Sociopaths have been described in many ways that, at least, from time to time, might describe some of the rest of us: As glib, manipulative, exploitative, superficial; as seeing and relating to others as objects rather than persons.
Sociopaths, in other words, don’t have a patent on these qualities. You can be a nonsociopath and be glib and superficial. You can be a nonsociopath and be a constitutional bullshitter and sometimes manipulator: Just go visit the used-car salesmen at your local dealership, and see for yourself (sure, some of them may be sociopaths, but not most).
Naturally, when you begin to combine these qualities—especially adding “exploitative” to the mix—and identify them as an individual’s default style of interaction, you’ve entered potentially sociopathic terrain.
In my experience, I’ve found other qualities—but also not in isolation—to be somewhat distinctively suggestive of sociopathy. One—the quality of emotional vacancy—really captures my attention when I observe or experience it.
I’m working clinically, at present, with two male individuals, Allen, 20, who already has a long legal rap sheet (minor criminal violations), while the other, Ted, 31, has no arrest history, but has been fired from various jobs for leaving a string of female colleagues and customers troubled by his sexually invasive behaviors.
Allen has diagnoses in the system as an antisocial personality with a probable earlier diagnosis of conduct disorder. Yet he is not, I’m quite confident, a sociopath.
Conversely, Ted has had no significant mental health diagnoses I’m aware of, yet I suspect he has a touch, if not more than a touch, of sociopathy in his personality. (I suggested this to a team of providers involved with Ted, who hadn’t considered it but were disarmed and intrigued by it.)
What is it about Ted that got me thinking along the lines of sociopathy?
Yes, he is socially facile—gregarious, glib, a schmoozer, described by others as “outgoing.” But while relevant, let’s be honest: this (alone) could describe a fourth of the population.
But what further raised my eyebrows was Ted’s reaction to his pattern of leaving women feeling disturbed by his aggression—specifically, he makes excuses, rationalizes his behaviors; consistently denies and/or minimizes his actions; and tellingly, conveys no empathy for the experience of the women.
His concern, in other words, begins and ends with how these incidents will impact his subsequent employablility; there isn’t the remotest (genuine) interest in his effect on his victims.
This is one aspect of the emotional vacancy—expressed in this instance as a lack of empathy—that I suggest can signal possible sociopathy.
Ted, incidentally, is not cruel, or driven to hurt others. He insists he doesn’t “get off” on leaving women feeling uncomfortable and threatened, and I tend to believe him.
His sociopathic quality, if I’m right, is reflected less in an intentionally hurtful agenda than in his emotional indifference to the unintentional hurt he inflicts in the self-centered pursuit of his momentary needs.
Ted is more impulsive than calculating, more thoughtless than scheming. He sees a woman undressing, for instance, in a dressingroom and he wants a view. He knows intellectually that it’s the wrong thing to do. But he wants the view.
He knows that if the woman sees him peering in on her, she will be upset. As I said, he doesn’t relish, it seems, the idea of upsetting her so much as he cares too little about her discomfort, her sense of violation, to deter him from taking what he wants—a view of her.
There is a second aspect of Ted’s emotional vacancy that I find possibly indicative of sociopathy: When I’m with him (unlike my experience with Allen) I feel that I am not really there for him. Yes, he is inquisitive, wants to know how I’m doing, what’s up with this and that? He schmoozes, as I’ve said.
But it’s a bit like the experience you might have with a politician who, trolling the crowd, looks you in the eye and asks questions of interest and shakes your hand, but all the while you feel like he’s really looking through you, or beyond you, to the next hand he’s waiting to shake, the next vote he’s canvassing. You feel that a second later he will have blotted out the memory of the interaction and, on parting, you.
I have this experience of Ted—nothing malicious-intended. He’s not taking anything tangible from me. Just that, in my interactions with him, I somehow don’t feel completely real”¦to him.
Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Wini
Thank you so much for your suggestions. But in truth my “rage” is now completely gone and I no longer suffer from this part of the healing progress. Thank God! Being a Christian and man of God this part “was” very hard for me because it is a sin to hate anyone. I did all I could to understand and heal from it as quickly as possible. Again I thank God it is over and now am at peace with God and myself again. I know God knew of my personal suffering due to being hateful and having this “rage” and because of it God allow me to find the many people to help me heal grow and understand what it was that I was and still in some small way going thru. I know that without my personal belief system in place and my strong belief and trust in God. My healing would have taken much longer or might have never happened at all! So what else can I say but: praise be my Lord and Savior!!! And Thank him for his many many blessing!
[Iwonder: “interesting question! my ex told me his new gf was ’just like’ him. ’’she’s got style and she’s gorgeous and we think exactly alike.” ]
OMG! Do they all tell us that? My ex did the same to me! Telling me that her new b/f was just like her. I guess it is to just put more salt on the wound? Or do they really believe that? Or is it something they tell the new “soulmate” to hook them? Or all of the above? What is really interesting is how can they be like anyone else? When in fact they don’t have a core (real self) personality and take on other’s personality to suit themselves to impress or manipulate the new victim?
One word of encouragement is that when and after one learns of the red flags and how to spot a possible sociopath before they enter into your life. (huh? sounds like a good title to a book?) Is when you do tell them and educate them and inform them you know what they are up too. That LOOK on their face is always the same! It is the same “look” that you would see if you caught a animal like a deer in your car light beams and hit your brakes before running into them. And that animal eyes look at you frozen in time. Scare to death! That is what the look, looks like. It is always the same damn look! And how priceless that look is!
Dear James: All anti-social personalities come from a place of insecurity. Not knowing who they really are. Living from their egos instead of learning lessons of wisdom when making righteous choices in life. There is no checks or balances if someone is living in their ego.
There are no short cuts in life. You either do the work, learn from doing the work, gain wisdom from doing the work. Or you don’t. Anti-socials step on/jump over people to get what they want, when they want it, any time they want. There is no breaking mechanisms incorporated in growing from their egos. The only thing learned while living in one’s egos is that the majority of the time, they are not questioned and hence, pull off whatever it is they are doing. That’s why they become so blatant and ruthless doing what they do to others. They learn and refine their ego actions as they grow, saying, doing anything that they want. There is no remorse behind their actions, because their is no logic to their actions. It is chaotic manipulations conducted throughout their lives. If so, why would they take constructive time to categorize their behaviors? Their behaviors in their minds constantly going while unchecked. No rhyme or reason, just impulsively doing what they want, when they want, any time they want.
That’s why every culture has a righteous theology built into their customs. Parents choose to raise their children righteously because this form of child rearing allows the parents to view the progress of their children’s functioning as they age.
If a child views a reprimand from their ego, lessons are skipped due to the anger and frustration of the child. The child lies to the parental figure and if this lie isn’t questioned and believed as factual, the parent walks away satisfied that their child did what was instructed and the child walks away gloating that they got over on the parent. Not learning a lesson at the time of the request. If a child stays humble as they are reprimanded, their ego doesn’t come into play, the child does what is asked from the parental figure. The lessons of doing what was asked of the child is completed.
Not only does the child do the work of what was asked of them, they learned how to do the task, they acquired confidence while doing the task, learned why they needed to do the task (wisdom). There are many virtues learned while taking a righteous path in life. Whereas, what is learned by the child that lies and doesn’t do what is asked? They learned how to lie, they didn’t learn how to do the task, they didn’t gain confidence while doing the task, they didn’t learn wisdom of how to do the task.
Children, when they first learn to lie … do not/can not possibly know the overall ramifications of what will happen to their lives once they refuse to learn lessons that should be taught to them as children. They only know at that moment in time that they got away with not doing what was asked of them and receiving a reward for not doing and learning the lesson. As children, they can’t possibly realize they are starting down a road of self destruction , not only of their self esteem, but acquiring actual knowledge. They aren’t building their young life on a firm foundation. Their foundation of who they are now becoming is superficial and built on lies.
