CRON: Array ( [1553055015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553055915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553056815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553057715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058000] => Array ( [woocommerce_scheduled_sales] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553058315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553058915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553059815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060000] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553060115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553060715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553061915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553062515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553063415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553064915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553065815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553066715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553067915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553068815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553069715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553070915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553072715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553073915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553074815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553075415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553076915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553077515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553077815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553078715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553079915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553080515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553080815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553081115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553083215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553085915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553087115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553088315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553089815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553090115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553090715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553091915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553092815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553093715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553094915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553095815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553096715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553097915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553098815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553099715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553100915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553101515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( 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60 ) ) ) [1553125215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553125815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553126715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553127915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553128815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553129715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553130915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553131815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553132715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553133915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553134815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553136615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553136915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553137815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553138715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553139915] => Array ( [seopressor_link_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553140215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553142015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553142915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553143815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553144715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553145315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553147115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553147715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553148615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553149815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553150715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] 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60 ) ) ) [1553152815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553153715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154400] => Array ( [reschedule_event_post] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553154615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553154915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553155815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553156715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553157915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553158815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553159715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160536] => Array ( [wpbdp_daily_events] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553160615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553160950] => Array ( [wpbdp_listings_expiration_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553161061] => Array ( [_cron_zencache_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553161215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553161515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162344] => Array ( [wppa_cleanup] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => hourly [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 3600 ) ) ) [1553162415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553162715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553163915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553164815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553165715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553166915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553167815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168235] => Array ( [seopressor_site_audit] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) [seopressor_daily_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553168415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553168849] => Array ( [check_plugin_updates-event-espresso-core-reg] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553169015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553169915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553170637] => Array ( [simple_history/maybe_purge_db] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553170815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553171715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553172615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553173815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553174115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553175915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553176815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553177715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553178915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553179815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553180821] => Array ( [yotuwp_cache_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553181315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553181615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553182815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553183715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553184915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553185215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186411] => Array ( [woocommerce_cleanup_personal_data] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553186421] => Array ( [woocommerce_tracker_send_event] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553186715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553187915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553188815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553189715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190375] => Array ( [delete_expired_transients] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553190615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553190915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553191815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553192715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193129] => Array ( [wpbdp_license_check] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553193315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553193915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553194815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195164] => Array ( [subscribe_reloaded_purge] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => daily [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 86400 ) ) ) [1553195415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553195715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553196015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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60 ) ) ) [1553210415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553210715] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553211915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553212515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( 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[40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214615] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553214915] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215215] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215515] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553215815] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216115] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553216415] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217015] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => in_per_minute [args] => Array ( ) [interval] => 60 ) ) ) [1553217315] => Array ( [seopressor_audit_cron] => Array ( [40cd750bba9870f18aada2478b24840a] => Array ( [schedule] => 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By | May 30, 2014 56 Comments

Traumatic Bonding: When You Love Your Abuser

Last Memorial Day weekend, as I was picking out flowers for my mom and dad’s graves, my dad kept coming to my mind:  What flowers would he like?……..Red was always his favorite color, I’ll get some red flowers……I should put a little American flag with his flowers, he would like that…….

There were a lot of scary, unsettling times in my life with my parents, but one thing that stayed pretty consistent was the soft spot I had for my dad.  It sounds odd, because I was terrified of him.

Letting your guard down was never an option.  The smallest thing would trigger a violent rampage.  Yet, I’ve always had an inexplicable fondness for my dad.  There were many times during my childhood when I defended him.

Reality is:  he was not only a conscienceless sociopath, he was also a child molester.  I know this.  I should say my brain knows this, because it never quite reached my heart.

How can two totally incompatible feelings exist about the same person?  This confused me a lot until I learned about traumatic bonding (also referred to in some cases as Stockholm Syndrome).

Human children are biologically designed to attach to parental figures.  Since both my parents were sociopaths and I didn’t have any other adults in my life, I subconsciously picked my dad as the lesser of two evils.

There were rare moments when I’d tell a joke and my dad would laugh, or I’d say something that would make him smile.  Or, he occasionally fixed air conditioners for extra money and he’d let me tag along.  I lived and breathed for those moments. I still remember how good it made me feel to see signs of acceptance from him!

That was the reason I never spoke a word to anyone about our abuse growing up.  Not only was I terrified of my dad, but if I “ratted” on him, I would lose his “acceptance” forever.   In my eyes, that was the equivalent of being left completely and utterly alone in the world.

According to many psychiatrists, abuse interspersed with kindness deepens the attachment to an abuser.  This is not only the case with parents/children, but in romantic relationships as well.  And sociopaths have a keen sense of how much positive reinforcement to dispense to stay in control of their targets.

It is also why sociopaths want to isolate their targets from other people:  the more time you are alone with the abuser, the stronger the attachment.  Not only does it deter outside influence, but if the sociopath’s target feels resistance is futile,  they will begin to succumb to the abuser’s authority.

This was something else my dad was keenly aware of, which is why my interaction with the outside world was kept severely limited.

My dad passed away many years ago, yet there is still that feeling of “attachment” lurking on the surface.  People sometimes wonder what they would say/do if they saw their departed loved ones again.  I’ve thought of this, too.  If I saw my mom, I would probably run away out of fear of her hurting me again.  But, if I saw my dad, I would hug him and say “dad, I’m so glad to see you.”


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Wendy – your observations are so poignant. The fact that after all you’ve been through, and all those years, and everything you know, you still feel a connection shows just how deep these connections are. No wonder it is difficult for people to break free.

Thank you for your willingness to share. Your posts contribute greatly to our understanding of these involvements.

Bally

Maybe the bond can also be because our abuser didn’t actually kill us and we feel a sort of gratitude for that? Something to do with their power over us to have spared us….and we viewed them as superior?

HopingToHeal

Wendy,
Your story is so relatable to anyone who has experienced that double mindedness of that kind of bond. You always reveal such personal experiences but are so helpful to read. It’s heart wrenching to think of what an abused child experiences. I’m so sorry for you.

I’m in that place that you speak of, with my husband. I’ve read The Betrayal Bond and many stories like yours on various websites. But unfortunately, I still feel this intense love for him. My friends and counselor will list all the despicable horrendous things he has done, yet because he’s been so tender and loving to me, I still feel that love. As we have less and less contact because of his new attachment to his next victim, I don’t feel the addiction that I once had. I don’t long for him, but I still feel that love. Or maybe it’s attachment. I don’t know .

It doesn’t make sense and I wish I could reason with my heart. My brain is fully aware of who he is but my heart won’t catch up. I wish I knew a way to resolve the two conflicting emotions. I sure appreciate you putting into words the feelings I’m having. It eases the pressure I put on myself, because I don’t want to love him.

