In the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that my Custody War with Luc (my sons sociopathic father) has entered a new phase – I’ll call this phase the “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” phase. The initial Custody Trial is over and our Family Law case has been closed. No matter how bad the judge, lawyers, and supervised exchange professional all want us to go away, none of these people are going to be able to cure Luc of his psychopathy so “going away” is not going to happen.
In my post last week, I noted that my lawyer had suggested me and Luc get “Family Therapy” in order to learn how to communicate with each other. I have thought a lot about this suggestion, and its clear and unabashed ridiculousness. Here I thought that my attorney’s had gotten up close and personal, witnessed the crazy, and understood the depth of Luc’s disorder over the past year. After suggesting that I sit in a room across from my own personal terrorist, however, it became clear that I had been in this fight alone and I was really nothing more than – a client.
Unsustainable “Plan”:
At several points during this Custody War, I remember asking my attorneys to try and make the Custody Order as detailed as possible. I knew that with any vague language, Luc would go to town and continue to terrorize me and baby boy at every turn. I ended up being somewhat disappointed with the final order as it left several unanswered questions and had holes big enough for Luc to drive a truck through. What we ended up with appeared to be a bandaid instead of a real plan.
By giving Luc weekly visitation, the court was asking us to “co-parent” (all be it minimally considering I was granted sole legal custody). I was asked to share “critical information” with Luc via third party (i.e. attorneys) and we were never to communicate directly with each other. The court recognized, at least somewhat, that there was a physical threat involved with direct contact and that “co-parenting” in the classic sense was not possible. The court failed to address, however, how on earth we were supposed to “co-parent” given that communication was too dangerous. They didn’t cover this issue in the court mandated Co-Parenting class I was forced to attend (that Luc was able to effectively skip without accountability).
The supervisor for the exchanges has expressed that she will not pass messages between us, as Luc has already attempted to use her as his personal secretary on numerous occasions. His lawyer has dumped him for not paying her and my attorneys are sick of this case and want me to “go to family therapy” vice bother them with important information to pass (such as medical emergency and doctors information).
Pseudo Co-Parenting:
According to wikipedia (which I understand is not always a reliable source), the principle of co-parenting states that a child has always and in any case the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents, even if they are separated or divorced, unless there is a recognized need to separate him/her from one or both parents.
(Note: As I am sure many of you who have been through a Custody War with a psychopath will agree, the threshold for a “recognized need” to separate a child from one or both parents is extremely high.)
I take real issue with this concept of co-parenting. The idea of co-parenting fails to take into account parents who are not capable of sustaining “stable” relationships with anyone – including their own children.
That all being said, I call this phase I am in “pseudo co-parenting” because its not co-parenting in the true sense at all. It feels as if I am going through all the motions (so to follow the court order), but I am waiting for the next shoe to drop because this is not reality.
What the court failed to realize is that it doesn’t always boil down to the child’s right to maintain a relationship with both parents. I think my son has the right to have a father who cares about him, is stable, and who capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with him; however, I understand that this is not possible given WHAT Luc is – a psychopath. I would like for a magical genie to show up at my front door and grant me three wishes too, but will also never happen.
The Waiting Game:
I received some legal advice this week from at attorney who has been practicing for nearly 30 years. She also specializes in cases involving domestic violence. I went to her for some advice on how to manage situations that appear unsustainable and how to deal with this new “phase” of the Custody War. After hearing my story, she said “you need to learn that you cannot ”˜manage’ a person like this. You are dealing with someone who is dysfunctional at his core; therefore, any time you spend trying to make him functional will be a complete waste of your time.”
This advice seemed so simple and obvious. I felt a little ridiculous that I needed a lawyer to point this out to me after an entire year of feeling like I am beating my head against a wall to come up with a solution to this madness. This lawyer was dead on point. She identified after only a five minute conversation that I was trying to manage Luc, trying to make him less dysfunctional, and trying to make him a better father.
The ugly truth is that this phase of “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” is maddening. This phase is difficult because while it appears impossible and unsustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a playbook on how to fix the situation. There are a lot of things I won’t have control over. No matter how much I document and how much I plan for the safety and protection of my baby boy, Luc will continue to lie, deceive, and terrorize.
So, for now, I battle my nerves and practice my “grey rock” of emotions when faced with Luc’s terror and menacing behavior. There are many things out of my control in this situation, but I can control one thing – I can be the best mother I know how to be. This is going to be one bumpy ride and the war is far from over.
CappuccinoQueen, what the domestic violence attorney said were pearls of wisdom that you needed to hear from someone who knows the Law. Throughout this whole course of ugly events, you’ve been expecting (as we ALL do) that the Legal System will recognize the danger that lucifer is and make reasonalbe decisions, and the sad, sorry, and undeniable truth is that the Legal System doesn’t do this, even under the best of circumstances.
Hearing this from an attorney is probably like a slap in the face, but it’s true. We may dislike this truth and want desperately to alter it, but it remains the truth, nonetheless.
I remember how I felt when my own divorce attorney said to me, “He simply never cared.” You know that knife of cold dread that runs through your gut when you find out something awful? Well…..
