In the past couple of weeks, I have come to realize that my Custody War with Luc (my sons sociopathic father) has entered a new phase – I’ll call this phase the “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” phase. The initial Custody Trial is over and our Family Law case has been closed. No matter how bad the judge, lawyers, and supervised exchange professional all want us to go away, none of these people are going to be able to cure Luc of his psychopathy so “going away” is not going to happen.
In my post last week, I noted that my lawyer had suggested me and Luc get “Family Therapy” in order to learn how to communicate with each other. I have thought a lot about this suggestion, and its clear and unabashed ridiculousness. Here I thought that my attorney’s had gotten up close and personal, witnessed the crazy, and understood the depth of Luc’s disorder over the past year. After suggesting that I sit in a room across from my own personal terrorist, however, it became clear that I had been in this fight alone and I was really nothing more than – a client.
Unsustainable “Plan”:
At several points during this Custody War, I remember asking my attorneys to try and make the Custody Order as detailed as possible. I knew that with any vague language, Luc would go to town and continue to terrorize me and baby boy at every turn. I ended up being somewhat disappointed with the final order as it left several unanswered questions and had holes big enough for Luc to drive a truck through. What we ended up with appeared to be a bandaid instead of a real plan.
By giving Luc weekly visitation, the court was asking us to “co-parent” (all be it minimally considering I was granted sole legal custody). I was asked to share “critical information” with Luc via third party (i.e. attorneys) and we were never to communicate directly with each other. The court recognized, at least somewhat, that there was a physical threat involved with direct contact and that “co-parenting” in the classic sense was not possible. The court failed to address, however, how on earth we were supposed to “co-parent” given that communication was too dangerous. They didn’t cover this issue in the court mandated Co-Parenting class I was forced to attend (that Luc was able to effectively skip without accountability).
The supervisor for the exchanges has expressed that she will not pass messages between us, as Luc has already attempted to use her as his personal secretary on numerous occasions. His lawyer has dumped him for not paying her and my attorneys are sick of this case and want me to “go to family therapy” vice bother them with important information to pass (such as medical emergency and doctors information).
Pseudo Co-Parenting:
According to wikipedia (which I understand is not always a reliable source), the principle of co-parenting states that a child has always and in any case the right to maintain a stable relationship with both parents, even if they are separated or divorced, unless there is a recognized need to separate him/her from one or both parents.
(Note: As I am sure many of you who have been through a Custody War with a psychopath will agree, the threshold for a “recognized need” to separate a child from one or both parents is extremely high.)
I take real issue with this concept of co-parenting. The idea of co-parenting fails to take into account parents who are not capable of sustaining “stable” relationships with anyone – including their own children.
That all being said, I call this phase I am in “pseudo co-parenting” because its not co-parenting in the true sense at all. It feels as if I am going through all the motions (so to follow the court order), but I am waiting for the next shoe to drop because this is not reality.
What the court failed to realize is that it doesn’t always boil down to the child’s right to maintain a relationship with both parents. I think my son has the right to have a father who cares about him, is stable, and who capable of maintaining a healthy relationship with him; however, I understand that this is not possible given WHAT Luc is – a psychopath. I would like for a magical genie to show up at my front door and grant me three wishes too, but will also never happen.
The Waiting Game:
I received some legal advice this week from at attorney who has been practicing for nearly 30 years. She also specializes in cases involving domestic violence. I went to her for some advice on how to manage situations that appear unsustainable and how to deal with this new “phase” of the Custody War. After hearing my story, she said “you need to learn that you cannot ”˜manage’ a person like this. You are dealing with someone who is dysfunctional at his core; therefore, any time you spend trying to make him functional will be a complete waste of your time.”
This advice seemed so simple and obvious. I felt a little ridiculous that I needed a lawyer to point this out to me after an entire year of feeling like I am beating my head against a wall to come up with a solution to this madness. This lawyer was dead on point. She identified after only a five minute conversation that I was trying to manage Luc, trying to make him less dysfunctional, and trying to make him a better father.
The ugly truth is that this phase of “unsustainable pseudo co-parenting” is maddening. This phase is difficult because while it appears impossible and unsustainable, and there doesn’t seem to be a playbook on how to fix the situation. There are a lot of things I won’t have control over. No matter how much I document and how much I plan for the safety and protection of my baby boy, Luc will continue to lie, deceive, and terrorize.
