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By | August 26, 2009 43 Comments

After the sociopath is gone: The ABCs of healing the past

The past. We’ve all got one. All stumbled over its inevitable lumps and bumps, highways and by-ways leading to nowhere. It’s something we can’t get out of living without. It’s the thing that makes our lives what they are today.

It’s also the thing that can keep us from living our lives today for all we’re worth.

We can’t get rid of the past. Nor should we want to. What we can do is lighten its load and shorten its shadow on our life today by following these three simple ABC’s to living freely in what Joseph Campbell calls, ”˜the rapture of now’.

A. Acknowledge the reality of what is. Acknowledge your patterns of behaviour that created your reality today.
B. Be accountable for your role in creating it. Be accountable for your responsibility in taking charge of it.
C. Commit to changing what you can, and have the courage to let go of the rest. Commit to doing whatever it takes to create more of what you want in your life today and let go of what doesn’t work anymore.

Now, I’m not saying it’s ‘easy-peasy’. But, as long as you are willing to be scrupulously honest with yourself, and the world around you, about what’s really going on in your life today that is limiting you from living the life of your dreams, the past will give up its haunting and you will be free to create beauty in your life today.

Take my relationship with the man who abused me. When I met him, I wanted desperately to believe he was Prince Charming. I wanted to be rescued. Of course, at the time, I wasn’t willing to admit any of that. In fact, I went out of my way to present myself as super self-sufficient and independent. A real with it and together woman; mother, daughter, sister, entrepreneur, friend and volunteer extraordinaire. You name it, I was into it and doing it as if I was the only one capable of making it happen.

Reality was, I had been faking my way through life for quite some time. Endlessly looking for someone ”˜out there’ to love me. It was a pattern that with careful self-examination was pretty evident throughout my relationships with men. I had searched for my meaning in some man’s embrace. I had always looked for who I was in the adoring eyes of someone looking back to me.

Once I was able to acknowledge my pattern of looking for my meaning in some man’s arms, I could start working on loving myself — exactly the way I was. In the case of who I was at the end of that abusive relationship, I could love myself in all my broken down, beaten up and battered pain. I could love myself as a woman who had been lied to and cheated and manipulated and I could love myself as a woman who had lied and cheated and manipulated to keep the abuser in my life. I could love myself as a woman who had been abused. In loving myself as I was, I started the journey of turning up for me, in all my pain and sorrow, without fear of having to deny the truth of who I was at the end of that relationship.

In facing my reality of who I was at the end of that relationship, and the many things I had done to hurt the ones I love, I became accountable for my role in causing myself and them pain. By being 100% accountable for my lies, my deceit, and even my desertion of the two most important people in my life, my daughters, I gave myself the grace of being courageous. In acknowledging I was courageous enough to face the truth, I began to teach myself how to turn up for me, no matter the weather. And in turning up for myself, I began to love myself more and more each day.

As I turned up for me, without trying to deflect reality or disown my own accountability in what I had done to cause those I love pain, I was given a gift I never could have imagined — forgiveness. In acknowledging to my daughters that I had harmed them, that I had deserted them and caused them pain, we were able to face the truth, and heal from what was real, rather than trying to pretend that I had nothing to do with what had happened to me. Reality was, he did what he did. I did what I did. Didn’t matter to them that I was frightened and scared and abused. What mattered was, I left them. I lied to them. I deceived them. They couldn’t heal until I got real with what I had done.

To heal, I had to commit myself to living up to my higher good. Thinking about him, talking about what he’d done, fixating on his abuse was not creating more of what I wanted in my life. I had to let go of focusing on him. Let go of wondering about ”˜why’ he did what he did and simply learn to accept, he did what he did because he could. Didn’t mean I was stupid. Didn’t mean I deserved his abuse, or was only worthy of his lies. It simply meant I’d been abused. I couldn’t change one iota of what had happened in the past and so, I had to quit judging myself against the measure of his abuse, and start holding myself accountable against the yardstick of my healing in the moment of now.

What do I want?

One of the most vital questions I asked myself was “What do I want more of in my life?” In the beginning of my healing journey, it was pretty easy to know what I didn’t want: I didn’t want pain. Abuse. Lies and deceit. I didn’t want him.

