Sociopaths who posture as insightful and self-aware are some of the most dangerous predators around.
When I use the terms pseudo insightful and pseudo sensitive, I’m referring to the sociopath’s manipulative efforts to seem some combination of vulnerable, self-aware, sensitive and compassionate.
For some sociopaths this deception is conscious, while for others it is so seamlessly woven into their modus operandi as to feel (for them), at least in the moment, almost authentic.
Even the normal individual, low in sociopathic traits, may struggle to distinguish his deception from authenticity when finding himself “performing” in a mode in which he feels masterfully confident and comfortable—for instance, pitching a sale; or making a presentation, or speech.
But what factors make the sociopath’s “insight” and “sensitivity” pseudo versus authentic?
There is, first of all, the manipulative function of the sociopath’s pseudo sensitivity. Authentically insightful individuals use their insight and self-awareness not merely to better protect themselves and their interests, but also to better understand themselves and others.
Sociopaths, however, always wanting something from others, oriented as they are to wanting to take something from others, use their “pseudo” insight and self-awareness for exploitive purposes.
For instance, the sociopath’s interest isn’t to get to know and understand you better for purposes of increasing his depth of connection with you; rather, his interest to establish unobstructed access to you is about positioning himself to take something from you that he wants—whether you’re ready to offer it or not, and whether it’s in your best interest to offer it or not.
In other words, the sociopath is never interested in you; he is always, and only, interested in what he can take from you.
This applies also to the sociopath’s invitation to appreciate his pseudo display of vulnerability. This may take the form of his “startling sensitivity” and self-awareness. If he reads you correctly—as someone, say, who values vulnerability and substance—then he may regale you with “apparent” evidence of his capacity to be wounded; to manifest sensitive emotions; to position himself as someone who’s “in touch” with his feelings.
As always, how much he believes his performance in the moment (versus consciously recognizing it as bogus or manipulative) varies from sociopath to sociopath and from circumstance to circumstance.
Paradoxically, a more “self-aware” sociopath will recognize his fraudulence better than a less self-aware sociopath, who may be more prone to denial, self-delusion, and the belief that, at least temporarily, he really is the role he’s playing.
Regardless, sociopaths play the “self-aware,” “vulnerable” card (consciously or not) ultimately for grooming purposes—specifically, for purposes of softening your defenses and encouraging, coaxing out, your vulnerability.
This is because the less guarded, the more disarmed you are—in a word, the more vulnerable you are—the greater (the sociopath calculates) are his chances of taking from you what he wants.
Now let me apply some of these ideas to a hypothetical, real-life scenario: Let us say you are on a blind date with a very charismatic, charming sociopath. There is seemingly very intense chemistry. He watches you in a very flattering, lusting way, feasting his eyes on you all night. He tells you how attractive he finds you, that he’s mesmerized by you.
Now he isn’t necessarily lying. He could be lying, we know that, in which case his manipulation is that much more blatantly and manifestly sociopathic. But it’s also possible that he isn’t lying—that is, that he feels, in the moment, that what he’s telling you he feels is true; or, that he’s convinced himself that everything he’s telling you is true.
And so his sociopathy can’t necessarily be traced to his lying, because in this instance he may not perceive himself as lying, and, in a certain sense, he may not be lying. His sociopathy, rather, can more accurately be identified in his underlying, preexisting agenda which, in our hypothetical scenario, come hell or high water, is to “nail” you.
He made this his mission the moment he laid eyes on you and found you sexually attractive enough to make this his intention. He feels quite thrilled—perhaps even a little giddy and delighted—that you’ve proven attractive enough (in a sense, cooperative enough) to elicit his lust, which now enables him to pursue his agenda with you.
I don’t mean to suggest that this is the only agenda our hypothetical sociopath could be pursuing with you. It’s possible that he (or another sociopath) might play things differently, by approaching his interests with more or less patience; more or less calculated, disguised subterfuge.
And it’s possible that our sociopath, or a different sociopath, on this same first, blind date, might have an entirely different set of intentions, warranting a very different approach to meeting them. For instance, he or she may be a golddigging sociopath—a financial predator—less than a sexual exploiter.