So, for now, I battle my nerves and practice my “grey rock” of emotions when faced with Luc’s terror and menacing behavior. There are many things out of my control in this situation, but I can control one thing – I can be the best mother I know how to be. This is going to be one bumpy ride and the war is far from over.
Freemama:
(1) I would change “for no good reason” to something like, “for a vacation which could have been scheduled during a school vacation.” Just focus on the objective facts, and don’t get involved in a discussion about the proper justification for missing school.
(2) Leave off the last sentence about hoping that he will show the same consideration in any future conflict. (a) This sentence makes you appear combative, and makes it seem as though you expect your relationship with your ex to continue to be difficult. It also makes you appear to be operating on a tit-for-tat point collecting level. “I’ll let you screw up Timmy’s education with a two-week vacation today, but in return I expect a Get Out of Jail Free card for my next act of irresponsibility.
(3) If he DOES go ahead and take the child out of school for two weeks, I would THEN ask the principal to write him a letter explaining why unexcused absences of that length are highly inappropriate. Suck up to the principal — tell her that Ex just doesn’t listen to you, but might be more willing to accept advice from Timmy’s teacher or principal. Don’t harangue the principal with information about all of the ex’s past failures. Discuss the school attendance issue only. Remember that all teachers and principals are “mandated reporters.” If you are sobbing in her office, or ranting and raving about your ex, she may call Child Protective Services on BOTH of you.
(4) After the trip is over, try to keep track of whether your ex does ANYTHING to help Timmy catch up with his missed lessons, or if he dumps the job on you. If he doesn’t have Timmy do at least part of the work during the trip, and doesn’t help him to finish the missed work when the trip is over, then try to get the teacher to document that for you in case your ex wants to take additional trips during the school year in the future. By the way, if this had gone to court on a motion, I would figure that your ex would lose unless the trip is to see terminally ill Grampa for the last time, etc. Assuming that you live in America, a judge is going to wonder why the kid needs a major vacation in October, when the summer ended not too long ago, and Thanksgiving and Christmas will be rolling around not too long after the trip ends.
(5) I hate to say it, but don’t assume that the principal is actually on your side. You have no real idea what her interactions with your ex are like, and as someone posted here recently in regard to the court system, the principal and teachers may see all divorced couples as Damaged Goods. My children ended up changing schools multiple times, and my ex caused endless problems. A couple of the principals told me that they backed me up 100%, but the reality was very different. Partly fecklessness; partly incompetence.
CQueen: Ask your attorney, or call the courthouse to find out how mediation works in your jurisdiction. Don’t assume that you won’t have to be in the same room with Luc, etc. The bottom line is that because spaths are very comfortable lying through their teeth while under oath, they are quite formidable in the courthouse. Luc, who is unemployed, is not missing work for all of these courtdates and psych appointments, but presumably you ARE. IMHO, every time you go to the courthouse you are likely to walk out with less than what you have right now.
Thanks. I wrote the last sentence for the remote possibility that I might need to take him out of school, if only for a day or two. The last thing I need is to put any ultimatums down that can be used against me. He wouldn’t hesitate anyway. If I was doing this, he’d probably already be getting his amber alert call ready. I’m not kidding with that. He threatened that before we even had a parenting plan or agreement. Unless he had something better to do, he’d insist on saying no to my requests.
Oh and he’s going to his cousin’s wedding in Arizona. I don’t see that as a good reason, but maybe I shouldn’t put it like that.
I’m hesitant to drag the principal in too much. I don’t want to annoy her. She knows I’m the one taking him to school and picking him up every day and taking him to events. The spath wanted to go to the open house tonight (he never has done that), so I’m assuming he’s buttering her up. Him going precludes me from going, which sucks but I just can’t be in a room with him. I haven’t been in a room with him outside a court room or lawyer’s office in almost three years. It works for me. I certainly didn’t get much understanding from that mediator today, but thank the maker I can always come here for support. You guys rawk!!!
DfG, You are wise beyond words…
Freemama:
My ex was a real Tit for Tat kind of a guy, but he always wanted something “up front” in exchange for something for me “down the road.” Everything had to be in writing, or I got cheated every single time. When I stopped taking his phone calls, he went crazy.
TWO WEEKS to attend a wedding??? They must be tagging along on the honeymoon!
