanizer and he was using me. I get that.
He helped me to overcome the part of me that wanted someone like him in my life.
That was a gracious gift. I am thankful for it.
Now I can just let go.
Well easier said than done, but let go is what it about.
Release.
Relax
Let go
Its over for this go round. Its over.
It takes time to let go. And you just have to keep on refocusing on it.
I think its because time as it passes lets you remember the good stuff better than the bad.
The bad stuff I experienced with this guy was better than any other relationship- we got a long really well, seemed to be able to handle anything that came up for discussion and then poof he was gone and I found out the rest of the story….
That makes it hard because I miss the good stuff, I fell mule kicked by the bad stuff and the invitation to jump back in is persistent still.
I do a lot of meditative things now to quiet that concious place in my brain that wants to yammer about it all the time.
I put those thoughts in a bubble when they come and let them float away.
Its about letting go.