By February 13, 2008 54 Comments Read More →


Last week I asked whether there might be physical consequences to life with a psychopath. Judging from the many and fascinating reader responses it seems that many people suspect that these relationships have indeed affected their health. Boldily pains, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, weight fluctuations, difficulties with sleep, headaches – all these and more either started or worsened at the time of the relationships. Some ailments straight away resolved themselves when the relationship ended, others linger.

Before I give a brief conceptualisation of a linkage between life events and physical health I must clarify terms. I am not talking here about hypochondria, imagining and and worrying about being ill. I am talking about psychosomatics, a term which has become confused for some to mean, ‘it’s all in your mind.’ Psychosomatic ailments are real ailments. A migraine headache, even if it has a psychological element, has real constriction of blood vessels, real pain, real vomiting, real response to medication – it is not imagined. As you’ll see below, to me it makes no sense to speak of something being only in the mind.

A personal example

Since childhood I suffered from migraine headaches. There is probably some genetic disposition at work – my mother and her sister were both migrainous. There were some physical things that seemed to make my migraines more likely – bright light, dehydration. However, there was also something psychological at work. How do I know? First, while I usually got three of four migraines a year, one year I was migrainous during each weekly session of a class I was teaching – too much of a coincidence. Second, although my migraines weren’t an actual topic during my therapy when I trained as a psychotherapist, somehow my migraines stopped then. Therapy is not all I was doing. I was seeing a chiropractor, doing Pilates, improving my diet, writing.

What happened? In short here’s what I’ve come to. For me migraines were in part the consequence of unexpressed anger. (During the course I was teaching I was angry about something but did nothing about it because one doesn’t get angry with one’s students, right?). Somehow the combination of psychotherapy and other activities untied that particular emotional/physical knot for me and since then it has not been necessary for me to have a migraine. Now if I feel a fluttering in my left temple I say to myself, “There’s something (emotional) going on”, and that redirection of attention seems to be enough.

I’m not suggesting anyone’s else’s journey will go the same way as mine did. In fact I know that’s most unlikely. Each person needs to work out their own – preferably multi-pronged – approach. NB Please do not take this a recommendation to eschew regular medical treatment; when I say ‘multipronged’ I mean tackle the matter from several angles including, of course, medical science.

Psychesoma, MindBody

Body-mind medicine is not everyone’s cup of tea. If you are interested see this review of a recent book on the field’s history.

Here are some notions on psychosomatics from Dr. Brian Broom (see also here and here):

What are some of the assumptions then, of MindBody healing?

  • Body and mind are inextricably involved with each other, indeed they cannot be separated.
  • Mind elements are important in developing, triggering and perpetuating disease.
  • Mind elements also play a role in wellness and protection from disease.
  • Sometimes there needs to be a pure focus on the body as the best approach to illness, while at other times a pure focus on the mind is more important.
  • In many situations, however, a combined approach is likely to give the best outcome for the patient.
  • It is important to attend to ”˜mind’ in all patients, even in what is normally regarded as ”˜physical’ illness. Attending to mind implies many elements including: respect for the patient’s ”˜illness experience’; listening for the meaning of illness; understanding the individual’s model of illness; regard for the role of trauma; attention to family, relationship, societal, cultural, and spiritual forces promoting illness or healing; regard for the influence of sociological factors such as poverty, unemployment, and loss of identity; and the role of biomedicine in rendering mind aspects invisible.

Chronic stress
Life with a psychopath provides great and ongoing inner tension and may also inhibit the ways that tension can be relieved. While it’s neither the whole story nor everyone’s story, it makes sense to me that there may be a lot more bottling up in a relationship with a psychopath than normal and what has been bottled up may well have consequences.

We are beings who, it seems, will make manifest what’s going on inside, whether we do it through action, emotions, expression, or bodily symptoms.

Next week I will describe one simple method that has been scientifically shown to improve some ‘physical’ ailments which have a psychological component. In the meantime, what have you found that helps?

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54 Comments on "BodyMind"

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I admire you because you’re still standing, having not been demolished by the evil one. Our spath is in jail (in another state). I am hoping that he can remain there for a while longer. It is nice NOT having him around. Mental and emotional stability is returning to me (for which I am grateful). We all have something in us that causes us to withstand the assaults against us. Hopefully, the angels are standing around us, guarding and protecting us while we recover from the chaos that has been thrown our way. Peace.

Hi Bluejay

When I got him out and ran for help I felt that I had escaped from a concentration camp. I was so numb both psychologically and emotionally that I felt autistisic. My head and body felt completely disconnected from each other and I was totally detatched.

