We tend to speak of sociopaths versus non-sociopaths in pretty much either-or terms, despite recognizing that we fall along a spectrum of behaviors and attitudes that range from extremely unself-centered (even to self-sabotaging levels, reflecting poor self-esteem and weak self-protective defenses); to levels we would describe as dangerously exploitive (moving into the range of full-blown sociopathic personality, characterized by a troubling indifference to, and disregard of, others as separate human beings whose dignity deserves to be respected).
At bottom, as I have elsewhere written and stressed, the sociopath is a remorseless, chronic boundary violator; his regard for others’ dignity is minimal and shallow, if not missing. The function of his violating behaviors is to acquire something he wants with little, certainly no deep, regard for the damage he inflicts on others in his taking of it.
The sociopath knows that his behavior is “wrong” according to law and conventional standards of decency and, unless intellectually impaired, he knows “why” it is wrong from the same code of laws and standards.
He may be able to say, for instance, “It was wrong, or I know why it’s considered wrong, to have robbed that individual,” but he will rob him anyway, because he wanted the money and credit cards, and what he “wants” supersedes all codes of respect toward others.
Thus the damage he inflicts on others in taking what he wants is, at most, a secondary, non-ethical based consideration.
Just as importantly, if not more importantly, the sociopath’s understanding (intellectually) of the suffering he’s caused will leave him, unlike the non-sociopathic person, peculiarly (and tellingly) untroubled.
The sociopath, I can’t stress enough, is concerned with his gain, not others’ pain.
Now let me return to the point of this article. There are individuals with whom I work, not infrequently, whom I’d describe as, in some sense, “fall between the crack” personalities. These individuals have sociopathic tendencies. They are almost always chronically abusive one way or another.
Although they may not precisely meet every criterion of the textbook sociopath, still they exhibit, often (and historically) enough, the kinds of sociopathic abuses (and rationalizations of their abuses) that make them sociopathic enough to be avoided as assiduously as the full-blown sociopath.
Interestingly, these individuals can pose worse dangers than pure, unequivocal sociopaths for the very reason that it’s possible to find features of their personality that do not conform exactly to the textbook sociopath’s, leaving one dangerously more optimistic that her partner may be capable of the change and personal growth worth the wait, and suffering.
However, much more often than not, these individuals will lack this capability just as much as the clearcut sociopath lacks it. Yet their partners can find this especially hard to accept—that is, the virtual certainty that their sociopathically-inclined partner is as unlikely to make the kinds of critical reforms as the clearcut sociopath—because, in some respects, these “partial” sociopaths evidence certain capacities of sensitivity that encourage a seductive (but ultimately misguided) basis of hope?
Of whom am I speaking? I am speaking, for instance, of the individual willing to come to therapy. But you are much more likely to see this individual in a couples therapy situation than individual therapy (voluntarily). This is because in couples therapy he can more easily, craftily disavow his responsibility for the abuse he perpetrates than in individual therapy.
When you seek individual therapy, voluntarily, you are basically conceding that you are coming with some of your own issues to address that can’t so easily, entirely be pawned off on your partner. Certainly it’s possible for an individual to present himself in individual therapy, even voluntarily, on a purely manipulative basis, but this individual usually won’t stay in the therapy for more than several sessions and, moreover, he will quickly reveal signs of his flaky, dubious investment in the process.
So it’s quite rare to find a significantly sociopathically-impaired individual seeking individual therapy, sincerely, on his own. But I repeat: it’s quite common to meet these individuals in couples therapy, where they may also enjoy, on some level, the tension of the dynamic in the room—the challenge, in a sense, to compete for the vindication of their image and comparative innocence; to persuade the therapist of their partners’ craziness, or histrionics.
In short, the couples therapy environment can satisfy the sociopath’s tendency to gamesmanship, competition and manipulation. He can verbally flaunt his quickness, glibness, logic, gaslighting tendencies and, if he has them, his impressive analytic and persuasive powers; he can rise to the challenge of convincing the therapist who the really “whacked” party in the relationship is?
But let us not lose the thread of the article. We are speaking here not necessarily of the full-blown sociopath but the “partial” sociopath. And this, again, can complicate and, in some respects, worsen matters!
For the reason that, because he may not be a full-blown sociopath, he may be involved in the therapy with a “sort of—”perhaps a “partly genuine” wish—to salvage the relationship, and not necessarily for entirely selfish, manipulative reasons.
And so this can be especially confusing to his partner, if not the therapist. Who is this man? If he is showing up regularly for couples sessions, seems on some levels to love his partner, is capable of producing, seemingly, some sincere insights and some accountability for his destructive behaviors (at least in the sessions), doesn’t this suggest a candidate for some real, substantive change, if not transformation?
But the answer most often is, NO. To repeat, the individual of whom I speak is almost always, in the final analysis, no more capable of changing than the textbook sociopath, only his more human side creates the teasing prospect that he can, indeed, produce this change, when he won’t, and can’t.
Why? Why can’t he? Why won’t he?
Because he has too much of the sociopath in him. What is too much? This is hard to quantify. At what point along the spectrum is he too far gone to make meaningful, worthwhile, reliable changes, even though he may retain some genuinely humane qualities?
