Many people think that women who’ve been snared by a psychopathic con artist are weak, gullible and lacking in self-esteem.
Well, many people are wrong.
In a recent article for SheKnows.com, author Kiri Blakeley lists seven traits that make women vulnerable to psychopaths. They’re not what you may think.
Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com, was quoted in the article.
7 traits psychopaths are attracted to, on SheKnows.com.
We need to be careful about pathologizing victims with labels. I personally will need to see citations before considering this trait theory. Were I in your shoes, I’d be loathe to consider publishing anything to create a profile of victims of psychopathic abuse unless there was mega-data to support it. At least show me a study that involves assessing the victim’s “traits” PRIOR to the abuse and then you’ll have my attention. I haven’t seen these patterns in my experiences in support groups and online communities for victims. As far as I can see, ANYONE can be successfully targeted and conned. As for whether or not I would recommend setting boundaries with a Psychopath, it depends on how much access he/she has to you. In a relationship, setting boundaries will, without a doubt, put you at risk for retaliation and as we all know, there are no limits to what a psychopath is capable of doing. Codependency, like Sam Vaknin’s “inverted narcissism” would not be a valid diagnosis. Even the DSM Committee, under heavy criticism for pathologizing normal human behaviors in multiple instances, rejected the concept of codependency.
From Wikipedia:
Commonly cited symptoms of codependency are:
intense and unstable interpersonal relationships
inability to tolerate being alone, accompanied by frantic efforts to avoid being alone
chronic feelings of boredom and emptiness
subordinating one’s own needs to those of the person with whom one is involved
overwhelming desire for acceptance and affection
external referencing
dishonesty and denial
low self-worth
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency#Symptoms_and_behaviors
I don’t believe you fit this profile and I know I don’t either. With my utmost respect, I caution you to be careful Donna, please be very careful. All my best to you.
The traits that I mentioned are based on scientifically valid research conducted by Dr. Liane Leedom.
I don’t agree Concern. I think psychos are very adept at choosing their victims. I asked my then psychopath boyfriend “Would you be with someone who had your past… the drug addiction, prison, pimping, lying and cheating…” He said with amazement “Why would I…I wouldn’t be able to trust them”. I replied “What makes you think I want someone like that”?
I know one thing… if I hadn’t have been a sensitive, empathetic, kind, spiritual soul he would have not been interested in me. These individuals don’t target women or men who are like them. they want someone that has goodness. Otherwise they wouldn’t get anywhere. Someone like them would ‘suss them out’ immediately… and as my ex said..be of no interest. All the experiences I have read here are about women being fooled and depending on who you are that deception can take many forms. I am a mistrustful person…. so I spent a lot of time tying to work out who I was dealing with. That meant although it was no picnic…I only spent 3 years with the psycho. I thank God I wasn’t younger when I met him. Funny enough that was one thing he would always say… “I wish I’d met you when you were younger”. Coming from a healthy man that would have been sweet. Coming from a psycho that showed me how lucky I was to have been mature enough to be suspicious of his ‘love’. Even though it took 3 years to find out exactly who he was, I was always suspicious. And I would NEVER have considered myself a victim before I met this man. And if you asked any of my friends they would tell you that I am a strong confident woman, who walked down the street with confidence. Yes as I’ve stated here before…I came from a dysfunctional background. But he never knew that.
All he knew about me was that I was a caring person and therefore someone he was interested in controlling. And he did for a while.
There are boundaries you can set if you think someone is a psycho. Stop offering help and see how long they stay around. They need someone who cares.
All seven. No wonder I’ve already had the pleasure of knowing two well. I’m done rolling out the red carpet for these idiots. I’m a great caring empath. But now everyone needs to earn it. No freebies. Learned the hard way.
Totally agree ‘dragonfire’. Once we stop the auto-empathy we can see who we’re dealing with.
guilty, guilty,guilty,guilty,guilty,guilty, guilty….wow…nailed me. I’m even a social worker lol! So…..what are the takeaways? Start to value MYSELF. Use some of the common sense God gave me, and KEEP up the boundaries. “No” is OKAY.