Stargazer, I’m always amazed at how in tune you are with your feelings of what you have experienced. Your dedication to your recovery shows. Thanks for the wisdom. I’ve implemented several of the suggestions you’ve posted in the past. It’s sad to hear of how you were treated and also how your mom was. The stories all end the same with selfish abusers, they just never get it.

Stargazer

HopingToHeal, I love your username because while you are waiting and hoping to heal, you are actually healing. 🙂 It happens when you don’t think it’s happening. Thank you for your kind words. I am so grateful to be part of this community.

See, I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life. It’s okay. It’s not something you should try to hide or get rid of. Just know he is not good for you and the appropriate distance with him is no-contact. If you must love him from a distance, you will still recover, as long as you keep him at the safe distance. Eventually, your energy will go in a different direction, and he will become less important. When? Who knows? It may take a while. But you can still live your life, still cultivate happy experiences, and when you least expect it, you will wake up one day and he will not be on your mind so much.

Stargazer

More about my mom, she was neglected by her own mother as I mentioned. She tried to use the men she married and her own children to be her mother. I had so much anger about having to be my mother’s mother and about her not being a real mother to me. When I finally let go of the anger, I stopped feeling resentful. I just felt compassion for her. I once had a psychic tell me that I had been her mother in a past lifetime. “PAST lifetime?” I said. How about THIS lifetime? But anyway, I truly do wish I could have helped my mother with her healing before she died. But you cannot imagine the unresolved rage I carried around for so many years. I had so very many rages in my bed, in my car, at bus stops, and at some other inappropriate places. It took a long time to clear it out. Such a relief to be free of it.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

Stargazer,
I love your explanation here. It feels familiar to me. My mom had kids in order for them to love her. She’d set us up to fight over who could show mommy the most love. Us kids hated each other. As an adult, I realized why. Because when you make your kids compete for the tiniest crumb of kindness, they resent the one who received it. (that and my siblings are borderlines).

I stayed away from my mom because she was a parasite and I was impotent, I could not do enough for her and I couldn’t stand the feeling of “not being enough”. I never outgrew wishing she would love me but I found other ways to feed my soul. And one day, I realized it no longer matter to me that she didn’t love me. I learned about her life from a cousin and with that knowledge, I felt compassion for her. I would never give her opportunity to soul suck me, but I did understand why she set her priority in trying to get love from others. She had a very very sad life.

I like your phrase, “to clear it out”. That’s what I feel happened to me. And as you write “relief to be free of it” is how I feel too.

I feel like I should end every post with a thank you because it doesn’t matter who I write to on here, we share so many common events on our journey through our humanity. Ironic because I used to feel SO ALONE. These people here and speaking their words of truth,… proof that we humans are not alone, not ever.

Stargazer

Dear NotWhatHeSaid: So maybe you CAN imagine the rage I carried around for so many years. Sounds like you went through something very similar. I could especially relate to the part about how my sister and I were never close and still aren’t because we were competing for crumbs. I remember throwing my sister under the bus a few times so I could avoid a beating and be the golden child. I can understand why my sister still doesn’t trust me and this is very sad, too.

Since I had pretty much no contact with my mother for the last 5 years of her life, it was plenty of time for me glamorize her healthy side – she did have one, though it was small. I remember her in many ways as the good friend she could be at times and close relationship I always hoped we’d have some day. Perhaps the reality would have been that if I had spent time with her, it would have gone bad pretty quickly and I would have felt angry and depressed. That’s why in my dream the other night, my mother was dying and I went to be by her side. When people are dying, this is probably the time in their lives when they are most likely to let their guard down and be authentic. I do wish I could have been at my mother’s bedside before she died to tell her I’d forgiven her. She was so needy of attention. But no one ever gave her the attention she needed. Certainly not my abusive stepfather. She used to do these attention-getting things. Like for a few years she used to say “I have an alien”. She made up this imaginary “alien” and gave him a silly name. She would talk about him as though he was real, and expect everyone to think it was funny. On the contrary, it was very sad that a grown woman in her 60’s had to talk like this for attention. And she’d have a way of looking at you like she was sucking in your attention. It used to make me angry and depressed to be around her. Now I just feel sad for her.

A few years ago, I had to look at my own narcissism, too. It was not pretty to look at. I was ashamed when I saw it. But when I accepted it, this helped me have more compassion for my mother – I could see how the pattern was carried down from one generation to the next. I have since worked at being less narcissistic. I will never know to what extent I am successful, because it’s hard to see myself through someone else’s eyes.

NotWhatHeSaidofMe

HopingtoHeal
Someone explained this phenomenon to me, that I could feel love for those tender moments that occurred between me and my ex:

The Love did not come from him. As a sociopath (this explanation only fits the sociopath dynamic), he could only pretend. He got his model for pretense from his victim, he studied us, his skill as a sociopath is to know what we want (because we tell them!). Those moments of connection mean so much because, in reality, we were connecting with the manifestation of OUR LOVE, the love copied about and for US. That’s why it’s such a powerful connection.

My ex, a sociopath, did not and could not have any love for me. He just took my definition/image/expectation of what “love” looked and felt like, and fed it back to me. Do you understand? WE are the ones who don’t fully comprehend how incredible our ability to love is. A sociopath can perceive it but they can’t FEEL it. No wonder they are so RAGEful that they must destroy it, rip it from us. Your, mine ability to LOVE, fully LOVE, is very powerful and life affirming and what I learned was not to waste it on someone who can not FEEL.

So you see, recovery does come about by stripping away our ego, and discovering the real person beneath. I KNOW who I am now, and that empowers me. But, I am careful to give credit to GOD, not to a sociopath. I would have learned my life lesson anyway because I am that kind of inquiring person. I learned about ME… IN SPITE of a sociopath, NOT because of him (just as I learned how to play music that feeds my soul…IN SPITE of my mother, NOT because of her).

Bally

Thanks Notwhat, very useful.

Stargazer

I think starting to develop authentic relationships with others – starting with yourself – will eventually direct that longing to connect away from the sociopath.

Bally

Hi there again Stargazer! Hope you are well.

Thank you so so much for your post, it has been incredibly helpful to me –

“I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life”

You may remember my mother allowed me to be abused as a child and this carried on into my 40’s…..until my stepdad died and then my half-sister took over…..why did this happen? Because I still trusted her judgement and believed her lies after over 30 years of being abused! So she kept placing me in dangerous situations and not letting me flee! Because she is my mum I love her but as long as I saw her the harm continued. Even though she lives the other side of the world, she just has to mention certain words like “abuse” or any word that reminds me of the trauma and I go into a rage! It is not by choice (if that makes sense) it just happens! I cannot control it then I dream of my trauma for about 2 weeks! Certain words she says brings me back immediately to what happened to me even though we are talking about something completely different! But it is only with her noone else!

