Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a man in the UK—we’ll call him “Tom.” Tom says his wife left him to be with another man, “Peter,” who Tom believes is a sociopath. Tom says he hasn’t seen his children in two years, he has been arrested on false charges nine times, and his money is gone. He has asked for help to determine what to do. If you have suggestions, please post them as comments.
My story is out of the movies and I have suffered so much that I no longer know what to do. I have lost my children, my home, my stability, my career and my wealth at the hands of two sociopaths. I am in recovery now, totally broke, practically homeless and mentally and emotionally scared beyond words.
I have been arrested nine times through false allegations aimed at financial and custodial gain. I have been denied seeing my children for two years and the lawyers have taken most of the benefit in terms of assets and cash and the wheels of justice slowly turn one full turn per year.
For the first six months I could not wash myself and shave without being pressured by a family member to do so. I had collapsed internally and had four near-fatal car accidents, survived the tsunami in Southeast Asia and my credit rating is worthless. I lay in bed hoping for death to take me and could not will myself to live anymore.
For a human being to reach such a state and be mentally and emotionally tortured without any legal protection or justice is beyond belief.
I believe that my ex-wife is being manipulated but I could be wrong as she has drastically changed, going from being an angel to a demon. What is sure, though, is the guy she is with is very knowledgeable with regards to the law and I can summarise his profile with proof as follows:
- Lacks empathy or regret, no remorse, no heart.
- Legal mind and knows the system and how police work.
- Reads books on crime and police investigations (he comments on Amazon).
- Runs a charity for a front.
- May know people in the system.
- Like games and political manoeuvring.
- Compulsive liar and a cheat.
- Has airs of grandeur (believes he is great and invincible).
My early years
My family and I have suffered beyond imagination at the hands of two people. Are they both sociopaths, or is it just a weak ex-wife being manipulated by one? I don’t know.
I met my now ex-wife in France back in 1992 and it was a fairy tale love story. We both fell deeply in love and on the face of it this is what it seemed. We spent our days in each other’s arms as we travelled for mini trips through Switzerland, the French Rivera, Monaco and Italy; each night in a different country.
We lived together almost immediately in 1993 and I was there for her when her father died of cancer from which he had been suffering. I recall wiping her tears from her eyes as she cried in her sleep as I stroked her hair and assured her that I will look after her. I thought I was saving her from all the loss in her life: her misery, her lack of success in academia and most of all her lost father. She seemed to come alive when with me!!
We moved back home to the United Kingdom and I helped her master the language. Both of us were working to make ends meet as I finished my master’s. I paid for her university fees and spent the first two years helping her adjust. My mother clothed her and treated her like a daughter, my brothers like the sister they never had.
2002—onwards and upwards
Fast forward 10 years. We had become very successful; equity rich with two large homes in the city and country, cash rich and wealth in the bank and two healthy jobs earning the best part of US$200,000 between us.
It was 2002 and I had had just made it into a director’s role after working hard for nearly 10 years. She was still plodding along and had not had any serious promotions or taken any risks to climb. My risk taking had cost me plenty of jobs but I was still upwardly mobile. I had managed to secure my family’s future and my future at cost to me.
My work as a director involves long hours at times—60-80 hours per week—and having to live in France where it all started for me with my now ex-wife. I worked Monday-Friday and at the weekend I plane hopped and was home with her and my son. I was very exhausted and lonely at times but persevered as I had always done so in my life to success.
Things started to change very subtly and quietly with my now ex telling me that she did not love me anymore. I also found out that she had been going out on at least two occasions, leaving my son with a babysitter without my knowledge or consent.
I called on one occasion and she acted strange; the background appeared sterile or orchestrated and I asked her if everything with okay?
She started to act strange when I called, often crying and trying to instigate arguments, which I was at a loss to understand. In the end I capitulated and returned home, leaving my dream job to stay at home as a home father and house husband in the UK until I found something of equal calibre and excitement. I finished the year in 2002 by taking my now ex-wife to the Maldives and Dubai for a wonderful lifetime holiday and experience. We had a wonderful time and all seemed great.
