From time to time, Lovefraud hears from men who complain that we talk about male sociopaths but not female sociopaths. Actually, I was very careful to refer to both men and women in every post on the main website, Lovefraud.com. And here on the Lovefraud Blog, we do have a category devoted to female sociopaths. But the fact it, approximately 80 percent of Lovefraud readers are women who were exploited by sociopathic men. So yes, it does seem that Lovefraud tilts towards male predators.
That’s why a website called ThePsychoExWife.com is an important resource.
I first learned about this website last week from the following story in the Philadelphia Inquirer:
Divorce blog’s rancor erupts in free-speech dispute
Here’s the gist of the story: A suburban Philadelphia man and his wife split up six years ago, after a nine-year marriage. However, the child custody battle raged on, featuring antics by the ex-wife that will look very familiar to those of you who are attempting to co-parent with sociopaths.
So the ex-husband and his new partner launched ThePsychoExWife.com as a place to vent. No names are used. The ex-husband is identified only as “LM.” His new partner is “DW.” His two sons are “S1” and “S2.” And his ex-wife is “PEW.” This stands for, as you can guess, “Psycho Ex Wife.”
Apparently the website was up for several years, and recently PEW found it. LM contends that, because no one is identified, PEW had to be actively looking for it in order to discover it. He also contends that PEW showed the website to their two boys.
PEW complained about the website to the court. Here’s what happened next, according to the article:
At a June 6 custody hearing, Bucks County Court Judge Diane Gibbons ordered him to “take down that website” and never again refer to his ex-wife “on any public media” or mention his children online “other than ‘happy birthday’ or other significant school events.”
Judge Gibbons essentially threatened LM—if he did not take ThePsychoExWife.com down, he would lose his 50% custody of the children.
LM contends that the court order is a violation of his First Amendment right of free speech. He’s hired another lawyer to appeal it.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Based on the theatrics and manipulation exhibited by the ex-wife, LM has come to the conclusion that she has borderline personality disorder.
Borderline personality disorder is a sister condition to sociopathy. Like sociopaths and narcissists, someone who has this disorder has difficulty recognizing the feelings and needs of others. They also tend to have unstable emotions, on-and-off mood changes, and emotional reactions that are out of proportion to whatever events have triggered them. So what is different? Unlike sociopathy, a central feature of borderline disorder is anxiety.
Researchers estimate that 1% to 3% of the United States has borderline personality disorder—the same prevalence as antisocial personality disorder. However, according to the DSM-IV, about 75% of those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are women. “You should know that there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled ”˜borderline,’” wrote Dr. Liane Leedom in her Lovefraud Blog article, Sociopaths, cluster B personality disorders and psychopathy. “These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.”
PEW admits that she has an alcohol problem, she has lost her job and her house is in foreclosure. Reading her emails that have been reproduced on the website, she appears manipulative and blaming. I’d say LM’s assessment of her is correct.
So ThePsychoExWife.com has become a resource for people dealing with a woman with borderline personality disorder. According to testimonials, even therapists find the website to be helpful.
Save the site
LM has complied with the court order and the home page of ThePsychoExWife.com has been shut down. But a new website has been launched, SaveThePsychoExWife.com. This website chronicles the court battle and posts several court documents. The transcript of the hearing in which Judge Diane E. Gibbons ordered the website shut down is enlightening.
Apparently, pages of original site, ThePsychoExWife.com, are buried in Google’s servers, because you can still find them. Here’s the About page, which will enable you to read other pages.
LM and DW face an expensive court battle, and are asking for donations to help defray their legal expenses. This website is providing information about a serious personality disorder. Hundreds of people have benefitted from ThePsychoExWife.com, and we know how helpful an online support group can be.
This is an important case for Lovefraud. We’ve run into First Amendment issues before. Phil Haberman was able to convince a family court judge in Florida that his ex-wife was stalking him when she wrote a blog exposing his military fraud. The Stolen Valor Act has been struck down, with federal judges ruling that the lies of men who claim to have won medals is protected speech.
Information about personality disorders needs to be made public, and frauds need to be exposed. But the law about blogs and the First Amendment is very unclear. So I’ve donated, and I encourage you to donate as well.
UPDATE:
ThePsychoExWife.com will be featured on the Today Show tomorrow morning. Tune in!