That’s why it is imperative that all adults (parents, aunts/uncles/neighbors/teachers and the school system/etc) surrounding children as they grow must insure (checks and balances) a child does what is asked and not take lip service (lies) from a child as being factual.
Of course, this is my theory by watching and analyzing anti-socials for 24 years. 80% of the workforce in my place of employment was that of some sort of anti-social personality. Of course these characters put all the wrenches in the wheels of progress at work. Only 10% of us where healthy and mature enough to do the actual work on a daily basis. The other 30% were also healthy and mature but ignored what was going on, did their work … said nothing, and tried to make it to retirement. These 30% were set up by the anti-social personalities 20 years before I started working there.
Peace.
James: I meant the other 20%, not 30%. Sorry, it’s late, I’m tired as I write this.
Blondie nice to see you here, hon. Yeah that same feeling keeps hitting me too… how can they just go on like nothing happened, go to sleep at night and not even worry about it. And the betrayal of trust.. oh boy honey do I hear you. I am so lonely sometimes I reach out to a man slightly, but when they try to talk to me or flirt a little I feel so cold and scared inside. Now I am like a stray cat, always outside, cold, hungry and wet, but too mistrustful to come in. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for me to every really trust somebody again.
Steve Becker said: “Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.”
Although my P could for very brief periods turn on the charm and smoothness, and he could con most everybody out of anything short term, but he was definitely not the kind that could carry it off for very long with anybody, if he was around them for long periods. (an attorney who handled stuff for his for over 15 years made the remark to me that he could be very charming but also very manipulative) But his mask showed signs of cracks almost immediately (and I’m talking within days of our meeting) but I had no idea how significant the things I was seeing were. He covered them back up and dazzled with bullshit–or actually it wasn’t even dazzling, it was more overwhelming–like a locomotive of bullshit barrage of talk and chaos coming at me . He was very sexual like most here have mentioned their socio being, very sensuous at first, but that shortly turned to “Debbie Does Dallas” sex and although he constantly talked about how I was everything he ever wanted blah blah, BUT his behavior and just other things he did and said were “odd” and didn’t line up to his words. I would say rather than charming he just talked so much bullshit that he confused me and everybody else he spent time with!
He was living in my place within WEEKS of meeting, not by discussion but just gradually there all the time. But in spite of all the “talk” of how special I was to him, even from the very beginning I recall feeling something amiss (but I thought it was me because I had only been divorced weeks when I met him). Something was off about his energy and although we were together 4 years, I never felt totally relaxed in his presence. That is not to say we didnt sometimes have good times together, but I always had this slight sense of unease, like something wasn’t quite right.
And within weeks he was also engaging in at first minor intimidations–later to become major ones– and pulling out all the stops with manipulations and guilt inducing putton bushing etc. The first time I tried to break it off with him was within 2 or 3 months and he let me know real fast he knew his LEGAL rights and I couldn’t make him move without formal eviction procedures. Then, he’d briefly turn the charm and charisma back on for a day or two. (not only did I not make him move, I let him con me into buying him a vehicle instead!) But overall I think he was sorely lacking in the ability to carry off any sort of charm and smoothness, except, like I said for very brief spurts, or only with those he had brief interactions with.
I think mine relied more on manipulations and intimidations (sublte and overt) to get what he wanted, than on charm, although like I said he could be very charismatic and charming for BRIEF periods.
I realize they are all different, and some are smoother and more charming than others, but I am always amazed when someone says they lived up close and personal with one, day in and day out for YEARS, and saw no major cracks in their mask, then were blindsided when they discovered stuff. I feel sometimes envious of that, because I don’t have that reason to explain my situation.
