Sociopaths have been described in many ways that, at least, from time to time, might describe some of the rest of us: As glib, manipulative, exploitative, superficial; as seeing and relating to others as objects rather than persons.
Sociopaths, in other words, don’t have a patent on these qualities. You can be a nonsociopath and be glib and superficial. You can be a nonsociopath and be a constitutional bullshitter and sometimes manipulator: Just go visit the used-car salesmen at your local dealership, and see for yourself (sure, some of them may be sociopaths, but not most).
Naturally, when you begin to combine these qualities—especially adding “exploitative” to the mix—and identify them as an individual’s default style of interaction, you’ve entered potentially sociopathic terrain.
In my experience, I’ve found other qualities—but also not in isolation—to be somewhat distinctively suggestive of sociopathy. One—the quality of emotional vacancy—really captures my attention when I observe or experience it.
I’m working clinically, at present, with two male individuals, Allen, 20, who already has a long legal rap sheet (minor criminal violations), while the other, Ted, 31, has no arrest history, but has been fired from various jobs for leaving a string of female colleagues and customers troubled by his sexually invasive behaviors.
Allen has diagnoses in the system as an antisocial personality with a probable earlier diagnosis of conduct disorder. Yet he is not, I’m quite confident, a sociopath.
Conversely, Ted has had no significant mental health diagnoses I’m aware of, yet I suspect he has a touch, if not more than a touch, of sociopathy in his personality. (I suggested this to a team of providers involved with Ted, who hadn’t considered it but were disarmed and intrigued by it.)
What is it about Ted that got me thinking along the lines of sociopathy?
Yes, he is socially facile—gregarious, glib, a schmoozer, described by others as “outgoing.” But while relevant, let’s be honest: this (alone) could describe a fourth of the population.
But what further raised my eyebrows was Ted’s reaction to his pattern of leaving women feeling disturbed by his aggression—specifically, he makes excuses, rationalizes his behaviors; consistently denies and/or minimizes his actions; and tellingly, conveys no empathy for the experience of the women.
His concern, in other words, begins and ends with how these incidents will impact his subsequent employablility; there isn’t the remotest (genuine) interest in his effect on his victims.
This is one aspect of the emotional vacancy—expressed in this instance as a lack of empathy—that I suggest can signal possible sociopathy.
Ted, incidentally, is not cruel, or driven to hurt others. He insists he doesn’t “get off” on leaving women feeling uncomfortable and threatened, and I tend to believe him.
His sociopathic quality, if I’m right, is reflected less in an intentionally hurtful agenda than in his emotional indifference to the unintentional hurt he inflicts in the self-centered pursuit of his momentary needs.
Ted is more impulsive than calculating, more thoughtless than scheming. He sees a woman undressing, for instance, in a dressingroom and he wants a view. He knows intellectually that it’s the wrong thing to do. But he wants the view.
He knows that if the woman sees him peering in on her, she will be upset. As I said, he doesn’t relish, it seems, the idea of upsetting her so much as he cares too little about her discomfort, her sense of violation, to deter him from taking what he wants—a view of her.
There is a second aspect of Ted’s emotional vacancy that I find possibly indicative of sociopathy: When I’m with him (unlike my experience with Allen) I feel that I am not really there for him. Yes, he is inquisitive, wants to know how I’m doing, what’s up with this and that? He schmoozes, as I’ve said.
But it’s a bit like the experience you might have with a politician who, trolling the crowd, looks you in the eye and asks questions of interest and shakes your hand, but all the while you feel like he’s really looking through you, or beyond you, to the next hand he’s waiting to shake, the next vote he’s canvassing. You feel that a second later he will have blotted out the memory of the interaction and, on parting, you.
I have this experience of Ted—nothing malicious-intended. He’s not taking anything tangible from me. Just that, in my interactions with him, I somehow don’t feel completely real”¦to him.
Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Swallow: I actually met another s/p BPD (she was in a therapy group and the THERAPIST warned us, how about that), and I told her about my experience and she actually said, “If you want to get even…get better!” So if one of their own says that’s the way to go then its got to be right. I’m trying to move on.
I met my current husband when I was homeless, after leaving my ex. Everything happened in very quick succession. Truthfully, I am alive becaue of my husband. When no one else believed me, my now husband (who was a perfect stranger when I met him) saw right through everything. Even when my parents weren’t sure they could believe what I was telling, even though he stole from them, my husband did. He worked with me and my doctors (once they realized they were wrong and took me off all my medications) That like never happens!