One….feel better darlen….Pout away if that is gonna relieve some pressure on ya! XXOO
Ana….Change your password!
Hens….Yes….2 Mil….if I had 2 mil….I sure as shiat wouldn’t be crawling under my house looking for the damn musty smell at 11pm!
You would have gotten a chuckle at me digging up this 4 inch, randomly poured 3 ft. piece of concrete on my embankement under the full moon and then flinging a pick ax all around the area hoping to hear the PING of a paint can! Jr. asked how I got the slab up by myself…..I said SHEER determination and adreneline!!! 🙂
Skylar……Holly has proven to be a wonderful addition to our family! Since we’ve moved, she’s ‘even more’ by my side each step I take. I moved down to a queen size bed and she now sleeps right up on me, nose in my neck….all night! The kids laugh because she’ll hang out with them…..but if I go downstairs or leave……she follows right behind me. They try to keep her with them, bribe her etc….she won’t have any of it….she wants her mamma! She’s very intimidating looking and has a nasty bark…….which helps keeping people away or at least on guard.
When I find that 2 mil I ‘stole’……I let ya all know and we can have a party at my new ‘cabin’ in the clearing. I’ll make sure I build it with plenty of guest cottages scattered around that spring fed creek! A dance floor in the middle of the clearing so we can all dance together under the full moon……maybe even to Johnny Cash! I’ll even provide a walker for OneStep and an amiable Dr in case of illness or injuries for your visit.
Ya’ll take care……get better, stay healthy, keep your heads up, avoid trouble, make that money and build your dreams!!!
XXOO
EB
Morning, EB: Long time no read. I trust and pray you are well and doing alright. I was here reading and happened to see your post and thought I should give you a little update on my progress.
I went total NC 3-1/2 months ago (FOR THE 5TH TIME IN THE PAST YEAR; IT USUALLY CAN GO NO LONGER THAN 3 MONTHS BEFORE REACHING OUT AGAIN) and although it’s like trying to kick a heroin addiction, cold turkey, although I don’t ever recall attempting it but can summise it has to be like the most horrid thing-I am making progress, I do believe; at least that’s what they are telling me!
I FINALLY have the stalking ceased, just about hmm…let me see…3 weeks ago ? I am thinking more like 2. Give or take. I have been through INTENSIVE EMDR since I saw you last, which has helped me a lot but the ruminations and the insanity still continues.
“IT” is on the verge of federal charges and the only hope “IT” has for surviving the eventual ONSLAUGHT of legal issues, would be to commit “ITSELF” to a hospital for extensive treatment. But, of course, “IT” wont. “IT” is going to keep monstering around until it truly instantaneously murders someone and DOESN’T walk away or someone does some harm to “IT” for mind boggling reasons, I am quite sure.
I am coming out of the haze now. After 5 years of solid, 24/7 programming and conditioning and grooming, through mind control, I am starting to see the light through the haze. The only thing is, when I come through that ring of fire, completely, I will see HATE standing there, waiting for me; I am not quite sure I can control the amount of RAGE and HATE that I feel swelling up inside me, just at the realization of being so very betrayed. Another brick wall built by the spath…no escape from the hatred, I am sure.
“IT” will NEVER find another love like mine was for “IT”. “IT” knows that, yet, “IT” tried to purposely harm me. That is quite a shock when you didn’t even expect it. I mean to realize that THAT was your “BEST FRIEND”???? That’s more than a disappointment, that is a shock. I have been living in this state of shock for going on 6 years pretty soon now. I was sucked in by one deception after another. I believed every word. I trusted so completely. Only to be threatened with murder; to be assaulted not physically but rest assuredly, psychologically and emotionally as well as sometimes medically, in unspeakable ways; my mind was completely controlled and all of this happened over the internet, mostly but phone calls were always persistent. He would ‘stop by’ once a year. He was (not until I found out much later) texting me, sitting next to his wife. He was sneaking out of the house to call me and lying and deceiving his wife the whole time. But, it wasn’t just with me. It was with a stable of others, I eventually found out. Yes, I left myself wide open but it was all done so skillfully. And when all was said and done, it was ALL MY FAULT and everyone knows that is not true except for him. But you see, that doesn’t matter…he still tried to kill me and has threatened me several times for unfounded reasons. IF I DESERVED IT I COULD SAY I DID but I have NEVER been NOTHING but a best friend that anyone could ever be to anyone else.