You post was so great as it made me realise it isn’t perhaps good for me to have so much contact wih my mum. But I can still love her. People think if you don’t have contact then you have to stop loving the person so that is a reason it is so hard to have no/little contact. Maybe I can email her more instead and look at how to work on stopping these triggers that make me angry and distressed with her and with myself for walking into constant traps and fantasising years later what I should have done to escape at the time….

I remember life coach Tony Robbins saying at a seminar that there was someone he loved very much but couldn’t have them in his life. I couldn’t understand it at the time until your post explained it.

How did you get rid of your anger?

I cannot thank you enough Stargazer, I can still love her but change the method of communication. Thank you, thank you xx

Stargazer

Bally, I’m so glad my posts can be useful to you because that becomes a gift for me too!

To answer your question about how I got rid of the anger….it has been a long journey. It started when I was 16. I stood up to my stepfather for the first time. Rage poured out of me and I almost killed him. But then the rage went back underground and I struggled with depression for many years. I released the beatings in the middle of a meditation retreat when I was 23, with a lot of anger coming out. After that, when I was in my late 20’s I took Prozac for a few months and got in a women’s therapy group. Someone said something that triggered me, and off I went. I flew into a rage which continued at the bus stop and long after I got back to my boarding house. I raged for an hour or two. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. It took years and years of effort, a few visits with special alternative body work therapists, and a lot of self-determination to release the remainder of the rage. I’m sure I’m not done yet, either, but it’s at the level where I am generally feeling pretty good, and the waves of grief/anger are much smaller and more manageable.

When I was 48 (5 years ago) I was still very angry at my mother in spite of all the anger work I’d done. I wanted badly to be close to her but I kept getting triggered by her narcissism. The thing that finally helped me get past it was prayer. (And I’m not religious). I just didn’t want to be an angry person anymore. I don’t know if you read my post where I said that you become the person you want to be by simply being that person? I wanted to be someone who was normal and not constantly feeling like I had it worse than everyone, like I had this chip on my shoulder. So I prayed about it. The answer was that I needed to send one final communication to my mother. In it, I would list every grievance I had in a clear concise and non-attacking form. “This is what happened and here is how I was affected.” Then I had to ask her for what I needed from her in order to clear the slate. In the communication, I asked for money for dental work (from the teeth she broke that I spent a fortune fixing) and therapy money. I felt she owed me that. Her response was angry and narcissistic – as it has always been. But it didn’t matter. Once I stated my piece clearly and asked for what I wanted, I had released the final piece of anger and entitlement. I let go of my grievance. I had done everything I could do. There was nothing left to hold onto. The funny thing about this process that you can’t see when you’re on the painful end of it is that when the anger is gone, it’s gone. You no longer feel entitled to retribution or need anything from the other person. There is nothing left but peace and compassion, unbelievably. I was free then to choose what kind of relationship to have with my mother or none at all. I chose to call her every Mothers Day or to send her flowers. This was until one of the phone calls triggered me, so I stopped calling and just sent cards or flowers. My mother was not a sociopath. So you need to adjust this accordingly for your situation. With a spath, NC is the best scenario. But maybe you can write a letter you don’t send, if that works. I think if the only way for it to work is to send the letter, send it, as long as you don’t think it will be unsafe to do so. Do whatever is most empowering for you.

Over the years, I had many dreams (and still do) where I’m in a house with my mom and stepdad. I am feeling love and connection with them, but I’m standing up to them telling them what I will and will not tolerate – setting boundaries with them, as I could not do as a child. “It’s not okay to do this or that…..etc.” The dreams showed me that I can still love my abusers but just set limits with their behaviors. If it never happened in real life, at least I knew it *could* happen. I learned that it didn’t have to be all or nothing with them. I was free to love them and free to choose the distance that would be for both of our greatest good.

In your case, you were never able to stand up to your parents long into adulthood. So the first thing that occurs to me is that you need to take 100% responsibility for your anger as an adult. You cannot expect your mother to fix it or to change. You have to be the one to change. The best way to change is to stop expecting her to change and to stop expecting to get the love from her you never got. This puts you in a powerless position – you are dependent on her to change in order for you to be happy. The truth is that the power to make yourself happy is within your reach. But you have to accept full responsibility for your anger and be willing to let it go by whatever means necessary. Having that intention alone will raise your vibration (energy) and put you in a space where you are ready to heal. Then, instead of it being about what your parents do, what they say, how they abuse you, etc., it will be “How can I become happy?” “How can I let go of this grievance?” It is now about you and not about them. Maybe your answer is simply just to create more distance and not let her so close to you. Maybe you don’t need to write a letter like I did. You will find your own answers. But the important part is the intention. Intend to restore yourself to happiness. Then look for ways to do it.

Does that make sense?

Bally

Stargazer, thank you for your time and consideration.

Mum wasn’t a sociopath, she just liked abusive, violent and bully-boy men. Always. No parental reason for it – my grandparents were perfect. She wouldn’t date anything else.

I stood up to stepfather from a young age and for beaten and bullied more for it. Mum used to tell me to say nothing and not to protest at his mistreatment. She was still saying that to me when I was in my 40’s. I had no contact with him a few years before he died and he in turn isolated me from the rest of the family as punishment.. I don’t know what his disorder was, but he was disordered. She stuck my him even during his cheating. She was his third wife and his kids from a former marriage wouldn’t talk to him either. His son told me he hated girls and had one of his sisters adopted when a baby.

I will read your suggestions a few times and consider what best to do…..I had never thought of asking my mum for anything…like yours she wouldn’t give it….but it is letting her know these things that is powerful for recovery.

And correct she will never change – she is over 70 and has always had behaviour that left me scratching my head! So I need to change how I react to the triggers. I’m not sure how to do that because it is honestly like I have no control over it….just some word she says that reminds me of the abuse and in a micro-second my heart is thumping and I’m furious. With her. For putting me in that situation. For not stopping him or the others. For finding him attractive when he did that to me. For being a bad mother. For saying it was acceptable by staying with him. For not letting me go back to live with granny and grandad. For telling me as a child to not tell anyone or I would be put in a welfare home – this was when granny was threatening to tell the child welfare on him when she saw the abuse herself….as you can see mum was manipulating me even with that – she was saying I would be put away, not him.

Thanks again Stargazer, will consider. My thoughts are just now to limit contact to writing emails until I can think how to control my triggers that make me angry when she uses a word that sends me back to the past – because it only happens with mum not with anyone else.

Bally

Thanks again Stargazer, never thought of that – that I only react like this with mum because she put those buttons in place. When it happens and I get upset she screams at me and hangs up on me and goes no contact. Her words are “just forget the past” but takes no responsibility for it. She behaves so coldly and acts the victim because I get upset. She makes me very angry because she put me in danger just up to a few years ago – it was over 30 years of abuse.

