One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
Oxy:
The book I suggested is called “Born or Bred ?” ( not “born bored!! lol! fraudian slip of the tongue ha ha!). xo
Lostingrief:
CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU ARE MY HERO>
1. FOR HANGING UP!
2. FOR LAUGHING AT HIS PATHETIC MESSAGE
3. FOR STAYING NC (and this is the best one)
4. because now you HAVE TOTALLY WON!!!!
towanda!!! THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO
tHIS IS PERFECT revenge
Lostingrief:
CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU ARE MY HERO>
1. FOR HANGING UP!
2. FOR LAUGHING AT HIS PATHETIC MESSAGE
3. FOR STAYING NC (and this is the best one)
4. because now you HAVE TOTALLY WON!!!!
towanda!!! THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO
tHIS IS PERFECT revenge
Lostingrief:
CONGRATULATIONS!! YOU ARE MY HERO>
1. FOR HANGING UP!
2. FOR LAUGHING AT HIS PATHETIC MESSAGE
3. FOR STAYING NC (and this is the best one)
4. because now you HAVE TOTALLY WON!!!!
towanda!!! THAT IS SOOOOOOOOOO AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXO
At the Assocation for Psychological Science symposium there was a speech given that basically covered this excerpt from it:
Who would have imagined that research uncovering the ability of life experience to alter the expression of genes would come along and, almost overnight, cause the old nature-versus-nurture debate which practically defined psychology and the other social sciences for a century to simply evaporate?
A vast and growing amount of data shows that life experience can shape an individual’s development in amazingly subtle ways. Those influences can include nutrition and other environmental factors, as well as the amount of nurturance or stress experienced, especially early in life. The research of Champagne and her colleagues at Columbia shows that these influences involve actually facilitating or suppressing the expression of genetic information.
Basically it is not nature or nurture but rather a combination of the two constantly interacting or as a different study stated – The picture that is emerging from these and other studies suggests that social signals can have a profound effect on when and how genes function.
An organism’s genes, its environment, the social information it receives, “all these things interact,” said Clayton. “Experience is constantly coming back in to the level of the DNA and twiddling the dials and the knobs.”
erin:
you are one strong woman! your tenacity will pay off. another amazing woman working hard to make things right in this world. we should start a Woman’s Party … can you imagine THAT agenda?
hang in there. we’re all behind you!
tilly: thanks for the encouragement. amazingly, this morning i’m still feeling like i was last night. what a lying moron. i don’t believe a word he said.
Steve,
This article is so on target with our situation. The actual S who controlled our niece, did the exact thing related to quizing her and finding out about her past boyfriends. Even to the point that he left her for one day because she failed to tell him about one guy she had stay over. This was of course her punishment for ‘lieing’. We know this because her friends recall how devestated she was when he left her. We know this was just part of his way to control her.
The other point is that we were kicked out of the family immediately when we uncovered the many Red Flags about him. This was a few nonths before they were to marry. We did not succeed. But happily, we beleive after 2 1/2 years he has been kicked out by our niece and her family (they were living with her parents, go figure the man with millions). The parents knew all his criminal activities and how he was controling every situation and their daughter. We feel they were blinded by what they thought to be ‘prince charming’ and would make their lives richer and more comfortable. Unfortunately, all along they dissed us and told us we were wrong. Never communicating a thing to us but that they were unhappy with us for bringing any of these red flags to them. The mother even began to diss us for how we live our lives and past history not related to the situation to make us look bad to her daughter and son. Does this sound familiar?
Your article now is very pertinent because after 2 years of no communication, the parents of this niece are deffinently revisiing history!. Predictably ‘—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.’
We have come to the conclusion that no matter what we are glad for our niece to have finally gotten rid of him. We hope for her to find a new sense of independence without him and knowledge that she is not to blame for his behavior and his control of her. She hopefully will understand at some point just how much her parents enabled this relationship with a Sociopath. And how they may be controlling her life as well.
We do feel ‘history (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed’… by all of them. That said my husband and I will no longer be apart of this family. Because, the exploiter , her parents, are framing our interest, our attempts to inform them in the history of this exploitation of them as ‘off-limits’.
Not only does our niece have to deal with leaving a S, she has to deal with parents that manipulate and have no integrity to process the family division and the truth of the history that has happened. As you say, ‘when this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship’.
This site and your feedback is greatly appreciated. The impact of these evil, manipulative sociopaths reek havoc on such a broad spectrum of family and friends. We fortunately have lots of other family and friends that support us and also wish only the best for our niece. And for all of you out there that have been victimized.
Peace
Dear Blogger,
I totally agree with you there on not just psychological things, but literally everything in our lives from Diabetes II to failure to thrive syndrome.
We have lots of genes in our bodies that are UNEXPRESSED, just like a lamp has POTENTIAL for light, but until environment turns it on, the light will not be “expressed.” environment is the TOGGLE SWITCH for the expression for these genes in our bodies/minds,
Unfortunately some of these expressions of genes don’t seem to have an OFF switch and once they are ON they are ON forever.