They pulled me from the brink of a stress breakdown which would have hospitilised me.

I could barely speak and all I could repeat over and over the threat to my children.

Aussiegirl Is right. I have come along way. I thought I was so damaged that I was a gonner. But my kids and animals kept me going. They depended on me.

I redecocorated my home all over, This kept me busy as I had so much adrenaline and fear pumping through me. I hardey knew what I wasdoing.

But it turned out nice and it reassured the kids that we were not at rock bottom poverty wise-even though we were. No rainy day money saved. I thought my marriage was sound.

If anyone had told me that Iwould be sitting here writing and that my head had connected to my body again–I wouldn’t have believed them.

I am so glad you are gettng peace and yes Ireally think that I have a guardian angel.

Financialy I seem to get by and Ithink someone is up therepaving the way until I heal.

Aussigirl–You are right-I have come quite far but still a ways to go.

Sorry about the typos. Everytime I try to correct it cancels out the letter before. I need to wait until my son wakens to fix it.

Take care all

And thank for listening

When I initially read this article I thought about how my life was in complete chaos and it truly affected my body and mind. Then I sat back and realized that I wasn’t the only one, I have four children that range from 13 to 4 years old. My oldest has been tremendously affected by this. During the time I had this person in my life, in our life my son experienced overwhelming headaches, chest pains, dizziness, and nervousness. I always felt it affected my kids to a certain degree but as I relive the last two years in my head it was turmoil for all.

you are a kindred spirit because of your experience.
As I used to say, “welcome to the worst club of the best people.” It doesn’t matter how long you’ve posted or read, you are still one of us.

As the community grows and shifts, the “personality” changes a bit, that’s true. But for the most part I have observed, I think correctly, that most people here are more sensitive and conscientious than the average joe. It’s our strength and our weakness. It’s why spaths targeted us.

So part of being here is trying to shore up our defenses on that front. How do we make our loving, compassionate nature less vulnerable without losing it?

I think, the answer is to somehow turn that love and compassion on ourselves. It’s hard.

Anyone who has advice I’d love to hear it.

Hi Skylar

For me -I watch signs that I am being triggered e.g my pity.

If it seems iffy then I am off as I have really serious trust issues.

I take my time in offering my services as I observe what they are wearing and how they are acting. I just stay quiet. If I think it is genuine then I will offer a solution. If I am in doubt I just say ‘I can’t help you’ or remain quiet.

I usually look for win win solutions, but in saying that I think I will pass on any future romantic relationships-just companionship and friendship.

Just play my cards close to my chest until I feel safe, which could be a long time.

Take care


Little White Horse,

I am right where you are with relationships. Though I do not know what the future will bring, the farther I emotionally move away from my ex-P, the more I realize I have no interest in any type of romantic relationship. Like you, I am only allowing companionship and friendship into my world……and being extremely careful with that as well.

I feel good that I am finally becoming comfortable with who I am……just as I am.

Take care


LWHorse, the thing is that we WANT SO BADLY to prove it to others at first…but then they do not validate our TRUTH, and we are doubly devastated! I have found that learning to VALIDATE THE TRUTH MYSELF is the only way I can fly. If I am the only one in the world that believes it, that is okay.

Heck my new therapist thought I was a paranoid nut job til I brought in proof and a witness. That YES MY ENTIRE FAMILY IS TRYING TO KILL ME!~ And I can laugh about it now, and some day you will too! (((hugs))))

LWHorse, I’ve reached the same conclusion as Oxy.

I started seeing a psychologist almost four years ago after experiencing a sexual assault. As things progressed my marriage started to crumble and she eventually was telling me my 30 year marriage was “not real”as it became apparent I was married to a P. When I finally came to grips with this and started sharing some of my experiences, she started told me she thought I was becoming delusional. As we all echo, no one can comprehend it until they’ve live it. I stopped seeing her as I KNOW what the truth is and what I’ve encountered.

I too felt strongly compelled to “prove” it to others, probably for my own validation. Finally I believe I am through the worst of that however now recognize I had to reach a certain point in my own healing to get there. I had to feel whole again, and that is a process I achieved by taking one baby step at a time. You will get there too LWHorse. Every step IS progress.

Keep the faith.


bluejay –

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers 🙂
Just remember that we have ALL travelled hard roads – yourself included. Keep being good to YOU. xx

Skylar –

“part of being here is trying to shore up our defenses on that front. How do we make our loving, compassionate nature less vulnerable without losing it?”

Such a great point. I think I’m striking that balance these days – finally! Bit of a slow learner, it’s ONLY taken me 45 years and 2 spaths!!! xx

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