I don’t know why she was always like that, it doesn’t make sense because her mum and dad were such caring people. Granny once said to me when I was a teenager “you could put me in a dark room full of men and I would still pick a better man than your mum picks”. Any men she had met that were the “nice type” would last a date or two. She found them boring. They had to be bad boys of some sort and even one who she dated who was married with kids ended up in prison for embezzlement. He not only beat us, her kids, he use to beat her in front me and my brother also. And when he was in prison….it was a relief but boring when we had to sit in the car during visiting times. I cannot believe how we came from a nice family yet mum was behaving like we were from something quite the opposite!

There must be some reason that makes women sexually attracted to abusive men.

Stargazer

Bally, your mom sounds very much like mine. My mother’s choice of men could be an episode of Jerry Springer. Ironically, my inheritance after she died came from a lawsuit she filed against the jail where one of her husbands died because they forgot to give him his heart medication. He was there for soliciting a 14 year old girl.

Your relationship with her sounds very much like mine was for many years, and it does not sound healthy. So my question to you is now that you are well into adulthood, why do you let the abuse continue? Who is in charge of your life – you or your mother? You couldn’t set limits when you were younger. But you can do it now. This is your responsibility and not hers to direct how people treat you. If you want it to stop, then make it stop. If every time you talk to her by phone, she is verbally abusive, then stop talking to her by phone. There was a point with my mother when the only safe topic of conversation was our cats (we each had a few). We could talk and laugh endlessly about them without either of us triggering the other. It’s really up to you to decide what kind of contact with her is in your best interest. You do not have to keep playing out the same role you had as a child. She was never a good mother to you. But now you have a better mother – YOU. You can mother yourself and protect yourself from harmful energy.

It sounds like you may need to take a little space from her. I will tell you one thing – when you’re able to process some of the grief of her early betrayal, then she will not trigger you any more. She triggers you because you have stuff to work on. It’s best NOT to include her in your healing process. Work on this stuff apart from her. Then see if she still triggers you as much.

Bally

Stargazer, thank you again for taking the time to reply and offer advice. It really is appreciated and especially so from someone who has experienced trauma as a result of the behaviour of their mother, directly or indirectly. I’ve not had this opportunity with anyone before.

Mum and I get on well – until she mentions something that reminds me of the abuse. It will never be about talking of the past but a certain word, or talking of others she knows being treated badly by their partners, for example, will trigger it in me. I don’t even realise what is happening to me, it is all so fast, I get angry and all nervous and can hear my heart thumping in my ears. I honesty have no control over it. It is traumatic for me and for mum when I get angry/in a panic.

So it isn’t mum doing it to me, it is me doing it to her. I went no contact with my stepdad and half-sister about 6 years before he died. Both were abusive. She knew no different as that is how he treated me since she was born so it was a learned behaviour for her. Then mum said that he and my half-sister wanted me over for Boxing Day 2005 and please would I come. Mum begged me. She promised that it was going to be nice and it would be good to have the family together. I was in the house 15 minutes and stepdad and half-sister (14 years my junior) ignored me and wouldn’t acknowledge me trying to make conversation. I decided to leave very quietly. Sis in law spotted it and ran to get my half-sister. That is when stepdad and half-sister both attacked me and mum took the keys away from the door so I couldn’t escape. I had to threaten them all with reporting it as assault in order to escape.

Afterwards, when I was back in my own home mum drove over with step dad for him to apologise. I wouldn’t let him in my house and didn’t want an apology. She said he told her that he didn’t hear me speaking to him when I was in their house, so although he was ignoring me, he was furious that he thought I was ignoring him. So they were implying he attacked me because he didn’t hear me speaking to him. Mum didn’t realise just how unreasonable that excuse was. In their eyes the attack was justified. Nothing from half-sister and didn’t expect it. She is a mini-me of her father.

I really liked it when you said “But now you have a better mother ”“ YOU. You can mother yourself and protect yourself from harmful energy”. That is a great piece of advice. If we step outside of ourselves and do just that, I guess we will make better decisions!

How did you “process” your past? How long did it take you to heal?

You have been very kind to me to take time for my situation and I really, really appreciate it Stargazer. I’ve learned a lot from you on this.

Stargazer

It always amazes me to hear of the different abuse people put up from their “family” that they wouldn’t put up with from anyone else. I once had a massage client who was 55. Her sister hit her and insulted her on a regular basis, but she continued to hang out with the sister all the time! I don’t think our “family” should have any kind of red carpet to walk all over us when others are not allowed to.

I used to get triggered by my mom exactly as you do. She would bring up the past, and of course her memory was that I had an idyllic childhood with moonbeams and butterflies. It would upset me for her to bring it up because I had so much unresolved resentment. Or I’d observe her being abusive to one of her cats, brushing the cat hard with the hair brush in frustration because the cat wouldn’t sit still (like most cats). This would upset me, too. Eventually, I just had to break off the contact for a while, and then, as I said, limit it to an occasional email or Mother’s Day card or flowers. This was the healthiest distance for both of us. It was traumatizing to both of us to try to talk about anything really personal – it would trigger both of us, and we would say hurtful things to each other. I couldn’t even be in her presence without being triggered, for a while because the look on her face and her behaviors were SO attention-getting that I felt constantly manipulated. Eventually, there was so much water under the bridge it really couldn’t be fixed. Narcissistic people are not good for me to be around.

Healing has been a long hard road and it is ongoing. But it involves dealing directly with all the feelings about the abuse as they come up. When you get triggered, that means something has come up. You need to process whatever it is. When you have done this repeatedly enough times, it will get less and less and you will feel lighter and happier.

But if you keep going back for more abuse, nothing will ever change. You are expecting them to change and behave a certain way. Instead, they are abusive, but some part of you still expects maybe the next time will be different. It never is. Then, instead of doing something different to protect yourself, you complain about their abuse but keep going back for more, which keeps you in the victim role. If you don’t want to continue to be victimized, just stop going back for more.

Bally

Thank you Stargazer, I’m glad you were able to heal from it though I guess it can be still painful at times, but in general you are in a better place.

Stargazer

Bally, I’m not by any means fully recovered. I still struggle with self-worth issues. But even before my mother died, I finally stopped trying to communicate my pain to her and get her to understand what she did. I came to an acceptance that I would never have the kind of relationship with her that I wanted. And in fact, we didn’t have much relationship at all for the last 5 years. Once I accepted this and forgave the situation, things got easier. That doesn’t mean you no longer have hurt and betrayal. You need to still feel those things fully, just not around your abusive parents because they will retraumatize you. For the sake of your own healing, it doesn’t matter “why” they did what they did. What matters is that you stop letting them do it. Eventually, some day, you may have more understanding of why they made the choices they did. But it’s not integral to your healing. Learning to love yourself enough to put up boundaries IS integral to your healing.

