One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Dear Kim,
My dear you had a horrible experience, and believe me I know that victims STAY far too long. I DID TOO. I let my son abuse me, then after my husband died, I hooked up with and almost married a psychopath….I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SPEAKING OF.
It is not the true victims that I have no patience with, and sometimes it is hard to tell the difference—for example, I hve an idea that your psychopathic X told everyoen how YOU HAD MISTREATED HIM. You were the VICTIM, the TRUE victim, but HE WAS THE PSEUDO-VICTIM, the pretend victim, and he presented himself as the one that had been abused.
You have not been here long enough to know the story of henry’s X, but he came to Henry and told Henry how his X had abused and hurt him, thrown him out into the cold alone, homeless and without transportation—he was a false-victim, he was JUST AS MUCH A PSYCHOPATH as his X.
Many times two psychopaths will hook up. For a while they take turns abusing each other, then, eventually one gets the better of the other one, and the “loser” goes out into the cold as a FALSE-victim, trying to find someoen else to TAKE CARE OF THEM, support them, meet their needs without them having to lift a hand. In other words, they each go seek a weaker victim to prey on.
Henry’s moved in and started to take advantage of henry’s good nature….of Henry giving him a place to life, cook for him, take him places, get his teeth fixed, get him a vehicle, get him a driver’s license, etc. and of course Henry footed the bills.
Ditto Matt’s X—an x convict, out for a person to mooch off of for money and to cheat on.
Sometimes at first it may not be “clear” who is a real victim and who is a false one, but usually it doesn’t take too long if you watch for it for you to see that they DO NOT want to help themselves, they want you to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for giving them things, letting them mooch off you, letting you do things FOR THEM but they are not willing to even treat you like you are any better than a hog. It is all about YOU taking care of THEM and them doing nothing besides tellin you that you uare worthless and don’t do enough for them.
We may have fallen for these lines in the past, or felt guilty because we “didn’t do enough” but you know, WE ARE SMARTER AND WISER THAN THAT NOW!!!
I am glad that you went to a shelter, and that “bad” thing turned out to be a GOOD thing after all. It got you away from the MONSTER! It got you support, but I do know this, shelters do not let you move in and lay on your butt for 5 years while they feed and house you and make your bed for you, and serve you your meals on a tray.
They do NOT enable you, but they GIVE YOU AN OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO STAY WHILE YOU HELP YOURSELF. That to me proves you are a REAL victim, NOT A FALSE ONE. You took the opportunities the shelter provided and didn’t expect someone else to support you in a “style you’d like to become accustomed to.”
After my divorce in 1980, for 3 months I lived in the back of my pick up truck with a camper shell on it with 2 kids, and a cat and not much else. We stayed in the small parks that had no services (water or electric for campers) to save the $4 a day charges for those that had services, but we would drive in during the day there and get a shower at the one with services at the bathhouse for campers or we would bathe in teh creeks.
I let myself be a victim for far too long just like you did, but I am no longer a victim, I am a VICTOR and a SURVIVOR, and SO ARE YOU! ((hugs))))
This monster gets my vote for THE worst historian:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32583149/ns/us_news-crime_and_courts/
Impressed. Bah.
justabouthealed:
I did the same thing you did — rewrite history in my mind. One of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t take him at his word when he told me “From here on in, I’m only looking out for number one.” That was the one time he spoke the truth and I was a fool not to take him at his word.
Tomorrow I am leaving for Greece — one year to the day when I took S on that all-expense-paid (by me) trip to hell (by him). Upon arrival at our villa I intend to perform an exorcism to rid the place of any memory, trace evidence or reminder of S. I look forward to making a whole lot of nice, new memories with my new interest who is coming over for part of my stay and with one of my best buds from college with whom I share a birthday, who is coming over after enduring chemo and radiation.
Steve,
You truly amaze me with your ability to write about these P behaviors in a way that makes us stop and think and reflect… and then most importantly engage in dialogue to promote our individual and collective growth and healing. Truly wonderful and as always greatly appreciated.
This particular post really hits a nerve with me because the ex S/N/Borderline is a MASTER at this… but his mastery of it at times contradicts his “I’m a victim” persona… but of course nobody else sees this…
I hope everyone reads this next part carefully because I don’t want ANYONE to think I am not supportive of our country’s veterans and service members and their sacrifices. That said, the ex S served in Iraq and has embraced the wounded, battle weary veteran role in way that is insulting to other veterans. He uses his wounded veteran status/perona/role as carte blanche to explain/justify his behaviors as being TBI or PTSD related. I, however, see now that he exhibited S behavior long before his deployment, and that he seems to pick and choose when his “symptoms” will be useful or when he rationalizes his (undiagnosed/unknown to him) Borderline Personality traits/symptoms as PTSD or TBI. An example of this is his Borderline rage behaviors or when he can’t remember things, or exhibits Borderline speech patterns – such as interupted speech ( he’s trying to remember which lie he told previously or change the subject, etc.) or when his stories don’t quite “add up.”
The joke is that when this guy wants to “re-write” history or screw someone over he seems to not only remember and manipulate every last detail but he can also find the most off- handed thing someone has said and twist it to his advantage. He also claims he can’t remember chunks of time, but I witnessed him dissociate, as is a hallmark of BPD splitting behaviors and again know this was present long before he went to war. He had his ex wife convinced he can’t remember anything until I finally said to her don’t you think it’s odd he can remember x & y & z but not A, B, & C, which are all things he doesn’t wish to be accountable for?! And boy did he remember and distort details from “way back when” when he engaged in his slander campaign against me.
The military is “perplexed” as to why he makes no progress even with treatment – which he does spoardically as Borderlines do when symptoms become problematic- and why he only seems to get worse. If the military had his whole history, they’d see that war may have made his behavior worse, BUT it DID NOT create his issues – the seeds of his behavior and evidence of BPD/S/N were there long before — as far back as his childhood and young adult life, and most notably in the year before he went/volunteered to go war as his life was crashing around him after he succumbed to all kinds of temptation and bad behavior to alleviate his “boredom”… empty bored chameleon should have been his code name!!
No wonder he was attracted to special forces/operations… oh wait my therapist said Borderlines/Sociopaths have this “habit” of making up or seriously embellishing military experience… hmmm (tongue planted firmly in cheek!) How convenient?!
Matt,
Travel safely, friend.
This time you are seeing Greece with a clear view and a more peaceful soul.
Have a hell of a time!!!!
~ new
Happy Travels Matt!
Enjoy every minute of all the new memory making!!
Will look forward to your re-cap!
newlife08 and Hecates path:
Thanks. When I have my backside dropped into a lounge chair while I am studying the ever-changing patterns of the waves as I roll off the ocean, I will signal Kostas the cabana boy, order some frozen drink with an umbrella in it and toast all my LF friends — and wish you were there with me — and if you saw Kostas the cabana boy you WOULD wish you were there with me!
Matt:
Your trip to Greece sounds heavenly. What a difference a year makes, right? Safe travels to you, Matt.
Is your S still roaming free? Or, has he gotten himself into a pair of silver bracelets, again?
Actually, scratch the questions about S. Not worth it.
Have a wonderful time in Greece.
Matt:
I hope you find all your dreams in the lapping waves, the new interest….AND IN KOSTAS the cabana boy!!!
IT all sounds just wonderful!!
Enjoy yourself…..
XXOO