2003—the mystery year
In April 2003, I was cleaning her clothes and came across her suit jacket, on the back of which I found a silvery, shiny substance. I though it was glue but my mind was saying otherwise. I said to myself, “stop overreacting and leave alone,” and that my relationship is based on trust.
From June to December 2003 I noticed that I would make a call and she would not answer the phone, and yet three to five minutes later call me back and the background would seem orchestrated or sterile.
In June 2003, she invited me to attend her male colleague’s “renewal of wedding vows” church ceremony, party and family gathering. The guy was called Peter and it was the first time we met. He appeared like a family man on the face of things, had a five-year-old son and although he appeared like a liar in some aspects of his conversation about money and his home, I made no inference at the time apart from thinking that he stretches the truth.
What was more peculiar on this day was that his wife approached me and said that she though my wife and Peter, as well as the other colleagues, were as “thick as thieves,” insinuating that he was always talking about my ex-wife. This struck me as a strange thing to say or think but again I ignored or simply forgot the comment with time.
By August 2003 my now ex-wife repeated the same thing to me: “I don’t love you anymore.” Hearing this a second time was like striking a hot knife through butter. I got up from my bed and slept in the other room and my eyes filled with tears and I began to cry at her brutal and uncaring words. Five minutes later she followed me into the other room and there and then we made love. We had a holiday break in Spain we enjoyed playing with my son and teaching him to swim.
By October 2003, she was playing her games again and once again the calls were strange with a fake and orchestrated background when I called, or simply sterile. I decided to challenge her and said that she had been seen in a car with another guy and she better get her backside home otherwise I will be divorcing her. She returned in tears, protesting her innocence and that she had done nothing wrong. I had began to lose trust and faith in her, and simply remained silent as she returned back to work.
Within two months she started to spend more time out of the house and the lies were becoming worse, but I remained patient hoping that she would change. She made up stories that consultants in her office are paying for the restaurant and all her buddies are going so could she go? I agreed on all occasions but what was becoming apparent was that her social life had now begun to affect her duties as a parent and mother for our son. This reached a peak when she decided to stay out all night, despite my objection, to go to a company party at a hotel just 10 minutes away. Why would a mother prefer to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away rather than her comfortable home with her son and husband?
By November/December 2003, she walked in and told me she was pregnant and that we need to work things out between us. I was amazed and at the same time did not know what she was talking about, “work things out.” Work what out? Obviously she knew more than me!!!
2004—the downward spiral
I started working again in this year as a consultant for the third largest IT company in the world. I started to concentrate on my career again, thinking mainly of this, but also discussing names and other things that you do when you are expecting another child.
I became very aware that I needed to tie things down and hold a job down and start taking less risk with my career now. I had made it to middle/senior management and didn’t really care if I climbed with speed now!!
I attended my wife’s pregancy scans. On one of the scan appointments, just before entering the hospital, my wife told me that Peter and his wife will be there and that Peter’s wife was also pregnant and there for a scan. This appeared strange but again I showed trust!!
By June 2004, I was working and my ex-wife was now seven months pregnant. I was scheduled to collect her mother up from the airport and got a call from her telling me the baby was in danger and she had been advised to rush to the hospital some 20 miles way from our home. I was 40 miles away so it would have been dangerous for me to tell her to wait. I told her to catch a cab and I’m on my way. Her response was don’t worry and just go and collect my mother from the airport. I rushed in the car, driving dangerously, so that I could collect her mother and then go home. On the way I got a call from her telling me Peter had picked her and my son up and he was taking them to the hospital.
I was furious and relieved at the same time. I could not understand why she called a colleague to take her when cabs were just outside in front of her. She was seven months pregnant after all. I thought to myself, “be patient with her and just be calm.” So I let it go and never showed my anger or frustration to her.