“Empath”; that is what I am. I hide myself from the majority of the world because I am abused and I don’t and haven’t for a long time subjected myself to the ugliness that exists. I let “IT” in. The one person in just about 12 years and this is where I end up. But, of course, we KNOW sociopaths/psychopaths have no conscious. They don’t feel ‘love’ nor ‘affection’ like we do. They lack the capability to have important things in their life like honesty, virtue, loyalty, compassion. They aren’t built like we are. And I exclude ourselves from this because if we WERE like them, we wouldn’t be searching for the answers from our hearts; now, would we? Let’s at least be honest with ourselves and give ourselves that pat on the back that is truly deserved.
They try to turn the tables around and say it is “US” who are the crazy ones – 🙂 hahahahahahaha I guess I am. Truly. For thinking it was good to care about someone. To be that one unconditional friend to follow someone I loved, with all my heart and being, straight into hell just to be there to hold his hand. To never give up and to always hope. It doesn’t work that way in THEIR WORLD. They do not know nor appreciate that kind of love and affection. Sometimes all we CAN do is let go.
I know that this is a very very bitter pill to swallow but there ARE people in this world who don’t operate on the same principles as the rest of us, it seems. Yes, Virginia, THERE IS evil alive and breathing in this world. There ARE people who would no sooner take your last breath from you IF YOU ALLOW THEM. That is especially a bitter pill when that person turns out to be someone you have loved very much. It’s devastating.
For me, it was devastating in just about every sense of the word.
But, I AM getting stronger physically now. I got good reports on the heart: no discussion of further surgery for another 3 months. 🙂 I spent every day last week having tests done and am SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WEEK but so far have played hooky and not called for any appointments as the doctor ordered! 🙂
I hope you are doing well EB….
Blessings and light to you…
Duped_In_SoCal
and now, thanks to hens: you can call me “DUPEY” 🙂 xxoo
Dupey…..Don’t ya just love Hens!!! 🙂
The one thing that I have not let myself believe…..is that ALL people are bad! I know better and from the getgo….I have looked for authenticity after being duped. I explained to my SIL just last week…….on a vacation we all shared….that her ‘recommendations’ to me were unfounded due to the fact she has never taken the time to understand what ‘we’ lived! I choose to surround myself with honesty and genuine feelings from others at this point in my life. It takes work and selectivity on my part to accomplish this. I have let support in and removed from my life the ‘takers’. At first ‘red flag’ or concern, or wtf moment…..your gone. I give no chances. This is my way of protecting myself from finding ‘trouble’ again.
I ‘judge’ people on a variety and cross reference type of ‘ladder’ now. I don’t care ‘who’ you are, ‘who’ you are friends with, how much money you have, what you can do for me…..if we give into the ‘pulls’ of our anxiety about ‘what’ we can ‘get’ from someone……it’ll surely blow up in our face at some point. I am much more free to just like someone because I see how they treat their children, parents, employees, animals……if they take the ‘edge’ in a situation or not……if they are there for me and genuinely care and follow through and not just offer lip service. It’s all about walking the walk…..and not talking the talk.
I also pay attention to how they receive my friendship……and ‘if’ they want something from me….other than a genuine friendship. I go with no agendas………
The people I cut loose from my life had agendas….I just refused to see it at that time. Looking back, I see it all clearly now and i’ve chosen to take a different path.
We’ve been hurt, we’ve been downtrodden……but it is truely up to US to climb back out and make the life WE want for ourselves. It’s a tough climb, especially when health issues are involved. But, we must live….moment to moment.
I’m glad your stalking issues are subsiding……I ‘get’ that game! It’s sucks and steals so much of our lives!!!
I do believe and was discussing with a friend…..that we get to a point where we no longer will allow the crap. We can’t change their behaviors…..but if we build a ‘safety’ net around us…..ie arm up….alarm systems, neighbors looking out, get a dog, the police awareness, and follow through with our legal rights to file reports etc……then really……we must accept whatever ‘may’ happen after that….unless we choose to live in constant fear! I refuse! I’m aware, but I won’t let him do anything easily OR without consequences.