But what did I really want? After years of listening to him telling me what I wanted, needed, was, could have or be, it was a mighty task to uncover my own needs and desires. To get there, I had to dig deep into my psyche, had to block out the voices of self-derision and self-doubt and listen to my higher goodness calling. I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted peace of mind. Serenity. Love. Forgiveness. I wanted to reclaim my relationship with my daughters. To help them heal and to heal myself. I wanted to reclaim my life, the good parts of it, the parts where I was a magnificent human being on the journey of her lifetime.
To do that, I had to be willing to let go of the things that held me back from being all I am meant to be. I had to let go of negative self-talk, of self-defeating games and holding myself in the victim’s role through blame and shame and guilt. I had been abused. I did not have to abuse myself through self-hatred. I needed to nurture myself back to wellness through loving myself for all I am worth.

In my commitment to always working towards my higher good, always choosing harmony over discord, tranquility over anger, my healing path became a joyous journey into self-love.

Today, my life is more than I ever could have imagined, even before the abuser rode in on his great white charger and swept me off my feet. Today, my feet are firmly planted in the reality of my life in freedom. That place where I am free to acknowledge my power without fear that I am not enough. I am enough. Exactly the way I am in this moment, living it up in the rapture of now, free to be all I ever imagined, all I ever want to be. Because today, the past does not determine who I am. I do. The past is simply the path I took to get to this place where I know, I’m worth loving. I am worthy.

The past is not the story of my life unfolding today. It is simply a story about a woman who had the courage to find herself in the darkness and illuminate her path into living in the lightness of being free.


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Ox Drover

Dear Louise,

What an encouraging article! as always your words resinate in me in describing the journey to healing, to affirming ourselves and the hope we must fixate on in the NOW. thank you so much!!!

skylar

thank you Louise, I needed to hear that.

Obenauer

Thank you! Your story is an inspiration.

Tilly

I was in class today and an aussie told me how a “towelhead” (or better known here as “terrorist”..i.e. Islam person) told her how to rip off the Oz government! They had so many incredible ways that now seem so obvious that The mind boggles. No wonder there is racism everywhere!

ANewLily

Thank you, MLG, I also think your article is an inspiration.

This sentence, “Commit to doing whatever it takes to create more of what you want in your life today and let go of what doesn’t work anymore.” was extraordinarily timely for me.

I’ve so far had no clue what I “want.” It’s been so long that any want or wish was granted by the “empty suit” I forgot I could “want” anything I desire. The good news is that I have accomplished getting the things that DON’T work anymore out of my life. Progress!

Ox Drover

People seem to “divide” along lines of color, religion, culture, language, poliltics, class, and you name it. Us against them. Hates go on for generations after the last blow is struck or last injustice done. I guess that “tribal” mentality must to an extent be an “inheritent” thing among humans.

Bonding to a group of “like minded” people and hating groups that are “not us” might have in the tribal eras given an advantage for the person to have a loyalty to the familiar and hate or fear the unfamiliar.

Interestingly enough, the “myth” of criminals having a loyalty to each other seems to have been just that, a myth….and in fact, in “Fatal Shore” the statistics the author quoted seemed to back up that this solidarity of class/loyalty to one’s mates (other criminals) was UNTRUE except for the Irish political prisoners who were literally loyal to the death and several were beaten to death for not disclosing the names of others of their groups who had “broken the rules.”

In most cases of (non-Irish) criminals being punished, they gave up every name in the book, guilty or not, and made up names to give to stop the beatings and torture to themselves.

Personally, I think I would “confess” to killing President Abraham Lincoln in the 1860s rather than go through the tortures they were administered.

While it is true that some “groups” (racial, cultureal etc) may have some similarities in speech, looks, religion or even poliltics, jusging one person from that group by the stereotypes is like saying “Johnny is a soldier, Johnny is 6 ft tall, therefore ALL soldiers are 6 ft tall.”

Personally, I am an EQUAL OPPORTUNITY despiser of ALL psychopaths regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, culture or national origin. I despise them ALL.

super chic

Thank you for writing this. I guess I’m still working on my first step of the journey. I want to go back and change a million things I did.

candyharlau

This is huge…”do whatever it takes to create more of what you want in your life today and let go of what doesn’t work anymore.”

I too have no clue what i want. One step, one day, at a time.