By July I was working at full speed in preparing the nursery and repairs between both houses, such that I could give 100 percent concentration to my child at birth. Once gain, another strange event took place. My ex-wife invited Peter and his son into our home and whilst I was outside, he proceeded to take a shower in my home. He also demonstrated that he had previously been in my home in the way he relaxed on our leather couch, lifting a leg up onto the couch in comfort.
I had reached boiling point and waited until he left. I had no proof but it was becoming blatantly obvious that something was wrong.
By August 2004 my daughter had just been born into my arms at the hospital. Two weeks later my wife was gone, running off with the sociopath and leaving me in jail. (Peter had deserted his wife and son, and the wife lost her pregnancy through miscarriage.) I had been set up with a knife placed under my car seat and allegations made against me. Strike one and first set-up by them!!
During these 2 weeks, I had been tortured emotionally and mentally with words from her lips that I cannot bring myself to utter, but with one aim in mind and that was to bring out rage such that I would strike her, which I never did. Her Plan B was the knife!!!
She threatened that she was going to DESTROY me and more.
She whispered words of sexual behaviour and antics that she had enjoyed whilst pregnant in the back of cars.
She abandoned my son for three weeks with my parents and then came in full force with police in September 2004, bugged with a microphone and trying to get me to fall into her trap by her make leading statements. It was a scene from NYPD Blue and I was the victim and the culprit all in one. I handed over my son and that was the last I ever saw of him, as he was led away by his mother.
Within two months her false allegations amounted to nothing and my bail was over. I was free to find my children, who had disappeared with their mother and her lover into the unknown.
Within weeks I received a divorce petition with more false statements alleging that I was in effect the boogeyman and using this as a means to divorce me; thereby hiding the truth of her adultery.
2004-2006—the aftermath and key points
• I have not seen my children in two years of litigation. This is quite common in my country and fathers groups exist and are fighting a campaign for changes in the law.
• The legal system has failed me and is simply geared at making money. Although it suggests that it cares for the rights of the child or children; this is not really the case.
• The wealth is mostly gone, haven been eaten up by the lawyers. I expect her cream from the split went mainly to the lawyers, and with it, the cream for the sociopath, Peter. I know her costs are triple mine, as I was legally aided and she was private.
• The sociopath Peter still has a loving relationship with his son and a very good relationship with his ex-wife. Peter’s ex-wife is protective of him and was fully aware of all the details with respect to my divorce and where my paperwork had been sent and filed. She also has been told about my character and my family. This appears strange to me.
• My ex-wife is protective of Peter’s wife. She does not want me contacting her and when I do, Peter becomes rattled.
• It was declared by Peter that he left with the shirt on his back, in effect taking nothing into the relationship with my ex-wife. My ex-wife, on the other hand, has walked off with half the assets worth in the region of US$200,000, but this has been eaten into by lawyer costs.
• There is a new law called the Civil Partnership Act of 2004 that allows a 50/50 split in assets for non-married partners. She has declared him as her partner on all affidavits and court paperwork.
• Peter has started to work on my son and scare him about me. He is programming his mind and I believe my ex-wife does leave him alone with this man on occasions.
• I know Peter is in fear of me and the day that I reach him, as I saw the look of fear in his eyes. His response is to resort to police calls, false allegations and attempts to incriminate me on harassment charges.
1. Any suggestions, advice, analysis and comments welcome!
2. Are they both sociopaths and just him?
3. How should I deal with this situation? Legally this did not work. He has my children and they are using them as pawns. I cannot wait 12 years to see them again.
4. Is my ex being manipulated with promises of love only so that he can get his hands on money and assets? I believe she is a source of money and sex for him for now.
5. Do you think that this is a scam, with both Peter and his wife involved for capital gain (a joint operation)?
6. She has taken all of what she is entitled to in settlement now. How long will it take before he turns on her? Her settlement was final in May 2006.
7. Does the Civil Partnership Act of 2004 mean that Peter is entitled to half of my ex-wife’s assets?