From time to time, Lovefraud hears from men who complain that we talk about male sociopaths but not female sociopaths. Actually, I was very careful to refer to both men and women in every post on the main website, Lovefraud.com. And here on the Lovefraud Blog, we do have a category devoted to female sociopaths. But the fact it, approximately 80 percent of Lovefraud readers are women who were exploited by sociopathic men. So yes, it does seem that Lovefraud tilts towards male predators.
That’s why a website called ThePsychoExWife.com is an important resource.
I first learned about this website last week from the following story in the Philadelphia Inquirer:
Divorce blog’s rancor erupts in free-speech dispute
Here’s the gist of the story: A suburban Philadelphia man and his wife split up six years ago, after a nine-year marriage. However, the child custody battle raged on, featuring antics by the ex-wife that will look very familiar to those of you who are attempting to co-parent with sociopaths.
So the ex-husband and his new partner launched ThePsychoExWife.com as a place to vent. No names are used. The ex-husband is identified only as “LM.” His new partner is “DW.” His two sons are “S1” and “S2.” And his ex-wife is “PEW.” This stands for, as you can guess, “Psycho Ex Wife.”
Apparently the website was up for several years, and recently PEW found it. LM contends that, because no one is identified, PEW had to be actively looking for it in order to discover it. He also contends that PEW showed the website to their two boys.
PEW complained about the website to the court. Here’s what happened next, according to the article:
At a June 6 custody hearing, Bucks County Court Judge Diane Gibbons ordered him to “take down that website” and never again refer to his ex-wife “on any public media” or mention his children online “other than ‘happy birthday’ or other significant school events.”
Judge Gibbons essentially threatened LM—if he did not take ThePsychoExWife.com down, he would lose his 50% custody of the children.
LM contends that the court order is a violation of his First Amendment right of free speech. He’s hired another lawyer to appeal it.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Based on the theatrics and manipulation exhibited by the ex-wife, LM has come to the conclusion that she has borderline personality disorder.
Borderline personality disorder is a sister condition to sociopathy. Like sociopaths and narcissists, someone who has this disorder has difficulty recognizing the feelings and needs of others. They also tend to have unstable emotions, on-and-off mood changes, and emotional reactions that are out of proportion to whatever events have triggered them. So what is different? Unlike sociopathy, a central feature of borderline disorder is anxiety.
Researchers estimate that 1% to 3% of the United States has borderline personality disorder—the same prevalence as antisocial personality disorder. However, according to the DSM-IV, about 75% of those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder are women. “You should know that there is a gender bias in diagnosis such that women are often labeled ”˜borderline,’” wrote Dr. Liane Leedom in her Lovefraud Blog article, Sociopaths, cluster B personality disorders and psychopathy. “These women can also be sociopaths who leave a trail of victimized friends, lovers and children in their wakes.”
PEW admits that she has an alcohol problem, she has lost her job and her house is in foreclosure. Reading her emails that have been reproduced on the website, she appears manipulative and blaming. I’d say LM’s assessment of her is correct.
So ThePsychoExWife.com has become a resource for people dealing with a woman with borderline personality disorder. According to testimonials, even therapists find the website to be helpful.
Save the site
LM has complied with the court order and the home page of ThePsychoExWife.com has been shut down. But a new website has been launched, SaveThePsychoExWife.com. This website chronicles the court battle and posts several court documents. The transcript of the hearing in which Judge Diane E. Gibbons ordered the website shut down is enlightening.
Apparently, pages of original site, ThePsychoExWife.com, are buried in Google’s servers, because you can still find them. Here’s the About page, which will enable you to read other pages.
LM and DW face an expensive court battle, and are asking for donations to help defray their legal expenses. This website is providing information about a serious personality disorder. Hundreds of people have benefitted from ThePsychoExWife.com, and we know how helpful an online support group can be.
This is an important case for Lovefraud. We’ve run into First Amendment issues before. Phil Haberman was able to convince a family court judge in Florida that his ex-wife was stalking him when she wrote a blog exposing his military fraud. The Stolen Valor Act has been struck down, with federal judges ruling that the lies of men who claim to have won medals is protected speech.
Information about personality disorders needs to be made public, and frauds need to be exposed. But the law about blogs and the First Amendment is very unclear. So I’ve donated, and I encourage you to donate as well.
UPDATE:
ThePsychoExWife.com will be featured on the Today Show tomorrow morning. Tune in!
Dancing, I think that there is more than one definition of “forgiveness”—-my egg donor INSISTED, DEMANDED that it meant to “pretend like it didn’t happen, even though you knew they’d do it again” DUH?