So, “going through the motions” is all you are required to do, CappuccinoQueen. Trying to manage this monster will not only be a waste of your precious time, but your energies are so important to your own recovery and for raising your beautiful boy. That’s the core of the matter – every action, motion, hearing, appearance, complaint, and legal concern falls upon deaf ears – even with mountains of evidence to “prove” that you’re concers are VALID, the Court is just another venue that reduces your validity to nil. So…..what, now?
You have sole custody. EXCELLENT. “Communication” is third party. EXCELLENT. He has supervised visitation – not so good, but it is still supervised. He has “involvement” – not so good, but it’s Court Ordered. But, what this man will never, ever have again for the rest of your life is you. The Court cannot order you to peel off a piece of yourself and hand it over to this thing. Keep you close to yourself, CappuccinoQueen, and glory in the fact that you got out, you’ve got your beautiful boy, and you’re going to sort this out in very, very good order because you GET IT!!!
Brightest, brightest blessings to you!!!
Truthspeak, yes what that attorney said was hard to hear, but I also appreciated so much hearing it.
Unfortunately, Luc has UNsupervised visitation. The only thing the court required is that the transfers be done through a supervisor so that the danger of him doing something to me (or if you ask him….me or my family doing something to him) is reduced. For me, this is the hardest part to handle because its not IF he will do something harmful….its WHEN. He is not capable of sustaining healthy relationships and has victimized everyone who has come in contact with him – including his older son.
But yes, I thank God every day that I got out and that he has no more access to me. Unfortunately, however, every time he takes my son it feels like he is taking me too because of how much I love that little boy.
I hate that I have to “play along” when he throws any rule book out the window and is continues to get away with it. I am working on recovering, though, because I know that is what my son needs most. He needs his mom to be healthy.
Dear C’Queen,
pseudo-co-parenting, wonderful term and so true.
I think the lawyer lady is probably right on, you HAVE been trying to “manage” him. I think we all try to manage our psychopaths….NC is a “management” tool, it controls access to us.
What I can’t figure out is why the courts think if the man is a DANGER to the mother of his child, he could/would not ALSO be a danger to the child. DUH????
Gray rock in this case is the best you can do and hopefully he will lose interest in your Prince. I think that many times the ONLY interest they have in a baby is to jerk the chain of the mother. So if you maintain gray rock and don’t give him any feed back, then hopefully he will become BORED.
I think sometimes it is a “terrible” way to think of things, but when they pick or get a new victim, they leave the old ones alone. Always seem to have to have new drama. I hate to wish a psychopath on someone else….but maybe Luc will find a new victim and get bored with you and the prince.
Hi C’Queen,
You are handling this so well under your circumstances. In my state, they passed a law where they are not to order or expect any family or together counseling with a parent when there is documented abuse. I will say the horrible supervisor/interventionist demanded I face him in a counselling situation in her office which was against that law but my attorney told me to abide as she was considered a judicial officer so I did. It was so bad. My little girl was outside the room and had shoved a card under the door saying all she could hear was spath screaming at me and to hold the card so I knew I was loved! Sick Sick.
I had to research my own co-parenting with this man who behaved so badly and I ran across several articles on “parallel parenting”. Please look this up. It is the best help we have in an otherwise hopeless situation. It gives tips and help of what you can control and what you can’t. It helps reassure your loving home and parenting will prevail even though the other parent will never be able to parent with you. The model of parallel parenting was made for those of us who could not co-parent with the other and possibly from the people who write much regarding divorcing difficult people or high conflict people such as spaths, bpds etc.
I hope this helps.
Eralyn
Eralyn, you are spot on, if a human being is a threat to any other human being it should follow that he is a potential danger to all human beings. The logic behind ” a kid needs a relationship with an abusive father” is just a devilish or naive logic.
When u deal with a legal system that tells you this, then you understand that you really are alone in this and nobody cares for you but God if you believe in God.
My son’s father does all he can to engage me at one level or the other. I realize he gets his kicks from stirring up trouble. Most times I just ignore him but when I cannot, I reply him with as much venom as I can muster :). Dunno if it hurts him, but I just try. But most times I simply starve him by not engaging in arguments!
Thanks everyone for your advice and well wishes. Yes, I have heard of parallel parenting. I think the thing I find the hardest is dealing with the fact that I know my son with be abused or neglected while he is with Luc.
I am thankful, however, that unless (or until) this unsustainable situation puts us back in court I don’t have to see Luc.
Ox Drover, yes I have heard many people tell me that I should pray he moves onto a new victim. On one hand, I would love for him to set his sights on someone else and leave us alone; however, had the last woman done that I wouldn’t be in this situation.
I don’t wish this sort of monster on anyone. I feel terrible for the next woman whom he traps. I know its just a matter of time since the police don’t appear to want to prioritize stopping his reign of terror.
My Spath filed for sole custody this year using baseless lies. He admitted to me during the months of trial that he didn’t want sole custody just 50/50. Prior to this he had visitation every other weekend, every Monday night at dinner, two non-consecutive weeks of vacation and we alternated holidays and school holidays. His motive for changing custody was to cut his child support payments in half. Luckily the judge told him that the child support wouldn’t change but the real downside is that my daughter truly believed that this change in custody would mean that her Spath dad would want to spend more time with her and make her a priority. Sadly, as I knew it would be, he is mad that he didn’t achieve his goal of paying less child support and has spent even less time with our teenage daughter than before the custody fight.
