One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
omg, sky.
i wish i could play it for everyone.
he must have SMELLED that i had one of my best days ever today, that he was the furthest thing from my mind; that i felt whole.
i can’t believe he called back after i hung up on him. where is that overbearing PRIDE of his? that need never to bend to another!
LOL!
LIG:
Another need for validation…..and then the smirky remarks….
TYPICAL and I am glad your response was what it was! Congratulations on your growth and progress!
Its almost predictable they will do this…..Your hang up was perfect…you have NO USE for him! YOU HAVE MOVED ON!
You certainly do not need HIS validation, but he just wanted to know he was still able to ‘control’ you……and YOU SHOWED HIM!!!
Good for you!!!! I hope you take this as empowerment for the next time, keep this with you, record the message on the digi recorder WE ALL should own…..for the times you feel you question yourself. This is a tangible reminder.
I am proud of you and your actions!!!!
XXOO
Court update:
Of course I was soooooo tired from my busy week, I overslept…..I threw myself out of bed, brushed the teeth and threw the clothes on and raced down to court……not optimal, but I had an hour drive to ‘collect’ myself!
Listened to the theme song, called the ‘other states’ sheriffs office to confirm for mYSELF if he was served or not….He wasn’t…..he ducked service….BUT…..the funny thing was the sheriffs were told he had moved a week earlier…..not true, it was LAST WEEK….but none the less, he wasnt’ served….
SO…..I know the law and I know the judges hands were going to be tied…..so I went into thinking mode…..and decided I would take this time to educate the judge on SOCIOPATHIC behaviors…..since I was the last case called, we had a minute…..and I was going to use it!
I spoke with the advocate prior to court…..and i will tell you, it was the first time an advocate actually sat with me in court…..as often as I have done this TPO crap….this was the first time……
So anyways, we chatted outside the courtroom, she gave me the lowdown basics on ‘how to act in front of a judge’…..DUHHHHHH….NO CRAP! Just let her speak and said yes maam. Then we sat down and I went into the behavior patterns, the violations…….basically, painted a vague picture for her…..then I hit on socipathic behaviors and how they relate to domestic violance……how if we looked beyond the ‘battered woman/man’ pictorial……we would get to the WHY these people abuse….NO it’s not because they come from an abusive home, alcoholic, drugs whatever background…..IT IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE CHOICES….>WE ALL DO…..and THEY CHOOSE TO ABUSE……
No one gives a shit about where I have come from…..and I DON”T ABUSE! So what the hell difference does it make…..IT DOESN”T……..it’s a choice…..
She was captivated by what I was saying, and then I told her that I wasn’t going to go ‘silently’ from this, I was disgusted by the system, lack of education and protection of survivors/victims etc…..
As we were called in she said to me……WOW, you are the most well informed survivor of DV I have ever had the pleasure of escorting to court. I am very impressed with your knowledge and articulation of ‘why’ this happens and I wish more victims had your knowledge…..I said….THEY COULD.
So we went into court and it was the same judge as we had the last tpo hearing…..she noticed he hadn’t been served and said by law she could not extend the order past today….I told her I understood her hands were tied BUT…..this was wrong and I was going to be part of going after changing this…….
If there are any ‘cracks’ to fall through, it should be the victims nestled in them vs the perps……
I went into the sociopath speal and she listened intently, I also threw in ‘what’ we were dealing with and the potential danger involved and how wrong it was that a sociopath could duck service and we are not able to have the ‘extra’ layer of ‘protection’ around us…..I also pointed out the TPO order read he was required to keep the courts informed of his physical residence and as per teh sheriffs statement…..HE MOVED…..he is in violation of this order on those grounds…..
Given the violence and threats…..I should be able to know where he is residing at all times….and WHY does the order reads this way if no one gives a shit? It’s for service procedures, so the court can always get in touch with him……WELL HEEEEEELLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, were you able to? NOOOOO, and MY order is vacated?
