Sociopaths who posture as insightful and self-aware are some of the most dangerous predators around.
When I use the terms pseudo insightful and pseudo sensitive, I’m referring to the sociopath’s manipulative efforts to seem some combination of vulnerable, self-aware, sensitive and compassionate.
For some sociopaths this deception is conscious, while for others it is so seamlessly woven into their modus operandi as to feel (for them), at least in the moment, almost authentic.
Even the normal individual, low in sociopathic traits, may struggle to distinguish his deception from authenticity when finding himself “performing” in a mode in which he feels masterfully confident and comfortable—for instance, pitching a sale; or making a presentation, or speech.
But what factors make the sociopath’s “insight” and “sensitivity” pseudo versus authentic?
There is, first of all, the manipulative function of the sociopath’s pseudo sensitivity. Authentically insightful individuals use their insight and self-awareness not merely to better protect themselves and their interests, but also to better understand themselves and others.
Sociopaths, however, always wanting something from others, oriented as they are to wanting to take something from others, use their “pseudo” insight and self-awareness for exploitive purposes.
For instance, the sociopath’s interest isn’t to get to know and understand you better for purposes of increasing his depth of connection with you; rather, his interest to establish unobstructed access to you is about positioning himself to take something from you that he wants—whether you’re ready to offer it or not, and whether it’s in your best interest to offer it or not.
In other words, the sociopath is never interested in you; he is always, and only, interested in what he can take from you.
This applies also to the sociopath’s invitation to appreciate his pseudo display of vulnerability. This may take the form of his “startling sensitivity” and self-awareness. If he reads you correctly—as someone, say, who values vulnerability and substance—then he may regale you with “apparent” evidence of his capacity to be wounded; to manifest sensitive emotions; to position himself as someone who’s “in touch” with his feelings.
As always, how much he believes his performance in the moment (versus consciously recognizing it as bogus or manipulative) varies from sociopath to sociopath and from circumstance to circumstance.
Paradoxically, a more “self-aware” sociopath will recognize his fraudulence better than a less self-aware sociopath, who may be more prone to denial, self-delusion, and the belief that, at least temporarily, he really is the role he’s playing.
Regardless, sociopaths play the “self-aware,” “vulnerable” card (consciously or not) ultimately for grooming purposes—specifically, for purposes of softening your defenses and encouraging, coaxing out, your vulnerability.
This is because the less guarded, the more disarmed you are—in a word, the more vulnerable you are—the greater (the sociopath calculates) are his chances of taking from you what he wants.
Now let me apply some of these ideas to a hypothetical, real-life scenario: Let us say you are on a blind date with a very charismatic, charming sociopath. There is seemingly very intense chemistry. He watches you in a very flattering, lusting way, feasting his eyes on you all night. He tells you how attractive he finds you, that he’s mesmerized by you.
Now he isn’t necessarily lying. He could be lying, we know that, in which case his manipulation is that much more blatantly and manifestly sociopathic. But it’s also possible that he isn’t lying—that is, that he feels, in the moment, that what he’s telling you he feels is true; or, that he’s convinced himself that everything he’s telling you is true.
And so his sociopathy can’t necessarily be traced to his lying, because in this instance he may not perceive himself as lying, and, in a certain sense, he may not be lying. His sociopathy, rather, can more accurately be identified in his underlying, preexisting agenda which, in our hypothetical scenario, come hell or high water, is to “nail” you.
He made this his mission the moment he laid eyes on you and found you sexually attractive enough to make this his intention. He feels quite thrilled—perhaps even a little giddy and delighted—that you’ve proven attractive enough (in a sense, cooperative enough) to elicit his lust, which now enables him to pursue his agenda with you.
I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only agenda our hypothetical sociopath could be pursuing with you. It’s possible that he (or another sociopath) might play things differently, by approaching his interests with more or less patience; more or less calculated, disguised subterfuge.
