One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
I have 13 year old daughter that tries a rewriting history technique of sorts to try to get me to feel guilty, and put her being in trouble on me as though it’s really my fault and she shouldnt be responsible for her actions. “…I wouldnt be acting this way if you hadn’t…” and it’s a skewed version of what was going on.
She, unfortunately learned this technique from her mom, who is undoubtly “consciencely-challenged”. How do you go about changing this behaviour in a child?
I have been the nice guy trying to explain that this isnt being honest and is manipulation and is therefore wrong. She drifts off and doesnt pay attention, trying to get me to stop or to frustrate me to get me to quit so she can go back on her merry way. It eventually escalates until I am yelling to keep her attention, which isnt how I want to handle this, but if I quit, her method works. I hate to yell but that’s the only time she shows enough respect/courtesey to even listen to someone that is talking to her!
She just wont do anything she doesnt want to do and there is nothing you can do to make her. Her whole goal is to frustrate you to get you to leave the conversation so she can go back to entertaining herself.
What do I do!?!?!
Patrick, if she’s a P/S/N in training this probably won’t work, but if She’s a normal albeit rebellious child you might try taking away those things that “entertain” her. Don’t engage in arguement. Don’t let her bait you. And when you put your foot down, under no circumstances give in. YOU have to be consistant, and there has to be consequences for her behavior. Good luck ! I know how hard it is to raise teenagers, even normal ones.
Patrick,
I read a book called, “why can’t I shut up?”
It’s about what you are talking about, how to get people to talk to each other instead of yelling. I’ve never had a normal relationship, so I cannot possibly know if it will work, but maybe you could read it and tell us.
it’s as if this article was talking specifically about my S! omg!
he would use things against me that i’d done a decade before we met, but if i brought up something he did the previous week he’d tell me not to “bring up the past”. we seperated because of his constant theiving, lying, and emotional abuse that began escalating into physical violence, which occurred on a nearly daily basis for over 2 years, and he didn’t feel that HE should have terms imposed on him if we were to get back together–but he sure had terms for ME, based on the singular mistake i made 3 yrs ago (which i don’t even remember doing because he plied me with so many shots of liquor, but ‘trusted’ that i did it & subsequently quit drinking altogether). he accused me of ‘hooking up’ with an ex from over a decade ago that i never speak to when i didn’t answer my phone on the first ring (but when he was unreachable for days i needed to understand and drop it). the list goes on & on… it was so FRUSTRATING!!! and irrational. and mind boggling.
thankfully, we’ve been officially divorced for almost 2 wks now (though he didn’t bother to change his address & didn’t get the papers, so he’s denying the facts stated in them). he never contested, and i got everything i asked for (full custody of our daughter, and he has supervised visits only, and i have authority to pick the supervisor). if only i’d asked for no contact between our daughter & him!! as it is, he’s absolutely refusing to be supervised by anyone but his dad (whom he has wrapped around his finger. his dad supports him & gives him money all the time) and i won’t have it so he doesn’t get to see her. (but of course i’m “keeping her” from him, and “making it more difficult than it has to be” for him to see her) oh, and he makes sure to tell me she’ll hate me for it when she’s older. but i’m not worried about that. she’s a smart girl.
he’s always playing the victim. nothing is ever his fault. if there is proof of him doing something he shouldn’t have he either “forgot” all about it (selective memory) or someone’s “setting him up” or “screwing him over”. and i’m always such a HORRIBLE person for the things i’ve done in my life, but don’t mention his arson, kidnapping, assault, attempted murder, robbing, theft, drugging, etc, etc… that doesn’t count.
kim frederick says:
“I was always amazed at how good he was at eeking out this information. Sometimes it wasn’t even true and I found it astounding that he found me so important that he had to discuss my business with everybody. DOUBLE FUNCTION HERE. HE SHOWED ME THAT EVEN MY PERSONAL LIFE WAS HIS (BOUNDRY VIOLATION). He effectivly isolated me from the people who had talked to him.”
OMG!!! I hadn’t even thought in these terms, but you are absolutely right.
I am painfully aware that I am considered a possession, not a person, by him. He tells me that he “owns” me.
As I read more and more of these articles and blogs I can clearly see that everything has been so obvious from the beginning — I just didn’t see it at the time. I was blinded by a winning smile, charming personality, unusually witty and entertaining man who made me feel extremely desirable (at the time).
Dear Patrick,
I raised teenagers (both normal and psychopathic) One son is in prison now for murder. Believe me, it is a challenge raising ANY teenager because they are so narcissistic and egocentric that they really believe the world revolves around them. A psychopathic one just never grows out of it.
All teenagers of my experience engage in what you are saying. Putting the blame on you. “I wouldn’t have had to lie if you hadn’t been so strict with me.” DUH!