My pan of brownies. It was great to make a pan of brownies for me, in my own kitchen, eat them, as much as i wanted….
without criticism. (ah, the small things)

Appreciation……….Gratitude……..Laughter

I was recently told to let my creativity out. What is that? I’ve squelched me and my desires for so long….
It’s very hard to begin again. I’m even having to let go of friendships that no longer serve me. I don’t really think they were friends anyways. I’m not comfortable with what they are doing. Learning to set BOUNDARIES.
I just know that i can never go back to what i used to be.
One of the best things i’ve learned. LISTEN. rather than forge ahead and want, desire, crave…stop, hesitate and LISTEN to what is being said. Also, WATCH and OBSERVE mannerisms, interactions, etc. So much is unspoken.

Thank you for reading…ramblings by me. helping me heal might help someone else. PIF (PAY IT FORWARD) some of these ‘key’ words i keep in my wallet….along with
–I AM A BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, AND I DESERVE ALL THE GOOD THINGS –thoughts become things, choose the good ones–

hugs to all
a tear…it’s nice to know that help is here on LF!

neveragain

Great blog. However, I think before we can get to these steps, we do first need outside clarification and validation (which at first we can’t give ourselves) that we were INDEED emotionally raped and/or physically raped and/or conned and/or beaten, etc.

I really believe you first have to come out of the FOG and see what the abuser is/was. And that the blame and shame belongs to him, not you.

THEN, after your mental relationship to him has completely changed….when you clearly see him for the monster he is…..THEN you can begin to look at your contributing factors. Frankly some of the lies, some of the manipulations WE do is emotional contagion, where we TEMPORARILY take on their values and behaviors…..it is part of what their brainwashing techniques do to us.

We need to give ourselves CREDIT for how ATYPICALLY we were acting in response to the P/S/N, the terrible discomfort or agony that caused us in thinking about ourselves, and realize that if we were not, at our core, people of empathy and compassion and integrity, it would not hurt so to reflect on how we acted. We would not feel shame, regret, sorrow about how WE acted. So even as you acknowledge what you did that contributed to your own pain and caused pain to those you truly love, you need to remind yourself, it is because you DO have good character that you can do this reflection, that you are amazed at how you acted, etc.

I think it helps to make a list of our own strengths and weaknesses, our character traits. And then take those weaknesses, make sure they really ARE weaknesses, and if they are, think of what we want to replace that trait with, what steps we can take to manifest that new character trait in our lives. To talk about that trait, to tell others who have that trait how much you admire that, to focus on that trait….and it will become a part of you that you cherish.

M.L, I think your post is a wonderfully succinct and beautifully articulated illumination of the path that we get to and undertake, once we have come out of the fetal position!

candyharlau

i agree about taking on their behaviors and traits. i can’t believe what i did sometimes to him or said to him. i was having to stoop to his level, just to be able to tolerate him. (what was i becoming?) it feels so good to have support to get back to me. i’ve invested alot of time in counseling, acupuncture, meditation, and talking to friends.

candyharlau

my XP…(aka monster, master manipulator) has already moved in w/new girlfriend. got his house on the water and moved his boat to the dock. only took him two months to find his next victim.
…he’s really working it, as i understand she is really ugly.
he dah man.
god, he’s good. he’s getting better and better w/age.
hope his dick keeps working.
go viagra. hope his heart can take it.

Stayingsane

Thanks…I’m just repeating the A B C part of this post. I acknowledge what has happened, I’m accountable in ways for creating this in my life, I am committed to changing…

candyharlau

My ex P had a new victim in 4 days of splitting up, he wanted to email me a picture of her…he has been through many at this stage…word has it he is not interested in a long term thing, just a sex thing…but if she happens to have a bank account or even boosts his flagging sense of himself in any way she is in danger….I am still heartbroken that he was able to replace me so quickly after pledging his love everyday!! what a liar, what a thief…and me? what a fool to have believed him..I am very bitter, angry and furious still…its a daily battle….we will come through…we will get through this

candyharlau

stayingsane:
let me clarify…he had many women all along, but this one came along with all the ‘goodies.’ how easy it was for him to say ‘i love you’ every day, but he moved on at lightning speed. that’s when you really know they were a fake.

don’t know if you read my post on another blog, but the DV injunction comes off 911. my own, personal, terrorist. hopefully he will be so engaged with his harem, he will forget to bother me for his possessions. possessions are the only things that mean anything to him anyhow. yes, i was a possession. part of his demented mind’s collection. except….he didn’t expect me to walk away when he wasn’t looking or ready for me to walk away. hee hee.

i pray for KARMA…soon.

