Sociopaths have been described in many ways that, at least, from time to time, might describe some of the rest of us: As glib, manipulative, exploitative, superficial; as seeing and relating to others as objects rather than persons.
Sociopaths, in other words, don’t have a patent on these qualities. You can be a nonsociopath and be glib and superficial. You can be a nonsociopath and be a constitutional bullshitter and sometimes manipulator: Just go visit the used-car salesmen at your local dealership, and see for yourself (sure, some of them may be sociopaths, but not most).
Naturally, when you begin to combine these qualities—especially adding “exploitative” to the mix—and identify them as an individual’s default style of interaction, you’ve entered potentially sociopathic terrain.
In my experience, I’ve found other qualities—but also not in isolation—to be somewhat distinctively suggestive of sociopathy. One—the quality of emotional vacancy—really captures my attention when I observe or experience it.
I’m working clinically, at present, with two male individuals, Allen, 20, who already has a long legal rap sheet (minor criminal violations), while the other, Ted, 31, has no arrest history, but has been fired from various jobs for leaving a string of female colleagues and customers troubled by his sexually invasive behaviors.
Allen has diagnoses in the system as an antisocial personality with a probable earlier diagnosis of conduct disorder. Yet he is not, I’m quite confident, a sociopath.
Conversely, Ted has had no significant mental health diagnoses I’m aware of, yet I suspect he has a touch, if not more than a touch, of sociopathy in his personality. (I suggested this to a team of providers involved with Ted, who hadn’t considered it but were disarmed and intrigued by it.)
What is it about Ted that got me thinking along the lines of sociopathy?
Yes, he is socially facile—gregarious, glib, a schmoozer, described by others as “outgoing.” But while relevant, let’s be honest: this (alone) could describe a fourth of the population.
But what further raised my eyebrows was Ted’s reaction to his pattern of leaving women feeling disturbed by his aggression—specifically, he makes excuses, rationalizes his behaviors; consistently denies and/or minimizes his actions; and tellingly, conveys no empathy for the experience of the women.
His concern, in other words, begins and ends with how these incidents will impact his subsequent employablility; there isn’t the remotest (genuine) interest in his effect on his victims.
This is one aspect of the emotional vacancy—expressed in this instance as a lack of empathy—that I suggest can signal possible sociopathy.
Ted, incidentally, is not cruel, or driven to hurt others. He insists he doesn’t “get off” on leaving women feeling uncomfortable and threatened, and I tend to believe him.
His sociopathic quality, if I’m right, is reflected less in an intentionally hurtful agenda than in his emotional indifference to the unintentional hurt he inflicts in the self-centered pursuit of his momentary needs.
Ted is more impulsive than calculating, more thoughtless than scheming. He sees a woman undressing, for instance, in a dressingroom and he wants a view. He knows intellectually that it’s the wrong thing to do. But he wants the view.
He knows that if the woman sees him peering in on her, she will be upset. As I said, he doesn’t relish, it seems, the idea of upsetting her so much as he cares too little about her discomfort, her sense of violation, to deter him from taking what he wants—a view of her.
There is a second aspect of Ted’s emotional vacancy that I find possibly indicative of sociopathy: When I’m with him (unlike my experience with Allen) I feel that I am not really there for him. Yes, he is inquisitive, wants to know how I’m doing, what’s up with this and that? He schmoozes, as I’ve said.
But it’s a bit like the experience you might have with a politician who, trolling the crowd, looks you in the eye and asks questions of interest and shakes your hand, but all the while you feel like he’s really looking through you, or beyond you, to the next hand he’s waiting to shake, the next vote he’s canvassing. You feel that a second later he will have blotted out the memory of the interaction and, on parting, you.
I have this experience of Ted—nothing malicious-intended. He’s not taking anything tangible from me. Just that, in my interactions with him, I somehow don’t feel completely real”¦to him.
Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I, too, feel so grateful for my LF family–the most intelligent and insightful folks on the internet IMO. No, I’m not flattering you all because I’m trying to hook you in………lol!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone! I am sort of reflective tonight, sitting here in my home, warm and comfy with my fuzzy slippers on, carols playing softly in the back ground, my sons asleep.
Thinking about last year when just a few days before Christmas I brought the RV back to the farm, but still didn’t feel comfortable in the house yet, so stayed there another six months. Now I am comfortable in my home, that has so many many wonderful memories attached here.
I think just how blessed I am, and how comfortable in my own skin now, a P-free Christmas, a quiet one, but yet a very comfortable and enjoyable one. Went to a “family” breakfast my friend gives on Christmas eve morning and ate myself silly, and enjoyed the fellowship of a wonderful friend and her large family.
We opened our few presents tonight, small things, but carefully picked, and each gift made a “hit” because it was chosen with love. We hugged a lot, and laughed a lot, at silly puns mostly (someone got my son C a book of puns years ago and I think he memorized it) LOL
What a wonderful holiday it was!
You guys have all contributed to my healing, even the ones who have come in recently, because if nothing else, you have given me reason to think about things that I need to reinforce in myself. Healing is a process and a journey, not a destination. It is a renewal and a rebirth, a growing up again, and learning what we missed. Thank you all for sharing my journey, and peace for you in your own journeys. You are AWESOME folks and though I will probably never see your faces, please know that there is an old woman in Arkansas who loves you very much and prays for you daily! (((HUGS))))
You sound so peaceful Oxy. I can see your fuzzy slippers in my mind.
