Is every violent person a sociopath? Are all sociopaths violent? What is the relationship between violence and sociopathy/psychopathy? These are the questions we will think about here. I welcome your comments and stories.
In his book “On Aggression” Nobel Prize winning ethologist Konrad Lorenz expressed deep concern for the human race. He pointed out that other social animals have “releasers;” these are inborn signals that turn off aggression. For example, when wolves fight, if one animal turns over on its back, the fighting generally stops. The purpose of aggression in social species is simply to enforce dominance, so when the victor gets the signal it is dominant, the fighting stops.
Lorenz said screaming and crying act as releasers for humans as these tend to inhibit aggression. The problem for humans is that we have created weapons that enable aggression to occur at a distance so the natural releasers don’t have a chance to turn it off.
Yet we also know there are those who enjoy seeing other people suffer. In these individuals there is not only no mechanism to stop aggression, there is also a positive incentive toward violence. An extreme example of this is serial killers who seek out victims to enjoy the act of killing them. Some people are fascinated and mystified by the behavior of these serial killers, but actually the behavior is pretty simple to understand. I’ll explain it using two other pleasures with which you are familiar- eating and sex. These are two examples that illustrate the way the pleasure system works.
First, let’s consider eating. The purpose of eating is to nourish the body, but eating is also much more than that. Eating gives us pleasure and can even reduce anxiety. Why it is that eating feels good is likely connected to our need to overeat during times of plenty. Eating during times of plenty allows us to become fat and thus protected from famine. If eating stopped once the body was nourished, we couldn’t get fat. So to keep us eating more and more, Mother Nature made it an enjoyable act.
There are different was to get pleasure from eating. Foods that are sweet, sour, fatty, or meaty all stimulate different nerve cells. People also differ with respect to the pleasure associated with different tastes. Some people don’t like sweets very much and some people are repulsed by meat.
Now consider that sex is the same as eating in many ways. The “purpose” of sex is procreation, but it also strengthens social bonds, is pleasurable and reduces anxiety. We are prone to becoming “oversexed” just as we are prone to becoming obese. There are also different flavors of sexual pleasure.
The dominance system is another instinctive behavioral system just like the feeding and sex systems. The pleasures associated with the dominance system come in different “flavors.” One “flavor“ or pleasure associated with this system is winning at a competition. Whether the competition is a chess or baseball game, winning is a pleasure.
In social groups the dominant members are the “enforcers” as they get to administer rewards and punishments to others. Helping people can actually be a function/pleasure of the dominance system. Similarly, enjoyment of hurting others is also part of dominance. The alphas get to punish those who don’t do what they want and they take pleasure in inflicting this punishment.
What we see in some sociopaths is a type of “fetish” of the dominance system. Just like some people are excessively turned on sexually by underwear, some sociopaths are excessively turned on in the dominance sense by violence.
If you think about what I am saying you will see that there are two pathways to violence in sociopaths. The first is an immediate impulsive response to threats to their dominance. The second is a premeditated seeking out of the pleasure associated with hurting. Both of these occur and the presence of one correlates with the presence of the other because an over active dominance drive underlies both.
Lack of empathy is important to the development of the enjoyment of violence because a person who lacks emotional empathy, lacks the releaser Lorenz talked about so there is nothing to turn off the violence. But it is also possible that some sociopaths have a modicum of empathy that is drowned out by the pleasures of dominance.
The take home message for you is that if you are involved with a person who is preoccupied with dominance, control and manipulation you have to wonder what violence they are capable of. It is like the sexual pervert, you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. We just do not know how to pick out those sociopaths who lead secret lives in which they kill. If you know a sociopath who has a track record of violence, please assume the person is potentially very dangerous.
Erin, start the journey of loving yourself.
My long journey on this quest was what saved me from the last one after me. In my past, I was so looking for love from a man.
But my journey showed me that the healthy love of myself was key, then add in exeperience and common sense. It is easy to get ‘caught’ up in what looks like love, ‘contrived’ love if you will.