Nah, I never was quite able to buy that definition, what I finally did buy is that EVER LASTING RANCOR and BITTERNESS against the people who have done me wrong is POISON TO MY SOUL, so I equate “forgiveness” with getting that BITTERNESS out of my heart and soul and head. It does NOT mean that I trust them again, or that I want to associate with them, that I do not fear them, it simply means I don’t “swallow a poison and expect them to die!” LOL
Remaining continually STRESSED, agitated, excited, and ANGRY or ENRAGED about what happened in the past is not going to make me a better, calmer, more peaceful, more tranquail or happier person. Bitterness is like CANCER it eats the person from the inside out. lt eats the SOUL and spirit of a person. I do not want to continue to experience the mental and physical aspects brought on by those feelings. So yea, I can “forgive” and while I may never “forget” I can turn loose of the bad emotions that go with remembering, and find peace and contentment.
Longtime lurker here. I can see both sides of this. On the one hand he does seem to be a little full of himself describing her as Jaba the Hut with less personality and he mentions she was tipping the scales at 280 lbs. But he describes himself as looking and feeling 10 years younger than he actually is and mentioning how hot his new wife is. So, I think to myself is he a little narcissitic or is that just his sense of humor. I really hope it is his sense of humor. The other issue is, let’s be real, she was attractive enough at one point for him to have sex with and marry…so she can’t be that repulsive.
I do believe this guy was put through the ringer with his ex-wife and I feel bad for him. I believe she does probably have a personality disorder. I dealt with a lady recently who I believe has borderline personality disorder and let me tell you it was an exhasperating experience for me. It does seem like he was beat up and broken on a regular basis. So, I can understand how LM feels after being with this person for 10 years and having children with them…I imagine there is a lot of anger and hurt.
I agree with freedom of speech and his right to vent as long as the children are the priority. I don’t believe the opposite of love is hate…it’s apathy. Holding on to that much anger, frustration, and hate…it is not healthy.
Picking apart how she chooses to parent, how she feeds the kids junk food, how many gifts she gives them…right or wrong that is her parenting style and no one can control that. I would also think if this woman does have borderline personality disorder…how would she know how to parent otherwise. Clearly, her home life was such that she didn’t develop past a certain age so how would you expect her to parent the way a normal person would. Ultimately, he can’t change that he had children with his PEW but he can change how he responds to her and her behavior.
Dear JessicaR,
Welcome to LF, thanks for your post. I agree with you that it (the whole situation) is unhealthy for the kids…and while junk food may not be the best food for them, he is not in control of what she feeds them when they are with her and vice versa. This continual stirring of the cess pool of that PAST relationship isn’t good for anyone or healthy for the kids.
He isn’t going to get more cooperation from her by venting on this web site and calling her names…..it isn’t about WHO is right, or who is the MOST right, it is about doing what is best for your kids even if you are very pissed off.
Thank you Ox Drover and I agree with you.
Welcome Jessica,
I saw them both on MSNBC in a video. She looks quite nice and he looks like her brother (they look alike).
She comes across as very quiet. He, as full of himself. But that may just be the spin from the media.
What I am noticing though is that HE is the one stirring the pot. HE is the one that creates and revels in DRAMA. I don’t see her playing machievellian games. He says he wants to help others who are dealing with the aftermath of divorce and child custody, but they got a 50/50 custody arrangement so why is he angry?
She works and he admits to being unemployed. Yet somehow she got a small $3-400/mo child support? He is always complaining about money and dental bills that were unnecessary.
In this drama, I see that he does not attempt at healing or peace. Name calling and derogatory, inflammatory descriptions of her – with no truth whatsoever (she doesn’t look like Java the hutt, she looks like HIM).
These behaviors are childish and therefore redflags to me.
She might be a terrible person and hiding it, but for all I can see, she shows no drama and he even says she has less personality than Java the hutt, so that indicates that he finds her boring. Could she be gray rocking him?
No one is perfect, but the red flags are what we look for in determining the disordered personality. And so far, he’s the one waving them.
OxDrover- I feel that if one allows themselves to process their anger, process their pain, all the emotions that have come with the injustice- I think they will be able to move on. What I find to be erroneous with the traditional understanding of forgiveness is that it is kind of blindly applied to just about everything- it has been bastardized to the point of incredulity. I don’t even think that one needs to worry about forgiveness in regard to the psychopath – i DO accept that others will have their own personal ways of processing and getting through the situation, and their trauma that will be necessary to work through- however I just think that the emphasis on forgiveness has been too strong- most people don’t even grasp what forgiveness really is. So while I accept that other people have their own ways of going about healing and process their trauma- I wanted to make it known that forgiveness is absolutely not necessary in regard to the psychopath. Anger, sadness, all of these emotions under the sun must be felt and processed– and it is only through this that one will be able to heal and feel whole again. I don’t think that in the absence of “forgiveness” one will just be bitter and resentful- emotions, like all things, if paid attention to and given the time- will pass. That’s their purpose- to be felt, and processed, and learned from. I respect that everyone has their own methods for healing through the terrible mess that was the encounter with the P- I just wanted to bring an oft misunderstood topic to light.