((hugs)) you are a beautiful and worthy person!!!

harmony

Yes, thankyou. Perfectly said.

Four years on and i still read Lovefraud on a fortnightly basis but rarely comment. I feel for every single person on Lovefraud and understand all the stories. Lovefraud and everybody who comment on this site have all been my saviour with support and information, so thankyou. I would not have survived without Lovefraud.

I am only commenting due to a rather ironic moment I just found myself in. For some unknown reason I had a cry a little earlier on this evening (something i rarely do these days in fact i cant remember the last time). It had a little to do with the S and some reminiscing. I turned to the computer and checked by Inbox and thank goodness for Lovefraud sending me through the latest blog I managed to return to rational thinking.

Love to you all

Vision

Wonderful article above…..ABC’s

We do abuse ourselves…when we allow the abuser to do just so….I read in the book, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz that the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else. So if they abuse you a lttle more than you abuse yourself, you will walk away…But if they abuse you a little less you might stay in the relationship and tolerate it….If we believe we say, deserve it and I am not worthy of love and respect and I am not good enough then we allow themn to abuse us badly…..

The more we love ourselves, the less we will accept any abuse and any self abuse, self rejection….We tend to punish ourselves for not living up to what we believe we should be….Guilt sometimes……

This sure does help in building up our strength to get through that really rough road away from the SP and learning to accept not only their dysfunction and sickness but to help ourselves to function healthily and love ourselves again…..

almost_free

candyharlau,

I hear my ex in your story. Many, many women along the way, one all lined up for when he left… married her just a year after divorce was final. She has money – there always has to be something they’re looking for.

I am relieved to be free of him now… it’s been nearly two years, but I still shed a tear remembering what I thought I had, who I thought I was married to. It’s painful going through the time when the fog slowly lifts. Even when you see reality for what it really is, it still brings a tear every now and then.

M.L. – thanks for your inspirational post!

akitameg

What a fabulous article–
could have saved me thousands in therapy! Thank you. 🙂

Tilly

We are all your loving daughters Lily!

pollyannanomore

This is just what I needed to read tonight – thanks M.L 🙂 I am past the point of knowing all his little behaviours and games, past most of the anger and now in the space of knowing firmly that this is not about him – it is about me. And not in a bad self blaming way, but this is about me finally claiming the life I was born to lead, rather than the life of shame, guilt and manipulation I have lead under the control of others since the day I was born. I am starting to see it is a gift – allbeit a very painful gift. I can either die under the weight of it or resurrect myself in a new and better light. I choose to live. I choose life. He did not kill my spirit though he came close – my spirit longs for freedom and I will make damned sure I get it this time around.
Hugs to everyone and the comments were just as illuminating as the article!

recovering

pollyannanomore: I too see my experience as having been a gift ”“ albeit painful when I was emotionally immersed and confused about what was happening with the ex N/S. The weight of it all forced me to accept my limitations, leading to a resurrection of myself in a new light — with more compassion for myself, not just for others.

I am in a serene place with more focus on self-care, despite having some challenges as a small business owner. I’ve become detached in a good way as my healing progressed from what the ex did, my family-of-origin stuff, etc. and the world at large. Everything feels and looks very different as a result of having clearer personal boundaries.

In fact, I have little interest in talking much to get people to understand me, as I once did in being an “open book” (trained to not have boundaries) so others knew I was trustworthy and decent. My thinking now is “What do I think of them?” — not “What do they think of me?” People-pleasing, approval-seeking or extreme caretaking do not appeal to me much on any level anymore.

I like embracing a more private person who can decide what to share or give of myself. I simply trust myself on a much deeper level now.

fahrahri

HELP!!!!!

I have been doing so good with no contact with him and moving on and focusing on all my business ventures in the making and really really seeing him for what he is ..but now …he got thru to me and i made the BIGGEST MISTAKE!!!

he wants to see me…just one last time….i kept telling him no there isnt a need to see me in person its all been said over the last several weeks on emails texts etc..he is just being very aggressive about seeing me and i dont know what this will accomplish…im debating it…i know shoot me already!!!!! ugh…not sure what the hell his intentions of seeing me somewhere would help out …im praying for strength and my friends are being my support along with this site …i know i dont need to see him …so crazy!! was doing so good and moving on….

