One thing that’s certain about sociopaths and exploitive personalities generally: when it comes to relationships, they are the worst historians.
They are chronic historical revisionists—that is, they are constantly revising history.
And their revisions are headed in predictable directions—to make them look good, unguilty, unresponsible for the damage they’ve caused and, of course, whenever possible, to position themselves as the true victims of the circumstances.
And that’s, of course, when history interests them. And history will interest them, but only when they can use it against you. If it suits their need, say, to punish you for a decision you made in the past, even before you met them, abusers may use this knowledge of your history as a weapon of attack or control in perpetuity.
The issue on which they fixate, for instance, may pertain to a sexual relationship that predated your knowing them; they may have coaxed, if not coerced, this information from you, perhaps in the honeymoon phase of your relationship, on the pretext of their wanting to know, preciously, everything about you.
They will not have hinted at their truer, underlying motive: to stumble upon eternally damning evidence of your corruption for future, endless punitive purposes.
On the other hand, when history obstructs, rather than enables, the exploiter’s self-centered agenda, then surprise surprise, he will have no use for, or interest in, it whatsoever.
History (accurate history, that is) will instead loom as a great annoyance to be ignored, if not aggressively suppressed. In such cases, the exploiter is likely to frame your interest in the history of his exploitation of you as off-limits.
How ironic—suddenly the self-centered, chronic boundary violator invokes the sanctitude of his boundaries, fingering you as lacking respect for his space. This would be funny, if it wasn’t so not-funny.
The problem of the exploiter’s manipulation or censorship of relationship history is grave inasmuch as healthy relationships depend on partners processing their history together with integrity; and also with the aim of deepening their intimate connection through joint efforts to understand, and make mutual meaning, of their shared history.
When this process is corrupted, there is no chance for a healthy relationship.
The exploiter, by virtue of his underlying disdain of your integrity, boundaries and individuality, makes this vital collaborative process impossible. This is not a process he will ever feel motivated to engage; and it’s a process, in any case, that will overwhelm his deficient capacity for true intimacy.
(My use of “he” in this post was for convenience’s sake. This article is
copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
super chic
Easy… thank you, I watched about 10 minutes of it, does he ever say anything about it being something genetic? Passed from father to son? Maybe just comes out more severe in some than others?
BloggerT7165
Shabby,
I would take that video (and all of the ones by that person) with about a pound of salt. Try this link as a good starting point for your search – http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/aspergerssyndrome.html
BloggerT7165
Here is a link for your question about the genetic aspect of it – http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/asperger/detail_asperger.htm#115363080
Easy
A pound of salt is well worth more than all the drugs and hockey pucks that a psyciatrists well perscribe anyone! IMHO
Easy
http://www.spiritube.com/john-breeding/the-truth-about-adhd-video_eba0f4533.html
Easy
The first thing a person does is discredit A Dr. Phd in Psycology?????
Jewels
wow!
Hi Oxy,
Your post of Thursday, 27 August 2009 @ 10:00am – the “unplugged lamp” really is a great analogy for helping the helpless.
As it’s been said, and it’s not in the bible – “God helps those who help themselves.” Nothing I’ve read posted here, there or anywhere, illustrates this as much as your “unplugged lamp” dialogue.
I’ve added it to my arsenal for future counselling (internships and practice) as it is so very good. Thanks again for sharing your wisdom with us. Always en-“lightening” – lol
I start back to school Sept 21. Psychology and Criminal Justice – after our 3+ years experience and custody dispute with an “N,” I believe that I will make an exceptionally diligent Guardian ad Litem (Court Appointed Special Advocate, in some jurisdictions). My ultimate goal is to develop reasonable protocols for Parenting Classes, which the courts here require BOTH divorcing parties to take. We went to a really good one called “Consider the Children,” and it’s it a hope and goal of mine to unify an approach, and see that it is instituted state-wide here; so everyone (course leaders get the same training – parents get the same classes across the state) ends up on the same page when it comes to how their children, who didn’t CAUSE the divorce, end up experiencing the process.
My other goal as a G.A.L. will be to advocate quickly and efficiently for the best interests of the child/ren in a divorce.
Why? Because, although our G.A.L. was very good – he was as slow as maple sap in Vermont in February.
As a former Exec Admin Assist for a very large bank’s technology dept, I believe I know HOW to get things done in the most timely manner.
I hope to write a book about it, drawing on my reading here at LF, and from tailoring my educational experience specifically toward helping the kids learn to deal, process, and get on with their lives, regardless of which parent I end up recommending for custody. We are in a non-joint custody state, which means that one or the other of the parents gets sole legal, and primary residential custody.
I know this is a little off topic, I merely wanted to share how reading here, is being put to good use. GREAT comments and commaraderie here. *cheers, all*
~Jewels~
Jewels
ROFL – Matt, you are such a “card” – HAPPY TRAVELS, en kardia afilotimi – have a nice vacation!
Ox Drover
Easy,
It is unfortunate, but so many times PhDs. in ANY FIELD are narcissists, and the P. H. & D stand for PILED HIGHER AND DEEPER…
Because psychology has not been so much (until recently this has started to change) where the CAUSES and CURES for the problems were not really known or studied well, t here has been a lot of PSEUDO-science and errors in conclusions, just as there was in medicine before the discovery of the germ.
Though the western discovery of vaccination for small pox was discovered by both an American and a British woman about the same time (just before the American revolution), I just read a pamplet written by a doctor in 1914, some 35 years later who proposed that vaccination of any kind was what CAUSED THE DISEASES themselves.
Even when the bacterial cause of stomach ulcers was discovered several decades ago it took YEARS AND YEARS even with modern communication and education for that word to spread to physicians world wide.
Psychology has come a long way and has learned that many mental illnesses are GENETIC, or partly caused by genetics, but it is only now being recognized. Many people though still cling to outdated ideas put forward decades ago. Since the human psyche cannot be put under a microscope to study like bacteria, advancement will be slower, but better treatments are being developed, more causes are being seen as both genetic and environmental, not environmental alone.
The belief systems of lay people will take even longer to change than for professional belief systems to change through education. I was reading last night about some psychology experiments on “beliefs” held by college students, and how they persisted, even in light of demonstrated scientific evidence to the contrary right in front of them.
I don’t know if you remember a proported “psychic” named Uri Geller who could supposedly bend spoons with his mind. He was quite a good magician and faker, but eventually was proven a FRAUD…yet, even after he was proven a fraud, and some of his fans would say “Yes, he DID fake it SOMETIMES, but I still believe he actually DID IT SOMETIMES.”
The same article I was reading also told how to fake a psychic “reading” that actually said NOTHING, but yet something like 99% of the people who had this supposedly said about them from a “personality test” thought it was WRITTEN ESPECIALLY FOR THEM, and yet everyone in the class had the same “analysis” in front of them. Even when it was told to the people that they all had the SAME “analysis” and that it was a fake, 52% of them still didn’t believe it, and thought it described them perfectly.
Psychopaths and other con men/women learn almost instinctively how to do this, how to convince their victim that they “know” us, that we “need them” etc.—this sort of thing has been going on “forever” since the first “medicine man” or “witch” learned slight of hand to convince the tribe they had supernatural powers when of course they did not. The psychopaths in our lives and their “slight of emotion” in which they pretended to love us when they did not, is the perfect example of the faker. We just need to learn to recognize the fake from the real by not falling for the “too good to be ture.”
skylar
A real wife:
kudos to you for starting school and moving forward.