However, this is what my hypothetical sociopath wants in this particular situation; accordingly, he’s going to pull out all the stops to land you in the “sack” or, one way or another, land himself in your pants.
Because all that matters—and in essence, what it always and only boils down to—is what he wants.
And so our sociopath, on meeting you and establishing his sexual interest, feels glad, elated, even excited that you bring something he wants. He may feel, beyond that, primitive gratitude that you haven’t disappointed him in this respect. Nothing, after all, could be more depresssing, more boring and less tolerable than, on his having met you, his discovering that, alas, you have nothing to give him that he wants.
Incidentally, this experience—his experience—of your uselessness elicits any number of possible reactions, including irritation, resentment, utter contempt, annoyance, and excruciating disappointment and boredom.
It is bad enough (for you) that you are only, and will never be more than, an object to the sociopath. However, for the sociopath, the fact that you are always only an object to him isn’t necessarily a problem; it is when your usefuleness as an object has run its course that the sociopath is most displeased and agitated, and when he is most likely to unmask himself as the cold, heartless person he is.
However, in our hypothetical scenario, as we’ve established, you do indeed have something he wants: he finds you gorgeous. And so in his relief, in his gladness, in his heady gratitude that you have something he wants—something that he can now can set about taking—a psychological transmutation occurs.
The sociopath’s gratitude, on discovering that you have something he wants, becomes primitively transmuted into a form of idealization—of you!
And in his primitive, corrupt idealization, the sociopath is prone to convincing himself, and you, of the sincerity of his ebulliant flattery and appreciation. So much so that when, as previously noted, he tells you he’s mesmerized by you, he may mean it, or think he means it, and he may seem and, indeed, be sincere when he says this.
But what mesmerizes him is you-the-object, not you-the-person. He is mesmerized not by the substantive you, but by his fantasy of what he imagines you will give him, or what he’ll soon coax from you or, if necessary, take from you.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2010 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake, not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors discussed.)
Witsend,
Thank you for your response–very helpful and makes a lot of sense to me intellectually–still have trouble with the emotional parts of it though. I still struggle with the hows and whys of my ex some, but more with my father and my sister.
That an S/P/N *is* the lie…and their unwavering belief in themseves…how they become one and the same with the lie…
I don’t know why my sister lied about her wedding, for example. Why she wanted me to fly to the UK and be there for her wedding–a wedding that had already happened. None of that or any of her other behaviors and lies make sense to me. I really *can’t* wrap my brain around that…it is too far out of my ability to comprehend. I have tried for decades to understand her.
That she is self-serving…yes, I can *kind* of grasp that, but only in “horse” terms–there’s a saying that “whoever moves their feet first loses.” With horses, you always want to be the one who wins–or you can end up with a horse that will continue to push you around and become increasingly difficult to deal with. So you make them move out of your space–you cause them to act, not vice-versa. Makes sense with a (potentially dangerous) 1,200 pound animal. I’m not dangerous, or in any way a threat, but she always had my feet moving…
That sister is a well-known, relatively famous peronality in her field. I’ve followed her professional career and recognize she has contempt for her many thousands of fans, but she insists she only cares about her fans, it’s one of her most repeated mantras.
So no matter what she does, they believe the lie that nothing is about *her*, it’s all about *them*–they believe her even when she’s shown complete contempt for them. But it’s excused for a variety of reasons and never seen as contempt or any kind of disrepect–she uses self-serving lies to explain her behaviour, or others do it for her. (when she bothers to explain/have someone else explain–her latest stunt was to do something truly upsetting and not explain—so she could watch the worry and alarm of her fans, the same fans that made her wealthy and respected and adored–read their concerns their confusion and distress and do nothing to allay those concerns at all)
So see that side of her as self-serving, but also as risking over and over that they could see through her, or at least question some things she’s done…but her persona is so powerful that if anyone questions her behaviour publicly, they are attacked by the masses of fans who quickly make mince-meat of them…and are immediately silenced. She must get some satisfaction from that.