What I did with mine (and was successful with all but the psychopathic one) is to say, essentially. “The law says I owe you food, shelter and clothing. Two outfits of clothes from the goodwill is clothing, and a blanket and pillow on the floor is “shelter” and oatmeal is food, so anything ABOVE THOSE basics is GRAVY.
I do NOT owe you a car, or to take you to every foot ball game, I do NOT owe you a computer, TV, Stereo, cell phone or ANYTHING ABOVE THE BASICS. Until you adjust your attitude of entitlement, I will not provide you above the BASICS that the law requires me to. The REASON I have been providing you above the basics is because I love you. It is not in YOUR best interest for me to continue to provide you with luxuaries when your attitude is poor.
Say this in a calm tone of voice, then DO what you say. Take away everything except the basics. You may have problems with this if she does not live with you full time. Especially if her mother is a P and won’t cooperate with you. BUT you CAN stop the luxuaries that you do provide for her when she is with you.
Believe me it IS DIFFICULT TO NOT YELL, but that is what she is COUNTING ON, to provoke you to lose your temper, then SHE WINS. Holding on to a calm (at least outwardly calm) action and setting boundaries and then ENFORCING them is the only way you can even “score” much less “win” the fight to try to give your daughter a moral compass of right and wrong. Good luck. and God bless your efforts!
Dear Ember halo,
GOOD FOR YOU!!!! Don’t give in. Your daughter is better off without him, hang tough! I suggest that you go NO CONTACT, if you must communicate with him, do so with e mail only so that you can keep a record of all communications.
Keep them short and sweet, no expressed anger, etc. just boundaries.
and STICK TO THE ABSOLUTE LETTER of the visitation outlined in the court papers, do not ever give him an inch or he will take 10 miles! Good going gal! TOWANDA!!!!
Oxdrover,
that person in the videos that keep getting posted is associated with Scientology on top of what you have said.
This pretty well describes my sister. She called me up last week after I hadn’t heard from her in over a year. (Maybe she heard somewhere that I had decided not to contact her.) “You bitch!” was the opening. And then she went on to accuse me of everything she has done for the past 20 years, including — how classic — I “make up myths.”
The revisionist called me a revisionist.
I hadn’t returned any of her phone calls, too. What phone calls?
Dear Blogger,
Someone put me on the Scientology mailing list a couple of years ago and I get tons of that stuff every week wanting me to do this or that to reach whatever nirvana they sell. It is like the mafia, once they get your name, you are “in for life!” I can’t stop the stuff, so I just throw it away.
I know there are sincere people who believe in the philosophy presented by Scientology, but I am not of that persuasion.
I know there are other sincere people who think I am deluded that I believe in a conscious creator of the universe too.
No one can “convince” someone against their will where “faith” is concerned or “beliefs” that are not based on objective criteria. That is what faith is though, the belief in something not seen, or seeable.
I do believe in the innate spirituality of the human species, whatever and however that spirituality is expressed or whatever beliefs are held.
My own personal opinion is that because psychopaths are unable to bond and to love, that they lack this spirituality in a way that is internal, though they can “learn the words” to say that indicate a belief in some form of spiritual belief system, I think they are unable to internalize that and truly “believe” in anything other than what they can see or touch or experience adn since they have limited emotional experiences, they therefore lack internal spirituality which connects them to others of the species.
In reading about studies of wolves in the wild, it has been noted by observers who have observed them for extended periods of time and over several generations, that if a wolf pup does not correctly bond the pack at the appropriate age or behaves in such a way that would be counter-productive to the pack as a whole, the alpha male will kill this pup.
Unfortunately, though at one time in our culture it was deemed appropriate to keep “defective” people from “marrying” (presumably to keep them from producing offspring) or to allow “defective” babies to die, this is no longer the case in our society or culture. Hitler had decided to get rid of “undesirable” people in Germany by both death and sterilization. The problem with doing this is, of course, WHO gets to decide who is “defective?”
My own biological son has deliberately chosen to NOT have natural children, and I support this decision because our family is full of psychopaths, and I have seen the results of the decision I made to have biological children, producing one psychopath and one loving child.
A friend of mine who works as a volunteer Court Appointed Special Advocate for kids in foster care, many of whom have one or both parents severely disordered, have suffered horrible home lives and are now cast upon the state to try to care for until they are turned loose on their own resources at age 18, in the meantime being kept in “group homes” or “theraputic foster homes” until the magical day they are 18 and on their on.
Many of these young people will live miserable lives of pain, drug addiction, and chaos, wind up in jail or worse, and produce another generation of children just like themselves. It is a “crying shame,” but other than resort to being like Nazi Germany and someone deciding who to kill, or who to sterilize, we just do the best we can with the resources we have. I don’t want to be the one to make the decisions on something like that, and I sure don’t want some Hitler-clone making that decision either.