Last Memorial Day weekend, as I was picking out flowers for my mom and dad’s graves, my dad kept coming to my mind: What flowers would he like?……..Red was always his favorite color, I’ll get some red flowers……I should put a little American flag with his flowers, he would like that…….
There were a lot of scary, unsettling times in my life with my parents, but one thing that stayed pretty consistent was the soft spot I had for my dad. It sounds odd, because I was terrified of him.
Letting your guard down was never an option. The smallest thing would trigger a violent rampage. Yet, I’ve always had an inexplicable fondness for my dad. There were many times during my childhood when I defended him.
Reality is: he was not only a conscienceless sociopath, he was also a child molester. I know this. I should say my brain knows this, because it never quite reached my heart.
How can two totally incompatible feelings exist about the same person? This confused me a lot until I learned about traumatic bonding (also referred to in some cases as Stockholm Syndrome).
Human children are biologically designed to attach to parental figures. Since both my parents were sociopaths and I didn’t have any other adults in my life, I subconsciously picked my dad as the lesser of two evils.
There were rare moments when I’d tell a joke and my dad would laugh, or I’d say something that would make him smile. Or, he occasionally fixed air conditioners for extra money and he’d let me tag along. I lived and breathed for those moments. I still remember how good it made me feel to see signs of acceptance from him!
That was the reason I never spoke a word to anyone about our abuse growing up. Not only was I terrified of my dad, but if I “ratted” on him, I would lose his “acceptance” forever. In my eyes, that was the equivalent of being left completely and utterly alone in the world.
According to many psychiatrists, abuse interspersed with kindness deepens the attachment to an abuser. This is not only the case with parents/children, but in romantic relationships as well. And sociopaths have a keen sense of how much positive reinforcement to dispense to stay in control of their targets.
It is also why sociopaths want to isolate their targets from other people: the more time you are alone with the abuser, the stronger the attachment. Not only does it deter outside influence, but if the sociopath’s target feels resistance is futile, they will begin to succumb to the abuser’s authority.
This was something else my dad was keenly aware of, which is why my interaction with the outside world was kept severely limited.
My dad passed away many years ago, yet there is still that feeling of “attachment” lurking on the surface. People sometimes wonder what they would say/do if they saw their departed loved ones again. I’ve thought of this, too. If I saw my mom, I would probably run away out of fear of her hurting me again. But, if I saw my dad, I would hug him and say “dad, I’m so glad to see you.”
Thanks Stargazer, like you, there is/was resentment. My brother and I get treated like trash and cannot even be called my our Christian names, taken out of school to work ASAP, paid for our own education, but my half-sister was treated like a queen/got private schooling, two degrees paid for, part of her house bought for her etc.
Mum continues the favouritism even though stepdad is dead and it hurts. But you are right, I can validate myself. And I will put a stop to mum guilt tripping/manipulating me. I have a better mother now as you say….me. I will guide myself to avoid harm and distress. I will trust myself. I’m a better mum to me then she could ever have been.
Thanks from the bottom of my heart Stargazer.
I like my second comment better, so I deleted this one. 🙂
Bally, I was the only one of my friends who put herself through college and most of grad school with no help whatsoever from parents. I am the only person I’ve ever met (besides my sister) whose parents never took their kids to a dentist. I was on my own and totally self-supporting when I was 16. There are many things I never got that I should have. I was resentful about this for years – until I got tired of the big chip on my shoulder. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like that. I will tell you from the other side of it that I’m extremely grateful now that I had to do everything for myself. It taught me how to be resourceful and self-reliant. I’m very proud of my resourcefulness. It’s one of my best qualities. And I have my parents to thank for it. Doesn’t it sound strange? I’m actually thankful for the abuse – it has given me many gifts. I could never see them because I was so filled up with resentment and feeling different from other people and like life had been unfair to me. Now I realize I AM different from other people in some ways, but they’re good ways. I recently reconnected with an old friend from grad school who got her PhD. I had dropped out of the masters program due to lack of finances. I felt a twinge of envy and resentment that she got what I never got. That grad school was not cheap – it was a private school, so someone helped her pay for it. My life took a different course because of the poverty. But it taught me things my friends who have lived sheltered academic lives never learned. I used to be good friends with a very kind doctor who was doing his fellowship at the hospital where I work. He used to come to me for massages, and I think he actually was interested in me romantically. He told me about his life of academics (which, of course, his parents funded). When I told him of some of my travels and adventures, he was SO jealous of ME! He admired me for being so brave and adventurous, and self reliant. He would be terrified to venture out of his safe academic world and do some of the things I’ve done. This gave me a lot of perspective. I always thought it would be great to have stayed in grad school and become an academic. I learned from him that no matter where you are in your life, you can be happy and teach someone something.