It looks like a game to me, to see how she manipulates them and to what degree…and how she must enjoy their reactions. I guess that’s the self-serving part. And makes her in some way mysterious–so when she shows up again, she gets huge press and attention. (She’s apparently decided to shift toward a sort of Greta Garbo persona–so whenever she reappears she gets even more attention—and her fans, so upset when she “disappears” give her tons of gratiitude and publicity and elevate her even more)
I think she enjoys doing very dramatic, alarming and upsetting things, and watch the fallout. So maybe she sees a “win” in having me believe and react in whatever way she wants—so I am moving my feet first, worried, reassuring, telling her how much I love her, and she gets some gratification over that…in seeing how far she can push me (and her fans and other people in her life) and still have us willing to defend her and care about her.
I did see her progress from a child who always had to have her way, no matter what, and would go to any length whatsoever to get what she wanted, to a “person” who now does this cleverly and successfully on an international stage.
The things she did growing up were manipulative and seemed evil and unneccessary…it was as if she wanted to destroy me in particular, but always hid it behind a facade of drawing me into her emotional pain, getting my sympathy and empathy very easily. So I was always off balance and not sure what was happening, what was real and what wasn’t. Like some sort of test which I never wanted to fail, feeling that if I did fail, I would have failed her, and she was too fragile to have to experience any disappointment…so became her buffer, her defender.
The acadamy award winning performances—saw those from a very young age. And saw my mother’s confusion also. My dad though…he didn’t respond to her dramatics. Maybe an S/P/N can recognize another one when he/she sees one. She didn’t try her act on him after a few times early in life, and getting nowhere. So turned to my mother and me.
My N sister (older sister) wasn’t moved by her either, until she became famous and now the N sister appears to enjoy the “special” reflected glory of “She’s my sister.” (So therefore she is special, *extra*-special too) I can understand that–the N sister now wanting to be involved in my other sister’s life at every level. And she believes everything my sister tells her.
So I can understand my sister creating a public persona, I know pretty much how she did it, but still have trouble with her personal, private actions. And statements.
The paradox is that while she appeared to need me, at the same time she did things others would have eventually rejected her for, even family…but I never did. So she became more and more well, abusive, and I was so caught up with her I told myself she must have some reason…for stealing from me and lying about it, for promising she’d do things and never did them…
The last time we had any real contact was when I got an email from her saying she was looking for a tree to drive her car into and kill herself. This email was out of context…she’d seemed fine to me, all of her other emails were about how well things were going. This time I was several states and thousands of miles away…and didn’t have a phone number (she began doing that on purpose–not giving me her phone number, yet contacting me by email). I was going out of my mind trying to figure out what to do…emailing her over and over pleading, telling her I was here for her, begging her to call me. She never responded. Since she was NC with my dad, he didn’t have her phone # and had warned me to never tell my other sister about anything she was doing if it was in any way “negative.” (My other sister didn’t have a phone # for her at that time either). I was stuck and panicked.
After a few weeks she emailed me with no mention of the suicidal email…I emailed back and asked her to tell me what was going on, how she was, how I could help. She emailed me and again ignored that other email…she was her same old “happy” self.
And meanwhile, I was all over the Internet looking for something about her being in an accident or something…found nothing –just the latest on her career.
I was finally becoming fed up, feeling used, feeling she was just playing around…I’d thought she wouldn’t go that far, to the point of a detailed email account of her planned suicide and knowing I had no way to find her. I thought she was genuinely in distress. So I began to not respond as supportive as usual. With interest, but no over the top concern. And she must have realized I was changing some, so quit emailing.
Not long after I received a call from my N sister saying the “famous sister” was disappointed in me, brought up some very bizarre lies my sister had told her about me–lies the N sister said she believed and would not discuss.
So…there really is nothing left to my sister. She did email me in the suicidal email that she felt she was “1/100th of a person.” I guess she may have nailed it in a rare moment of introspection, or it was another sympathy ploy.
There is no frame of reference for me, no way to explain it other than that she is very sick. And once she realized I had nothing she truly needed anymore, that was it.