Matt

fahrahri:

He’s alreaady got you spinning like a top. No good can come from seeing him. Like I always say, there is no such thing as closure. Closure means you dump your crap all over him. Then, because he’ll now need closure, he’ll dump his crap all over you. And on and on and on.

You will get your closure by stopping all the contact and moving on. Plain and simple. There is nothing to be gained by a face-to-face. Every word out of his mouth to date has been a lie. So, you think he’s suddenly had an epiphany and is going to tell you what you want to hear.

Personally, I’d change my numbers, change my emails, change whatever you need to change and cut off the lines of contact. If you want to give him a screw over for the road, text him a time and place to meet you (preferably far away and expensive) and then don’t show. The End.

eileen

I second everything Matt writes. My ex-S was also harrassing me, demanding a meeting. He claimed it was to apologise face to face. At the same time he was trying to spread nasty rumours about me, and to get the other gf back. I still don’t know what he wanted. If he had really wanted to apologise he would have started by paying me back the money he owed me. I’d say he wanted to have the last word, throw in one last insult and run. Or maybe rob my credit card – and run. Or whatever. He would have tried anything to gain some power and control over me again, any pathetic trick he had done before. Don’t meet him, really, don’t.

fahrahri

The End! love it…nuff said …thanks matt and eileen you guys are both so dead on…i have thought about whether or not he would steal from me …and my friends are voicing concerns about my safety..which i hadnt thought of ..but oh they remember!!! i am not going to meet..ive got too much going for me i like the way you think matt..meet somewhere expensive and then not show…but id be scared of the revenge hed do to me!!

ok…the mad moment has passed now..thank you !!

ErinBrock

Fahrahri:
“..he is just being very aggressive about seeing me”

Well…..BE AGGRESSIVE BACK….10 fold!!!! They are like lions hunting out bleeding prey……
DON”T BLEED!!!!

Think of it…..if you don’t have contact with him…..he won’t be able to get to you…..throw these feelings of ‘wavering’ at you…..and you can move on and continue to focus on YOUR business and YOUR future…..

You know the reality……take control and shut him out…..COMPLETELY!
You owe him NOTHING!!!!

pollyannanomore

I agree with what everyone else has said … however every situation is different and you may have to meet with him to tie up any loose ends – I have had to meet with my ex on several occasions. If you HAVE to meet with him, ensure it is in a public place with lots of people around and consider taking someone with you as a witness – they are far less likely to pull manipulation and abuse tactics when someone else is there. It sounds like though he only wants to meet you to try to hook you back into the relationship – if this is the case AVOID THIS MEETING AT ALL COSTS. My ex did that to me and I ended up getting sucked back into the nightmare for another yr with him riding me parasitically worse than ever before. Abuse literature refers to these apologies and promises meetings as ‘hoovering’ because they are literally designed to suck you back into the relationship.

Sounds like you’re on track Fahrahri – already being away from him has cleared your head enough to see the manipulation implicit in this invitation. Change numbers if he keeps stalking and don’t hesitate to take legal action to protect yourself – these guys are not all talk. They can make your life a living hell after rejection. Check that he is not linked to any benefits like insurance or your will if you were to die and explain to your lawyer that you are dealing with a psycho and if anything happens to you he is the first person that needs to be suspected. God willing he will just go away and find someone else to bleed, but we never know.

To your good healing Fahrahri!

myheart

Very good article. I feel I go one step forward two step backward. Some days I feel very hopeful about the future, feel the peace etc… and other days I feel desparate for may be alone rest of my life. I have validation from a counselor that he was spath, and told me how to move on.
My subconcious mind doesn’t let it go, and am having nightmare about him, which is disturbing my sleep. I am pretty irritated and taking out on children.

Anyway hopefully these events will happen less and less. NC for last 9 months set by me and respected by spath so far. Divorce is final few weeks ago, so no reason of further contact, no kid together, thank god.

candy

lcain82 – Hi and welcome. Looks like the guys were very busy last night. Post your question again, with a bit more detail and I’m sure someone will answer you soon. I did not pursue the money route but I know some here have. Is it worth it?

mommom

I absolutley love this article,
I have decided tomorrow Im going to renew my exparte,Im going to bring in all my reciepts for cost of living. Im going to request the judge allow me to give away all my chickend,ducks and geese,even tho they bring me such joy.
Im also going to ask for more living expences and ask that anytime the order is violated that it be enforced this time. I need it be be enforced on all of the property not just the house. Very clever spath’s attorney figured that 1 out. Im going to have each and everything detailed. Im asking he pay for my therapy. Im going to request he pay the deductible so I can get the roof fixed that the tornado blew away. After he pays me he gets 3500 a month to play on. As a military spouce all I went thru, 2 wars etc,I deserve more that what Im getting,military law says so.