And it’s possible that our sociopath, or a different sociopath, on this same first, blind date, might have an entirely different set of intentions, warranting a very different approach to meeting them. For instance, he or she may be a golddigging sociopath—a financial predator—less than a sexual exploiter.
However, this is what my hypothetical sociopath wants in this particular situation; accordingly, he’s going to pull out all the stops to land you in the “sack” or, one way or another, land himself in your pants.
Because all that matters—and in essence, what it always and only boils down to—is what he wants.
And so our sociopath, on meeting you and establishing his sexual interest, feels glad, elated, even excited that you bring something he wants. He may feel, beyond that, primitive gratitude that you haven’t disappointed him in this respect. Nothing, after all, could be more depresssing, more boring and less tolerable than, on his having met you, his discovering that, alas, you have nothing to give him that he wants.
Incidentally, this experience—his experience—of your uselessness elicits any number of possible reactions, including irritation, resentment, utter contempt, annoyance, and excruciating disappointment and boredom.
It is bad enough (for you) that you are only, and will never be more than, an object to the sociopath. However, for the sociopath, the fact that you are always only an object to him isn’t necessarily a problem; it is when your usefuleness as an object has run its course that the sociopath is most displeased and agitated, and when he is most likely to unmask himself as the cold, heartless person he is.
However, in our hypothetical scenario, as we’ve established, you do indeed have something he wants: he finds you gorgeous. And so in his relief, in his gladness, in his heady gratitude that you have something he wants—something that he can now can set about taking—a psychological transmutation occurs.
The sociopath’s gratitude, on discovering that you have something he wants, becomes primitively transmuted into a form of idealization—of you!
And in his primitive, corrupt idealization, the sociopath is prone to convincing himself, and you, of the sincerity of his ebulliant flattery and appreciation. So much so that when, as previously noted, he tells you he’s mesmerized by you, he may mean it, or think he means it, and he may seem and, indeed, be sincere when he says this.
But what mesmerizes him is you-the-object, not you-the-person. He is mesmerized not by the substantive you, but by his fantasy of what he imagines you will give him, or what he’ll soon coax from you or, if necessary, take from you.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
Jung specifically centered his definitions on the accounts of his subjects, not on what was observable. He said centering his definitions on observable behavior could have been used to deny subjects their accounts of their own experiences, and he specifically didn’t want to do that.
Most people reverse this, attributing introversion or extroversion according to observable behavior. This seems the less generous option.
Yes, brave.
Yes, well, getting a subjective account is better of course. But if you have someone who can’t communicate well, can’t convey their inner thoughts and experiences, then sometimes observable behaviour is all we have.
My daughter said she is writing a novel…science fiction. That corresponds with one of her interests. Fiction.
She appears to have a rich inner world, of which I know nothing about and never have. And she appears to be content, says she is happy with her life. An observer would say her life doesn’t fit on Maslow’s scale, that she couldn’t *really* be happy.
Maslow’s scale doesn’t appear to apply to all of us.
yes, you be understanding now, notmyMike. i be labeled MR(mental retarded) until aged 12 (and probable i was then for some time at least) until which they rediagnosed mineself autistic. i had no spoken words until aged 9.
i be had no ‘self’ although i be had long range awareness. i was as i became there be no ‘self’ to define mineself. like the wind i be had no real beginning or end, i be immaterial although there was a strange physical body keeping mineself somewhat prisoner. i be watched others all about like a ghost. i became slowly aware of ‘one other’. this ‘one’ was becoming and forming within the trappings of a physical existence. There be at that time no knowing who i be…i was as i became…
yes, i be remember ‘Silence in the library’ … myMIke loves dr.who…many autists are bad artists in language and communication skills. but myMike helps those with both autism and bad communication artists.
be so much often, they be all speaking one language but naught any understanding each other, they might as well be struck so by Babel… speaking many and having no understanding which would make sense…
strange issue they be having on days speaking one language and having no understanding, and no sense of the menagerie of their communications…
you need nearly a facilitator, like some of us use, Mike tried but stated he failed to make the link: http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/psyberinn/Symbiosis.html
Thank you LTL, than i have, as i be requested, more understanding of your world and your experiences.
