One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
a very COMMON thing is for Ps to be total IMPOSTERS, even their name may be wrong, and some of them are totally good at it, liviing a COMPLETE LIE–pretending to be war heroes, and from famous families (remember the fake Rockefeller that kidnapped his daughter?)
I think the worst, or at least one of the worst, parts of these things are people looking at YOU like YOU are the IDIOT of the century. Look at poor Sandra Boss and the PUBLIC abuse SHE got for HIS crimes and her not figuring them out.
I think in the “true lovefraud stories” on this blog you can see some PRETTY SMART PEOPLE have been totally conned or duped. I consider myself pretty bright, and one of the worst FEELINGS I ahd about all this abuse from my P-son, the Trojan Horse-Pchopath, my P-sperm donor, my enabling egg donor, the P-BF, etc. was that I HATED MYSELF for being so “stupid”—yea, I even felt “better than” the women who let them beat them and went back, but when the FOG lifted, I realize I was JUST AS “STOO-PID” as the women who let men beat them repeatedly—I was no better than them, no smarter, no better insight. Once I realized it all though, the cunning and the masks, etc. I realized that I didn’t make good choices about putting up with any of their crap, their lies, etc. was that even so, I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS—THEY WERE.
I also realized that PEOPLE EVEN SMARTER AND BETTER EDUCATED THAN I AM fell for some cons worse than mine.
Just knowing that there were a bunch of SMART and GOOD folks here on LF that got conned just like I did, that made the same decisions to stay that I did, made me feel LESS STOO-PID, and just another good and smart person who got conned.
To finally stop beating myself up for being so STOO-PID was the first step in turning myself from being a sobbing pile of victim, into working on the person I want to become.
I believed a lie. I believed many of them. THEY told the lies. I didn’t. Sure there were CONSEQUENCES because I believed the lie, and those were real for me but I was not the one that TOLD the lie.
Coming here to lovefraud taught me a lot of things, made me feel better about myself for believing the lies and then taught me that I can learn to be more CAUTIOUS about what I believe, learn to spot the inconsistencies in the lies of the psychopaths. Just like I am not “perfect” and make mistakes, so do THEY. As Dr. Bob hare said, they “know the words, but not the music.”
In order to protect ourselves from falling into the clutches of another psychopath, we need to educate ourselves about THEM. Then learn to put that education to USE in our lives.
YES OXY!
We are not bad for being good. We were trusting and loving. We threw our pearls to swine because they were disguised as human beings. That is not our fault.
Now we know, now it is our responsibility to tell others.
Perhaps Lovefraud needs to come up with some tee-shirts:
how about just the word “Narcissists” with a red circle and a red line through it? Or, “Narcissists need not apply here”
Basically anything to get the conversation going.
I am new hear and have been reading some posts. I fully believe my husband is a sociopath brutally cruel at times then charming at others. He has admitted to not knowing if he can feel guilt or shame, admitted he does not know what love is and thinks it is a myth to make people feel better. Has a sense of intelecutal superiority of others and on and on and on. I am wondering if it is normal to still feel bouts of guilt and shame even after realizing what has happened and what he is. I still feel under his spell and question my sanity or if I really could have been the abuser. Has anyone else felt this after the relationship ended? I am see a counselor on monday for these issues. We were together 9 years and have 3 young boys together. I am terrified of mine and the kids future with this man.
I don’t know if you have the briar rabbit story over there. Every real Aussie kid from my generation (baby boomers)was brought up with the kids story about the rabbit who begged the wolf “please mr. wolf, you can do anything to me, but PLEASE don’t throw me in the mulberry patch!!” Of course, the wolf eventually does just that, and throws the rabbit into the mulberry path. Then we find out that the mulberry patch is actually where the rabbit lives (his safe haven home).
Well I fell into the briar rabbit story. I told my ex p partner that i was reading Victor Frankl’s book and carried it everywhere with me, because it had helped me recover from the P solicitor.
First of all my p partner got a hold of Victor Frankls book (mans search for meaning) and read it three times in a row and learned many pages/quotes from it. Then he wanted to discuss it ad nauseum, not just with me but with every person in his life.. He told everyone ” i have found this amazing book! I will buy you a copy as it is a must read (so he bought two of his ex partners’ the book), then he systematically found out EXACTLY what the P solicitor did to me.