I think those of us who never received real love from our parents spend our lives seeking the love we never got. This is why we get in and stay in abusive relationships. We are trying to heal those early wounds. The best I know about this is that I am learning to give that love to myself so I’m not dependent on it from others. I hope some day if I ever fall in love again, it will be someone with whom I can practice asking for what I need and actually get it. I believe a healthy relationship between two healthy people can be so healing, and I don’t believe human beings are meant to live alone. I still have not experienced this kind of love to any great extent except in scattered moments. I can only hope, Bally.

Bally

Wendy, thanks for your reply. That is so creepy, your mum sending you photos like that. Did your mum terrify you all the time? Mine was unpredictable, would behave nicely then if something annoyed her she would suddenly switch to the wicked witch of the north. My stepdad was just a bully all the time so predictable.

I remember when I was 18 she had asked me to do something when I got back from work before going out…it was trivial because I cannot remember what it was, maybe taking the washing out of the machine…well I forgot….when I got home she had taken my best eyeliner and lipstick and written abuse all over my mirror in my bedroom “you bitch, you will be sorry for this, I will get you for this in the morning, you bitch, BITCH, BITCH”. I cleaned it up and went to bed shaking….the terrible thing is that my stepdad constantly bullied and attacked me too so when mum took these evil turns I was petrified.

But mum liked to be seen as the innocent one, the victim, someone who couldn’t stop her husband bullying me. When I would cry she used to say “there is nothing I can do to stop him” or “don’t you ruin this for me!”.

Was your mum ever nice to you? As I’m now living abroad my mum checks on my house every couple of weeks….so she does things for me. However, sometimes I think that when we have had words (caused always by me having a trigger about the past) that she is then doing something to my home and there is nothing I can do about it……I’m at the other side of the world so I need to change these arrangements when I next go back later this year.

Do you have any fond memories of your mum? Mum isn’t a psychopath but there is something that isn’t right for her to behave like she did especially no stopping her husband treating her kids really badly. He didn’t even call us by our names…..he called my brother and I “the two objects”. She accepted that. Also when I was 12 he started to refer to me at times as a slut. The first time it happened I was practising strengthening exercises for gymnastics and he said “come on you silly slut”. I immediately stopped as I knew it was a “bad” word and told mum later in private. She said “that is just a little pet name he is calling you”.

I’m not free of mum…she is my mum…never thought of being free but I think I have to create distance as when I speak to mum it can trigger things from the past and I get really angry and distressed. That is not good for her nor for me. I wish I knew why she allowed these things to happen to us and why, in my view, she resented both me and my brother….perhaps because she split with my father before I was born and we ruined her life in her view.

How did you cope as a child when you had Spaths as parents? How did you escape to get a break in your mind if not physically? When did you realise they were Spaths? Did any of your family realise your suffering such as grandparents? Did anyone tell the child welfare? Your situation would have been a million times worse than mine.

NoContact

OK this is totally off-topic to the subject, it’s just an expression of THANKS! for the website and for all of your voices.

It’s so hard to resist the “love bombing” and so tempting to believe that the love is really for us, or about us, when really it’s a disguise for sick needs and feelings brought forward by unbalanced people in our lives. These relationships are so destructive and malicious that I’ve honestly come to imagine that these are the Biblical “end times” and we are seeing the battle of Good v Evil being played out in our lives — not like a Lord of the Rings episode, but in the daily confrontations in which we are forced to decide and recognize (not just in others, but in ourselves) whether Man is essentially a moral creation — or not.

I feel blessed with your virtual company and support this morning as I resist the latest bombing episode, after 32 years of episodes I am so tired! but you have made it possible, if not easy, to identify that’s what it is and that I’m not going nuts. For this, there aren’t words of appreciation enough to express my gratitude.

HopingToHeal

Kathy,
I second you statement of appreciation for this site. Just reading here helps keep my head clear.

I also agree with your theory of the battle of good and evil. I am constantly in a battle and like you, I am so tired. Thank goodness for a community that is so supportive and informative.

My prayer is that God gives us eyes to see Him in the dark.

Bally

Stargazer, thanks again for sharing your experiences and I’m reading carefully and picking up a lot of good advice. “They will re-traumatise you” – that is exactly what has happened to me – either mum having thrown me to the wolves again or using words (not deliberately) that causes me to have one of my flashbacks of the abuse.

Can you, Wendy, me, others ever get to the point where we don’t even think of it again? It appears that even when they die they are not fully buried by us.

Also you said that “I think those of us who never received real love from our parents spend our lives seeking the love we never got. This is why we get in and stay in abusive relationships. We are trying to heal those early wounds”. This appears to be true….even my brother is married to a spath and his life is horrendous but he accepts it. Question is, why do we stay in abusive relationships?

You seem to have so much to give and are so wise Stargazer, I wish my brother had of met someone like you.

Stargazer

Bally,

You asked if you, me, or Wendy et al could ever get to the point where we don’t think about our past. I would answer that by saying I don’t know if that’s what you really want. Because if you did, there are things like electric shock therapy that could make you forget your past. I think what would be more realistic and a goal to strive for is to heal the unresolved issues from the past so you can have the memories without the emotional charge, i.e., you don’t get triggered. Yes, this is absolutely possible.

It always used to trigger me when my mother talked about a trip she was taking or a new car she was buying. That is because I was so resentful that she had never helped me fix my tooth after she broke it or help me with school, therapy bills, or pretty much anything. So I resented everything she did for herself. After I released the resentment, it no longer bothered me to hear about her travels and new things. Yes, there definitely can come a time when your mother will be talking her same old trash, and it won’t bother you at all. But for now, since it bothers you, you need to ask yourself why and really go inside and heal that piece of yourself that feels slighted, neglected, or invalidated. It takes some focus. Once you understand where you feel invalidated and what you need validation for, guess what? You can give this validation to yourself! I actually have conversations as the adult with my inner child. I listen to her feelings and validate her. It works. A good therapist can guide you in this process. Or you can do it yourself.

Every time you do this, you heal not only yourself but everyone in your family. You heal the family dynamic, so you are no longer carrying this around, and you won’t pass it on.

Bally

ColoradoKathy, yes it is great to have such support, first time in my life I have had it…..and from people I don’t even know. There appears to be every subject covered that has relevance to us as individuals from Spaths as lovers, bosses, parents. I’m glad it gave you strength to have the support….although I’ve been a target of a couple of psychopaths I think my main problem stemmed from my mother’s behaviour….and I’m only just working this out now from Stargazer and Wendy…..mum helped set the foundations for the life of abuse and I built the house on it!

Delores

I had a weak needy mother. She had cancer when I was 14 and died when I was 18. My father worked two jobs to support the family but he was distant and had violent raging attacks when he beat us. Just the girls, our brother was exempted from the physical part. He was the first born and it probably escalated over the years. I was the youngest, the bottom of the pecking order. There was love and support but not enough to offset the abuse. Mother allowed the older siblings to torment the younger ones.

