One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Steve, thank you for this explanation of a P’s revisionist history penchant. It truly enlightens me on a very troublesome and puzzling episode that occurred in the last throes of our “marriage” about three months before the final physcial abuse and my fleeing.
Out of the blue, my “empty suit” approached me, stuck his finger in my face (unusual), and unusually loudly proclaimed, “I know why you want me to leave. You are still in love with T…A….”
I had asked him two days before to give me some space, I was feeling smothered, and he wouldn’t comply. This was the first sentence he had uttered in those two days!!
To say I was shocked would be a gross understatement. T.A. was the last boyfriend (as a teenager) I had before meeting him. I hadn’t seen T.A. for over 48 years, yes 48 years!!! and his name had never been brought up during our “marriage” of 46.5 years! That he could even remember his name was shocking because he always claimed he had a poor memory – even though he had a high IQ – and I had believed him!
He just made the “out of the blue” statement and then left the house and all I felt then was gratitude for the peace of his absence. But, he didn’t stay out longer than two weeks at a time until the final
Months later I was to learn that he told our adult children and our neighbors that I had left him for an old boyfriend! To date, I have no idea if T.A. is even still alive!!
I think this story illustrates the content of your article, right? He had to bring up T.A. from MY history before him to protect his own ego?
At the time of the statement — and since — I have puzzled over why he didn’t ask me why I felt smothered and needed some space and why he felt inclined to make that false accusation instead. Your article enlightened me. THANKS!
… the final physical assault.
Bravo, Steve !!!
Yet another behavior I can relate to.
I worked with my husband for a few years before we got together. After we had been together awhile, he would always ask me if i had dated anyone else form work – a few guys in particular. I worked with about 105 drivers in my department but they all knew I was off limits and didn’t mess around. It would have been great fodder for gossip had any of those guys been with any of us young girls at the time.
We talked, laughed , joked around and worked -even went out for drinks sometimes. But we always went home alone.
My H never stopped asking all these years – and it did make me so uncomfortable. What I did reveal about a prior marriage or my past hurts has now been turned around and used against me and my family. I could never understand how he could take a most intimate/damaging event in my life and discuss it with the OW – who then used it to hurt me.
Utterly reprehensible!!!! And he continues it even now.
It is also amazing how little fights, disagreements or even the BIGGER ones are so blown out of proportion as to be MONUMENTAL on my part as to why the marriage failed.
He never understood that his lack of care, kindness and attention left me withdrawn and frustrated – even angry.
It was so obvious how much I gave – and he gave so little except words, promises and sex.
When I pleaded for attention, help, kindness- it was my fault I did too much trying to be a goody two shoes !!!!
It was always my fault and continues to be so.
And he is forever punishing me – even through the divorce.
Boy, Steve, you hit the nail on the head with this article!!! GREAT!!!
Actually, it got a smile and a chuckle out of me on this one, because I am finally at a stage where I can laugh (some) about this “revisionist” history stuff which they ALL seem to do.
One of the things I notice NOW that I didn’t “Pre-enlightenment” with people who have presented themselves as “victims” when in fact, they are CO-abusers with the psychopath who “bested” them in the relationship, and present themselves as “totally innocent” victims who could not possibly have prevented what happened to them OR could possibly help themselves now that they are destitute of finances, emotional support, etc.
The report to us how badly they have been abused by their previous abuser, and play on our pity as a “poor victim” and want us to rescue them. They give us this revisionist history of how the previous relationship was terribly abusive to them. Many times I have found myself in the past, falling for this pity play and persons pretending to be INNOCENT victims of a psychopath, who are in fact psersonality disordered themselves. Those people give REAL victims a “bad name” because theya re so convincing in their portrayal of “victimhood”—and frankly it is difficult to quickly tell the diference in REAL VICTIMS and in PSEUDO-victims who are themselves personality disordered and using the “pity play.”
I came up with an analogy recently about this type of disordered pseudo-victim.
PSEUDO-Victim: I can’t see, I need light.
Helper: turn on the light switch on the lamp then.
PSEUDO-Victim: I have tried to turn on the light 100 times in the past and I never get it to work. I am helpless to get light.
Helper: did you check the bulb?