I requested information on WHO I report this to, and WHAT will they do about it? I will report it. Something I would normally overlook……but since we are playing the run and hide game…..again, I will play along…..She then, and ONLY THEN, offered the alternative option of service through the newspaper…….she was not forthcoming with this until after I insisted we ‘chat’……
So…..I will run an ad…..I might even think about a full page ad…..in his ‘former’ small town in other state…….I need to run an ad once a week for a month…..but only after I file a motion with courts showing due diligence trying to serve him…..basically I need permission to do this. Okay, fine, I will play along…..then I can go back to court in 6 weeks and move forward with an extension for another year…..
By this time it will take us well after one child (his target of punishment) turns 18 and hopefully on his way in life…..
I am worried he will ‘turn up’ after he is sufficed all orders are expired and start the tangent back up…..this is his MO.
Then it will be up to this child to enter the legal crap on his own…..he is so pissed at the S……I’m affraid he will take it on his own……not good! Additionally, the S knows this and would provoke this out of him………it could escalate into ugliness and that child will be a legal adult.
Anyways…..that’s the outcome…..order not extended, will follow up……
The judge did say to me…..it’s not that I dont believe you, it’s that my hands are tied, I must follow the law…..I understood that, but I also told her, that I look back at my journey and how many dead ends there are within the system, ALL infavor of the perps and how many woman, not as persistant as me would just drop it all and run deflated, scared and shut down by the process…..I told her I know there will be women before me and after me, but something needed to be done to protect us from these sociopaths…..she agreed and smiled and said, something tells me you will have something to do with that change. I told her YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!!!!
And I thanked her for her time, she said, she was sorry she couldn’t offer more protection.
I ended it with….
I would catch back up with her next week and refile……and move forward per her suggestion.
The advocate didn’t say a word until after we were in the hallway, she offered to ‘walk’ me through the next process of filing the motion to serve via newspaper and suggested the best day to come to court when a judge would be available THAT day to file and make a ruling, so I could streamline my ad running. She told me the days the judges were ‘shorthanded’ and not to come those days…..
she gave me her card and said she would personally accompany me through the process.
We will see! But if not….I’ll just do it myself!
I want that extra layer of protection, in light of the threats, the actions, the movements, the friends calling me and all his proxies….Just to let it continue to be known…..YOU CAN”T MESS WITH ME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES ANY MORE!!!!
That’s it…..
Erin, can I adopt you?
or you can adopt me?
You are too awesome. Congrats on staying the course and not faltering. I can’t say that I can be as strong. I’m still waffling about everything. Today I called some legal services. Waiting for a return call hopefully monday.
My problem is that my P had been “chatting up” all the cops so that they hate me for years. He has made sure to make friends with every cop that he could talk to in 3 counties plus the state patrol. I’M NOT KIDDING. I know now that he has been planning this for years: his version of the stepford wives, where I run but have no where to hide and the police are all on his side. This guy is TEXTBOOK. His illusions of grandeur propel him to plot and plot and plot for years. He will fantasize about what he will do and then he does it. Unfortunately, I think I messed up his timetable and didn’t go crazy and didn’t kill myself. He also forgot that, although he has no legal record (too smart for that), he is still a typical sociopath with no legal address, no job, no job history, bad credit history, no property except for his car and helicopter. All he has is his stories and soon no one will believe them.
Dear Skylar,
I suggest that you contact the Federal Aviation Administgration in OKLAHOMA CITY, OK and notify them what he is doing with the helicopter. I think you said he is illegally flying it. Is he making money with it? If so, this might be a very important thing. You will also need th e “N number” that is the number on the tail with an N in front of it.
You might also contact HOMELAND SECURITY about this as unlicensed pilots and planes (especially helicopters) are a big NO NO now since 9/11. You might also contact the Drug Enforcement Administration as illegally flown planes and chopers are frequently used for drug transportations. Anything that you THINK he might be doing with the copter.
Is the copter a “home built one?” Or is it a regular manufactured one? this might be important. My husband and I have been in aviation business (I still have the airport) and my husband was in aviation his entire life.