CaMom we be got your email. i be waving hello. do you see me? myMike going to respond busy he be painting stuff and working on child people projects. one child wrote ten pages much like otherMike here of content incoherent to the masses.
Des
Des-
When my second child, a daughter, was born my neighbor had just given birth to her second child, her first daughter. We shared all the joys and blessings of our healthy children. As time went on and months passed by, my neighbors daughter was not reaching the “milestones” earmarked for developing…such as sitting up, rolling over and eventually walking, talking…she was not progressing. Eventually she also had seizures and other sensory issues. My neighbor was in denial for a long time, until one night I stopped by her house and she had lost it, screaming at me that I will never know what its like that she has a child who will never be her daughter, who isnt normal – who doesnt connect with others or she yells out and makes noises or rocks back and forth. I stood there and said – you do HAVE a daughter – she is right there – looking at you and smiling at you. She has a spirit and soul like no other (truly captured me as the years went on with her sweet personality, fascination with ribbons, or colors or the most unusual things that I never took the time to notice in life until I GOT TO KNOW HER. I even became one of her support teachers, at her Moms request, I became trained to teach her by repeating words and using cards, and repeating social scenarios with her and helping her to integrate into school system… she has a team of people on her I.E.P. and helping the family. When they moved due to her husbands job transfer – I couldnt imagine my days without this little girl who my daughters learned to treat the same as their other friends…meaning although she was far behind in social skills, etc., they made her feel welcome and took the time to connect on any level they could. She doesnt like to be hugged (in fact she is very uncomfortable being touched or hearing certain noises)…but she continues to blossom and be a shining force in their household. She adds something to life that cant be explained – its beautiful – she is beautiful — so different –but with support and guidance (Which the family struggles to receive every year) – it has helped make her who she is today.
These children need support and programs to awaken all the possibilities that are there within them. Your Mike Rocks with all that he is doing to bring awareness.
I think we all are as we become. Some just need more support guidance than others to achieve their full potential.
I originally felt that I understood Mike’s original question and started a reply which I never sent because the conversation took off on another tangent and it seemed that everyone else understood mike’s post differently than I did- So now I am very confused and disturbed by the conversation and the feeling that what I missed or misunderstood may either be what made me such an easy victim to the P and keeps me from believing and holding fully that the P actually knowingly did what he did to me, or on the other hand that maybe I understood Mike’s question (and for some reason the question got distorted in other’s misunderstanding and the reactions to it) and that the tangent this conversation took bears out my fears- Either way I am feeling confused and distressed and without the words to express it.
So, I understood Mikes original question to be about how a P-who does not see himself as lying is actually a P and not just misguided, and/or how you tell the difference between a P who has psuedo-insightfulness and psuedo-sensitivity, and may even sometimes believe themselves vs. someone who is in fact insightful and sensitive and honest and not a P, but who may not have good social skills or good ability at either making themselves understood, or at understanding the social cues, or screws up but without malice or destructive intent (from lack of skill or understanding) ,and so could easily be misjudged as a P.
I feel like I often screw up and am misunderstood and misjudged (on the surface) because of my atypical communication style, inability to read some social cues or social rules, my emotional intensity/sensitivity, my shyness, my anxiety, my trying “too” hard to do the right thing, my distress, my fear, my confusion, anger or discomfort and and mistrust resulting from what has happened to me? I often fear that my presentation (in the short run ) and my communication style and my feeling in some ways alien and unable to make myself understood or my anxiety can make me appear (on the surface) like I was the P and not the victim.