I married a psychopath shortly after my mother died because he seemed safe. He was “just like me.” how could I know it was an act? He raped me violently on our honeymoon. For ten years I was his possession. Cognitive dissonance set in immediately because of my grief, youth and naivety.

I vowed to be a better parent than I had. I divorced the psychopath when he started abusing the children. I did not alienate the children but I protected them. But they were trauma bonded to him. My daughter says I was a wonderful mother but I changed. I did change when we moved within 50 miles of her dad and she started feeding me his lies.

I freaked and did everything I should not have done when she went NC with me. I am still guilty, he fed her ways to trigger me into a rage and then she learned how to do it herself. She uses it against me. Her NC brought back all of my prior trauma. I was on the verge of suicide. We now have a stand off with NC. I am not allowed to call, she does not answer the phone. I have no idea if she reads my email, I get no response.

Can any of you daughters help me know what to do. I have decided that nothing is the best thing but it is constant torment. I admit I was too attached and so was she but why must it be all or nothing? The am blamed for everything he does. 180% principle of psychopathy.

Your shares are so helpful to me. I hope mine are to you and we can look at both sides of the coin.

Hello All,
From time to time I read lovefraud again. I was on this website daily (sometimes major portions of the day) to seek answers and understand what had happened to me. This article really resonates and prompts me to log in and comment. I am divorced for 4 years now. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I really loved me husband. I kept convincing myself that he loved me too, but that he just didn’t know how to show it. He would tell me he loved me, albeit less and less frequently. I felt ashamed that I still loved him, knowing that he could no longer show love or proclaim love to me. The way he showed love to me was picking fights, insulting me, making me feel like I was never good enough, cheating on me, lying to me, hiding money, taking money and very selfishly buying certainly more than His share of “things” that didn’t benefit US, and on and on. So yes, a very strange way to show love indeed (sarcasm). This next paragragh I cut and pasted and should be read over many many times. There is a lot of truth in it and it’s a way you will all find healing.

See, I don’t think it’s a problem that you love your ex. I don’t think it’s something you should try to get rid of. It’s normal and natural to love someone you’ve been intimate with and shared many good times with, even if they are not good for you to be around. As much as I loved my mother, I could not be around her in the last several years of her life. It’s okay. It’s not something you should try to hide or get rid of. Just know he is not good for you and the appropriate distance with him is no-contact. If you must love him from a distance, you will still recover, as long as you keep him at the safe distance.

I did exactly this. And it works. I still love him, but in a very different way now. My former spouse is the father of my children and that’s it. I haven’t seen him in public for over 2 years now and I haven’t talked to him for over 3 years now. It’s nice. I like it that way. Breaking contact was a godsend and very healing. He wasn’t going to change – I think the mold was too set for he and I. As much as I asked for change, requested counseling and a different way to live and interact, It wasn’t going to happen. Do I still love him? Yes, a little. But here’s the deal…… the love was about me, not him. I am and want to be a loving person. I just give my love to him from a big distance.

It can be done. You don’t have to hate your ex, even if they were cruel, mean, liars, and cheaters. Just keep them at a distance, get them out of your life and don’t let them back in.

Feels so much better,
Honest kind giver

NoContact

There is so much wisdom in your post, thank you.

arbirdie

Thankyou everyo.e ive ever talked to thinks i am the crazy one, . Also this super smart well 2 doctors at tribal health told me things that have mDe me no counsler ever did they made me feel good about myself and that i am not dumb. Ii had 33 yra with my first husband and over 7 with my 2nd husband who raped beat drugged me threatened all the time i do love him but the last time for some reason he looked like him at first, then for the first time he did not look like my husband????? Like him but not him, have you ever heard of something like that?

NoContact

Yes, and you’re not dumb or crazy to think your 2nd husband looked and acted like he was “not himself.”

Stargazer

ColoradoKathy, I hope you are enjoying this lovely weather finally after the tornadoes and hail storms. I live in SE Denver, moving to Aurora soon. So greetings from a fellow Coloradan!

NoContact

And the same back at you, Stargazer!

Bally

Thanks Stargazer, like you, there is/was resentment. My brother and I get treated like trash and cannot even be called my our Christian names, taken out of school to work ASAP, paid for our own education, but my half-sister was treated like a queen/got private schooling, two degrees paid for, part of her house bought for her etc.

Mum continues the favouritism even though stepdad is dead and it hurts. But you are right, I can validate myself. And I will put a stop to mum guilt tripping/manipulating me. I have a better mother now as you say….me. I will guide myself to avoid harm and distress. I will trust myself. I’m a better mum to me then she could ever have been.

Thanks from the bottom of my heart Stargazer.

Stargazer

I like my second comment better, so I deleted this one. 🙂

Stargazer

Bally, I was the only one of my friends who put herself through college and most of grad school with no help whatsoever from parents. I am the only person I’ve ever met (besides my sister) whose parents never took their kids to a dentist. I was on my own and totally self-supporting when I was 16. There are many things I never got that I should have. I was resentful about this for years – until I got tired of the big chip on my shoulder. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life like that. I will tell you from the other side of it that I’m extremely grateful now that I had to do everything for myself. It taught me how to be resourceful and self-reliant. I’m very proud of my resourcefulness. It’s one of my best qualities. And I have my parents to thank for it. Doesn’t it sound strange? I’m actually thankful for the abuse – it has given me many gifts. I could never see them because I was so filled up with resentment and feeling different from other people and like life had been unfair to me. Now I realize I AM different from other people in some ways, but they’re good ways. I recently reconnected with an old friend from grad school who got her PhD. I had dropped out of the masters program due to lack of finances. I felt a twinge of envy and resentment that she got what I never got. That grad school was not cheap – it was a private school, so someone helped her pay for it. My life took a different course because of the poverty. But it taught me things my friends who have lived sheltered academic lives never learned. I used to be good friends with a very kind doctor who was doing his fellowship at the hospital where I work. He used to come to me for massages, and I think he actually was interested in me romantically. He told me about his life of academics (which, of course, his parents funded). When I told him of some of my travels and adventures, he was SO jealous of ME! He admired me for being so brave and adventurous, and self reliant. He would be terrified to venture out of his safe academic world and do some of the things I’ve done. This gave me a lot of perspective. I always thought it would be great to have stayed in grad school and become an academic. I learned from him that no matter where you are in your life, you can be happy and teach someone something.

I’m wondering if you ever wrote your mom a sincere letter and told her how her behaviors hurt you and why it’s so hard to let go of the past? Not that she would want to hear it, but maybe you need to sit down and write it as if you were going to have a heart-to-heart for the last time. Get it all out. You can imagine she is dying and this is your last chance to tell her how you feel – how deeply hurt you are. When you’re writing, imagine she is listening and that she cares. This will help you get the feelings out more. If you cannot imagine her caring, tell her that, too. Tell her everything you feel and what you want from her in the letter. See how you feel about it after you write it. You may or may not want to send it.