My father is emotionally abusive and an alcoholic. So, I have had two husbands that were alcoholics after vowing to myself as a young adult that I would never be around that. I have had several emotionally abusive relationships.. because I didn’t know what love really felt like. This last man, went though all the words and actions, yet I could never connect with him.. I feel it showed me that I am healing, in that, I have learned to love me and to see and feel truth.. and this man was not truth but he was a really good imitation.
Everyone likes to hear the words I love you. You are beautiful. You are wonderful.. but learn to hear the why of these words.. if they are spoken through enough experinces as friendship and time to have love develope … then there is truth in it. If they are spoken after two weeks of romance then nope.. they are illusion…
That ‘love’ drug is powerful… I don’t want the ‘love drug’. I choose now the real enduring emotion. And love for yourself, is a place to begin. You are okay just as you are and it matters not if you have someone telling you that you are loved… fill yourself up.
I held this last man at arm’s length… I was suspicious. His pronounments of love felt shallow.. as it was too soon for him to feel so intensely. And he had married a woman prevouisly in his life after a couple of weeks and I found that to be CRAZY! Ask questions, get to know the man.. before the ‘love’ thingy.. and if he won’t answer then be strong enough in yourself to pull back and observe. I was correct with this last man.. I was what ‘he’ wanted as a wife. I ‘fit’ his bill… but he didn’t take the time to know me enough to love me. So, learn to know yourself and listen to your instincts.
I missed him yesterday because I went to a place that we frequented often.. we did have fun together out and about.. he is a ‘fun’ person.. as long as things are going his way.. but he could turn into the devil quickly and he was very judgemental ‘according’ to his twisted sensabilities..
Today.. I am in the middle of a workout and am back to seeing him clearly..
So wait until you know that you are seeing clearly before ‘falling’ for the “I love you.”
If Tom Cruise can say it in a movie… any man with a brain or even half a brain can copy it…
Great post. I kept thinking about it and while walking saw a dog, barking, mean, dog behind the Invisible Fence. And – I thought to myself – what if electricity goes out?
A dog, sensing fear, bites. Even if you lay on your back, it’ll bite. Fear intensifies aggression in a vicious animal. Hmmmmm
So, if I fear the P, he’ll bite… and – if I won’t fear him, he’ll find a way to Make Me fear him, as mine did. But, he did not want me to fear him while we were together. He manipulated me all right, but was never violent. Caring and kind was the name of the game. Until all pieces fell into place that is 🙁
Dear getting it,
A dog kept on a chain and frustrated and/or taunted become viscious quickly, even a “nice” dog, I thinnk sometimes that Ps are like that chained up dog, they never seem to get what they want, are always frustrated, and ultimately become more adept at violence both emotional and physical as they age rather than getting more mellow. Just MHO
OxD, I personally will not underestimate violent tendencies of spathy. From my experience, domestic violence/abuse is directly related to spathy, as well as violent criminal offenders.
Like I keep saying, I just don’t know where this epidemic began, but I cannot ever remember this level of violence and extreme brutality when I was a child.
We like to believe that our Nation is “civilized,” and far above the ilk of “third world countries.” I have this to say: at least 3rd world countries know that there will be warlords. In our country, we have millions of individual warlords perpetrating heinous emotional and physical crimes on a daily basis. We have the nerve to be shocked when spaths commit violence, yet we promote violence and spathy within our very culture.
What’s the answer? I don’t know. I’m hermitizing myself.
how many spaths are in new zealand?
Hi All,
Have been in shock since I read SecretMonster posts. I was pulled in again to trying to understand the psychopathic brain and re traumatised myself.
psychopaths who have murdered, who are locked up and recieve letters from “fascinated fans” and they start the con again, as long as they can operate they are scamming, conning, hurting, lying yet magnetically Draw innocent victims by their charm, intelligence and different energy.