Truthspeak

Okie dokie……I read this article, again, and I very, VERY much want to learn how to manage this onset of anxiety.

Situation, in brief:
* No steady income
* No transportation
* Extremely minimal spousal support that I count on
* Living in a room of a friend’s house who has a passive/aggressive girlfriend
* Friend wants rent payment that was due almsot 10 days ago – and, I don’t blame him
* Exspath has defied Court Orders w/ exception of payroll-deducted support payments
* Support has STILL not been deposited and shows on State website that it is in “arrears”
* Called case worker who refered me to 800 number
* Automated system with no living humans to answer questions
* Call another 800# and am told to call my case worker
* Left messages w/ no return call
* Given the specifics of the frauds, I’m believing that the dipshit quit his job

Okay…..alright…..the business day is OVER, and I cannot learn anything about this situation – whether the 4th of July screwed up the whole system, or whether the exspath quit his job like any coward would.

Sounds crazy, but could someone type some sense to me, please? I know, academically, that I’m triggered and reacting, but I’m having a difficult time letting go of the scenario that he quit his job to avoid paying.

Thanks!

Truthspeak

And, another thing that sent me off was that I checked the State Directory to see if he was still listed as an employee and discovered that his BDS&M playmate works in the same office, along with about 5 other people who helped facilitate his activities. And, YES….I’ll own this: I looked to see who was working in that office.

SO, some of this anxiety is my own doing, I own that. But, this financial trigger started me down the Panic Path, and I’m pissed off at myself for having been triggered, and then for looking at who was in his office.

Dagnabbit…..

stormy

Candyharlau:

The article you posted below could have been posted by me! My spath is moving in with his next victim exactly I month after it was finally over. House on the water and boat and all.

“my XP”(aka monster, master manipulator) has already moved in w/new girlfriend. got his house on the water and moved his boat to the dock. only took him two months to find his next victim.
”he’s really working it, as i understand she is really ugly.
he dah man.
god, he’s good. he’s getting better and better w/age.
hope his dick keeps working.
go viagra. hope his heart can take it.”

Mine also has a heart condition, and I hope it gets him. He is old enough (67) and has already suffered one bout of congestive heart failure. I hate to be cruel, but even a heart attack could not match the pain he caused for me. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that they both have one and let the new girlfriends take care of them. Then see how long the relationship lasts.

Got to get the anger out somehow. Tired of crying so hope I didn’t offend anyone. Just venting.

Truthspeak

WHEW…..what a ride THAT was.

I’d read this article, long ago, and I read it several times, yesterday, as my triggered meltdown commenced.

I got through to today without the top of my head blowing off or throwing myself in front of a bus. And, I own some of that trigger, so I learned something valuable: it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what he did, with whom (best friend, coworker, man in the Moon), or when. All I ever need to know, for the rest of my life, is that he’s a despicable diseased individual to walk away from.

Having said that, the financial issues still aren’t resolved, yet, and I won’t be able to do anything about that until later in the morning. My son was a voice of reason and suggested that the exspath would never surrender his income, regardless of what he might be facing in Court – he has too many expensive interests and the Next Ms. Victim won’t likely fork out the sum of money it takes to engage in the group activities that he’s fond of.

So….it’s a new day, I’ll be just fine, and it was a valuable lesson for me, yesterday.

Brightest blessings!

Louise

Truthspeak:

I am glad you are feeling better. This healing journey takes a lot of hard work on our part.

kim frederick

Truthy, sorry about your melt-down. We’ll have good days and bad-days, but eventually the good-days out number the bad. Take it one day at a time and rely on your faith.
I’m so glad you are feeling better today.
What to do about triggers? I wish I knew. Handle them, I guess, and eventually they become less and less. Talking about them is good. Letting someone know what’s going on, is good.

Truthspeak

Louise & Kim, thank you. I’m not really “feeling better,” today, but I’ve got myself under control. I’m angry at myself for having spiraled out of control the way that I did.