My advice: Go to every open house and back-to-school night. Force yourself to ignore your ex. If he realizes that he can prevent you from visiting the school by attending himself, he will go to every single function just out of spite. And he will be DOCUMENTING the fact that he “always” goes and that you “never” attend. So you drive your child to and from school every day, but he gets all the SuperDaddy Brownie points for never missing an Open House or Science Fair.
He may also play games with you by saying that he is definitely going, and then not going at all. Your child will be hurt if you don’t go to look at his art projects and science experiments, etc. Just hold your nose and do it. Get there early, sit on the far edge of the seating area, and let him sit elsewhere. Don’t look around to see if he is there — talk to some of the other parents while you wait. If he deliberately sits next to you, he is trying to provoke a scene — say nothing and ignore him.
As has been mentioned on this site time and again, the more upset you appear to be in his presence, the more he will want to be in your presence.
A lot of schools only schedule ONE parent-teacher conference each semester, and refuse to hold separate conferences for divorced parents. They schedule the conference, and whoever shows up, shows up. Whatever you do, do NOT think that because you chit chat with the teacher or a regular basis that you can blow off the scheduled conference because you don’t want to have to sit next to your Ex, or be in the same room with the Ex’s new girlfriend, who used to be your Best Friend or co-worker, etc. If your Ex convinces the judge that you are not interested in your child’s academic progress, you could end up losing custody.
Attend everything, be polite to everyone at the school, and grit your teeth and force yourself to be polite or at least civil to your Ex while you are forced to be together for a brief period of time in public.
The most common allegation that ex-wives make about ex-husbands is that the ex-husband has a substance abuse problem. The most common allegation that ex-husbands make about ex-wives is that the wife is mentally ill. If he is his typical charming sociopathic self each time the two of you are thrown together in a public setting, and you are a snarling b****, he is going to succeed in convincing people that YOU were the one who “caused” the divorce, and that it must be horrible for little Sammy to have to spend so much time with such a disturbed woman.
Believe me, I went through a lot of what you are now going through, and I handled it very badly. I was just so angry about being cheated out of everything, and my anger was made so much worse by knowing that he was just playing games with the court system, the court-ordered mediator, the school personnel, etc.
If he comes up to you at the school and wants to “discuss” the custody schedule, etc., just say that you are at the school to attend the Open House or whatever, and that he can call you over the weekend — you don’t have your Daytimer with you, and you can’t agree to any scheduling adjustments without consulting it first. Do NOT let him create a drama in public. He may be tape-recording you or even videotaping you.
There used to be a T-shirt that said, “I’d rather be 40 than pregnant.” Well, I’d rather be in my mid-50s than go back to my early 30s and be embroiled in a never-ending custody dispute.
My heart breaks when I read some of the stories on this website.
God bless you all!
You’re awesome, DfG!
My ds is in 2nd grade now. Yesterday was literally the first time he’s gone to any school function. It was just to butter up to principal. I doubt I’ll have to worry much about more appearances. He’s got his band and secret girlfriends and such that’s always been more entertaining to him. He’s married now (big surprise – he’s never lived on his own, and he’s 38!) to a woman he met online. I’ve never met her, though I see her in her car (which he took from her when his broke down – he did the same to me.). I feel bad for her, but it’s her journey now.
We got our parenting plan over 2 years ago. It’d be nice if he kept to it, but he’s always trying to change it, and currently he’s focused on this “right of first refusal”. Things would have to change drastically for them to actually change it in this state. I haven’t done anything wrong. He just demands to meet my roommates who help me with childcare, and it’s not his business.
Just more hassles at this very busy time.
Ack – time to get off work. Thanks again!!!!
So my attorney told me today that while I am not required to give Luc a makeup visit, if I don’t he will use it to make me look uncooperative and bad in court. That being said, I offered a make up date in a few weeks to which the supervisor said she was not available. Am I still on the hook to keep negotiating or can we stop this crazy drama?
One of the issues I am having now is that our person supervising the exchanges is two faced and won’t be honest in court if she is called. She talks behind Luc’s back to me, but protects him on the stand. I am so tired of these people.
C’queen,
I would keep on acting like I wanted to give him a make up visit, like I was cooperating, but pick dates that are inconvenient for the supervisor, or for Luc…and be inconvenienced by their dates, just delay, delay delay….but with APPARENT motive of cooperation.
Keep in mind too, that as an infant, The prince is not going to be very much “fun” for Luc to visit with EXCEPT that he enjoys pulling your chain, so with you not being upset with his visits, what is he going to gain? My guess is that Luc will become eventually BORED with visiting junior when he could be out scamming someone. Unless you have the ability to bond and connect, babies are not much fun.
