‘Under the ether’ – why you fell for the scam

When I finally realized that my husband was a complete con artist, and I had been thoroughly duped and betrayed, the person I was most angry with was myself. I’m intelligent, educated, responsible and self-sufficient. Why did I waste $227,000 of my hard-earned money on his so-called business plans? Most of them, it turned out, involved trysts with other women. Why did I believe him? Why did I fall for the scam?

I am certainly not alone in asking these questions. In 2021, American consumers lost a record $547 million in romance scams, according to the Federal Trade Commission (FTC). This was a jump of nearly 80% over 2020. Losses to romance scammers in the last five years totaled $1.3 billion.

People of all ages can fall for romance scams. From 2017 to 2021, the number of people aged 18 to 29 who reported romance scams increased tenfold, according to the FTC. The median loss for this age group was $750. But as people got older, they lost more money. For those age 70 and older, the median loss was $9,000.

What makes people susceptible

How does this happen? Are there personality traits or characteristics that make people fall for the scams?

The American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) has been researching this question for years. One of the researchers is Doug Shadel, an experienced fraud investigator. He talked about his goals in the AARP Magazine. “Once we discovered the single character flaw unique to all victims,” he wrote, “we would tell the world, eliminate this scourge of fraud and be done with it.” This wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be.

Two decades later, Shadel and colleagues reached a conclusion: There is no universal character flaw that makes people susceptible to fraud. They found that it doesn’t matter who you are. What matters is how you are when the pitch gets made.

AARP research

Last year, AARP released a report on the factors that best predict whether someone will lose money in a financial scam, A Moment’s Notice: Recognizing the Stressful Life Events, Emotions and Actions that Make Us Susceptible to Scams.

Much of the previous fraud research focused on cognitive factors. Did the people who fall for scams not have the intellectual ability to see that something was too good to be true? Were they lacking in financial literacy? No and no. It turned out that intelligence was not a determining factor — plenty of educated, intelligent people (like me) fell for scams.

The new AARP research surveyed people who had lost money in financial fraud and compared their responses to people who had not lost money. The analysis found four factors that best predicted losing money to scams. They are:

Stressful life events

Fraud victims experienced twice as many stressful life events, such as death of a family member, loss of a job, or feeling lonely during the time they encountered fraud than non-victims.

Less social/family support

Fraud victims reported significantly less family support and closeness than non-victims.

Stronger emotions

Victims reported far stronger emotional responses during fraud encounters than non-victims. These emotions were both positive and negative and led to more victims feeling out of control.

Targeted by scammers

On average, fraud victims reported 60% more fraud encounters than non-victims.

“Under the ether”

The first clues on what made people fall for the scam came from scammers themselves. In 2012, Shadel authored a book called Outsmarting the Scam Artists, which detailed the most prominent warning signs of fraud schemes. As part of the research, AARP interviewed convicted fraudsters about their strategies. The goal, the scammers always said, is to put the target “under the ether,” meaning in a heightened emotional state.

“Veteran scammers know if the target of the fraud is in a heightened emotional state like fear or excitement, they are much easier to manipulate because they are less likely to be thinking rationally, but instead reacting emotionally,” the AARP report states. “During such moments, it may not matter how much education or financial literacy one has, because the cognitive part of our brain has been sidelined and our emotions are being manipulated by skilled con artists.”

Emotional arousal

Con artists, therefore, intentionally try to get us worked up. Interestingly, it doesn’t matter whether the emotions are positive or negative, as long as they are strong. Are you excited about all the attention you’re receiving from a new love interest? That will make you fall for the scam. Are you afraid that you’re going to lose a relationship, your job or your house? That works, too.

The survey data showed the relationship between strong emotions and fraud susceptibility. According to the report, “Not only do victims report significantly more and stronger emotions at the time of fraud encounters, but significantly more victims report feeling out of control during these encounters, which is precisely the goal of the scammer.”

The research also found that stressful life events, such as illness, death of a loved one or loss of a job, all increased the chances that someone would fall for a scam. Scammers know this, so they intentionally probe for weaknesses. Are you recently widowed or divorced? Suffering from an illness? Worried about finances?

A key vulnerability is loneliness. The AARP study found that fraud victims were more than twice as likely to report feeling lonely in the past year than non-victims.

Applies to all kinds of scams

The AARP research focused specifically on victims of financial fraud. But as we well know, sociopaths, who are con artists, scam us out of more than money. They may want a place to live. They may want services such as childcare or housekeeping. They may want us to support their business plans. They may want sex.

Whatever they want, they use the same strategies as the financial fraudsters — they probe for our weaknesses and then put us “under the ether.”

Learn more: Sociopathic seduction — How you got hooked and why you stayed

Therefore, to protect ourselves from falling for con artists and other sociopaths, we need to understand that stress and emotional arousal make us more vulnerable. If we’re feeling emotional or out of control, we should be aware that this is not the time to be making important decisions.