That fear of being misjudged and misunderstood (and of judging wrong who is safe and who isn’t) often silences me and makes it hard for me to explain what happened to me- though I truly believe that I am insightful sensitive, empathic, trustworthy, compassionate and highly ethical (and complex), and I do believe that comes through eventually in the pattern of my behavior over time, and how I handle misunderstandings and times when someone feels that I have hurt them-I know that the thought that I have hurt someone causes me such distress (perhaps more distress than when I am hurt) and that I will keep coming back to try to repair it- This is of course also part of what the P used to manipulate and harm me….On the other hand, the P never seemed to really care if he caused me pain or distress, or cared what I or anyone else needed except if it served his purpose to get what he wanted- his “insightfulness” and “sensitivity” was more of a tool in his repetoire to help he get what he wanted and control others…..
So, the only answer I have come up with is to look at behavior over time, and how someone deals with their own actions when they cause distress to someone else…. does someone use their “sensitivity” and “insightfulness” and “empathy” in a way that is focused on the care and well-being for others as much as themselves? Or, does it only show up to be used skillfully when it serves their purpose to attain something for themselves–Perhaps at times the pseudo-insightful P truly believes he is insightful and sensitive because he does understand on a practical/functional level what people feel and how it makes them tick- and how to manipulate it (for his predatory purposes), but he cannot comprehend the aspect of sensitivity and insightfulness that brings compassion. empathy and identification with another’s pain, or dreams, or fears, that normal people feel – an empathy or sensitivity that compels them to want to act to protect, help, avoid harming, or empower others for that others person’s well-being- perhaps the P really is “sensitive” and “insightful” but it does not elicit the same human response as it does in normal people- instead for the P it translate into simply information with which to control and achieve their con….but how is the P to know the difference if they are missing that component of humanness- so perhaps to the P they believe what they feel in response to their “sensitivity” is what they believe others feel.
I hope what i wrote make sense- and Mike, I don’t really know if this was what you were asking, or if this is my issue projected onto your question…I would like to know…
Mike ….since I didn’t read the deleted posts I am missing the information on what happened in that part of the conversation that clearly was upsetting. But I really do also struggle with the issue of what you (mike) called in your post “allowing for the sincerity of the sociopath” in Steve’s article… All I can come up with is that just as those of us who are not sociopaths struggle to comprehend the internal life and “feelings”- core being/lack of a basic human connectedness of the sociopath, Perhaps the sociopath truly cannot understand/comprehend on a visceral feeling level the internal experience of the non-pathological…I know the sociopath(s) in my life hear my distress but perhaps they do not have an internal reference for the depth of feeling I have and the devastation, despair, and almost unendurable pain that feel as a result of what he did to me. I think he thinks it is an act to manipulate as it would be for him and so it makes him angry and his reaction is to do the opposite of what a normal person would do- his reaction, since he feels my expression of pain is a manipulation of him and as such a challenge-an attempt “to win the game”, his response is to continue to attack to gain the upper hand- to win. he does not understand that for others life, relationship, connection is not a game/battle to be won.
Philomela, I feel like I’m going through specifically what you described in your second post, except you say “I think he thinks it is an act to manipulate” and don’t go so far as to say you are implicitly threatened with counter-accusations of being a sociopath.
This very site has a recent post recommending flushing out the sociopath by asking “What did you mean by such-and-such baffling statement.” There’s no defense against someone creating a panic over something like my posts here. That recent post gave me the slack to say I never refused access to my intents and agendas. Until this article by Steve. And now you’re letting me know you see this too — thank you!
Also different, my trying to call things what they seem is what gets dismissed as “trying to win the game.” If calling things as they seem means describing something no one wants to hear, I ask to be given something else to think, and saying I’m “trying to win the game” does not give me a reason to think anything other than what I say I’m thinking. If I’m seeing only the one thing, and say so, what’s stopping them from giving me their own account if I’m simply wrong? Again that “What did you mean by such-and-such baffling statement?” post gave me the slack to say I never refused access to my intents and agendas. Until the article at the top of this page.