CappQ ~
Don’t you get tired of “looking good” just in case you get back into court? I know I did. How good does Luc look and does anyone seem to notice?
I certainly don’t want to give advice, especially when it doesn’t match what your attorney says, but if you are not required to give makeup visits why would you offer? In our custody order, it spells out, in great detail, making up missed visits (when, where etc.). If this is not in your order, Oh Well, sorry about your luck Luc. Also, as your attorney told you previously, it is a good chance he doesn’t even have an attorney, so chances of him taking you back to court for being uncooperative are pretty slim. I would think that if there were a number of times that you cancelled and refused make up visits, that may be different, but one missed visit is not enough to make anything out of. IMHO only!
I think under your circumstances, with the baby having been so sick and the chance that he could begin running a fever again, within the time frame of the illness, a court would not feel you are being uncooperative.
I know it has been mentioned before, but have you looked into Our Family Wizard to communicate with. It may be better than to try to get your supervisor to pass on information.
I hope the baby is feeling much better.
Ox Drover, yes…I can’t imagine baby boy being too much fun for him. Over the course of the last few months, Luc has cancelled five visits and cut a three hr visit short by an hr (at the last minute).
It’s interesting how he can do this and still appear as though he is “devastated” when he loses a visit. I am “bending over backward” to give him a make up when he cancels right and left. One time, he actually claimed he couldn’t get out of work. He told the supervisor he was working at a fast food joint. Just for kicks, I called the place when he claimed he was working (during the time of the scheduled visit) and nobody there had ever heard of him. He presented documents to the court claiming he worked at this place. They were clearly created on his computer. The judge, however, didn’t seem to care as these fake docs “checked the box.”
Good idea though. I will keep suggesting and trying to negotiate knowing that if I make a suggestion he will find a way to disagree. I suggested a weekday visit (because they are only a few hrs) and the supervisor and me appear busy for the next few months. He hates weekday visits because he has to sit in traffic and he doesnt have the ability to take my son home and ignore him. (because he is forced to be in public with a crying toddler)
Let the games continue. Honestly, as sick as this sounds…on some level we all should get to the point where we can just laugh at these fools when we start beating them at their own manipulation games.
Wow. Wish I would’ve read this thread before my morning rant on another. Such good advice and spot on! Really hindsight is 20/20 and everyone who has experienced this knows and it doesn’t even matter what continent you are on?! Those who have already experienced this and made mistakes, reflect back and see how you shoulda woulda coulda handled it better and sharing those words of wisdom and experiences suggesting the better way are lessons you can never get from a book.
CappQ, I think one of the most tiring things in my case was all the people who offensively injected themselves into our lives, being ordered to me jump at their whims. It was a horrible experience. I did have over a decade of raising my daughter (I raised her alone and was taught to say “the” child) well and was stunned at how I no longer felt like her parent. I was stripped of my rights and freedoms to parent as I had. Anything I did or said became an issue. I had proof the way we had been operating was successful but it didn’t matter one bit. One of the success stories I heard about from an advocate in my state was about a child who started having some medical issues. When they laid out the responsiblities tied to the serious ailment, spath bowed out quickly. Miraculous recovery after he went away. 🙂
I wanted to suggest you send a copy of information to the supervisor of your case of any communications she tries to avoid via cc: her at the bottom so if ever there is a question if she was aware, you have proof. Pay close attention to what the drama feeder avoids as this can be a “tell” of exactly what needs to happen somehow. Medical conditions could be something she’s required to handle a certain way or she may know lawsuits have been paid in that area so make sure she gets a copy…..for her file of course.
The parallel parenting doesn’t ‘work’ but it is an option that I felt took the failing co-parenting off of my back as I sounded willing to attempt ‘this’ when ‘that’ isn’t working. It put a stick in their spokes attempting to say I was unwilling. I would even go so far as printing something out to the supervisor to discuss her thoughts about it! The only parenting that works with “it” and “Luc” and “spath” is single parenting/no contact.
Laughing at these fools is when healing is happening. Being able to roll your eyes and walk on is when you’ve mastered the grey rock, you’re no longer freaking as a protective parent worrying about your kids, you’ve accepted the courts as the mess that they are. I have noted the ones who are at that point seem to be 7+ years into their courtcase. Ugh.