Dancingnancies,
I agree, the concept of “forgiveness” has been morphed into something it is NOT meant to be—religiously or otherwise—and emotions DO need to be processed and dealt with, but what I am referring to is the HOLDING ON TO, THE CLUTCHING TO OUR BREASTS OF TOXIC BITTERNESS….HATRED, etc.
So I think you and I are actually saying the same thing. We both agree that the BITTERNESS and WRATH must be processed and dealt with. Unfortunately, I’ve seen way too many people in the name of “Oh, I can NEVER FORGIVE HIM” just hang on to that toxic waste which rots their soul! I think that may be what the guy with the web site is doing….not sure that from OUTSIDE we can know the complete dynamics of that relationship but I will be willing to bet that is is VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL for the kids, and they are the ones that My heart goes out to.
Donna has as much “right” as anyone to blast men and to make this site a man hating blasting negative site, but it is anything but. This site is while also having “true love fraud stories” is NOT about ONLY ONE relationship, or one psychopath or one love fraud, but about people learning to deal with ANY psychopathic type person, any toxic person…and learning to HEAL rather than just vent and bash some one, or some gender.
Well my take on the situation is that forgiveness isn’t even necessary to be considered in respect to the psychopath- that, I feel is the one place where our opinions might diverge ( not that this is a negative thing. This is where I say- we all have different approaches to healing, different perspectives, different journeys. I respect that. ) … I genuinely feel that if one processes their anger & other feelings ( meaning : allows themselves to feel it- invite it, and not be afraid of it ) that healing will come. That they will be able to move on, beyond the trauma and be able to look to the future, towards a fresh perspective on life, as well as towards building new experiences and memories.
So, that said- as long as one processes their trauma and feelings associated with it- the feelings won’t “eat them alive”. The feelings will only eat one alive ( apologies for the rather vulgar expression, lol ) if they are tucked beneath the veil of our consciousness. But what I do concede is that everyone will find their own way of processing the situation… we’re not robots. I just think it is important to emphasize that “forgiveness” in regard to the psychopath is absolutely not necessary ( a personal choice- yes. )
Of course, moving forward in healing involves other things as well– besides just processing the emotions- it also involves coming to an understanding over the situation, coming to terms with the fact that one was powerless in the midst of the trauma and thus could not control what had happened to them, feeling empowered to move beyond one’s circumstances. There are a host of other things one must grapple with. It is a deeply personal and multi-faceted journey. Not at all can it just be pigeonholed to one factor. I think that’s what you might be trying to address..
I think anger and feeling negative emotions in its various forms have been stigmatized in our culture- almost made taboo- I think we as a collective society need to rekindle our relationship with knowing it’s perfectly healthy and just, to feel what you’re feeling- regardless of whether it fits into the mold of what is socially acceptable or not. What I believe will lead to negative consequences is stuffing all your feelings down- not feeling them- THAT will handicap a person- because they are not facing the truth of their soul’s condition. That I feel will bring about that “toxic” stranglehold you depicted in your post. Not the absence of forgiveness.
I found this quote a couple weeks back and thought it’d be relevant here. It’s so true.
“If you shut up truth and bury it under the ground it will but grow and gather to itself such explosive power that the day it bursts through it will blow up everything in its way.”
– Emil Zola J ‘Accuse
Nancy,
This is a great topic and one which really needs more exploration. Just defining forgiveness is a stumble.
If we define forgiveness as a “feeling” toward someone who has offended us, and we decide NOT to forgive, then what “feeling” are we choosing? What feeling can I have toward my spath, which will not 1) leave me open to another attack? and 2) not leave me embittered?
Or is forgiveness, not a feeling at all? Is it instead, a state of mind – an intellectual construct or a perspective?
I would be very interested to hear your answer.
For me, I mostly don’t have much rancor towards my spath, just some fear and lots of disgust. Occasionally, the anger will surface, but it doesn’t really bother me most of the time.
But this lack of rancor, might not be forgiveness, it might be habit. For as long as I’ve known him, I never held him responsible for anything he did. I don’t know how he managed to make me think/feel this way, but it’s still there. As successful as he has been at murder and even at making money, I still think of him as a bumbling idiot. It’s hard to stay angry at a clown.
Everyone else that is a spath in my life, even though they aren’t half as evil, actually make me much angrier, I think. I just think they should know better.
sky – your post is a very important one; thank you.
i want to put forward the possibility that your internal system is still protecting him or your connection to ‘what was’ in some way. abused kids are often not angry with their worst abusers – ever. stockholm syndrome.
i mostly want to smack the spath… still. every time i see the exploitation from another angle, i want to smack her. i think that this is good – the anger wants to hit the target. the anger is not turned into depression. it is not frozen. I hold her accountable. SHE is the one that brought this evil into my life. I have responsibility in it also – but she is accountable for every slimy piece of crap thing she has ever done – and should be smacked for everyone of them. twice.