I’m ashamed to say I don’t think I can repay the value of the respect you’ve shown me today. I am so sorry.
Philomena,
I had to struggle some with parts of Steve’s post and read it several times. I had trouble with the idea that a P could actually believe, in the moment, that what he was saying was true–if my P ex-husband believed he, for example, did love me when he said it. He may have…in the moment. But he did not love me over the long haul at all. In fact may have only “felt” love or something he interpreted as love, at some random times in the beginning of our relationship. If that.
My P dad used to hold a loaded gun to his head and threaten to kill himself in front of me and my job was to talk him out of it. I believe at that time he was truly in despair. I also believe he had no real intention of killing himself. But the stakes were too high to walk away and say, do what you want, dad.
Some years later I brought that time up to him ( a period of several weeks following the death of my mother)and he denied it ever happened. I told him it was traumatic and difficult for me. He insisted it had never happened.
A couple of years later I mentioned it again. This time he said, “well, OK, so maybe I did. Big deal. It doesn’t matter because I don’t buy your reaction to it.”
(I wish now I had said, “well, dad, it’s not for sale.”)
I never mentioned it again.
My aunt once told me, several years after his suicide threats, “I don’t think your father has ever had a genuine emotion in his life.” I never told her about the suicide threats–this was a casual observation/remark on her part after knowing him for decades.
My P sister also threatened suicide in front of me several times in the US and in England. I was staying with her in England after chasing her all over Europe and the UK frightened I wouldn’t get to her in time.
We were staying in a room 6 stories up. She would open the window and balance on the ledge–one leg out of the window, hanging on to the top of the window. Her boyfriend and I pleaded with her to not do it, to come back in, etc.
After about the 4th or 5th time I realized she was not going to do it. Her boyfriend continued to plead, she continued to act out–putting both legs out now and barely hanging on. I had the advantage of having known her all her life, and to what extemes she would go for attention and drama.
I finally left her there, with her boyfriend, confident she was just being her usual self with a new twist—threatening to jump to her death with a witness or two to beg and plead and turn ourselves inside out trying to make her happy.
I went to Spain. We had agreed to fly back to the States together on a certain date. I returned from Spain in plenty of time and called her. Her boyfriend said she flew home 2 days after I left. I wasn’t surprised, she does this sort of thing and much, much worse quite frequently. I was irritated–I could have stayed in Spain for several weeks or longer, but wanted to fly back with her and have a chance to find out (maybe) what was going on with her.
I had flown to England to attend her wedding. We talked daily on the phone. We discussed what she would wear, what I should bring, flowers, cake, everything. She sounded genuinely excited about her upcoming marriage.
I got to the UK. She promised to meet me at the airport, didn’t, so I made my way north knowing only the city she lived in, a phone number, and where she was working–I found her at work.
She never said why she hadn’t come down to London. And she told me she had married her husband and left him 2 months before. All those phone calls, all the planning, the flowers, the dress–lies. Why I don’t know.
She had married, gotten a work permit 2 days later, and left her husband the day after she had the work permit for another guy (marriage lasted about 3-4 days)–the one who ended up pleading with her not to kill herself in a remote corner of Cornwall.
Her husband (who I’d met before in the US) was devastated. He married her in good faith–she married for a work permit and a bit of a lark…she never spoke to him again. I think the word “discard” applies.
Maybe at one time she felt for a moment or two that she “loved” him, then decided what she really wanted was to stay in the UK and work for awhile. She needed a work permit for that, so insisted he marry her or she would leave.
He married her, and yes, she did leave. For another guy. The 2 of them left the city where I was, where she’d married, and where her husband was completing his degree at the university and studying like mad for his finals. In Psychology.