Spath called the kids recently…..and kids told him to fuck off, you’re dead. He called back dozens of times with no answer…….he got the point! Now he cries about it on FB…..how the kids are ‘ass’s to him’. Well darlen…..what comes around goes around. The funny thing is…..spaths kids are older teens…..and naturally, when he bitches about his X brainwhashing his children….they ask “how old are they” and he tells them……the dynamics of the conversation change right there….because these people are thinking his kids are like 7…babies. No one in their right mind believes a 19 year old can be harnessed…….and he exposes himself!
He does it ALL on his own! I’m in ‘Operation Backfire” mode…..and the nice part is…..I don’t have to do a thing!!!
He doesn’t consume me like he did……I am mindful of not living in a ‘jail’ HE created.
When I was on vacation….I was sitting on the hotel deck, right off the parking lot…..and it hit me…..I was NOT even thinking of ‘where’ he could be hiding…behind cars, watching us from the lake etc……there was NO way he could know where we were! I decided to come home with that feeling and live in my new house with this feeling. Enjoy the decks, horse around with the kids in the yard, not wondering if he’s watching us or not. Watch us…fuck you, I don’t care! If you want a bullet between your eyes….then show your face, kick in our door, enter my property……bring it on fucker!
Stress is a big ‘sick maker’……..you know this! My health is good now……I have no ‘new’ problems…..(well, other than my knee hurting from too much bending etc….during my move)……but i’m in charge of my health now…..nobody else! Try to recognize ALL your stressors…..and eliminate them the best you can. YOU will be the winner!!! Realize what you can’t and can control and take control.
Have faith in others…..but only those which deserve your faith. Start small….test yourself…..allow ONE new person into your life……and test the friendship with every word, action and intention. You will soon find…..that there ARE good people out there.
Once we move out of the journey of it being all about ‘what’ happened to us……and allow ourselves to have ‘normal’ conversations where we are not consumed with the spath and the negativity……we start attracting good people our way. Victims seek like kind. and vs. versa.
I want to help others…..but I don’t want it to be the crux of my friendships any more. I look for the give and take…..but not the caretaking. Believe it or not…..as much as we all have a ‘story’ to tell…..we don’t ALL have to make it be the center of our universe. Some things are best kept under wraps at certain times when developing new friendships.
I remember going on a few dates early on….I’d promise myself….EB…your NOT going to mention cancer OR the Ex…..and do you think I could keep my mouth shut…..NO! A segway would lead into me identifying with someones ‘story’ and it would spew out…..and i’d be so pissed at myself later!!!! Now….as my journey and time has elapsed…..I am successful at not speaking about ME or my journey……I am more interested in someone getting to know ME for ME….and NOT my story. This also allows for healthier relationships with others. I’ll tell ya…..people have a statute of limitations on others pain. The best way to allienate ourselves in the ‘real’ world….is continueing to be the victims. Victims of our health….or of another…..it just doesn’t matter.
So……..don’t lose faith in humanity……we are walking this earth with others…..we may as well share in the joy that others can offer us. (but with a new found knowlege of ‘who’ to let in!!).
Glad your heart issues are getting better……get back in and complete your tests……and then….get back out into life again! Have faith!!!!
XXOO
EB
Thank you EB for sharing your thoughts and your heart.
Thanks, too, for all your wishes ~ I wish the same right back at ya!
It’s a long journey but I am getting there….
slowly but surely.
The stalking was just simply unbelievable and like a 12 year old was doing it. Seriously. Most times it would make me laugh. It was like for once “I” was and/or am finally capturing it’s attention? WHAT does it WANT from me NOW? Only thing is: there shall be no more contact. Not from me. That part of my life that contained that nightmare known as my ex spath, is now a past part of my life and I so agree with you: our past has no place in the now or in the future. I never ‘kiss and tell’ but it sure has a way of grinding itself into our persona’s; doesn’t it?
The only way to alleviate ourselves from the torture of it all is to do just like you said: “Jump into life!” The water is maybe a little cold to start off with, but after a while, you’ll get used to it. What other option is there when you leave yourself no place to go but forward? 🙂
It shall always be difficult for me to have faith in others. I have given my trust too many times to be deceived. After you go through that a few times, it makes you just grateful to be alone in the peace and quiet. And, I am of the age, now, and of the medical condition, that I just can’t allow anymore of this chaos and drama about me and my life.
I am sorry “IT” is a sick person; I truly loved and cared about it and tried to help it but you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves or they just end up devouring you. ALIVE.