I’m wondering if you ever wrote your mom a sincere letter and told her how her behaviors hurt you and why it’s so hard to let go of the past? Not that she would want to hear it, but maybe you need to sit down and write it as if you were going to have a heart-to-heart for the last time. Get it all out. You can imagine she is dying and this is your last chance to tell her how you feel – how deeply hurt you are. When you’re writing, imagine she is listening and that she cares. This will help you get the feelings out more. If you cannot imagine her caring, tell her that, too. Tell her everything you feel and what you want from her in the letter. See how you feel about it after you write it. You may or may not want to send it.
Depending on how much anger you have inside of you, you may need to do some screaming and yelling to get it out. If it’s rage, you will probably have to do that. If you don’t know, the best advice I have for you is to pray for understanding and clarity. Pray for help to release the anger. And then be open to whatever form the help comes in. Maybe you need just the right therapist. Or maybe you just need to write the letter. Deep inside, YOU know exactly what you need to do. The important thing is to have the intention to get to the other side of it. Be the person you want to become. Just be her. Humbly ask for help if you need it. If you have this intention to heal, you WILL get there. (((hugs to you))) Star
My dad owned a textile mill and was not with the family often. I used to question his having an affair. Maybe he was more of a narcissist than a sociopath. He could hurt me without any sense of harm to me. He told me my intelligence was ‘questionable’ while the whole family sat in a counseling session. His exact words, ‘Someone with your intelligence cannot afford to talk right now…’ Really? I was the one who suggested family counseling (now that WAS stupid) and he said that to me.
On another day (when I wanted to wash dishes at a restaurant) he said, “You’re too smart for that”.
The curious thing about it was that he seemed angry and dissatisfied even when my talents showed through. He was never happy. And he crippled his children (some of us) by giving money instead of real life support (he could not even answer my question about interest on money…there was no comprehensible answer from him).
When my brother went psychotic and ended up in Bridgewater State Hospital for eight years I watched this man dutifully visit my brother (but in appearance only). I am sure my brother did not hear anything serious or adult coming from my father.
I know the pain of loving him and fearing him. I can so relate to your story.
A part of me will always love him…yes, I love you Dad. But you hurt me so much.
Barb, I would bet my bottom dollar that my children feel exactly, but exactly, as you have written at the conclusion of your post: that they love their father dearly (maybe even more because of his apparent flaws) but that he has hurt them — “so much.”
How painful it is, to encounter my worst fears as a mother.
How inspiring it is, however, to see how you have survived them anyway! You have given me hope that at least one of my beloved daughters will endure this and come to see in full dimension, the fact that it is Not. Her. Doing.
I believe that it is part of our journey, in some essential way that we just don’t perceive right now, to have this experience. Maybe it’s a spiritual test, one we decided to take, or like Donna’s own story a circuitous route toward a “right destination” that we can’t imagine from where we are right now. Either way, what’s most important is that we grow and learn from all our experiences, so I am vicariously proud of you from afar, for having done so! and pray my kids will remain not only as articulately intelligent as you are on the topic, but as understanding and loving of themselves.