PSEUDO-Victim: No bulb ever burns for me.
Helper: Did you see if the lamp was plugged in?
PSEUDO-victim: How am I supposed to know the lamp needed to be plugged in? I can never succeed at anything, the lamp is evil. I am not responsible for the lamp being evil. How could I have known?
Helper: Well, why don’t you plug in the lamp and see if it will give you light? If it doesn’t work, get another lamp.
PSEUDO-VICTIM: What’s the use, I asked you for light and all you give me are these suggestions I have tried 100 times before and they never worked. Everytime I tell someone about something I need, they respond just like you do, they never give it to me, everyone is out to get me, you’re just like the rest. I am a poor victim for whom no one cares. I can’t live without light and it is your fault I don’t have light, so therefore you are abusing me.
Mine would come home with some very personal information about me that he’d gleaned from my friends or aquantances. I was always amazed at how good he was at eeking out this information. Sometimes it wasn’t even true and I found it astounding that he found me so important that he had to discuss my business with everybody. Double function,here. He showed me that even my personal life was his.(boundry violation) He effectivly isolated me from the people who had talked to him.
When it came to me reminding him of some dispicable thing he’d done, well that was “water under the bridge”. If I unmasked him in some way, he would say,”nobody here wants to hear you fuss.”
Yes! The “P” told me when I confronted him after meeting his “new” girlfriend at his house that they’d been seeing each other six weeks. That meant he cheated on me.
Months later–we’re sitting in a whirlpool together and he said he’d never cheat with a married woman!!? I reminded him he cheated on me because he was dating “L” while he was still calling himself my boyfriend.
When I said six weeks he looked at me with this very puzzled face!!! He apparently gets so confused between truth and fiction that he forgot what he told me.
He denied it, of course. So, I reminded him of the conversation. He denied it again.
By the time this conversation occurred I was well over him. I rarely see him at this place anymore. He conveniently told me when he works out. I don’t go at that time. If I do see him I ignore him.
He wants to chat like we’re close friends!
Dear precious and wise Oxy — are you sure about your evaluation of Pseudo-victims? It truly sounds more like judgement to me from your own filters — or because victims don’t take your advice? I think you mentioned before that you have spent so much time coming up with solutions, you have gotten tired when they won’t listen.
We can’t walk in another’s shoes. It’s impossible.
Great blog!
The Bad Man would get so angry if I emailed him back something he had sent to me three days prior that he was now totally contradicting (usually about his feelings) in his current email. About MAJOR stuff. And as you said, I was the one , in his opinion , who was doing something terribly wrong by pointing out his constant contradictions. He would say he wasn’t interested in ANCIENT history….from three days prior! And that I should realize that people change.
I was also appalled that he would tell me things that were deep, dark secrets about other people. Things they would obviously not want shared. When I would say he shouldn’t be telling me those things, he’d just shrug and change the subject.
Thanks everyone….appreciate your comments very much. glad this post resonated with your experiences.
NewLife, JustAboutHealed, thanks so much for your generous feedback on the interview.
Steve
Dear Lily,
Please go back and carefully re-read the “conversation”—it would in my opinion, only be “enablilng” when the “Helper” continues on forever trying to find solutions and then gets mad at the “pseudo-victim” or even a REAL victim. The Enabler gets mad at the victim for not taking their “good advice” but a HELPER may make suggestions on where they could find it, but not (1) get up and get them the light or give them their own light and sit in the darkness themselves or (2) get MAD at the person for either sitting in the darkness and making NO effort to help themselves
Many times I have ENABLED, which is doing for others what they should be doing for themselves, then getting mad at them because they wouldn’t help themselves and/or the person I “did things for” was “ungrateful” because they didn’t like the results I got or didn’t like me trying to control their lives.
The LINE BETWEEN helping and enabling, in my opinion, is more attitude than anything else. A HELPER does not automatically feel it is his/her responsibility to PROVIDE YOU light if you are in the dark, or to give you their light because you are in the dark. They will help you FIND the light or solve a problem, but not DO it FOR you.
A mother who asks her kids to pick up their clothes from the floor, who, when the child doesn’t do it, picks them up herself but gets angry and irritated with the kids and then “blows up” at them the 10th time she picks up their clothes is an ENABLER.