I need to focus on him. My husband is sooooo far from perfect (that’s WHY I know he’s normal) Now I know what a marriage is really supposed to be like. If it weren’t for my husband, I would have never known what a loving touch really feels like. However, there are alot of aspects with my ex s/p that I have not dealt with. In fact it appears that my ex s/p ‘s marriage has unearthed things that I didn’t know was there.
I actually thought I was way farther in to my recovery than I really am. I am actually surprised at myself. What should I do now?
Kat: I fear for that exact scenario. I guess I am in a sort of crisis, emotionally. I have a business and I come off very controlled and in charge in my work. But I am spiraling a bit in my personal life. I joined the LF mailing list at least a year ago, maybe even longer. It is only now, however, that I have started writing. I have this need to …purge? It is as if I had all of this…stuff bottled up. Over the past week I have been really reading everyone’s bloggs…and now…now everything is starting to roll. I want to control what is happening to me. Here at LF, I feel a different sort of relief. I hold back my feelings because I don’t want to wear out my husband. In fact, my husband often asks me to talk and I hold back. My husband helps me to feel loved, and safe, but LF is aiding me with my freedom. I am looking to everyone’s experience to help me past this stage.
wini no I dont’ think donna posted The Vacancy of A Sociopath out of boredom——lol you crack me up some time – you just ‘really’ want all of us to get it and stop hurting – dont ya? I am getting there Wini – your post and too the point comment’s have helped. I think it’s like coming out of a coma – and we ask “how long was I gone?” I don’t have a broken heart “anymore” just a feeling of “why did I let him do that?” I don’t think we will ever “get over it” just get past it – time is the best cure for getting on with life – TIME one day at a time – you rock wini
Hi Henry: I’m glad you found the humor in what I wrote. I do think about how serious I get some times … the Oxy thing of thumping people in the heads with the frying pans.
I’m glad to hear that your healing is progressing. We’re like AA, constantly healing … work in progress.
I’m also glad to hear your sense of humor has come back. I’ve said that many times in the past blogs, my humor is what I missed the most.
I was watching TV tonight … Dr. Stone figuring out there may be a missing gene in them. I’m rooting for science … but I know that how we think does do something to our chemical balance. Think positively, and you’re balance is of harmony. Think negatively, and there is a bitterness, a hardness to your core. Science and God, God and Science. Bless them both. Even scientist of the world believe in the creator.
Yes, Henry, I do try to get people to open there eyes. I know the pain all to well. I want people to be happy again. I know they can make it … because I made it through the abyss and I’m happy again (for the most part). I have my ups and downs to … the waffling. As soon as I think of my EX or my former bosses and those cronies of there’s … I kick myself in the butt, give myself a pep talk … go on-line or pick up my Bible, read scripture (there are a zillion religious sites on the Net) write them … they will pray for you … sign up for their announcements. They come in weekly or daily. They’re nice reminders of the positivity of God. Keeps me focused on what is good in our world … and not focus on them (the bad folks).
So anyway Henry – how’s your puppy doodles? I love dogs. Actually, I love animals … cats, birds, ducks, you name the animal, I love them. Unconditional love at it’s best. That’s why God created animals you know … so human’s could be loved unconditionally … also, to get off your butt and exercise … taking them for a walk (LOL). Just kidden.
Peace.
wini My puppy doodles are just rotten – they have me trained very well – they are my little family. Something upset me this evening so I loaded up the dog’s and we took a drive to my Hill and looked at the moon and talked to the stars. They had a good time peeing on everything…..I wish I didn’t need someone so much right now. I had been single 20 years before (M) and I think I was ok then. But now I miss or yearn for a real relationship – I know I have alot to offer – and who know’s what the future holds – But who ever and where ever he is he (Must LOve Dogs)
Henry: I know, I know. We want that special someone to share our lives. Believe me, I know how you feel. Right now, enjoy who you are again. I say this so you don’t focus on finding someone. Ask God to bring the right person into your life. Pray that God does this for you. He’ll listen. After you pray to God and thank God for everything that you are … tell God you want him to handle your life for you. He’ll do as you ask. Also, make sure you ask God that they right partner for you also believes in him (God). That was my mistake. I asked God to bring me a partner I could love. Well, I got exactly what I asked for … not knowing I was suppose to say “oh, by the way God, I want that person not only to love you, but to be able to love me too). Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa. That’s what my grandmother used to say when I was a kid “Wini, be careful for what you ask for, you just may get it”. So, i got a man to love … he just didn’t love me back … only pretended to love me.