All this time, i was saying to everyone (unbeknowingly) as my daily mantra, ” “oh please do anything to me but don’t throw me in the mulberry patch like the P solicitor did. I would never survive it.” (translation: don’t do what the solicitor did to me as I can survive anything but THAT).
So of course, at a date set ( that seemed totally random to me, but in retrospect was planned to the dot on the i), my p partner did EXACTLY what the solicitor did. And I mean EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!
So, the big difference for me was, that even though it was pre-enlightened days (of knowing about these a###oles), I had virtually nothing left for him to steal except the three most important things to me. ie my sanity, my dignity, my clean record, my reputation restored after seven years WORK in the courts appealing legal abuse ( I won) etc.
So now here i was back at square one. And he got me when I least expectd it! Of course.
I should have told him “PLEASE DON”T THROW ME BACK INTO THE FLAT I USED TO LIVE IN WITH THESE TWO SILLY DOGS!!
(bECAUSE HE KNEW i LOVED THE DOGS AND TOOK THEM AND THEN IMMEDIATLEY GAVE THEM TO HIS DAUGHTER).
Suffice it to say, I didn’t get my dogs or my jewellry or my cash or my clothes and photos and computer and stuff back. Bu8t the good thing is I had already lost EVERYTHING ELSE at the hands of the P solictor, so he never got my home and assets.
Nor did he get my clean record, (eventually after he tried non stop for six months), my dignity or my reputation where it mattered.
What he did get, and i I must admit, was my sanity. Unfortunately for him, I am no longer the mild mannered clark Kentress of yesteryear. Rather, i am more like the incredible hulk with a passion to kill him that burns deeply within my soul.And should a p cross my path again it might just trigger the quick. But don’t worry folks, Oxy and I are working on that ..
arn’t we Oxy? lol!
Oxy: N.B. I am definitely not up to the “NEW BEAU” stage!! But you GO GIRL!!!xoxoxoxoxoxo
Fireflys:
You need to burn brightly and start reading the archives and all the various “personalities” here, each day. Eventually you will know for sure if he is “ONE” or not. And you will see that EVERYONE who has been a victim of a sociopath felt the feelings you are now feeling.
Read here EVERY DAY! This is the last port for us survivors! There is nowhere else to go but up and nothing else to do but get better once you understand what you are really dealing with. ALIENS EXIST and they come in the form od PSYCHOPATHS!!
Matt:
Love the joke about Adonis! Sounds like you got your own Adonis NOW! MAKE THE MOST OF IT MATT! life is short…its Rosa’s and my turn to find our Adonis next.
Don’t for get there is a cyberparty here in November to celebrate one year NC. And that includes one year where we were strong enough not to hire a hitman to kill the bastards!! TOWANDA!!lol! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Oxy:
Has he kissed you yet? Is he a good kisser??
well, i’ll be damned. just when you least expect it, the pathos decides to call. yup, he gave up 7 months ago and then today — i had a GREAT day — riiinnngggg….
hello? hey ___, it’s __! CLICK!!
riinnnggggg….
well, my heart was racing, so i called my girlfriend; he called back and left a rambling message? DON’T LISTEN TO IT, my friend shrieked! but i had to. i was so nervous and freaked out. and this is what i heard.
‘uh, well, i just wanted to tell you what’s going on, you know, i’m doing so great and really moving forward in leaps and bounds! i just got my masters — with a 4.0! — and i’m getting this certificate and that sponsorship and the other award AND i’m opening my own company and i have backers and funding because it is, of course, a totally unique concept that’s never been done before. and so, don’t call me back because there’s nothing i have to say to you and i hope you’re doing great too, since i’m doing so well, BUT you DON’T have to hang up on me. it’s just really STUPID because regardless of what happened between us, you shouldn’t want to hang up and anyway, THIS IS THE LAST TIME I’LL EVER CALL!
well, i’ve been laughing for about an hour now. he sounded like he was about 13. what a douche.
TOWANDA!!!!!!!!!
Lostingrief:
LOL!
You’re laughing – EXCELLENT. That’s the only way we should ever think of these fools, as clowns to laugh at.