Sociopaths have been described in many ways that, at least, from time to time, might describe some of the rest of us: As glib, manipulative, exploitative, superficial; as seeing and relating to others as objects rather than persons.
Sociopaths, in other words, don’t have a patent on these qualities. You can be a nonsociopath and be glib and superficial. You can be a nonsociopath and be a constitutional bullshitter and sometimes manipulator: Just go visit the used-car salesmen at your local dealership, and see for yourself (sure, some of them may be sociopaths, but not most).
Naturally, when you begin to combine these qualities—especially adding “exploitative” to the mix—and identify them as an individual’s default style of interaction, you’ve entered potentially sociopathic terrain.
In my experience, I’ve found other qualities—but also not in isolation—to be somewhat distinctively suggestive of sociopathy. One—the quality of emotional vacancy—really captures my attention when I observe or experience it.
I’m working clinically, at present, with two male individuals, Allen, 20, who already has a long legal rap sheet (minor criminal violations), while the other, Ted, 31, has no arrest history, but has been fired from various jobs for leaving a string of female colleagues and customers troubled by his sexually invasive behaviors.
Allen has diagnoses in the system as an antisocial personality with a probable earlier diagnosis of conduct disorder. Yet he is not, I’m quite confident, a sociopath.
Conversely, Ted has had no significant mental health diagnoses I’m aware of, yet I suspect he has a touch, if not more than a touch, of sociopathy in his personality. (I suggested this to a team of providers involved with Ted, who hadn’t considered it but were disarmed and intrigued by it.)
What is it about Ted that got me thinking along the lines of sociopathy?
Yes, he is socially facile—gregarious, glib, a schmoozer, described by others as “outgoing.” But while relevant, let’s be honest: this (alone) could describe a fourth of the population.
But what further raised my eyebrows was Ted’s reaction to his pattern of leaving women feeling disturbed by his aggression—specifically, he makes excuses, rationalizes his behaviors; consistently denies and/or minimizes his actions; and tellingly, conveys no empathy for the experience of the women.
His concern, in other words, begins and ends with how these incidents will impact his subsequent employablility; there isn’t the remotest (genuine) interest in his effect on his victims.
This is one aspect of the emotional vacancy—expressed in this instance as a lack of empathy—that I suggest can signal possible sociopathy.
Ted, incidentally, is not cruel, or driven to hurt others. He insists he doesn’t “get off” on leaving women feeling uncomfortable and threatened, and I tend to believe him.
His sociopathic quality, if I’m right, is reflected less in an intentionally hurtful agenda than in his emotional indifference to the unintentional hurt he inflicts in the self-centered pursuit of his momentary needs.
Ted is more impulsive than calculating, more thoughtless than scheming. He sees a woman undressing, for instance, in a dressingroom and he wants a view. He knows intellectually that it’s the wrong thing to do. But he wants the view.
He knows that if the woman sees him peering in on her, she will be upset. As I said, he doesn’t relish, it seems, the idea of upsetting her so much as he cares too little about her discomfort, her sense of violation, to deter him from taking what he wants—a view of her.
There is a second aspect of Ted’s emotional vacancy that I find possibly indicative of sociopathy: When I’m with him (unlike my experience with Allen) I feel that I am not really there for him. Yes, he is inquisitive, wants to know how I’m doing, what’s up with this and that? He schmoozes, as I’ve said.
But it’s a bit like the experience you might have with a politician who, trolling the crowd, looks you in the eye and asks questions of interest and shakes your hand, but all the while you feel like he’s really looking through you, or beyond you, to the next hand he’s waiting to shake, the next vote he’s canvassing. You feel that a second later he will have blotted out the memory of the interaction and, on parting, you.
I have this experience of Ted—nothing malicious-intended. He’s not taking anything tangible from me. Just that, in my interactions with him, I somehow don’t feel completely real”¦to him.
Not all sociopaths are alike, we know that. And I’m certainly not suggesting that many sociopaths, at least for a while, can’t leave you feeling just the opposite—as special, as if you’re the only person in their universe.
But there are sociopathically-oriented individuals who don’t do this well—whose emotional emptiness and soulessness somehow rub off on, as if get transferred into you, leaving you (on the receiving end of the interaction) feeling vaguely as if something’s amiss, not whole, that something was, or is, missing.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2008 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Yes! I thought everyone loved my ex to nearly as much as I did. Especially my friends and family. A few of HIS former acquaintances dropped hints to me about his being “phony”, a “player” and one of his relatives once commented to me that “one day he’d learn that it took more than a smile to get him through life”. Of course, my ex explained to me how these people were just jealous of him because he had a woman like me that they themselves could NEVER have! He said they were just jealous of him! How’s that for not only a convincing explanation for their statements but also a wonderful compliment to me at the same time?!?!? They are truely a piece of work!