My family had a saying “the same sun that hardens the clay, melts the wax.” The SAME CONDITIONS will get different resxults depending on the qualities of the material within the person, the object, or whatever is effected.
The person with the combination of genes prone to be expressed as aggression or submissiveness (and I think there are genes for lthis too) will react differently to certain circumstances.
IN cattle, they have found in the last few years that the tendency to become wormy is GENETIC, and that even though certain cattle are exposed to worms they will not be effected, that they will almost lbe immune to worms. They found the gene and are now working on breeding out the tendency to become wormy.
The cattle industry is also finally figuring out that STRESSED conditions cause the cattle to not gain weight well, and that the more naturally “flighty” or nervous cattle gain at a slower rate and require food, they have also learned that this is genetic expressed under the same calm conditions that other, more genetically quiet cattle do not stay stressed.
Years ago there was an ad for Carnation milk, “from CONTENTED cows”—well, contentment in a cowherd does make a big difference in the amount of milk produced, and in the beef herd as well. Exciting the animal before slaughter (which is ALWAYS done in commercial meat packing) gives the stress hormones a big jolt and that is why I cannot STAND to even smell “store bought meat” cooking. The taste of the meat from my animals is primarily I think different because the animals I slaugher or have slaughered are UNstressed as much as is possible. They never are frightened or alone, or hear the gun go off. “Oxy’s meat, from CONTENTED cows!” It doesn’t smell like FEAR when you cook it.
I remember reading all the debates from the middle ages about predestination (religiously) and people I think want to believe we (humans) have “free will” and for many years our physicians taught us a baby was a blank slate upon which nurture (or lack of it) wrote on. Of course I have never subscribed to that belief because of my experiences with animals.
Just as some people are borh tall and skinny, and able to run fast, and others are short, heavily muscled and are able to lift heavy weights we all have different talents and different deficits as well, but all the nurture in the world and training isn’t going to make the short heavily muscled guy into a long distance runner, or the tall slim guy into a heavy weight lifter.
So there are some combinations of genes that limit the range, depth and scope of what is possible with nurture.
These musings are not ONLY a scientific debate and study, but also a philosophical one as well.
On the news last evening in Arkansas a man condemned to be executed for his crime was found to have an IQ of 59 (retarded) and the cut off in Arkansas for executing a person for their crimes is an IQ of 65, so he is considered “retarded” by law and will not be executed. The families of the victims are upset because they believe he is “faking” (and in truth IQ tests are NOT that reliable within 6 points for one individual, but the debate and hard feelings goes on.
I had a cow one time that had a stick or twig in her eye, we took her to the vets and operated on the eye to fix it, and though she was a gentle cow, if you tried to pen her up for vaccines or spraying for flies, she would go NUTSO and try to kill you or herself before lshe would consent to be penned.
That of course was a LEARNED response to the extreme pain she had endured after being penned. She did not know we did it for her ultimate good or to save her life. One of my steers that I worked (oxen) had cancer in his eye as he got older and we treated it four times (very painful though we tried to numb it up) He, however, dreaded to go into the chute at my vet’s office, but he did not fight us, but it broke my heart the 4th time because he whined in anticipation of the pain like a dog anticipating a whipping. I didn’t know cattle could whine.
When it came back the 5th time, I chose to put him and his mate down together. They had been together as yoke mates for 16 years and if one had died, the other would have grieved terribly.
Same circumstance (eye surgery) different cattle—one submitted and one fought. Dr. Temple Grandlin, a victim of autisim herself, has done a great deal of research on the psychology of animals and animal handling that is low stress. She has developed humane and safer handling facilities.
Even some breeders are aware that different breeds of animals have different “personalities” (obviously from genetics) just as the Spanish fighting bulls are bred for aggression my own cattle, Scottish Highlands, are generally very docile.
Sometimes knowing that my genetics and my past environment and current environment have such a large effect on my moods, my thinking, my intelligence, my ability to learn, to remember, makes me feel that I have NO free will, that I am simply a trained great ape responding to cues as I have been trained, and over which I have no control.
Yet, I know that is not true, that I DO HAVE CHOICES, and the consequences that go along with them. The poor man with the IQ of 59 who is now on death row may not have had enough “sense” to make good choices given his IQ and background, but I DO and I WILL, but also realizing that I AM influenced by genetics AND environment, but ultimately the CHOICES are mine, and the consequences too.
Dear Inquirente,
Your above post is very good, thank you for sharing that. thank you for supporting your niece to the best of your ability, and congratulations for getting away from these enablers and revisionists.
I’ve lived with revisionist history most or all of my life. Both from the abusers and the victims.
I am sure too, that your niece also “rewrote” history to stay in denial of what was going on around her, and that is a shame as well. Victims rewrite history so they can survive, but abusers rewrite history to cover up their bad deeds. To some extent we all do it, I think. But looking at the REAL things that are TRUE things helps us to re-write TOMORROW into a better story, a truer story, and live a better life in REALITY. Thanks!
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