At this point, I would have thought that I’d have better coping mechanisms, but it IS a lifelong endeavor to heal from this, and each day is a blessing, whether I’m doing great or wallowing in self-pity. It’ll all sort itself out. I just hate that I’m in limbo with no options, yet.

Thanks, again.

Back_from_the_edge

Truthspeak: I can’t tell you how many melt downs I have had in the past five years. I felt the same way, like throwing myself in front of a bus and have said so many times to my therapist.

Healing is a slow progession, it’s not an event that hits us, like a magic wand over the head, but it’s a slow progession, step by step. Once we are done going through all of the ‘proofs’ in our own minds, then we can start reprocessing it differently. Seeing it from a clearer and more profound perspective. I am not saying it’s easy, at all. This journey has taken me a long time – I still have a ways to go, setting good, strong, clear, definitive, boundaries is probably my weakest point. It’s difficult realizing that you just HAVE to curb your kindnesses unless we want to be a ‘victim’ over and over again.

I frankly prefer being a ‘survivor’ over being a ‘victim’. I stopped being a ‘victim’ the moment I realized I was being made a ‘victim’. Hm?

Life, I know, seems so hodge-podged and upside down and inside out. It’s like standing on the edge of a deep, canyon, feeling like you are going to fall off. But, remember, you are NOT going to fall off. And, if you get pushed off, you turn into a butterfly and fly right back and land on “ITS” shoulder…hahahahaha

Triggers: I keep myself away from them whenever possible. It’s the only way to fly. Sure, I see it increasing my PTSD a little but it is making me LESS depressed that trying to understand it or deal with it. Denial? Nah. Not really…shock. One of those moments that goes in skylars “WTF BUCKET”. Hm?

Yes, Louise, this journey, it takes unspeakable strength and determination. It’s as if we are fighting for our very lives and souls and in a way, we are. Everything we ever believed in has been dashed by one sick person….

We are the stronger though, don’t you guys ever forget that, because WE are the ones searching for the answers. Ppaths and Spaths do not care to even LOOK for the answers. They have no inner reflection like we do. They have used that to all but destroy us because they couldn’t stand it that someone was actually stronger than them and stood up to them…users; all of them.

It just keeps on getting better and better inside, every day that goes by. The more time and space and distance I put between me and “THE SAGA OF IT”, the more my soul is growing and flourishing, so don’t anyone give up hope. Keep striving and keep on keeping on…hm?

Be nice to yourselves, ONE TIME, every day.
Once a day, do something that is nice to you.
Forgetting and forsaking everything else…
tomorrow do two and don’t stop, just keep going…
sooner or later you end up back at yourself.

That is where “I” am trying to get to…
Back at myself. Where I started, only wiser..

Dupey

Truthspeak

Dupey…..thank you so much for the encouragement. I like your example of turning into a butterfly! Poetic, soothing, and encouraging – thank you VERY much.

Yeah….it’s a process, alright! But, I’ll be JUST fine, in due time.

HUGS

Back_from_the_edge

Truthspeak: always be encouraged, Dearheart.
WE are those butterflies. Hm?

I loved him and cared about him. Yes.
But the way it turned out, I MUST love and care about MYSELF more. If I hadn’t of, “IT” would have destroyed me in every sense of the word. Literally.

When you are forced to look at it like that, no matter what your heart tells you, you MUST follow your head. Right?

If you go out on the town and you drink too much and you wake up the next day just feeling absolutely horrible; like you have a foot for a head (hahahahah) when you are sick, you say: “OMG: I am never going to do THAT again!” Right? Eventually, sooner or later, you are going to stop over-indulging because you are sick and tired of that rotten feeling it leaves you with; right? NEVER AGAIN am I going to batter myself like that, with that ‘liquid poison’.

Well, spaths and ppaths are sort of like liquor.
Intoxicating and they have had their whole lives to hone their skills and be the way they are. There is no changing them. I am a very strong person and I promised myself I would hang onto him no matter what it took, to see him to that spot in his life where he was alright. In the process, he tried to harm me, murder me and threatened me. There was never any need for that response from him. That is proof to me that all the lies he told were just that, LIES. I was an ‘opportunity’ for “IT” and although he didn’t rob me blind, like I know he has tried to do to others along the way, he stole my soul and almost my life. Seriously.