After he left, my friends and family came clean with how they really felt about him. Saying they thought he was the biggest flirt they’d ever met and the silliest, giggliest grown man they’d ever known. They spoke about his fakeness and some even described him as being “touched in the head”. Here in the South, that expression means mentally disturbed. And, did my female friends ever have some stories to tell of how he had came onto them and made them feel terribly uncomfortable even groping one of them and stalking another’s young daughter to the point that she thought she was going to have to press charges! When I asked why on earth they hadn’t told me of these things, they said that he always put on such a display of his great and wonderous love for me, that they didn’t think I would ever believe them. They ALL knew EXACTLY what he was capable of! Everyone seemed to know except me! Even some of HIS friends and family members told me that at first they thought that maybe he had finally found the right woman and had changed from the person he had always been they soon witnessed him right back at his game. They told me that he had treated every woman he had ever been with exactly the same in that he seemed to worship them when he was in their presence but once out of their sight, he turned into a totally different person. The gf he left me for believes that he’d never do these things to her. He’s told her she’s everything he’s ever wanted and that he has changed for her! Doesn’t seem to phase the poor girl that he told each and every one of us the same exact thing! She says he says he’s finally found his soulmate–but wait a minute–how could THAT be–he told me that I was his SOULMATE! LOL!
I thought she was gone for good, she still calls and hangs up on me, her ex boy friend that came to dinner with me and my ex girlfriend, had spoke about how she was seeing other men when we were married and him included, i have had no contact with her for well over 3 months she calls and hangs up she sends e mails, the scary thing about this is her ex says he knows how to deal with her, so no matter who she is with, these two are still with each other but wont get married ? i hope and pray they go away, My ex sp is 47 and the guy is in his 60’s and she told me we were Soulmates, when will this end ?
I’m sitting here writing this with a sick feeling in my stomach. I’ve written to Lovefraud before and now my daughter is realizing the full extent of her STBEH (soon to be ex husband). She finally left him on July 29, 2008, and we’re still finding the messes he’s created for her. He served time in prison for conspiracy but had convinced her that he was a good guy and was in the wrong place, wrong time. Despite our beggin, threatening, etc. she married him before he was sent to prison. He is now out and on parole, and she had his child while he was in prison (found out she was pregnant 3 weeks after he began his sentence). To make a really long story short, she realized that she didn’t love him and did leave (although it was with the clothes on her back and her son). We’ve found out that he basically took 225,000 dollars from her, forged her name to check after check after check. Unbelievably, he wants to fight for custody. He told the judge that he was broke and could only pay 400/mo child support—YET, he’s paying a motorcycle note for 483/mo., driving a Hummer, and living in a gated community. Her attorney says because he does most of his business in cash, she may not even get the 400/month child support. I’m so angry I could eat nails!!!! He has disposed of her mail, failed to give her info on where he lived (although she found out), etc etc etc. Is there ever going to be any peace? I didn’t realize that I could harbor such hatred for a human in my heart.
Dear Sharondenson,
I am so sorry that you and your daughter are going through such a horrible, frustrating, “crazymaking” time with the P and my thoughts are with you. I can only imagine how it hurts your daughter and how it hurts you to see her suffer. I AM so glad though that you are there for your daughter, she is very fortunate and I mean VERY fortunate that she has you to be there for her. So many of us (victims) don’t have that, sometimes don’t even have someone who believes us at all.
Sometimes it is “easier” to get them to “let go” of the child and not look for payments, even though your daughter is entitled to child support, he may make her “pay” in “blood and tears” for every dollar. I know it seems so “unfair” to let him “get away with” not paying for the child’s welfare, and I know it is difficult to be a single mother without child support, but It is also difficult to be a single mother without childsupport AND having to deal with this monster, who will demand this and demand that, and also will be in the child’s life, and using the child as a club to hurt your daughter and you.
Sometimes “losing the battle” (about child support) will WIN THE WAR (keep the P out of your, your daughter, and your grandchild’s life) It is obvious that your daughter’s P is a CRIMINAL one and will know the legal system, and will use ANYTHING AGAINST your family that his criminal mind can conceive. He cares nothing for the child, the child is just another tool or weapon to him.
My youngest biological son is a psychopath, and he would have done the same thing. He is a criminal, without remorse, and actually proud of how he outwits the “cops”–it sounds to me like your daughter’s STBEH is about as bad as my P-son.