Be careful Skylar!!! (((hugs))))
Oxdrover,
I wanted to thank you for your comments about abused who are also abusers. I recently made a comment on here along those lines and I think that it is one area where some people are vulnerable and I was happy to see you talking about it.
OXY…../SKYLAR……
Oxy….great advice……
SKYLAR….DO not let him intimidate you…..
AND don’t think the cops are not ‘on to him’…..mine too chatted up the cops….portrayed me as ‘who’ he wanted them to see me as……but they are not always as stupid as they seem (the cops I mean)…..in his little ‘chat’ sessions, he exposed himself…..they thought it was wierd why he was going that route…..then the bang hit…..the drug exposure and his own behaviors caught him with the cops….alerted them…..
SO……even though you may think he has the cops ‘bagged’…..don’t be in such a rush to believe it…..when they see his ‘crimes’ come out on a much bigger level….it will all be clear to them……the heli deal….no job…..that sort of thng.
Is he a dealer? or ‘suspected’ dealer? How does he CLAIM he makes a living, affords these toys?
Don’t be so sure no one is watching…..
But I would go with oxy’s advice…shut him down on the heli side…..ofcourse anonymously……
And hey……since I certainly do not want any more children……and my parents have proven to be ‘who’ they are nad not who I had hoped they were……I’m adoptable!
You can do it, you have the strength….BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and FIGHT THE FIGHT….you gain self esteem, self reliance and self control as you continue down the path……..
XXOO
Dear Blogger,
I heard this combination of two abusers in a relationship called “gasoline and fire” relationships…where they take turns being victms and abusers like a macabe game of musical chairs. The saddest thing is that these pseudo-victims (when they are th eone on the bottom of the dog pile) put themselves forth as the victim of an abuser, when in fact, they are just as toxic as their “abuser”—and just as abusive.
The old joke about “99% of the lawyers give the other 1% a bad name” is the same I think with these pseudo-victims, in that they give REAL victims a “bad name.”
I had a recent encounter with a pseudo-victim who was masked quite nicely as a “victim” until I finally saw through the mask they were wearing. It took some time, just as it does to unmask any psychopath.
Martha Stout’s comments about “if you have the pity ploy you are dealing with a psychopath” finally came back to me, and I realized that this person was a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” They were trying to play upon my sympathy and pity for their “plight”–the difference with me (at least this time) is that I had not become emotionally invested in this person, but had refrained from “enabling” them by doing things FOR them, and had observed them for trustability, (I guess that’s a word, if not it is NOW) which in the end, I didn’t find any reason to trust them.
Sorting out the “sheep from the goats” the pseudo-victims from the real victims is sometimes as difficult as sorthing an ordinary P from a jerk, or a person with dysfunctional coping skills, but i think if you watch closely enough, and realize that REAL victim, once they have gotten away from the abuser, given a time to “calm down” in safety, they will start taking control of their lives, working toward reclaiming their lives, where the pseudo-victim will want a third party (their next victim-you) to provide for them, rather than them working for their own welfare and taking responsibility for their own lives.
One clue I have found that has helped me to sort the “sheep from the goats” is that a pseudo-victim will (almost) NEVER ACCEPT their own part in the chaos, but a real victim seems to accept the BLAME for their problems even though that “blame” is NOT justified. The pseudo-victim will almost always project ALL the responsibility and blame for the situation they are in on to everyone in the world except themselves. Almost every pseudo-victim I have had contact with will frequently use the phrase “it is ALL X’s fault.”
BTW Blogger, you are in my prayers and thoughts so much. If you need me, you know where to find me….God bless you! (((hugs))))
Dear Skylar and Erin,
I think we have all adopted each other here at LF and we are one big CHOSEN FAMILY!!!! And sure enough a much better one than we had to start with in many or most cases! Erin, you were posting as I was. G’nite!
Oxy:
The book I suggested is called “Born or Bred ?” ( not “born bored!!lol! fraudian slip of the toungue ha ha!). xo