Sociopaths have been described in many ways that, at least, from time to time, might describe some of the rest of us: As glib, manipulative, exploitative, superficial; as seeing and relating to others as objects rather than persons.
Sociopaths, in other words, don’t have a patent on these qualities. You can be a nonsociopath and be glib and superficial. You can be a nonsociopath and be a constitutional bullshitter and sometimes manipulator: Just go visit the used-car salesmen at your local dealership, and see for yourself (sure, some of them may be sociopaths, but not most).
Naturally, when you begin to combine these qualities—especially adding “exploitative” to the mix—and identify them as an individual’s default style of interaction, you’ve entered potentially sociopathic terrain.
In my experience, I’ve found other qualities—but also not in isolation—to be somewhat distinctively suggestive of sociopathy. One—the quality of emotional vacancy—really captures my attention when I observe or experience it.
I’m working clinically, at present, with two male individuals, Allen, 20, who already has a long legal rap sheet (minor criminal violations), while the other, Ted, 31, has no arrest history, but has been fired from various jobs for leaving a string of female colleagues and customers troubled by his sexually invasive behaviors.
Allen has diagnoses in the system as an antisocial personality with a probable earlier diagnosis of conduct disorder. Yet he is not, I’m quite confident, a sociopath.
Conversely, Ted has had no significant mental health diagnoses I’m aware of, yet I suspect he has a touch, if not more than a touch, of sociopathy in his personality. (I suggested this to a team of providers involved with Ted, who hadn’t considered it but were disarmed and intrigued by it.)
What is it about Ted that got me thinking along the lines of sociopathy?
Yes, he is socially facile—gregarious, glib, a schmoozer, described by others as “outgoing.” But while relevant, let’s be honest: this (alone) could describe a fourth of the population.
But what further raised my eyebrows was Ted’s reaction to his pattern of leaving women feeling disturbed by his aggression—specifically, he makes excuses, rationalizes his behaviors; consistently denies and/or minimizes his actions; and tellingly, conveys no empathy for the experience of the women.
His concern, in other words, begins and ends with how these incidents will impact his subsequent employablility; there isn’t the remotest (genuine) interest in his effect on his victims.
This is one aspect of the emotional vacancy—expressed in this instance as a lack of empathy—that I suggest can signal possible sociopathy.
Ted, incidentally, is not cruel, or driven to hurt others. He insists he doesn’t “get off” on leaving women feeling uncomfortable and threatened, and I tend to believe him.
His sociopathic quality, if I’m right, is reflected less in an intentionally hurtful agenda than in his emotional indifference to the unintentional hurt he inflicts in the self-centered pursuit of his momentary needs.
Ted is more impulsive than calculating, more thoughtless than scheming. He sees a woman undressing, for instance, in a dressingroom and he wants a view. He knows intellectually that it’s the wrong thing to do. But he wants the view.
He knows that if the woman sees him peering in on her, she will be upset. As I said, he doesn’t relish, it seems, the idea of upsetting her so much as he cares too little about her discomfort, her sense of violation, to deter him from taking what he wants—a view of her.
There is a second aspect of Ted’s emotional vacancy that I find possibly indicative of sociopathy: When I’m with him (unlike my experience with Allen) I feel that I am not really there for him. Yes, he is inquisitive, wants to know how I’m doing, what’s up with this and that? He schmoozes, as I’ve said.
But it’s a bit like the experience you might have with a politician who, trolling the crowd, looks you in the eye and asks questions of interest and shakes your hand, but all the while you feel like he’s really looking through you, or beyond you, to the next hand he’s waiting to shake, the next vote he’s canvassing. You feel that a second later he will have blotted out the memory of the interaction and, on parting, you.
I have this experience of Ted—nothing malicious-intended. He’s not taking anything tangible from me. Just that, in my interactions with him, I somehow don’t feel completely real”¦to him.
Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I’ve seen it in action- to listen is downright uncomfortable for them. If you are of little use to them…their level of engagement is low and, as I have experienced, will swing into outright cruelty to make you cease demands.
I used to think my sociopath was perverted driven by primal needs, BUT NOT plotting, like your Ted. I wouldn’t write-off his “getting off” remember they play to their audience. My psycho revealed his manipulative tactics a few times in retrospect- he state: “Right now she’s figuring out what happened.” Or- the statement:” I expect the police at my door, asking if I know the deceased.” He had no emotional investment in his mistress, but he knew what state he put her in and pondered what she would do. He enjoyed reading about serial killers ( I learned from a family member, he hide this)- though claimed to be so intellectual and above pulp. Often he spoke about his “sins” with relish.
I had the feeling it was the getting away with, duping, that he enjoyed most of all.
If I listed all the different facets of my P’s behaviour, it would be hard to believe I was only talking about one person.
At the beginning I believed 100% that he was kind, gentle, romantic and loving. He was never physically violent so it took a long time to sus out his true personality.
I do remember looking at him once when he had a hard, brooding expression on his face unlike his usual self. I said ” What’s the matter, you look like a completely different person”. For a second he was startled and then his face magically turned into the romantic, loving person I thought he was. I think that for one moment he had let the mask slip.
I can also remember being at his house on many ocaisions and having the really weird feeling that he was sitting in the house alone – it almost felt as if I was watching him through the window but I was actually right next to him. It was a horrible empty feeling.
I also experienced his complete detachment when I was attacked by a goose one day. It was very painful and I was screaming at him to help me. He just stood and looked at me as if he was watching the TV – there was absolutely no reaction. That’s when the alarm bells started ringing.
Swallow
really curious, everyone.
it occurred to me last night that my ex s/p has NEVER lived alone in his entire life (he’s 40). he moved from his mom’s house, to mine, then to live with the woman he married, then back to mine, now to his new gf. he has NEVER been on his own. probably because he wants everything done for him.
is it the experience of the rest of you that your s/p has never been on their own? is this a trait that is common to them all?
what say ye?
The Vacancy! Ah yes how true. I used to call it “emotional autism” before I understood what my ex was. Often though he would successfully use that blankness to convey strength and noblesse in times of stress etc. Nerves of steel, serious castagna’s etc.
* months into our final split and NC (after 27 yrs together) I am still discovering that the stress (usually extreme financial- live or die, oh my god what do we do stuff – that had to be discussed CONSTANTLY – at the expense of paying attention to our growing kids, at the expense of living the moment, at the expense of having any feeling of normalcy)
I am now thru much forensics finding that ALL THAT was manufactured for my consumption!. It wasn’t even real. So he had me off base, fearful, dependant, trying to boost HIM UP, standing by my MAN, etc. and was afforded the luxury of looking like the STRONG one, when in fact the crisis itself was manufactured and illusory. And he would just watch. Very flat, stone faced, no emotion as I twisted in the wind.
What a twisted way to get your kicks, but I have to realize that it obviously gave him pleasure. It took a long time but I finally saw the light (or lack of it in him), I finally realized why his ex wife used to have nervous breakdowns, I finally realized why he appeared like a ROCK. But he passed it off very successfully as STRENGTH, supreme self confidence, unshakable optimism in his ability to turn the future around etc, while presenting me with a false reality that only got steadily worse- with brief manic – all is well now intervals. Phew.
I find it interesting how our conviction and belief in the everlasting one and only true love will allow us to paper over all these kinds of disturbing aberations in behavior. But that was then and this is now.
And to Lost in Grief, in my case he also never lived alone. Plus it turns out I was not even the right gender. Just an extremely useful prop.
Others see him still as the rock-tho many know he is a slippery one-he is trying to have the duality right now of being totally broke (at 67 ) and an incredible businessman and deal maker at the same time. And it WORKS. His flat vacant presentation of his poor me story comes off like dignity,unflappable calm.