Good luck and God bless you and your family, but do keep in mind that sometimes the “fight isn’t worth” it with them, as you will be compelled to “fight fair” and believe me they will not “fight fair” —they just want to WIN at any cost, and of course, t he cost of them winning will be borne by your family.
PS. ((((hugs)))))
Dear OxDrover,
Thank you for the encouragement. As horrible as this may sound, and I sure don’t wish it on anyone else, it really helps to know that someone has been through this, knows the emotional turmoil, and comes out on the other side. My rational mind tells me to let go, yet I find myself–in random moments–getting caught up in all of it again. My grandson is the love of my life. They are living with us now why she gets back on her feet (and she will). I thought it was an incredible moment the other night when she was talking to her father and me and put her head in her hands and said “I can’t believe how I’ve f*#&ed my life up. Although I hate that talk, I felt it was a that she needed to reach in order to start healing. My daughter told her attorney today that she is not waiting for the 2 attorneys to talk anymore because the P said he would drag it out (and it appears that that is what he is doing). She told him to set a court date ASAP. I just hope and pray that the courts see what this monster is. I sometimes think I should write a book about P’s like him just to warn others–and as they say, if it helps one person, then it’s worth it.
Tami, alot of personality disordered people use the same ‘hooking’ phrases and ‘you are my soulmate’ has to be one of the common ones. My ex said that to me, he also told me alot of baloney, like women with red cars are the sexiest, women with red hair are the best, bla bla bla. infact at the time he was telling me all this crap, I didnt believe him one bit – but I never let on.
Dear Sharondenson,
I hear your pain, and I hear your daughter’s pain too. I hope that she will come here to LF and read about psychopaths and learn and heal. This is the BEST site I have found out of many on the internet.
From personal experience and from working with others (I am a retired medical and mental health professional) I know that sometimes the best thing to do is “get off their radar” even if it means leaving with nothing but the clothes on your back, because they will use every legal and ILLEGAL means and lie and lie, to persecute you. They do not care about fairness, or doing what is right, they only care about hurting you at every opportunity. They frequently use children of a marriage or relationship as TOOLS to hurt the other parent.
Dr. Amy Castillo, a pediatrician, begged the courts not to let her x have UNSUPERVISED visitations with her children, because he had threatened to kill her three children to hurt her, but the courts made her let them see him unsupervised and he KILLED THEM to hurt her the first time he got them.
Look at the guy who posed as “Clark Rockefeller” who kidnapped his daughter FROM SUPERVISED visitation—and it now turns out that this phony is probably also a murderer 23 years ago. THE COURTS DON’T GET IT. They pretend that everyone is what they say they are, and they don’t look at the FACTS much of the time.
For what it is worth, my opinion is that if your daughter gets out alive, with a child that is alive, let him have the damned money as long as he will get out of their lives!
HOwever, she may need to use a few tricks of her own, like pretending the money is very important, but “if he will sign away any rights to the child then she will “let him win” about the money.”
If he knows that the child is worth more to her than the money, then he will use the child for black mail to get her to lighten up on the money, so she needs to play her cards close to her chest and make him think the money is the most important thing. Because whatever is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to you is what they will use as a club or tool to hold over your head.
I know there are parents on this web site that are dealing with custody, shared custody, and having the P see the kids, damage the kids, etc. and I hope some of them will chime in here and give you some advise. There is one woman, I know who is fighting her x husband about custody and feels strongly that he has molested the boy (a young child). We haven’t heard from her in a while, but I think she has a court appearance the last of this month. (sorry, I can’t remember her name–my short term memory is the pits!)
Also, please be aware that it may take your daughter a long time to fully get over this trauma with the P, but I am SO glad that she has you to be there for her. Help her be gentle with herself and not to “blame” and beat herself up. We all try to do that I think, because after the fact, it is so clear that we shouldn’t have had anything to do with them, but we HOPED that the “love” that they showed for us was REAL, we wanted so badly for it to be REAL that our vision and our judgment was clouded in a FOG that we could not see through.
Learning about what a psychopath is is very helpful to us all, and I consider you a victim as well, because he hurt your daughter and your grandchild. KNOWLEDGE=POWER, and we have to learn about them to learn how to “fight” them and recover our strength and our lives! They are the earthly personification of EVIL. They actually ENJOY hurting others. It is difficult to get your “head around” this, and will especially be for your daughter. She may need to talk incessantly about him too, and that is also a normal response to the trauma she has been through. I am just so thankful to God that she h as a mother like you who is THERE FOR her though this dark tunnel of healing, but there IS LIGHT at the end of that tunnel, but sometimes it takes us (victims) a long, hard, scary dark walk (or crawl) through that tunnel to the light.
wondering if you guys can give me advice on how to deal with PTSD? i think im starting to push people away bc iam afraid of my feelings. im afraid to be close with others. and anything that reminds me of the x, i run so far away.