A Helper mother would tell her kids (of appropriate age) I expect you to pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper so I can wash them. (boundary) and if you do not put them in the hamper I will not wash them.
So, if the kid leaves the clothes on the floor, the helper mother does NOT pick them up, but also does not wash them, so when the kid screams (consequences of their own behavior of not picking up the clothes) “I have nothing to wear that’s clean today!” the mother reinforces the consequences by saying, “well, you will just have to wear dirty clothes to school today.” So, hopefully the child will learn that s/he must be responsible for picking up their own clothes or there will be NATURAL consequences for failure to do so.
Helping, but with APPROPRIATE boundaries, is a good thing. Enabling ALWAYS leads to anger/resentment on BOTH the sides of the enabled and the enabler. And each will feel mistreated by the other.
A helper gives an OPPORTUNITY for a (in this case) pseudo-victim that wants the HELPER to take responsiblity for seeing that the pseudo-victim has what they need without any effort on their own part, and when they see clearly by the BEHAVIORS that the pseudo victim wil lmake NO effort on their own part to meet their own needs, then BACKS AWAY from this pseudo-victim and does not offer any more help or opportunity —- a REAL victim will utilize opportunity to HELP THEMSELVES find a solution to the “darkness” and will not look for someone else to “rescue” them from their own responsibilities.
REAL victims are sometimes left in a state of “near-helplessness” for a WHILE but they do not stay in that state forever once they have distanced themselves from their abuser. Real victims still stay with their abuser sometimes for life—but even REAL victims have to come to the conclusion that they must ACT for themselves to SAVE themselves.
Donna published an article a year or more ago, and I am sorry that I don’t remember the whole title, but it was along the line that VICTIMS must save THEMSELVES, we cannot do it for them. The person who I think was a pseudo-victim wrote Donna asking for DONNA to SAVE her and ever suggestion or help donna offered was turned aside as “impossible” or the person did not want to do it.
Remember Biddy? she came here “asking for help and advice” and it was offered to her, GET AWAY from him. But SHE CHOSE to defend and excuse him and to STAY. Was Biddy just a real victim still lattached to her abuser or was she as pseudo-victim? I don’t know, but I DO KNOW that we all saw a point that it was NOT HELPING her for us to use our emotional resources to “help” her, We were at that point in time Spinning our wheels with UBNproductive advice.
She had told us she was in pain and “darkness” and we told her where the “light” was, and how to plug it in, and turn it on, but she refused our offers of HELP. We knew that more helpful advice was useless at THAT TIME any way. Who knows, she may come back again, but if she again refuses to “turn on the light” or even “plug it in” at some point we can say, “she is acting like she wants us to take responsibility for her plight” Of course we couldn’t help her physically over the internet, but if we were in physical contact with her we would need to withdraw contact with her if she continued to try to get us to take “responsiblity” for her plight when SHE REFUSED TO TAKE RESPONSIBLITY FOR HERSELF.
Each of us here gives comfort, validation, advice, and consulation, but each of us too, must make our own decisions and TURN ON OUR OWN LIGHTS BY TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR OWN CHOICES and ACTIONS.
Having BEEN an ENABLER as I was trained to be by my egg donor, I DO NOT WANT TO BE THAT WAY EVER AGAIN. I will if asked offer advice, but I do NOT have any expectation that the person so advised will take it or profit from it, and will not become angry with them for failing to do so, but at the same time, I will NOT accept responsibility for their choices. they may take or leave my advice, but they are going to have to “light their own lamp” as me lighting a lamp for them will not teach them how to light their own, or provide them with what they need to keep it burning.
I will only take responsiblity for a small child who is unable to take responsiblity for themselves. ALL else will have to paddle their own canoe. I might tell them where to find a paddle, but I will NOT swing it for them. If they refuse to paddle, or don’t like the paddle I told them where to find, then that is their problem if they float off down toward the waterfall. It is up to them to save themselves, just as I have done.
I hope that makes sense to you Lily. I will always be willing to help others, but never willing to do for them what they need to do and are responsible for doing for themselves. Been there and done that, and it is not “helpful” or good for anyone.