I agree with ‘concern’. That article effectively blames women for what happens to them. Yet you yourself say in another article:
‘Dr. Leedom’s research relates to women. But I’ve heard from many Lovefraud readers, both men and women, who were successful, take-charge individuals until they met the psychopath.
Personally, I don’t think anyone who watched me walk down the street would tag me as timid or vulnerable. I’m an athlete, and my stride is confident. But I was victimized by a psychopath, who took $227,000 from me, and cheated on me incessantly. And the guy started setting his hooks via e-mail, before he ever saw me walk.’
And Professor Hare in ‘Snakes in Suits’ (page 67) says ‘In fact, it is not uncommon for well-trained researchers in this field of study to be fooled and manipulated by known psychopaths they have just met’ and (page 277) ‘Nonetheless, even the most experienced psychologists can be taken in by the blandishments of a charming psychopath, so there is never a guarantee that you will be safe.’
I really think you should provide a link to this research – I’ve not been able to find it.
Finally ‘Some good ways to psychopath-proof yourself: Set firm boundaries and don’t let anyone cross them no matter how much he is guilting you; listen to your gut and don’t override your instincts out of an eagerness to please or to have your last chance at love; do not dismiss or minimize red flags such as lying, cheating or abusive behavior; do not take responsibility for someone else’s actions ‘
This is wise after the event. My ‘corporate P’ was a ‘wonderful’ person for years until the mask slipped because he perceived that I stood in his way. And it slipped and slipped and slipped for many months with me going through CD until months after THAT I figured out what he was. I have VERY strong boundaries – only a few people ever get close to me. My gut told me nothing, and I’m very intuitive. And I minimised the red flags because of CD – I think everyone who gets on the wrong end of a P will get CD the first time round.
I don’t think men in general should be trusted. We are brainwashed by society to believe otherwise. Even in the 1500s Shakespeare knew how men were. He wrote: Sigh no more ladies, sigh no more, men were deceivers ever, one foot in sea and one on shore, to one thing constant never. Then sigh not so but let them go and be you blithe and bonny, converting all your sounds of woe into hey nonny nonny. Sing no more ditties, sing no more of dumps so dull and heavy. The fraud of men was ever so since summer first was leafy. Then sigh not so but let them go and be you blithe and bonny, converting all your sounds of woe into hey nonny nonny.
lagorgeousmujer,
Like button inserted here!
I love your post!!!!
Here here..
This is nothing new.
We are talking about it now!
Here’s to Donna and the other brave women who come forth with their stories.
SITC
This article is insulting. We may be empaths but we are not codependent. That word is derogatory and blames the target. Sandra Brown has a better way of explaining the traits that attract psychopaths.
She calls them SUPER TRAITS:
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/women-who-love-too-much/news/view/2143433
I think it’s important to note that traits of codependency can be situational, for example someone may be codependent when certain dynamics of a romantic relationship are met, but may not be codependent in other relationships in their lives. So you as a person may not be ‘codependent’ but you may have these traits in certain relationships.
As with any personality traits they also exist on a spectrum. This trait of codependency can also be tied to attachment issues from childhood, and as such may only be triggered in certain situations. A psychopath is good at figuring out which buttons to push to express this codependency trait. which they then exploit. Therefore victims often have some work to do to figure out their vulnerability that has been exploited by the psychopath. We can never be perfectly in-vulnerable, but we can certainly address any core attachment wounds and related codependent tendencies to help us assert boundaries in a timely manner, along with recognising and being aware of ‘red flags’ for cluster b disorders in romantic partners.
babzl – thank you for your comment. Survivors should know that even if they seem to exhibit traits of codependency, they may not be codependent at all. The symptoms of traumatic bonding are often mistaken for codependency. For more information, see our recent article
https://education.lovefraud.com/what-counselors-need-to-know-when-treating-victims-of-abuse/