In the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that my Custody War with Luc (my sons sociopathic father) has entered a new phase – I’ll call this phase the “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” phase. The initial Custody Trial is over and our Family Law case has been closed. No matter how bad the judge, lawyers, and supervised exchange professional all want us to go away, none of these people are going to be able to cure Luc of his psychopathy so “going away” is not going to happen.
In my post last week, I noted that my lawyer had suggested me and Luc get “Family Therapy” in order to learn how to communicate with each other. I have thought a lot about this suggestion, and its clear and unabashed ridiculousness. Here I thought that my attorney’s had gotten up close and personal, witnessed the crazy, and understood the depth of Luc’s disorder over the past year. After suggesting that I sit in a room across from my own personal terrorist, however, it became clear that I had been in this fight alone and I was really nothing more than – a client.
Unsustainable “Plan”:
At several points during this Custody War, I remember asking my attorneys to try and make the Custody Order as detailed as possible. I knew that with any vague language, Luc would go to town and continue to terrorize me and baby boy at every turn. I ended up being somewhat disappointed with the final order as it left several unanswered questions and had holes big enough for Luc to drive a truck through. What we ended up with appeared to be a bandaid instead of a real plan.
By giving Luc weekly visitation, the court was asking us to “co-parent” (all be it minimally considering I was granted sole legal custody). I was asked to share “critical information” with Luc via third party (i.e. attorneys) and we were never to communicate directly with each other. The court recognized, at least somewhat, that there was a physical threat involved with direct contact and that “co-parenting” in the classic sense was not possible. The court failed to address, however, how on earth we were supposed to “co-parent” given that communication was too dangerous. They didn’t cover this issue in the court mandated Co-Parenting class I was forced to attend (that Luc was able to effectively skip without accountability).
The supervisor for the exchanges has expressed that she will not pass messages between us, as Luc has already attempted to use her as his personal secretary on numerous occasions. His lawyer has dumped him for not paying her and my attorneys are sick of this case and want me to “go to family therapy” vice bother them with important information to pass (such as medical emergency and doctors information).
Pseudo Co-Parenting:
According to wikipedia (which I understand is not always a reliable source), the principle of co-parenting states that a child has always and in any case the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents, even if they are separated or divorced, unless there is a recognized need to separate him/her from one or both parents.
(Note: As I am sure many of you who have been through a Custody War with a psychopath will agree, the threshold for a “recognized need” to separate a child from one or both parents is extremely high.)
I take real issue with this concept of co-parenting. The idea of co-parenting fails to take into account parents who are not capable of sustaining “stable” relationships with anyone – including their own children.
That all being said, I call this phase I am in “pseudo co-parenting” because its not co-parenting in the true sense at all. It feels as if I am going through all the motions (so to follow the court order), but I am waiting for the next shoe to drop because this is not reality.
What the court failed to realize is that it doesn’t always boil down to the child’s right to maintain a relationship with both parents. I think my son has the right to have a father who cares about him, is stable, and who capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with him; however, I understand that this is not possible given WHAT Luc is – a psychopath. I would like for a magical genie to show up at my front door and grant me three wishes too, but will also never happen.
The Waiting Game:
I received some legal advice this week from at attorney who has been practicing for nearly 30 years. She also specializes in cases involving domestic violence. I went to her for some advice on how to manage situations that appear unsustainable and how to deal with this new “phase” of the Custody War. After hearing my story, she said “you need to learn that you cannot ”˜manage’ a person like this. You are dealing with someone who is dysfunctional at his core; therefore, any time you spend trying to make him functional will be a complete waste of your time.”
This advice seemed so simple and obvious. I felt a little ridiculous that I needed a lawyer to point this out to me after an entire year of feeling like I am beating my head against a wall to come up with a solution to this madness. This lawyer was dead on point. She identified after only a five minute conversation that I was trying to manage Luc, trying to make him less dysfunctional, and trying to make him a better father.
The ugly truth is that this phase of “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” is maddening. This phase is difficult because while it appears impossible and unsustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a playbook on how to fix the situation. There are a lot of things I won’t have control over. No matter how much I document and how much I plan for the safety and protection of my baby boy, Luc will continue to lie, deceive, and terrorize.
So, for now, I battle my nerves and practice my “grey rock” of emotions when faced with Luc’s terror and menacing behavior. There are many things out of my control in this situation, but I can control one thing – I can be the best mother I know how to be. This is going to be one bumpy ride and the war is far from over.
Gaslighter – he has a limited company and pays a small wage and takes the rest in dividends. When challenged why he told the CSA he earned less than £100/week (child maintenance was set at £2.50/week per child) ..his excuse ‘my accountant told me to do that’ ..this is the UK. The CSA now CMEC are notorious for not enforcing and a good accountant could of well have got him off. So on declared income of £100k he claimed only an income of £8,500 per year, despite giving the court a tax return ..fake of course! It is a disorganised litigant in person ..also very, very narcissistic ..told the judge ‘I have studied the law and know my rights’ ..’you are just a woman, what do you know’ ..that went down well with the female judge!