Thanks so much, EB for your inspiration. When I grow up, I want to be just like you, Dearest…you take good care of yourself.
XXOO
Dupey
P.S. And yes: hard to not love hens; isn’t it? ~ xxoo hens
EB, I love that “people have a statute of limitations on other people’s pain” Boy, if that ain’t the truth, there ain’t no truth! LOL Good phrase and I am gonna steal it!
Don’t stay gone so long, Saturday night moon dances are boring without you!
I wish we could post directly under others comments that we read but, alas, we cannot.
I agree with Donna that the DSM is not always reliable as anything human-made is not ever 100%. However, my gut tells me that there are NOT as many female sociopaths as males. I have studied psychology as a graduate student and in the school of hard knocks and I just don’t believe that men and woman are equally pathologically sociopathic, though I’m open to more research in the area, of course.
Second, as many of you are certainly aware, relaying a conversation you had with anyone to anyone else that is only one sided can absolutely sound like the other side is a complete nut job but that is not always the case. We all filter information, even “facts” through our own lenses/disorders (and we all have some!). One of the things I struggled with for a long time after beginning the healing from my serial rapist path is knowing what was mine to examine and evolve from and what had nothing to do with me. The reason I struggled so hard defining what was mine was because he would tell his friends and my friends (like all good paths do!) stories about some crazy thing I did but he would completely forget to tell them what he had done to invoke my rath, meaning his endless demands and bull shit. Any rational person would eventually lose their shit if pressed hard enough. I am not going to read PEW because it is sexist at best and dangerous to all humans at worst but my feeling is that even what seems like the most obvious disorder from her may very well be reactions to his disorder. At the very least, they are BOTH disordered and acting out in ways that will surely harm their children. I further find it odd that he’s complaining that she found his site. I’m sure it was hard to miss even if names were not used. That proves nothing to me about who’s the more disordered.
Dear Whybother,
You can contact me directly, you don’t have to go through Donna. I am listed under LoveFraud authors by my name, Joyce Alexander. Feel free to contact me under that e mail address.
The DSM is an ever changing bulls eye and like many things it is a “horse designed by a committee—a CAMEL.” Everyone has to put their own humps on it.
Even though it is changing, psychology and psychological medicine is not a “hard science” yet, but as more and more OBJECTIVE (measurable) criteria are found in the brain and in genetics, then the ability to diagnose problems of the mind/brain will be easier. I’d love to be around in 100 years to see what they know about psychopathy then!
Sorry about that. I just found your address and sent you an email. Thanks!
:+)
whybother,
I think maybe the question of whether there are more spath men than women, is related to the question of the “sort of sociopath”.
Men tend to be less afraid of consequences in general. And they will show violence more often. But female spaths learn to do their dirty work under the radar. They put on the sugar and spice and everything nice, while undermining your confidence, sabotaging friendships and putting you through the emotional wringer while you are completely unaware.
My spath, though male and a murderer and a pedophile, was actually rather non-violent. Yes, he could fly into rages, but he never hit me. Even his rages were staged/acting. He murdered by sabotaging machines and he poisoned me to make me sick. I was completely unaware because he showed love and concern – at times. He didn’t do his spath deeds with violence. In these ways, he was like a female spath. And if you didn’t know his true self, you might call him a loveable, sort of spath.
The thing that makes us waffle on how toxic a person is, is that we don’t WANT to believe it. The red flags spell it out: lack of empathy, envious, lying and no conscience. That’s all you need to be a serial murderer as easily as a smiling backstabbing slanderer, or a Bernie Madoff. But they seem so nice. That’s why I think there are just as many female as male spaths.
Okay, Skylar, it is certainly possible there are as many female paths (undiagnosed) as men but I’m not convinced and I still estimate that they are less physically violent than men by far overall. I am not arguing that the backstabbing and manipulation cannot ruin a life but if you are female yourself, it is usually relatively easy to leave those female paths behind. That is where personal responsibility comes in and certainly anyone on this site knows how to spot and run from a path! It’s not so easy to run when you are married to one.
Women can be incredibly mean and destructive to other women, even in grade school (girl on girl violence, etc.) but I still argue that is learned behavior and culturally enforced (woman genitally cutting other woman bc the culture demands it) and I don’t know if it is 100% sociopathic in all cases.