I am absolutely CERTAIN that you are going to be just fine, Truthspeak, I can hear it in your resolve and if you need someone to listen, I am always around. I understand what you are coming through and I am so sorry you have to. My heart aches for you because I know right where you are with this and you are so close….you will make it. Just keep telling yourself that there is sunshine on the other side of those clouds…because, after all I have been through, I really have to admit that:

THERE IS SUNSHINE BEHIND THOSE CLOUDS.

Hugs back…YOU HANG IN THERE; hear me?
You are going to make it just fine through the storm.

Dupey

Truthspeak

Dupey, thank you SO much for your strong supportive words of encouragement, seriously. Your tenacity and honest sharing have been a tremendous help to me, as everyone else’s words of truth, honesty, and suppot.

We’re all going to be okay. When one is falling, the whole gang reaches out to grab the elbow. This community of support is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced outside of some 12-Step groups that I loved.

I learn from each and every survivor. Sometimes, I haven’t sorted out HOW to apply what they’ve shared, but I eventually figure out how it does.

It’s like I tell my students: I learn as much from THEM as they do from ME. Each human being has something to offer, and I appreciate this in my heart of hearts.

Hugs and high-fives, Dupey!

Back_from_the_edge

Truthspeak: You are MORE than welcome. We have ALL been riding in this same KAYAK; haven’t we? I think we had been handed a short oar, though; ahahahahaha Dang Blasted KAYAK rentals, anyways…

😛

We ARE all going to end up being okay.
That is the whole thing about stress: we do it over and over again, worry and worry and fret and fret and you know what? LIFE ALWAYS TURNS OUT ON ITS OWN TERMS ANYWAYS, no matter what we do, so sometimes we can cut a lot of the crap out by deeming what is truly important and what is not.

I have a very short life span now and I am not wasting it on this nonsense. I just am not. I am sorry that is a sick person and it took me a long time to find out that it’s okay if I turn my back on someone who tried to kill me. HELLO!
Know what I mean? The COG DISS was tremendous!!!!!!

My professionals have recently told me that because of “IT” is why I had my heart attack. Imagine that. HE ALMOST TOOK MY LIFE FROM ME AND THAT WAS ONLY ONE OF MANY OTHER WAYS. If that isn’t resolve enough, I don’t know what is. All the rest can be worked out in my own mind, in my own way and on my own time; right?

Yes, I have learned from every survivor, here, as well. I have read so much and EVERYONE has had a piece in the blocks I have been putting together for my life, whatever of it is left.

Do I miss him? I miss the lies that I mistook for reality.
I don’t miss the threats nor the ugliness nor verbal abuse. I don’t miss the disrespect and the vileness. The constant stalking. That isn’t me. That, to me, is unacceptable and always will be unacceptable. Did I love him? Yes. Deeply. And, just like that, suddenly, I was thrown from a cliff, without reason, rhyme, nor remorse because I was not tolerating it anymore.

I have learned so much from you and all the others.
Thanks Donna for giving us this place to gather and to help pull one another up, along the way….I am eternally grateful.

Dupey

PattiAnn

Well, it has been two months since I discovered that I was living with a narcissist and sociopath, and got rid of him. I’ve read alot of articles, to try to understand the motivations of this type of mental illness and why I was targeted. I’ve learned that they often target the strong, confident and compassionate types of women, and I believe that is because its alot more challenging to try to break them down, more of a sense of achievement for them if they believe they have taken away everything that the woman has built for herself. Alot of the confusion has been cleared up for me now. I still have to work on my own sense of confidence, in terms of feeling I can detect a pathological lier in the future. But what I am doing now is celebrating the person that I am, and will not change my greatest qualities, even if I can be seen as a target, and that is compassion, kindness, strength, independence and self-confidence. I think we should all celebrate these common traits that we share, in recovering from this experience. Love who we are and just be cautious in who we select to care for in the future. Let’s celebrate just how amazing we truly are!!

Ox Drover

Yea, PattiAnn, TOWANDA!!! Keep on learning and keep on celebrating! I also suggest that if you have not read Donna’s book, “The Red Flags” you should do so. Learning to spot these people BEFORE we become entangled with them is very important.

These “red flags” also apply to ANY relationship we have not just romantic ones as well, so realize that there are potential psychopaths in any kind of relationship.

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