Depending on how much anger you have inside of you, you may need to do some screaming and yelling to get it out. If it’s rage, you will probably have to do that. If you don’t know, the best advice I have for you is to pray for understanding and clarity. Pray for help to release the anger. And then be open to whatever form the help comes in. Maybe you need just the right therapist. Or maybe you just need to write the letter. Deep inside, YOU know exactly what you need to do. The important thing is to have the intention to get to the other side of it. Be the person you want to become. Just be her. Humbly ask for help if you need it. If you have this intention to heal, you WILL get there. (((hugs to you))) Star

Barb

My dad owned a textile mill and was not with the family often. I used to question his having an affair. Maybe he was more of a narcissist than a sociopath. He could hurt me without any sense of harm to me. He told me my intelligence was ‘questionable’ while the whole family sat in a counseling session. His exact words, ‘Someone with your intelligence cannot afford to talk right now…’ Really? I was the one who suggested family counseling (now that WAS stupid) and he said that to me.
On another day (when I wanted to wash dishes at a restaurant) he said, “You’re too smart for that”.
The curious thing about it was that he seemed angry and dissatisfied even when my talents showed through. He was never happy. And he crippled his children (some of us) by giving money instead of real life support (he could not even answer my question about interest on money…there was no comprehensible answer from him).
When my brother went psychotic and ended up in Bridgewater State Hospital for eight years I watched this man dutifully visit my brother (but in appearance only). I am sure my brother did not hear anything serious or adult coming from my father.
I know the pain of loving him and fearing him. I can so relate to your story.
A part of me will always love him…yes, I love you Dad. But you hurt me so much.

NoContact

Barb, I would bet my bottom dollar that my children feel exactly, but exactly, as you have written at the conclusion of your post: that they love their father dearly (maybe even more because of his apparent flaws) but that he has hurt them — “so much.”

How painful it is, to encounter my worst fears as a mother.

How inspiring it is, however, to see how you have survived them anyway! You have given me hope that at least one of my beloved daughters will endure this and come to see in full dimension, the fact that it is Not. Her. Doing.

I believe that it is part of our journey, in some essential way that we just don’t perceive right now, to have this experience. Maybe it’s a spiritual test, one we decided to take, or like Donna’s own story a circuitous route toward a “right destination” that we can’t imagine from where we are right now. Either way, what’s most important is that we grow and learn from all our experiences, so I am vicariously proud of you from afar, for having done so! and pray my kids will remain not only as articulately intelligent as you are on the topic, but as understanding and loving of themselves.

Right On, Barb: Loving him and still being aware that he hurt you, is the best result you can get. It beats the heck out of pretending one or both of these elements don’t exist, and healing won’t occur until my daughters can also accept them both. Thank you for your living example that it is possible to do so, with insight and honesty.

I think every mother of such a child would say: I have suffered the torments of the Damned for having exposed you to such a person. Please know that I didn’t understand!! and would never have knowingly hurt you or put you into a position of harm. Words can’t express my sorrow! for making you an involuntary victim of your father’s disorder. 🙁

SER

Barb…I hate to say this, but you are probably right about your dad having an affair/affairs when he was never home. That is what my ex was doing…he was never home with his kids; it’s so sad. He missed all the best growing up years of their lives. Now they are 14 and 16 and getting older and I think they love him a lot despite all the evil he has done…the affairs, the lying, cheating, being fired from his job…all of it. He is still their dad and I actually saw a tweet just a few months ago that his 14 year old daughter tweeted…”I literally love my dad so much.” My heart just dropped. I guess I felt how unfair it was that she loves him so much when he did so much harm. That’s the problem…everyone still seems to love him no matter what he does…what is up with that?? Someone said and I think it was on here…I think it was Joyce who said that sometimes the kids love the disordered parent more because they have to work harder to get their love…they know the good parent loves them and will always be there for them, but the bad parent isn’t, so it’s almost like a challenge to get the bad parent to love them. My ex did or still does the same thing to his kids that your dad would do…he says subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) put downs all the time. He usually says them in jokes and sarcastic humor. Sigh.

Bally

Stargazer thank you again for your support and sharing your experiences. My mum isn’t a sociopath but there are similar behaviours to your mum. There is a bit of narcissism such as my half sister being the golden child, me the scapegoat, extreme jealously of me and my brother if anything went well for us, allowed us to be abused and always put us in danger, lies a lot to make herself look good or to defend late stepdad and golden child, will not acknowledge any wrongdoings and never makes a sincere apology (always wrapped in sarcasm) still views herself as the best mum on earth and expects special treatment etc etc. She also, I believe, has dependent personality disorder behaviours.

I think your idea of a letter is a good one in general….however mum doesn’t want to know how I feel. She will just either go into a rage and be the victim or say “I’m sorry you feel like that”. That’s how she has behaved in the past. She cannot empathise or will not.

The way forward is to not put myself in a position that I can be triggered into flashbacks of the past. I only have these with mum. So I need to limit calls and communicate by email until I can control this. Already I feel relieved. Was thinking tonight that maybe I have a bit of PTSD. Hope not!

Thank you again Stargazer.

Stargazer

Bally, you could always write the letter but not send it. The point is to get your feelings out so you can let them go.

Bally

Thanks Stargazer, yes I have done that a few times…then I was persuaded to go back to the lions den and was thrown to the wolves again….people do not change is what I learned.

Stargazer

Bally, how long are you going to keep trying to get the love from your family that they cannot give you? How many times will you keep going back before you decide to go out and live your own life?

Bally

Stargazer, I’m almost 48. It is ok I went NC many years ago then stepdad died. I didn’t talk about it to anyone as didn’t want sympathy, I wanted to be seen as from a normal family. So it was good to chat to you in safe environment.

Issue is that I get triggered when speaking with mum, transports me to the 30 years + of abuse.

I’ve decided to (for now) communicate by email until I can get boundaries on the conversation and also to work out how to not be triggered.

You have helped tremendously, thank you.

Stargazer

I wish you peace and healing, Bally, whatever route you take. Though you probably won’t be able to talk about your past with your mom, I hope there is someone you can talk to. I’m glad even talking about it here is helpful.

I am still grieving a relationship with a dance partner that I got very close to a few years ago. Though I’ve told the story a dozen times, I still find myself crying whenever I tell it. I am just amazed at how deep pain can go when we have bonded with someone and they hurt us. And I only knew him for a few years! We all need to be so gentle with ourselves.

Bally

Thank you Stargazer, you have a heart of pure gold. I’m sorry that you have been hurt by the dance partner. Some we don’t care about after a while and others leave a lasting memory. His loss from how I see you as a person but that doesn’t comfort you. But if they hurt us maybe they are just not right for us.