Right On, Barb: Loving him and still being aware that he hurt you, is the best result you can get. It beats the heck out of pretending one or both of these elements don’t exist, and healing won’t occur until my daughters can also accept them both. Thank you for your living example that it is possible to do so, with insight and honesty.
I think every mother of such a child would say: I have suffered the torments of the Damned for having exposed you to such a person. Please know that I didn’t understand!! and would never have knowingly hurt you or put you into a position of harm. Words can’t express my sorrow! for making you an involuntary victim of your father’s disorder. 🙁
Barb…I hate to say this, but you are probably right about your dad having an affair/affairs when he was never home. That is what my ex was doing…he was never home with his kids; it’s so sad. He missed all the best growing up years of their lives. Now they are 14 and 16 and getting older and I think they love him a lot despite all the evil he has done…the affairs, the lying, cheating, being fired from his job…all of it. He is still their dad and I actually saw a tweet just a few months ago that his 14 year old daughter tweeted…”I literally love my dad so much.” My heart just dropped. I guess I felt how unfair it was that she loves him so much when he did so much harm. That’s the problem…everyone still seems to love him no matter what he does…what is up with that?? Someone said and I think it was on here…I think it was Joyce who said that sometimes the kids love the disordered parent more because they have to work harder to get their love…they know the good parent loves them and will always be there for them, but the bad parent isn’t, so it’s almost like a challenge to get the bad parent to love them. My ex did or still does the same thing to his kids that your dad would do…he says subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) put downs all the time. He usually says them in jokes and sarcastic humor. Sigh.
Stargazer thank you again for your support and sharing your experiences. My mum isn’t a sociopath but there are similar behaviours to your mum. There is a bit of narcissism such as my half sister being the golden child, me the scapegoat, extreme jealously of me and my brother if anything went well for us, allowed us to be abused and always put us in danger, lies a lot to make herself look good or to defend late stepdad and golden child, will not acknowledge any wrongdoings and never makes a sincere apology (always wrapped in sarcasm) still views herself as the best mum on earth and expects special treatment etc etc. She also, I believe, has dependent personality disorder behaviours.
I think your idea of a letter is a good one in general….however mum doesn’t want to know how I feel. She will just either go into a rage and be the victim or say “I’m sorry you feel like that”. That’s how she has behaved in the past. She cannot empathise or will not.
The way forward is to not put myself in a position that I can be triggered into flashbacks of the past. I only have these with mum. So I need to limit calls and communicate by email until I can control this. Already I feel relieved. Was thinking tonight that maybe I have a bit of PTSD. Hope not!
Thank you again Stargazer.
Bally, you could always write the letter but not send it. The point is to get your feelings out so you can let them go.
Thanks Stargazer, yes I have done that a few times…then I was persuaded to go back to the lions den and was thrown to the wolves again….people do not change is what I learned.
Bally, how long are you going to keep trying to get the love from your family that they cannot give you? How many times will you keep going back before you decide to go out and live your own life?
Stargazer, I’m almost 48. It is ok I went NC many years ago then stepdad died. I didn’t talk about it to anyone as didn’t want sympathy, I wanted to be seen as from a normal family. So it was good to chat to you in safe environment.
Issue is that I get triggered when speaking with mum, transports me to the 30 years + of abuse.
I’ve decided to (for now) communicate by email until I can get boundaries on the conversation and also to work out how to not be triggered.
You have helped tremendously, thank you.
I wish you peace and healing, Bally, whatever route you take. Though you probably won’t be able to talk about your past with your mom, I hope there is someone you can talk to. I’m glad even talking about it here is helpful.
I am still grieving a relationship with a dance partner that I got very close to a few years ago. Though I’ve told the story a dozen times, I still find myself crying whenever I tell it. I am just amazed at how deep pain can go when we have bonded with someone and they hurt us. And I only knew him for a few years! We all need to be so gentle with ourselves.