Also he gave so many different addresses it was difficult to track down ..but a bailiff did ..his then ‘current’ (that is what he called her in court papers) wife got a bit of a shock, she hit the bailiff they called the police ..outcome … divorced again …. she was high in spath traits ..I caught her having my house valued, she sent abusive emails to my children including the line, ‘my husband never wants to see or hear from your ever again, good luck’! Also ‘Mr x is the most principled, honest and honourable man I have ever met’ ..deluded ..downloaded off friends reunited website …spath heaven!
Also telling a Family court judge ‘the children are not a priority’ ..is probably not a good idea when you the spath are the applicant ..dohhh!!! The spath is particularly thick, narcissistic and to round off I have posted this before judge to spath ‘write down and read out to the court where you have been living for the last 3 years’ ..we all wait …. and wait ..after a lot of paper shuffling and huffing and puffing its response ‘I can’t remember’ ..lol ..a few moments passed ..judge to me ‘move on Mrs x’ looking at the idiot with total disbelief.
In those particular proceedings (Dec 2011, Jan 2012) a 2 full days of hearings I probably spoke less than 1 hour even under his cross examination, he spent the time calling me ‘a whore, child abuser blah blah’ .. Dec 2012 so I wrote my Christmas list and totally switched off ..no ‘questions’ just ranting ..give it a spade and a coffin, it digs the grave, climbs in the coffin and nails the lid down, and leaves the spade outside ..love em!
Pit me ploys ..fab ..’I am living in my car’, my fingers are arthirtic, my nephew/cousin has jumped off a bridge, I was assauted at my wedding to Mrs X the sequel by her brother, not a good day …I don’t receive father’s day cards …I could go on .. I did silently pray at one stage when it said ‘I never want to see the whore again’ …thank you Lord.
Something more profound and to those who struggle with children and spaths, my daughter (19) it also took to court in Feb 2012. Afterwards she told me that she has no happy memories of him whatsoever, all the good times were with her brother, my family, friends and me …I do feel sad for my children, but I know they cannot be manipulated by it again, and they have more intellect in one of their finger nails than the spath ..and they know that. The judge told it ‘this court does not want to see you ever again Mr X and you have done irreparable damage to any relationship with either of your children, and you soley are responsible’! It was still moaning to the judge when I left.
For all the trouble he gave me ..child maintenance was varied upwards ..I loved that bit ..even more money ..application dismissed and he caved in when the court saw sight of his 2nd decree absolute …not the story he had told under oath. It appears not to matter if you write down lies, swear affidavits galore ..lie about everything ..if a judge’s intelligence is insulted and very much tried ..you have lost! Nothing it said was believed …even the judge told him ‘bailiffs do not care where you live, it is you they are after’ ..spath ‘what about my human rights’ ..big sigh all round!
There was a much simpler way ..but being a spath ..loving all the attention …and being stupid …well ..it will find out next year when I send him my son’s bank details for his new payments ..and an explanation and web link to what it could have done ..:) ..enforcement with bailiffs could never have happened either ..that only cost me £60 and call me evil the day before his 1st wedding anniversary ..paper I believe ..:)
My children give it no head space ..its an embarrassment ..and living in a rented flat having spent (according to it), £60k marrying the now divorced Mrs X the sequel ..and saving up for a property of his own, having been kicked out!!
I fret ever night about his arthritic fingers and IKEA furniture!!
Peace does come, when you see that light at the end of the tunnel ..just hope it is not a train! Cappi you will get there, and you will feel very different from how you now feel ..it changes ..every stage you will go through ..I know you will come out smiling and happy ..why ..because you know what you are dealing with ..hugs from the UK
The light at the end of my tunnel was his orchestrated train wreck for me. I raised 2 beautiful children in spite of him and then he love bombed them away from me. Now he shows them off and takes credit for how wonderful they are and he has alienated them against me. I am battle worn and exhausted from the battle and “There is no joy in Muddville, mighty Casey has struck out.”
Betsybugs, I am truly sorry to hear that your children have been alienated from you. My heart goes out to you. Time (that old cliche) changes some things, I hope in your case you are together with your beautiful children one day, the children you raised. Your children will remember and appreciate what you did for them, not next week, but they will, I know that from experience. Hugs.
I have been in an ongoing custody war for the past 8 years. I have 7 more to go. I feel fortunate that I had some good advice from the first wife, to document everything! My ex S lost custody two years into the war due to abuse. The children didn’t want to see him and they were only 3 and 6. After many hearings which he initiated, I was awarded sole legal and sole physical custody. It was hard to support the children on my own with no family support, but it was worth it! We had no contact for a couple of years.