It still irritates me that my second husband saw through my ex-bf immediately.. but then again he’s a pretty good judge of character..
I have been kind of glad to come to the decision that my second husband is not an S/P.. but he is still a drama king, an ex-alcoholic and pretty antisocial.. grrr little bit borderline mebbe
Blondie I always seem to be keeping pace with you.. I am so suspicious of everyone now.. but I decided to keep trying .. very very slowly, to date and make friends, and see if I can slowly recover myself.. still I don’t think I will ever regain my trusting nature.
Blondie, I read this and it brought back the hard memories of what happened to me: “One day you’re together and living your lives thinking you’re in love and have this bond with someone. Next day your life is completly washed away.” I totally understand that shock and pain you are feeling! I can tell you one thing… you are at the right place, this site, with these good people to help you out of this. It has helped me tremendously. Not a fast process to get over but reading and sharing here has made such a difference. Even recently, I posted my thoughts about revenge and how I never really confronted the S with the pain he caused me. But sure enough, trustworthy caring souls here, Wini, Oxdrover, James, lostingrief all stepped in with caring words and some sound wisdom! I took their words to heart. I sat and read and each word they shared helped me to make more sense of my feelings. We have to take the steps to be heard. Then we have to listen and allow them to sink in and to heal us. That is why I remain grateful for the site and those that help to reach out to us.
I can tell you all that today, I have none of those feelings that were eating me a few days ago. There is no point to write, to get justice, and God forbid, get even somehow. Let’s face it, it can’t be done! But I can forgive. So much is written at this site about forgiving. I see it is a personal journey to get to this point. When we finally get some of our self esteem back, when we begin to realize we are breathing calmly (after months of an awful nerve-wracking hypervilgence for me!) and feeling safe, and connected to those that care, we can then begin to really count our blessings. Blondie, I know it is not an easy time now to see this but it will happen and the feelings you have now will change and be replaced. I say this in faith and hope you can read this in faith too. The fact you are here and checking in tells me you will be able to grow from sharing here.
I once read about the French revolution and was fascinated. Then I read another book about the same subject and had an even better understanding about that time in history. That wasn’t enough. I went on to read several more books and each one added more and more to the picture I had in my mind of what happened leading up to, and after that dramatic time in history. You know, the same process of absorbing is at work here with my learning about sociopaths (and it has nothing to do with the monarchy, Marie Antoinette was actually a very caring mother of her children, Louis XVI although ill-equipped to be king was also a good father to his family). What I am saying though, is that it took a while to get an idea about the French revolution, and it similarly takes a while to learn about the heartless aliens among us that are often very camouflaged. It takes time and effort to get there.
The sociopath is a complicated subject too as we have discovered. Each book, each article we read brings the subject into better focus. (Even tomographical articles about brain science, the explanations for impulsiveness at a neural-chemical level are helpful to me.) I am glad I spent months reading and learning. My shattered dream of love turned into a laboratory project, my broken heart was revived by faith and by science! Knowledge is power (as OxDrover says above) and we owe it to ourselves to find a better understanding, after all we are WORTH it!
The oddest feeling I have now is HOW did I let it happen? I always read that we are “targeted.” I believe this is true. I was targeted and one of the first things he did was give me a phone(!) an extension to plug into my bedroom jack so he could call every night! I liked that kind of attention at first, but little did I know I was being targeted! I think back at all the creepy things he said, with eyes that were kind of weird, like not connected to a person. How did I just think this man had such great potential? I assumed his wealth made him a super achiever and that somehow he could be a little “off” and maybe that was ok because he had been in charge of such a large corporation. I was wrong. Running a company is not the same as having a heart. I feel I sold out to this guy in some way. But at the time, he was giving gifts and calling and so much flattery. The one day, boom, it is over.
I am learning good lessons… money, power, charm, accomplishment do not come close to love. Love is all, love is everything. My heart is healing, not just from this guy but from others in the past, a former lover that was (is) also very wealthy. I grew up near wealth and cater to wealthy clients in my profession. But wealth can be as hollow and as self-serving as a sociopath. I feel I have been given a new pair of eyes! And I am grateful.
I still don’t know exactly how it happened, how or why I was drawn into the S’s crazy web. But I know that from now on that I will score a lot higher on the IAST’s –(Identify An “S” Tests), or the CBAT’s (Cluster B Aptitude Tests). Keep reading everyone, and do your homework! It will be nice (and a relief finally) to give ourselves honorary degrees in this advanced field of study! Peace.
presseject