Her husband believed she’d been sincere in wanting to marry him. Sincere in their plans for a life together…convinced she loved him…I *know* she was sincere in wanting to marry him–for the work permit. Not love. Not a relationship. Not for the 2 children *they* wanted to have.
He finished his degree and works in the field of forensic psychology in the UK. He didn’t remarry for over 20 years—he lived with a woman, had a family, but was reluctant to marry.
My sister returned to the US, obtained an annulment on the grounds of fraud (claimed her husband had lied to her and told her he’d move to the States—which was a lie) Six months later she was free. A year later she remarried. At that time in the UK you had to wait 2 years before filing for divorce. I suppose in the UK she would have been considered a bigamist.
So, no, I don’t think a P can have any idea of what a non-P goes through and experiences. They can observe and mimic. In my experience that’s as good as it gets–the times when they tell you they love you and may even feel it, sort of.
My sister has no idea and no interest in the number and depth of destruction of the many persons unfortunate enough to cross her path and get her undivided attention and temporary adoration.
As with my (and her) dad, I don’t think she has ever had a genuine emotion in her life.
Philomela the literature seems to point to what you are saying – certainly any display of emotion from us including the intense hurt caused by the constant betrayals causes them to treat us with utter contempt and up the ante on the abuse. I don’t know the reason for the contempt – veiled jealousy perhaps that they are empty and cannot feel that depth of emotion?
Or perhaps as you put forth, they judge us and our behaviour with themselves and their barren inner landscape as the reference point and see our sincere emotional outpourings as manipulations with no substance behind them.
I personally think it might be a bit of both. When they see our emotion, they are unable to ‘read’ it accurately and don’t respond as a normal person should. I think on some level they are aware they are not the same as other people in their internal makeup so when they see this emotion in us it triggers them to think about their lack. And then they rationalise that we are just manipulating them and have no real feelings to be hurt (again using themselves as a reference point) – then comes the rage for both reasons – their lack of emotion and rage that we can appear so weak and needy in front of them. Contempt is the word definitely.
Here are some quotes from Stalking the Soul :
“Because they (emotional abusers) feel impotent, abusers fear the power they imagine others to have. They ascribe to them, in an almost delirious and crazy sense, a malice that is only a projection of their own malevolence.” (p.134)
“The ideal outcome for the abuser is to succeed in making the other ‘evil’, which transforms the evil into something more normal because now it is shared. He wants to inject the other with what is bad in him. To corrupt is the ultimate goal. His greatest satisfaction lies in driving his target to destructive acts or, in a larger framework, leading several individuals to finish each other off.” (p.121)
“Abusive human beings unquestionably experience extreme and fundamental delight in the doubts and suffering of others; they also take pleasure in subjugating and humiliating them.” (p.126)
The author is speaking specifically about the abuse perpetrated by narcissists, but psychopaths share almost all the same traits and conduct the same abusive campaigns against their partners in secret – both disorders are on the cluster B spectrum. So they enjoy making us suffer and the more we open up about our pain (thinking then they will really see how hurt we are, they will be guilty and sorry and will change their approach) the more they go for our throats.
We definitely can’t comprehend their lack of inner landscape – it’s so alien to us who care for others and have empathy. It’s just sick to live that way – needing to win in every interaction no matter what the cost to the other person. No wonder we all lost so much – we assumed the psychopath had the same moral and ethical structure we did.
Because they (emotional abusers) feel impotent, abusers fear the power they imagine others to have. They ascribe to them, in an almost delirious and crazy sense, a malice that is only a projection of their own malevolence.” (p.134)
well, that’s a biggie.
one of the spath’s big charade’s is to, after killing off and resurrecting the main character, is to project that SHE IS HIDING AND KEEPING HIM SAFE FROM THE PREDATORY PEOPLE (who are the people who loved him). She does this consistently and will keep up this charade for years. Tried pulling this with me, via one of the sock puppets – i never gave her a damn thing – not one fucking word of ‘supply’.
she can go f*ck herself.