I can totally see how it happens, there is something so tantalizing about a person who OOZES no remorse (and they do not say it, we have to literally find out the hard way, because they are LIARS), like the gay guy we want to turn straight ..its addictive, and as long as we are addicted we will be psycho fodder
I am drawn in again and again trying to understand it. I am distraught trying to understand it. I give up and the tears are just gushing out now…I feel I was reeled in again, and it was AS IF the no contact was broken….
How do we deal with these entities? what do we say in response to the cold matter of fact honesty that all they want to do is manipulate, feel power over people and scam peoples souls?
I keep going back to try and find something I can understand…and it’s like being pulled into a nightmare that is actually too much to comprehend.
Hey Everyone…
Skipped the gym today. Didn’t feel well….I went to a friend’s memorial service yesterday. She died suddenly…was “septic”?
It wasn’t a funeral …it was more like a huge wedding. Over 200 people there..for her “Celebration of Life”. She wanted it this way. It was very sad and I was really sad about it.
But, it made me think about life and time we have here.
She was a very happy person, did “life coaching” and was a minister who did tons of weddings. Always smiling. Only, the last time I saw her, I wondered why she didn’t take better care of her body. She was overweight and never mentioned getting into shape.
Now, she’s gone.
So, I was reading this article since I’m “off” today, and the posts.
Bulletproof…this is exactly how you have to be out there in the world…”bulletproof”. The reason I feel that we got “pulled in” ..is simple. SElf ESTEEM.
If I met my X ‘s now, the way I feel now, STRONG and more self confident than ever…I would NEVER have let them get so far. I was very insecure and lonely when I got involved with this last one. I hardly went out and didn’t date at all. So, he came in and filled a void I had.
Thank God I didn’t spend alot of time with him…since we didn’t live close. I saw things in him from the start that werent right. Had I been a biotch like I am now..I would have set strong boundaries and NEVER let him get away with the little lies I closed my eyes to.
He is contacting me and if I went back, it wouldn’t last a minute! I would confront him and he would RUN!
I went out on a date from an online site…and he was so much more “normal” than my x. I could just tell. And, I kept my distance…arms length and had a wonderful dinner and conversation.
“It all comes down to how you feel about yourself.”
Thats MY philosophy. After being conned and manipulated, I made up my mind to be smarter, stronger, and wiser in my life.
I never was so vulnerable as I was when he “hooked” me. I was working, raising 3 kids…tired and not ready to meet anyone. So, he caught me at a weak point in my life.
My point is…that if we have HIGH self esteem, we will never get conned again.
Bullet, don’t let it “pull you in”. Accept that there are wackos out there and just feel good about who you are and avoid them.
Self esteem is everything.
tobehappy,
I was at a hight point in my life when I met my last one..
I wasn’t even looking.. I was building a townhouse and was more than busy.. he came after me.. and I think because I was preoccupied.. I let him stay around ev even though I felt he was ‘off’ in ways…
I didn’t kept my life as it was and he merged into mine.. and I kept him at arm’s length watching..
and then he revealed himself and it began breaking down.. when he was aware how clearly that I saw him.. he was off..
we had fun and he was companionship but he was twisted.. he and leaning on me.. he lived in my house.. I gave him the lifestyle… I created the fun.. I planned what we did.. he just was there.. and I got exhausted.. now at times, I miss him.. because he was so in my life.. and the men that I meet since him .. well, there is just no connection…
I have no answers to anything.. but yes, self-esteem and let your friends meet him.. and listen to what they say…
You let him stay around even though he was “off” in ways.
Its probably because you were so busy you weren’t thinking right. Once you were “clear” he was gone. Good thing.
Don’t let him “rent” space in your head. I rarely even think of my x…and it made room for healthier people. I don’t need anymore toxic people to use me in my life anymore.
Since I made up my mind to move forward…I am meeting “normal” men…not disordered. I’ve changed and my whole life has changed now.” Boundaries” is the name of the game.
Once you get any memory of him out…all new comes in…
It takes time.