:o)
Dear Aloha,
“We’ve come a long way, baby!” haven’t we in this last year! It’s been a roller coaster ride, but I do feel the peace and the quiet joy. I just can’t remember when I have felt so peaceful and so content. I’m not problem free by a long shot, Mom is sending money to the P-son, and that will have to be thought about and see if we can do a little manipulating to put a stop to that–not sure how, but just not worrying about it today. Today if for peace, joy, love and quiet reflection.
I’ve been thinking back over the good times in the past, when the kids were little and their eyes lit up when they opened their gifts, or just looked at the tree in wonder as children will do. Or the time son C about 14 months old on his first christmas turned over on his little tiny rocking horse and bumped his head. LOL Or the time the cut each other’s hair about 2 days before Christmas and all the pictures had this “finger in a light socket” look!
Or the time in 1983 when we drove back from San Diego to Arkansas in a horrible snow storm with 1000s of cars in the ditches and made it safely (I HATE TO DRIVE ON ICE & SNOW) and my mom asked how we made it and one of the kids said “Mom was in the front a’cussin’ and we were in the back praying!” LOL What a white knuckle trip! 46 hours with 6 hours sleep in the car parked behind a truck stop. No hotel roooms available.
And the time my grandmother dropped the pumpkin pie upside down in the floor and actually said a “bad word” LOL
Yes, peaceful reflection, contentment, and a feeling of warmth and security I haven’t had in a long time. Just knowing my “babies” (now 39 and 31) are asleep in the house, “snuggled up in their beds with visions of sugar plums in their heads” and that they are also peaceful too makes this a very very special holiday for us all.
Goodnight to you, Aloha! You are a special person who has a special place in my heart. Your wisdom and your strength and determination, your willingness to work hard, and your obvious caring heart and sharp brain are all things you have a right to be proud of.
Goodnite!
OXY! You mad me laugh and you made me cry… with just a few lines! What funny stories! And what a gift you have given me with your generous sentiments!
Today, I am spending the day with one of the girls at the Group Home. She has no where to go, or should I say, no where she wants to go. My Boss asked me specifically because she knew I would make the effort to make it a great day. Right now… she is sleeping in the house and I can only wait another hour until I am going to shout, MERRY CHRISTMAS! I am taking her to the beach… also, I told the boss… you have to give me money to take her WHEREVER I WANT! NO RULES! Give me the freedom to make this a great day for this little lady. I love my little ladies. :o)
And I love all my LF people too.
Merry Merry Christmas!
P.S. Out of my $17,000+ debts from my Tropical Debacle… I only have $2500 left to go!
Dear Aloha,
I am SO PROUD of you! I know you have worked hard to get your debts paid up! We will have a cyber-celebration here at LF when you pain the last one, so let us know! I am one of those debt-haters, and I guess I have my grandparent’s “depression era mentality.” My kids used ot tease me and my husband because his motto was “spend, spend, for tomorrow we may die.” The kids teased that my motto was “save save for tomorrow we may LIVE” Fortunately, we worked out a compromise we could both live with!
It is odd, I noticed several years ago that I have no trouble spending money on other people, but I have a BIG problem spending money on ME…I’ve been reading another book (big suprise LOL) and it is about coming from a family with controling parents, and about how some kids who have been neglected or abused grow up and neglect themselves, their health, etc. and I realized that although I like to be “thrifty” I take it to extremes where I am concerned. So, that is something I am going to work on this year for myself. I’m not going to go “hog wild” spending, or buy something at a place I could get it cheaper elsewhere, but I will do something really nice for myself this year…not sure what, but something.
I think you spending the day with your friend from the group home and taking her to the beach is a great thing for you both! Are you still working there?
I’m going bonkers being inside so much because we’ve had horrible (normal) weather lately, but hopefully it will be nice for a few days. Yesterday was warmer than it has been, but today is supposed to start flooding rains. Oh, Joy! LOL
Have a good time. I got a horrible sun burn on Christmas day once on the Indian Ocean in summer there when we were in South Africa. I spent a week in a hotel room dressed in Noxzema (which was all I had available). And now I have the liver spots and wrinkles to prove all of my prior sunburns, so it is now SPF 45 and hats and long sleeves 365 days a year, but too late to repair it all, just hope I don’t get another (or more serious) skin cancer so I PREACH sun screen and hats to everyone! Might as well be talking to a psychopath mostly though as no one that is young ever thinks they will be old and wrinkled. My mom listened to her mother and still at 79 has “baby butt” skin on her face, smooth, white and wrinkle free. I didn’t realize until I started working with many elderly people and saw their skin where the sun had never touched them and it was always smooth and nice, but where the sun had hit them, it was wrinkled and spotted. I SHOULDA LISTENED. Too soon old and TOO LATE SMART! That should be my mantra! LOL
Merry Christmas and Happy and P-FREE New Year!!!! May all your REAL DREAMS come true! ((((hugs))))
I think there are more psychopaths in my country as men are groomed and rewarded for becoming psychopaths in my culture.
Dear Tilly,
Men in every culture, I think, are somewhat rewarded by psychopathic type behavior and aggression. Some religious views even endorse “control” and even almost “ownership” of the wife and children who are not considered equal with the male.
What is your country, if you are not afraid to say?
I’m an Aussie, and we celebrate the sexist, drunken, yobbo. Although, our country is not our country anymore and their is racism bubbling under the surface everywhere. Scratch an aussie, scratch a racist. Inevitable war, not long off. Multi cultural is a big farce over here.
Tilly:
“men are groomed and rewarded for becoming psychopaths in my culture”.
I am shocked! I have always Loved Australian men.
Hugh Jackman, Keith Urban…MEOW!!