It was really so helpful having you the last few days to chat to. Honestly it was great. Mum wants to speak to me and I will send her an email instead just now to talk about boundaries in the conversation. Things that trigger me. I’m starting to wonder if I have some sort of PTSD because certain words trigger memories – but I only get angry with mum. I cannot control it and I’m upset for weeks after and start dreaming at night of the past. I guess that is because I hold her responsible. Also she never will never listen or say she is sorry so that made it worse. So no point going there. I have to work out how not to get triggered and right now I need a break from speaking to her. I’m not fit to chat just yet.

I do believe mum has some disorder. Some traits of narcissism and also dependent personality disorder if that is possible. I could be wrong but there can be no other reason why she did what she did. But it isn’t right that I suddenly flare up with anger, honesty it just happens and I cannot stop it once I’ve been triggered, so setting boundaries with her will hopefully help.

Stargazer

Bally, You are making great observations. If your mother wasn’t disordered, why are you getting triggered into anger whenever you talk to her? Your feelings are giving you information. Keep listening. Your mom is probably not a safe person to express your feelings to, and this is part of why you are angry, because you can’t express your feelings to her. And you may have a backlog of feelings that you have stuffed down over the years. Your feelings have great wisdom. She cannot listen. But you can! (listen to yourself)

I know I talk a lot about forgiveness. But before you can get to the forgiveness, you have to know what you are dealing with, and to really feel your feelings completely. When you’ve worked through anger, forgiveness is a much more natural process.

Bally

Thanks Stargazer, I did write to mum saying in think I may have PTS and a few of the events that caused it and hence certain things triggered a reaction in me. I asked her not to talk about certain things as it may trigger a reaction and it must be terrible for her when I get triggered. I said I really appreciate she checks on my house while I’m not there and as she is my mum I needed to set boundaries in the conversation so we can communicate without me being triggered. This is what she wrote back:

“I have received your email. If you do not wish to speak to me then I do not want to add to your unhappiness. You have left me in no doubt what you think of me.

I am going out this morning also. I only wanted to speak about the cutting of your garden & hedge. I cannot make these decisions without your input. It is you who will be paying for it. I will tell the gardener that I will have to delay it unless you wish to contact him??”

Then gave me numbers for the gardener.

Stargazer, what I read is that she has turned this around to make me feel guilty at writing it. No acknowledgement of my post traumatic stress, then carried on to say she wanted to speak about my garden. Perhaps mothers would normally have said “we can work on this together” or “you need to get it treated”.

Stargazer

Bally, even in your comment about PTSD, you are still trying to get her to acknowledge you. She apparently is not willing to acknowledge you and feels attacked whenever you bring up any kind of grievance about the past, even in the form that you did. She is in denial and probably will not change. You have a choice of whether you want to be in a relationship with her on her terms. This is exactly what happened with my mother. I chose no relationship because I could not handle her denial – it was too upsetting and I kept getting triggered. No matter what I did, said, or tried, she never would or could hear me. And yours won’t either. But you keep trying. If you want to go NC with your mom, then you will have to accept that she will be angry and will not understand. If you try to limit the conversation, she may retaliate by going NC with you. This is who she is. So you need to decide if this is someone you want to have in your life – because it will always be on her terms. My mother was just like yours. I chose to sever ties once I figured out that our relationship would have to be on her terms, which meant she wouldn’t acknowledge my pain. You cannot get blood out of a stone.

I wasn’t until many years after I went NC with my mom that I finally let go of the past grievances. When this happened, I still didn’t trust her or want a relationship with her, but I just stopped being angry and felt only love. When she died, I was at peace. I no longer had the need for her to acknowledge my pain because I had let go of the pain.

Stargazer

Here is something else that may really be of help to you.

When I wrote the final letter (in email form) to my mother, I think I told you that I listed her behaviors from the past and how I had suffered as a result long into adulthood. I wanted her to acknowledge my suffering, and I wanted her to make amens – on MY TERMS, not on hers. For her, amends meant sending me gifts and trying to mother me as an adult, though I didn’t need her mothering then. MY TERMS meant that she paid me back for the dental work from the tooth she broke (which she didn’t even remember doing) and help me with the cost of therapy.

This letter was different from the others in that I began to see cause and effect – that when a certain event happened, this is how I interpreted it, and how I responded to it. I realized that this might be different for different people. For instance, my sister reacted to other forms of abuse that didn’t bother me at all. I had felt a certain way, interpreted the events a certain way, and lived my life a certain way because of these events. A lightbulb went on in my head when I realize that the way I responded to these events – and was STILL responding to the past events – was MY CHOICE. If I could choose to be hurt about something, couldn’t I just as easily unchoose it? So that is what I did. I decided not to let these things define and control my life any more. In reality, my mother had no more effect on what I feel in the present moment then anyone else did – except for me. The things she did were in the past. But this is not the past – this is the present. And I could choose to just start over in the present and not continue to feel victimized by the past. It was a mental shift I made after I wrote her that last letter. The letter was clear, non-attacking, and really not even angry. It was just simply my way of holding her accountable. But she refused to take responsibility. So then what?

Here’s what. There are MANY many injustices in the world. There are people who are going to step on your toes. There are people who will put you down, steal from you, criticize you, and belittle you. So what? Are you going to let these people define your level of happiness? Life is unfair in many ways. As an adult, you can CHOOSE to rise about it and not let your life be defined by these things. You can choose to let them go. It would have been nice if my mother had acknowledged my pain, but she could not. She had never processed the pain from her own childhood. She tried, but she could not fathom the extent of my suffering. Neither can a lot of people. So what? Is this going to determine whether I’m happy or not? When I realized I was in control of my own destiny – and I didn’t have to wait for my mother to acknowledge me – it was more freeing than I could ever describe to you. I learned that my happiness is NOT dependent on what others do.

More later – have to go to Zumba class. Peace and love….Star

Bally

Thanks Stargazer for taking the time to write all the advice. I agree we have choice of how to respond. However, what I don’t feel I’m able to control is my reaction to the triggers set off by mum. It is like someone else is possessing me when it happens. And this is not like me. And it only happens with mum.

I feel better for not speaking to her – must be nearly a month now. It has helped me wind down.

When I’m ready I will see if I can control my response to triggers and remind myself I choose my response. But at the moment I want some distance.

Your last posting in particular was very helpful. Thank you.

Stargazer

You may want to work with a trauma specialist who can help you with the PTSD. My take on it is that you need to let the anger come out and process it (away from your mum). But maybe there is some other kind of help that will be more beneficial to you – a way to release it without triggering it. I used to get triggered into rage pretty easily by my mom and a few select others who reminded me of my mom, particularly if they were manipulative. I didn’t stop having these reactions until I actually let the rage come out later on.

I will write later about choosing how you think about your life and your past, because it’s extremely important. I’m running around today and likely busy for the next several days. Please take care. 🙂

Bally

Thanks Stargazer, much appreciated.

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