Peace to all
And
I always felt that my ex sociopath was a calm laid back guy. It never worried me. Until I was abondoned and he was leaving me whom he claimed his love for, and his unborn son. I was crying, in crisis, and terribly upset. He, on the otherhand, maintained his calm, laid back style. He was not upset at all. I read that “it is not really what the sociopath does that is so disturbing. It is how they do it.”
Lost
The alone s/p is a depressed s/p indeed. They are terribly addicted to supply, that they can go into deep depressions when it is totally gone. As much as they despise their addiction to supply and the supply itself, they desparetly need it to maintain their false inflated self.
My psycho stated outright he couldn’t stand to be alone- hated it. And no, he is not alone ever.When forced, he said he ‘d sleep with a weapon. So what are we, the victims, proxy weapons? Protectors…or props, a un makes them feel strong?
Although my ex P had a string of misdeamenors and one felony theft, I really think the criminal part of it is the least telling of his disorder. His behavior and attitudes extended to ALL areas of his life, not just criminal stuff. He could do harmful things to all sorts of people and was totally indifferent, like he really didn’t care or even understand they WERE harmful–like some aspect of it just went right over his head and he didn’t get it at all why it was even a problem for someone. But, on the other hand, he also sometimes deliberately did things and interacted with people in a manner with the deliberate intent of being harmful, although not necessarily criminal, and he got off on it, and it seemed to light up his world.
I do think it is possible to be diagnosed aspd and not be a sociopath, but just a criminal who still has a conscience or can feel empathy or remorse. The DSM, to me anyway, only captures part of the disorder.
On the Ted in the article above, however, I’m sitting here thinkng ya might want to get some of his women’s stories before thinking he doesn’t enjoy hurting women etc. I mean, if he were a soiopath, it isn’t likely he would even view harmful things he did as even being harmful, IMO, anyways. His ex-girlfriends might see things far differently.
And if Ted is not driven to be cruel and harmful to women, then why is he doing it? He keeps losing jobs because of it, so obviously he must be doing something pretty bad in aggressing towards women and getting some sort of pleasure out of it. You say he knows if he watches a woman undress, he realizes she is going to be upset etc. How the heck is this NOT intentional and malicious and not getting a perverse pleasure out of what he is doing to the women and the feelings of discomfort and personal violations he is causing by intruding on them sexually. Just because he SAYS he doesn’t get some sort of malicious thrill out of it, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t. Maybe I need an extra cup of coffee, but I don’t exactly follow your line of reasoning.
I think psychos want us to believe they’re JUST perverts driven by lust- but remember it’s control and power. It’s a “kick” to peep in on someone unawares. It is very hard to catch, and I only “got” what my psycho did after-the-fact- though I did call him on one stunt right away. And he acted….like a “dumb bunny.” Huh?
I was privy-unbeknowst to him- to his conversations with others,he knew what was up and in the end wanted to KILL ME…though he’d have me and all around believe he was just emotionally stunted.
Jen2008, regarding your reservations: yes, he intentionally puts these women at risk of feeling uncomfortable. This is obvious. And certainly an aspect of his pleasure may stem from seeing their reactions. But peeping-toms, for instance, don’t always need to be “caught” in the act to feel satisfied with an illicit, invasive look. I think my client prefers to escape detection. Unconsciously does he wish to be seen, and caught? Perhaps. And yes, of course there is exploitation, quite gross exploitation involved here, that’s why I wrote about it. My point is that I believe his primary satisfaction derives less from a sadistic motive to hurt and violate (and yes, he’s being violating, detected or not), than in successfully gratifying his urge to see, and take, what he wants to see and take. This is one aspect of sociopathy–the perspective that I will take what I want from someone, however underhandedly and violatingly. Another aspect of sociopathy–and in this case, Ted’s, lies in what I suggest is his impoverished appreciation and empathy for the trauma that his impulsive, recklessly sought gratification risks causing the women (to him, “objects”) from whom he steals his gratification.