The judge in this case continued to plead with me to try to co-parent with my ex-husband. In five years I have never changed visitation for personal activities. My ex constantly gives up time with his daughter to go on trips with girlfriends, spend time with college buddies he hasn’t cared to see since graduation. I always ask him to rethink his decisions in the best interest of our daughter but of course he always makes the wrong choice. Our daughter takes this rejection personally and despite my support she feels bad.
After showing photos of my daughters swollen face from an allergic reaction to an anti-biotic she was on while in the care of her doctor father (he did nothing to help her and dropped her at my house without a word) to the judge. The judge reprimanded me for not involving my ex-husband when I immediately called the after hours number for the family physician. I told the judge that my ex dropped her off in this condition and did nothing to help. He repeated but you didn’t involve him in the decision for her treatment. This same judge mandated that my ex and I take a co-parenting class.
The family court system is a mess and has no desire to identify sociopaths and deal with them as they need to be dealt with. When not working I dedicate my time to my daughter and do so happily. I enjoy spending time with my daughter and realize that she will leave for college in 3 years and cherish the time. She can’t understand why her dad doesn’t want to spend time with her after dragging her through court for 7 months to change (disrupt the original custody order). My daughter’s law guardian saw the photos of her swollen face and agreed in court that she should spend more time her father. This week my daughter told me that her dad had no food in the house so she couldn’t make her lunch for school. He is a doctor and can afford food but he is just letting her know that she isn’t a priority for him. Sadly, she is mature enough to know not to take this personally because her dad is a sociapath. There should be laws against this type of emotional abuse but sadly the legal system continues to support the underhanded tactics of sociopaths.
I got tired of my ex monkeying around with my child support payments so I contacted the child support office to reroute his payments. He was given 7 weeks to redirect the payments so their would be no lapse. To pay me back he did nothing and now I will probably be out child support payments for the next 5 weeks until the payments are finally rerouted so he wins again. I have resigned myself that every month for the until my daughter leaves for college will be spath challenges. I find that if I just accept that they will happen it is easier to deal with them. I have thousands of dollars in legal debt for a system that failed me when all I was trying to do was protect my daughter.
Until the legal system chooses to recognize sociopathy we will be left to fend for ourselves with these sick individuals. I advise my daughter to speak freely to her father about how he makes her feel, not because this will change his behavior, but because it gives her the power to make her feelings known and not keep them buried inside.
Good luck to those of you who are in this situation. I hope you do find some peace in your lives.
Hi C’Queen,
I have been in litigation for over 7 years ..spaths like court it make them feel important. I am very fortunate in that neither of my children want any contact with the spath, just the money for their education. Last payment for child maintenance is July 2013, thereafter payments for university will go straight to my children ..I am then free.
Newlife62 is spot on when she says there does come a point when you simply resign yourself to the court and their uselessness. You cannot change a spath’s behaviour, but you can learn to not react. Spaths inevitably get bored; and yours will too.
It always surprises me that a spath will happily drag a child to court (February 2012), and then find it ‘shocking’ (spaths words) that the child now 19 does not want it to even know which university she is attending. It is always about them!
When July 2013 ticks round, I am going to explain to the spath why taking me to court was stupid, and why here in the UK he could have avoided his costs and mine and even his child support. I shall enjoy that moment .. as money and winning matters more to the spath than anything else. Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Lawyers, barristers and even some judges I have no respect for, you are just another case on the conveyor belt of misery.
Conversely, it now amuses me (took along time) that I am clearly more in his thoughts than it is in mine as it still plays games, late payments, incorrect amount etc.
My thoughts are with all of you who are unfortunate to be in litigation with a spath with regards to children ..but children do grow up!
moveingon — How could your ex have gotten away with avoiding child support?
Thank you for your stories. moveingon, it is shocking when they can’t understand why people don’t want to be close to them after they have been so intent on terrorizing. I guess that is part of the disorder. They must think that people were put on this earth solely to serve their insane desires.
newlife62, my ex also tried to ask for sole custody. He claimed it was because he felt that was the only way he would be able to see his son. The truth: he thought he would get me to pay him child support so that he could continue sitting at home and playing video games instead of going out to find a real job.
Luc is currently happy living off of the death benefits from his older son’s mother. He is a parasite to his own child. It’s sick really and also shocking that one can feel like a man…having reached middle age and amounted to nothing more than a parasite to the women and children in his life. Pathetic.
And yes, I know Luc enjoys going to court. He has no life and court time allows him to terrorize me. He also enjoys the fact that no matter how terrible he is, he knows the justice system will always continue to support him and allow him to continue leeching on society with no remorse.
I so badly want to be over this. I am starting, however, to realize that the only thing I have control over is how his antics make me feel. He is pathetic and insignificant and I need to start treating him as such. Stay strong folks!
And movingon, congratulations for surviving that torture for 18 years. I hope you are planning a big party.