Did I tell you about Huey, Dewey and Louie? My 3 kittens. Feral kittens that I have in my house (I’m the stop over before they get adopted (LOL – fat chance, I’ve said that before and I never give them up, they just get incorporated in with my gang). Well, Henry (my latest kitten … the black and white kitten about a year old) is having a field day with the 3 little stooges. They are so funny … watching them romp around and play all day. They do the craziest things. I really should video them … goofballs … all 4 of them.
Back to what I was saying. Ask God to be there for you while you heal. Ask God for the perfect person to come into your life, that will love you and share your life with you … not take advantage of you – wants to be there for you, love and care for you as you him … and God will provide. In his time Henry … not yours. So, stop looking. Just live your life and give it over to God … focus on what you are all about now … what you want to do … and when you no longer crave for that perfect person and you are just living and enjoying your life again … whalla …. your perfect person will appear in your life. God is just waiting until you are ready.
Peace.
Starlight,
I do understand that there are a lot of issues that you have buried – probably because they were too painful to confront in the past. Hearing about the P will bring it all bubbling to the surface again, so it is good that you try and work your way through those things so that you can finally be FREE.
We all struggle from time to time with the horrors of the past and I hate to think that someone so despicable could spoil the time you have with a good man. Your husband sounds a lovely guy.
Take care,
Swallow
Swallow, well said what you wrote to Starlight.
Starlight … focus on loving your husband, even though you may feel strange at first and heartbroken over the lies of your EX fling … the more you focus on loving and respecting your husband, the more it becomes your reality … then sooner than you would think, you’ll forget the lie and live the truth with a loving man at your side.
Peace.
Swallow and Wini: I figured out that in some ways I have become addicted to the pain. I don’t know when that happend. With my ex, I could never succeed…he wouldn’t allow that. Plan after plan, failure after failure. I was always trying to figure out which shoe would drop next. Think of every scenario as to what could go wrong and try to have a contingency plan. And now with my husband, I am succeeding. Nothing is hidden, there are no lies. He is not constantly saying your beautiful, while everything goes to hell. And so I admit now…I am afraid to live, to have happiness, and work through struggles. My eyes are tearing while I write this.
The bible talks about how an unwise woman can tear down own home with her very own hands. I don’t want to be that woman. I am struggling with having the courage to heal. But I really want to. I look forward to forgetting the lie (it feels far away). I’m not there yet, but I am trying. Thank you very much for responding to my post. It makes me feel that I really others who care. Once again, thanks.
Starlight: Don’t get paranoid over all you’ve been through. It’s natural to feel that way … but time does heal all wounds …. or is that time wounds heals (LOL). Only kidding. Seriously, what you are experiencing, as we all have, is post traumatic stress. That’s OK too. Just be good to yourself. Little by little, the truth is working it all out for you.
Personally, I can’t wait until I never think of any of what happened to me ever again. I wonder if that’s why some people get alzheimer’s … pain was too great, couldn’t work it all out on their own… mind naturally goes into a “no zone space”.
Seriously, time will heal your wounds. Just keep focusing on right now in your life, what you are all about … and dream about your future, what you want. Anytime you fall back and start thinking about him … try and stop. Say, this is not healthy for my mental well being … so let’s hurry up and think of something else. Maybe that will work and maybe it won’t. At least you made a conscious effort to stop it … and that is half the battle. Consciously realizing that we need to stop ourselves from hurting ourselves. And don’t blame yourself for them, they have been doing this for years and refining their techniques. Meaning the have ulterior motives for their survival in this world … and we don’t. I can’t imagine having ulterior motives for every breath I take. Give me a break here … will ya with these characters. And characters they are. Stooges, a zillion stooges of the world.
P.S. I would not trade places with any of them for any amount of time, ever. I like my life, even though its not what I planned … I’m just making lemonade out of lemons … playing the cards I was dealt … but I like myself and I can sleep well at night, never looking over my shoulders or having a history of hurting others.
When I get to the pearly gates and St. Peter tells me “Wini come on in, you did it right”. That’s all I need to know.
Peace.
Everyone … enjoy your life. You only have this one chance to live it. Life is a learning lesson, our spirits learning and living a human existence. Yes, yes, yes, we didn’t ask for this, but it happened … accept it … work it out of your minds … take the time to do so … be good to yourself … and little by little you’ll come out of this tailspin they put you in. Then, rejoice and enjoy each and every single day of your life. You deserve it. We all deserve that. Life isn’t about material possessions or money or power. It’s about who we meet, enjoying each others company, being true to ourselves … and enjoying our walk down the path of life. So, we got side tracked and pushed off the path … we can brush off our hands and knees and get back on that path. It’s not in winning any race, its that we got on the path in the first place and put one foot in front of the other – in style. So smile, it’s contagious.
Peace.