For the answer to this question, tune in to my next article.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2011 by Steve Becker, LCSW. My use of male gender pronouns is for convenience’s sake and not to suggest that females aren’t capable of the behaviors and attitudes discussed.)
lesson learned
I’ve been thinking a lot about this as I see it often here on the board while I ponder what was my participation with my ex.
Was I REEEEALLY in the dark? I suppose I was…but the dark wasn’t about the fact that he was a major asshole and chronically abusive, the dark was my own FANTASIES that he appealed too. It was SO HARD to let that go. SO hard!!
I learned to shut down the abuse. ALL of it, even while understanding clearly that it was there, calling him on it yet staying.
It is the ONE thing in the aftermath that I feel SO ANGRY about, because when I knew i was being treated like shiat, I should have gotten out IMMEDIATELY, but I didn’t. My fantasy carried me through all of that, only for a little more. And he exploited it to the fullest extent.
LL
Louise
LL:
I totally get what you said. Totally.
behind_blue_eyes
I was not abused other than his running hot/cold. I am angry that I had enough Red Flags but continued. Part of the was his explaning things away but equal part was my own neediness.
lesson learned
BBE,
This may or may not be a universal question here, but one I would like to see posted, even in an article.
What got you out? What was it that got you out?
LL
Louise
BBE and LL:
We all wanted it to be what WE wanted it to be. My X spath was what I always wanted. It was almost like I didn’t even know that’s what I wanted or needed until I got it. But of course, it wasn’t real. He does have a wife and children; is that even real?? I guess it’s really, really hard for me to know he has this whole other life and in my mind, I think how wonderful that must all be. In reality, I am sure it is not so great, but why do I keep thinking about HIS life?? I should care less about his life or if he is happy there or anything. I just keep thinking if he is such a monster, how does he carry on this facade of the family and successful career? I know it happens all the time, but it just seems so foreign to me.
Louise
LL:
I got out when I realized that I was only being played. It was the same thing over and over for about six months straight…just playing games with me and I finally had enough. He was only trying to keep me on the line and I couldn’t do that. I loved him more than anything, but he was only toying with me. I couldn’t continue to do that. It was too painful.
brandieewine
ITP is invirothrombocytopenia. I am sure I misspelled it but it just means that he makes platelets but they are destroyed by a virus but they don’t know what it is. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad but my ex-husband my son’s father was abusive and even violent even though I can totally relate to what mommom told her ex which was hit me. In his worst day he has never made me feel like this. It wouldn’t be so bad but the fact that he is lurking around in the neighborhood and nobody can say exactly which house. I know the girl lives across the street in one of the houses but we live in a subdivision with adjoining streets and I have no idea which. I don’t know her or her family personally and if she had not paraded past my house making comments I would never have even known they were “involved” I want to tell her parents because he is diseased and if it was my daughter it would kill me to know she was involved with a predator. The fear is there that something was done to my son. By either his p son or him. How do you ever trust anybody again? I mean I look at people together and in my mind I only imagine that there is some sort of abuse or cheating or something. I don’t believe in happy couples anymore
Ox Drover
Dear Brandieewine,
you say “He” has ITP—who is “He”? Your child or your X? Is it contagious?
How old is this girl in the neighborhood that he is involved with? Does she live with her parents?
The problem with “warning” people or their families about the psychopath is that 99.9999999% of the time they are so sucked into the “love bomb” that they will NOT BELIEVE A WORD YOU SAY. You just come off looking like a woman scorned.
Is your X your son’s father? Are you required to co-parent with this monster?
I’m sorry for asking so many questions, but it is difficult for me to make sense of your story….plus I have CRS (can’t remember shiat!) so it may not be your fault that I can’t make heads or tails of it. LOL
I understand that it is difficult for you to believe that there ARE good relationships…I wonder about that myself sometimes. I know they are not really all that common.
As for trusting anyone again? I think it is ourselves we have to learn to trust again, trust that WE CAN KEEP OURSELVES SAFE. I’m finally learning to trust myself again….but I no longer GIVE AWAY my trust to anyone else, they have to EARN IT! (((hugs))))
Louise
Brandieewine:
I thought I was the only one who did that, but I think the exact same thing. I look around at couples and I will try to figure out what is wrong with each one of them…isn’t that sick? But I don’t believe in love anymore…it’s only a fairytale to me now.
brandieewine
My son has the ITP. Candy asked what it was. It is a bleeding disorder that is similar to hemophilia. He is not contagious or anything. I just have to be careful about him falling because he bruises easily. I am sure it is hard to make heads or tails because I was a wreck while I was typing. Listened to music with my son helped a lot. He (ex-boyfriend) is not my son’s father, but my son’s father(ex-husband) was abusive as well. My ex-husband hit me but ex-boyfriend did things that make a hit seem like a pat on the back. My divorce was final from ex-husband in April and I started dating ex-boyfriend in February. I was stressed out and felt like I needed someone who understood and he played the “single father” role. He convinced me to let him move in with me because we would “split the bills” I don’t know how I ended up being the sole source of support for him or the only one watching his out of control son. It is almost like my life has been on autopilot and he is the pilot. (if that makes any sense)
I am a hermit so I do not know my neighbors personally. I looked at her and could tell she was underage. This is not a young looking teenager. This is a teenager. I don’t even know which house she is coming out of because we live in a subdivision with adjoining streets if that makes any sense. My street is sort of a main outlet with about five adjoining streets so he is camped out in one of seven houses.