My ex S got remarried, then came his request for visitation rights. He failed to do what was requested of him, ( not a single supervised visit in the couple of years, therapy, etc) so the judge ordered we both do a psych evaluation (730) and reunification therapy, coparenting therapy, etc. All of that was done. The 730 evaluation noted his psychopathic and narcissistic trains and also called him out on being aggressive. Two days before his interview with his then “current” wife, he was arrested for physically abusing her and her daughter. This was withheld from the evaluator.
Long story short, that wife was allowed by the courts to be his “visitation monitor” until I looked up his name in the criminal court system and learned of his charge. She filed for divorce, so there went his health coverage to pay for the reunification therapy. Again, he has rights to PAY for a supervision monitor to see the kids, but chose not to. (btw thru this I was accused of Parental Alienation by him) fast forward two more years and he files for visitation again. The follow up 730 was ordered, my atty requested the same evaluator so he would learn of the abuse withheld from him on the third ex wife. Granted. My ex said he couldn’t afford the veal, as he lost his job. (he worked for best friend of 35 years’ company. Uh-huh) So the judge gave him 5 months to comeup with his share of the $ and complete the Eval. Thru this all he had a phone schedule (court ordered) when he could talk to the children twice a week. He would call, twice a week, and repeatedly ask the boys what grade they were in, etc…like he never listened the call before. They resented the calls and had to be forced to speak to him. Finally, the oldest told him, ” I don’t want to talk to you dad, ok bye”. This happened twice in a row and he hasn’t called since June. Our follow up hearing on the 730 Eval is next week. My atty fees are at $2200.00 just to fight this hearing, to fight him on not getting any custody rights before the follow up is done.
O yes, after abusing wife # 3, he beat up someone outside of a bar. Spent 3 months in jail. That helped my case too. The guy has threatened that I “will not survive this…” and I am terrified every time I go to court. I get the deputies to escort me out every time. On FB he posts that he got his black belt and teaches self defense classes…
Seven more years….
Point of my sharing was to tell anyone in a custody war to request a psychological evaluation on both parties, also called a “custody evaluation” it worked to my advantage!
Desert flower, do document everything, I would record even phone calls, whether it is legal or not. Your spath is a boomerang one, back and forth at his leisure. Your son however, sounds very smart, clearly takes after his mother 🙂 Like you I always start out on the premise that if spath tells/promises the court anything (especially voluntarily) it is a lie. To date the spath has never let me down, everything is a lie, as I am sure in your case its FB profile is. For what its worth, I was told courts let it run and run, allow blatant lying, misconduct etc to avoid any chance of an appeal (in case they have cocked up) …and it keeps them in work .. Stay strong!
Thank u, moveingon…it’s quite comical, the lies. He told another court re: child support, that he is “unemployable” due to being on probation and needing back surgery. I said, then how do you teach karate, ( as stated on FB, if u currently need back surgery and cannot work?”
I used to believe everything this man told me, because I, myself, am an honest person and believe people are mostly of good conscience.
Desert Flower, yes you and me both ‘believed’ ..but when you finally see them for what they are (and many people have/do and will), there is no going back …a to**er it is and always will be. Needing back surgery and teaching karate …no problem for a spath ..he is so sought after due to his ‘amazing skills’ he teaches it all through telepathy ..ya de da. Whilst spewing out their lies they actually think they are getting one over on people …most people are not going to challenge them to their face. As my mother once told the spath ‘to be a good liar you have to have a very good memory, you are neither a good liar and your appear to have lost your memory up your backside’ ..my mum (god rest her soul) ..was blunt, and completely saw right through him!
desert flower, I am happy to hear your story in that I love to hear about Psychopaths falling on their own story. You are also so correct about documenting everything. One thing though, not sure if this is the same in every state but while a “custody evaluation” is a good thing to have…it is not a psychological evaluation. In my case, we had records of TWO custody evaluators who said that Luc was both unfit and not psychologically well but the court did not accept that as the same as a psychologist. So, the court ordered him to have a psych eval and he went and found a female therapist he was able to charm the pants off of who ended up becoming his mouth piece. IF you are able to convince the court that the person is in need of psych testing…push that the court order an independent tester because otherwise it will be the same crap of lies and deception.
Hello Cappuccino Queen,
In my state we did a 730 (psychological) evaluation, complete with personality testing all done via computer. Then interviews were conducted with the children and without. We were interviewed together. The courts adapted the recommendation of the evaluator, which he based the recommendations on the scores of the psychological tests. My recommendation is to not allow the evaluator or therapist of any kind to be of the opposite sex of the Ex S., as I know how the professionals also fall to their charms and manipulations. I saw my ex do it with his pretty female attorney. Funny thing, though, once he was called out on the assault charge of his third wife, who his attorney was friends with, the atty dropped him like a hot potato.
Karma is a *itch…
Cappuccino Queen, your story intrigues me. I pray that you can keep sweet baby boy safe.