I can’t look back and say Oh, he treated me so special–although he did treat me like I was special at times and acted like he would simply die if he lost me, alternating with extreme cruelty, but his actions didn’t show he thought I was special–just a bunch of words. His actions also screamed no one else was special or important to him either, not even his children or parents, but I chose to overlook that, too. I think it was more a matter of me wanting to believe I was special to him, just because he said the words. I can’t say things were wonderful for so long, then I suddenly uncovered XYZ. All I can do is look back and go WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?
Hi OxDrover,
Thank you for your kind words and hugs! It has made my day!
Its his (The S) birthday today, and do you know what he’s not gonna get a card or even a text! I,ve told him the car is to go on a certain date in October – for scrap I suppose (I have no log book but it is registered with the DVLA at my address) – shame really it is a good car with a little bit of work it would be good. Still I just want it gone. The music equipment, this is the funny thing – I have been pricing stuff up on ebay and its worth hundreds and hundreds of pounds – here’s the rub – HE PAID FOR IT then only ever used it once or twice! I intend to sell it with some proceeds going to a charity we have over here called the Teenage Cancer Trust. That woud be good but in the letter to him I said it was also to go on 20 sept so not long! If he doesnt reply it willl be on sale on that day! I cant give him another chance. Someone on this blog a while back said that Sociopaths are scared of everything and the world in general, and I think that is true for him, if he is too scared to reply and collect his stuff, its going!
Hi Kat ,
we all need to be able to trust again, just remember that only 3% of the population have the S trait, and now you know what to look for, I dont think we would make the same error again, would we, have faith in yourself and your judgement, and you may bump into MrRight when you dont even expect it.
You guys have a way of really lifting the spirits of each other, thank you all , I will read all the entries since yesterday later when I have more time, so until then folks, please please have as good a day as you can manage, do stuff YOU really want to do, dont have to worry about THEM, they are on their own planet (PLANET ME) Gone on long enough, will be back later or tomorrow to put my “tuppenny-worth” (Quaint English phrase) on the blog and hopefully help others as you are helping me…..see ya’ll folks, off to get some sunshine (some hope!) at the coast, that always helps, how do you all relax and forget about your problems for a while, would be intereted to hear. Love to one and all, Anne.
Dear Mystic: Some socios may be scared of everything, but mine certainly wasn’t. He might “appear” to be scared or walking away from a situation, but it was only because he wanted to plot revenge for a later time when the person wouldn’t see it coming and he had the upperhand or advantage.
I admire those of you who go to court and fight for important things–like child custody issues for example. And in other issues, like what to do with their stuff, I understand it feels empowering to feel like you are taking action to make a point with the socio, but frankly, when it comes to some things, that are not important things, but more just to make a point, if you truly think your ex is a P, why take the risk?
My P was all about WINNING. He wasn’t gonna let anybody get over on him, ot take what he viewed was HIS. So what if he was inconveniencing them or being as ass, it was still HIS. The retribution might be immediate, OR it might be later on down the road, but rest assured retribution was coming in some form.
I realize they are not all violent, but how do you REALLY know that just because one doesn'[t have outward appearances of being violent, that he is not capable of it? How do you really know what lurks beneath the surface. How do you know they won’t harm you, or if not violent in that sense, won’t get even in more ways, ways that are far more harmful to you than the effort to mail them their stuff or have someone else just drive their car somewhere (to one of their relatives or something) and just leave it. I have to admit, you guys are braver than me.
My P also pretended to be scared of things, in fact he came across as a total coward at times. I believed it at first but I think now even that was acting. I’m sure he was capable of revenge and I do suspect him of knowing who or being involved with the murder of a woman here.
I’ve mentioned this to a few people but they think I’m paranoid and besides I cannot prove anything. Even though I am getting on with my life, I am still on my guard for when he creeps up on me, he’s tried it once but luckily I wasn’t there.
Most of our stories read like plots from a bad movie don’t they?!!!!!
Swallow