Thank you Stargazer, you have a heart of pure gold. I’m sorry that you have been hurt by the dance partner. Some we don’t care about after a while and others leave a lasting memory. His loss from how I see you as a person but that doesn’t comfort you. But if they hurt us maybe they are just not right for us.
It was really so helpful having you the last few days to chat to. Honestly it was great. Mum wants to speak to me and I will send her an email instead just now to talk about boundaries in the conversation. Things that trigger me. I’m starting to wonder if I have some sort of PTSD because certain words trigger memories – but I only get angry with mum. I cannot control it and I’m upset for weeks after and start dreaming at night of the past. I guess that is because I hold her responsible. Also she never will never listen or say she is sorry so that made it worse. So no point going there. I have to work out how not to get triggered and right now I need a break from speaking to her. I’m not fit to chat just yet.
I do believe mum has some disorder. Some traits of narcissism and also dependent personality disorder if that is possible. I could be wrong but there can be no other reason why she did what she did. But it isn’t right that I suddenly flare up with anger, honesty it just happens and I cannot stop it once I’ve been triggered, so setting boundaries with her will hopefully help.
Bally, You are making great observations. If your mother wasn’t disordered, why are you getting triggered into anger whenever you talk to her? Your feelings are giving you information. Keep listening. Your mom is probably not a safe person to express your feelings to, and this is part of why you are angry, because you can’t express your feelings to her. And you may have a backlog of feelings that you have stuffed down over the years. Your feelings have great wisdom. She cannot listen. But you can! (listen to yourself)
I know I talk a lot about forgiveness. But before you can get to the forgiveness, you have to know what you are dealing with, and to really feel your feelings completely. When you’ve worked through anger, forgiveness is a much more natural process.
Thanks Stargazer, I did write to mum saying in think I may have PTS and a few of the events that caused it and hence certain things triggered a reaction in me. I asked her not to talk about certain things as it may trigger a reaction and it must be terrible for her when I get triggered. I said I really appreciate she checks on my house while I’m not there and as she is my mum I needed to set boundaries in the conversation so we can communicate without me being triggered. This is what she wrote back:
“I have received your email. If you do not wish to speak to me then I do not want to add to your unhappiness. You have left me in no doubt what you think of me.
I am going out this morning also. I only wanted to speak about the cutting of your garden & hedge. I cannot make these decisions without your input. It is you who will be paying for it. I will tell the gardener that I will have to delay it unless you wish to contact him??”
Then gave me numbers for the gardener.
Stargazer, what I read is that she has turned this around to make me feel guilty at writing it. No acknowledgement of my post traumatic stress, then carried on to say she wanted to speak about my garden. Perhaps mothers would normally have said “we can work on this together” or “you need to get it treated”.
Bally, even in your comment about PTSD, you are still trying to get her to acknowledge you. She apparently is not willing to acknowledge you and feels attacked whenever you bring up any kind of grievance about the past, even in the form that you did. She is in denial and probably will not change. You have a choice of whether you want to be in a relationship with her on her terms. This is exactly what happened with my mother. I chose no relationship because I could not handle her denial – it was too upsetting and I kept getting triggered. No matter what I did, said, or tried, she never would or could hear me. And yours won’t either. But you keep trying. If you want to go NC with your mom, then you will have to accept that she will be angry and will not understand. If you try to limit the conversation, she may retaliate by going NC with you. This is who she is. So you need to decide if this is someone you want to have in your life – because it will always be on her terms. My mother was just like yours. I chose to sever ties once I figured out that our relationship would have to be on her terms, which meant she wouldn’t acknowledge my pain. You cannot get blood out of a stone.
I wasn’t until many years after I went NC with my mom that I finally let go of the past grievances. When this happened, I still didn’t trust her or want a relationship with her, but I just stopped being angry and felt only love. When she died, I was at peace. I no longer had the need for her to acknowledge my pain because I had let go of the pain.