But Witsend, you do make sense. You explain it very well. I just can’t quite grasp it yet.
Wow, CAmom you come from one fam damnily. The suicide attempts, the having you chase around the world, the set-ups and dssapointments, the deliberate ommisions that totaly inconvenience, like planning a wedding that had already happened. Yeah, it is pretty baffling. I’m glad you’re here, and sharing.
“Look at the trouble to say it YOU paid, and multiply your discomfort to gauge mine. “
EB, I’m reading a book I found at Goodwill called, Discovering Arguments. It is probably a college level text book on persausive writng. But it out-lines all kinds of faulty logic, and gives examples, and names them. It’s really very enlightening, but unless you are debating by the rules, there isn’t much point in debating at all.
I’m feeling about as inspired as a gray rock. How’s your garden?
EB I didn’t mean to imply that you weren’t debating by the rules…just thought about how that sounded. I have dust bunnies to sweep out from under my bed.
Mike,
I hope you will read the following as information/observation and not as criticism- I am risking saying it to you with the hopes that you will take it and hear it as an expression of care, and my desire to trust your intent, that it is intended to be.
I am not sure what is going on with you since I don’t know you but you seem very angry and wanting to argue. I don’t know if you are angry at something here or just feeling angry at life in general at the moment- either way, I really think the people on LF want to help and understand and all of us here are wounded and struggling too- and also I think respond with a sense of protectiveness towards each other as well- something I think many of us lost from our communities and families in the experience with the sociopath’s in our lives. So it would help (at least it would help me) if you would try to be sensitive to that and perhaps tread a bit more lightly in your replies. Definitely speak your mind but perhaps a bit more gently with awareness of when your hurt and general anger gets directed at someone who doesn’t deserve it.
I (and probably most of us here) have truly had enough hurt to last many life times and I sure don’t want more. I do hear your tone as challenging and somewhat attacking and I don’t know if you are aware of that or if it is your intent and for now I still prefer to assume that you didn’t intend to hurt me or diminish my feelings in your response to me,
I really appreciate Erin’s “taking care of me” in her response- I probably didn’t need it in this instance, but I still appreciate Erin’s coming to my defense and showing sensitivity to how I might have felt in reading what you wrote – I haven’t felt taken care of in a long time so it was nice to feel that someone is worrying about my feelings.
so,
Erin, thank you for your care…
Philomela
Hi Kim, yeah, in the right hands, my family would make a good SNL skit….
Was thinking about gardens today and realized s**t, I need to get working on those potted plants…sure need a lot of pruning, a bit late in the season, but need to sharpen my pruning shears first…think they can be sharpened on some nice old rocks just sitting out there taking up space.
Spring cleaning–time to weed out the old stuff! (and sweep out the dust bunnies too) And maybe start a new hobby, like, well rock collecting and sorting. I was a geology major in college for about 15 minutes. : )
Philomela, just popinng in to say your post was amazing and speaking volumes and i hope you continue on posting because it was received on many levels i’m sure by many. i hope that you do not end up feeling like you’ve poured out your soul and had the door shut on your face. your post touched me as it did others.
Mike, there’s a difference between rendering yourself vulnerable and being sensitive to others feelings… You can guard your own without being so callous to others.
here is Philomela in Ovid’s Metamorphoses:
“Now that I have no shame, I will proclaim it.
Given the chance, I will go where the people are,
Tell everybody; if you shut me here,
I will move the very woods and rocks to pity.
The air of Heaven will hear, and any god,
If there is any god in Heaven, will hear me.”
going off to read to the dolphin and put her to bed. it’s the Wizard of Oz we’re reading…
otherMike
I just want to clear up who’s who?
Autisticsouls/Mike
Mike/other mike…..
am I wrong….because that’s how I’ve interpreted who’s who…..
So my posts to ‘other mike’ were meant for ‘Mike’.
I thik autisticsouls may have thought I meant to him….as Iwrote ‘other Mike’.
Does any of this make any sense…..or is it just me?
Yes, EB, I think that’s right, but it is a little confusing.