Is every violent person a sociopath? Are all sociopaths violent? What is the relationship between violence and sociopathy/psychopathy? These are the questions we will think about here. I welcome your comments and stories.
In his book “On Aggression” Nobel Prize winning ethologist Konrad Lorenz expressed deep concern for the human race. He pointed out that other social animals have “releasers;” these are inborn signals that turn off aggression. For example, when wolves fight, if one animal turns over on its back, the fighting generally stops. The purpose of aggression in social species is simply to enforce dominance, so when the victor gets the signal it is dominant, the fighting stops.
Lorenz said screaming and crying act as releasers for humans as these tend to inhibit aggression. The problem for humans is that we have created weapons that enable aggression to occur at a distance so the natural releasers don’t have a chance to turn it off.
Yet we also know there are those who enjoy seeing other people suffer. In these individuals there is not only no mechanism to stop aggression, there is also a positive incentive toward violence. An extreme example of this is serial killers who seek out victims to enjoy the act of killing them. Some people are fascinated and mystified by the behavior of these serial killers, but actually the behavior is pretty simple to understand. I’ll explain it using two other pleasures with which you are familiar- eating and sex. These are two examples that illustrate the way the pleasure system works.
First, let’s consider eating. The purpose of eating is to nourish the body, but eating is also much more than that. Eating gives us pleasure and can even reduce anxiety. Why it is that eating feels good is likely connected to our need to overeat during times of plenty. Eating during times of plenty allows us to become fat and thus protected from famine. If eating stopped once the body was nourished, we couldn’t get fat. So to keep us eating more and more, Mother Nature made it an enjoyable act.
There are different was to get pleasure from eating. Foods that are sweet, sour, fatty, or meaty all stimulate different nerve cells. People also differ with respect to the pleasure associated with different tastes. Some people don’t like sweets very much and some people are repulsed by meat.
Now consider that sex is the same as eating in many ways. The “purpose” of sex is procreation, but it also strengthens social bonds, is pleasurable and reduces anxiety. We are prone to becoming “oversexed” just as we are prone to becoming obese. There are also different flavors of sexual pleasure.
The dominance system is another instinctive behavioral system just like the feeding and sex systems. The pleasures associated with the dominance system come in different “flavors.” One “flavor“ or pleasure associated with this system is winning at a competition. Whether the competition is a chess or baseball game, winning is a pleasure.
In social groups the dominant members are the “enforcers” as they get to administer rewards and punishments to others. Helping people can actually be a function/pleasure of the dominance system. Similarly, enjoyment of hurting others is also part of dominance. The alphas get to punish those who don’t do what they want and they take pleasure in inflicting this punishment.
What we see in some sociopaths is a type of “fetish” of the dominance system. Just like some people are excessively turned on sexually by underwear, some sociopaths are excessively turned on in the dominance sense by violence.
If you think about what I am saying you will see that there are two pathways to violence in sociopaths. The first is an immediate impulsive response to threats to their dominance. The second is a premeditated seeking out of the pleasure associated with hurting. Both of these occur and the presence of one correlates with the presence of the other because an over active dominance drive underlies both.
Lack of empathy is important to the development of the enjoyment of violence because a person who lacks emotional empathy, lacks the releaser Lorenz talked about so there is nothing to turn off the violence. But it is also possible that some sociopaths have a modicum of empathy that is drowned out by the pleasures of dominance.
The take home message for you is that if you are involved with a person who is preoccupied with dominance, control and manipulation you have to wonder what violence they are capable of. It is like the sexual pervert, you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. We just do not know how to pick out those sociopaths who lead secret lives in which they kill. If you know a sociopath who has a track record of violence, please assume the person is potentially very dangerous.
I have commented here on my life story with a Sociopath/Narcissist and my never-ending saga. Here’s another episode in my life that ties to this one. As part of the Monster’s manipulation, I lost everything, my children, my home, my sanity and almost my life. Everything else I was able to replace except for my children. After many years, the expected happened and he threw out my oldest child, a son, because he was involved in drugs. I knew all of this and more would happened but was powerless to do anything. Even in my latest court round, when I tried to regain custody of my daughter, I was chastized by everyone: judge, his lawyer, his wife, him. I was painted as a psycho, a monster, a thief. I did what I could and considered a victory the fact that I was able to get custody of my son, even if by default. The child had so many shortcomings and was so social innadequate that it was painful to watch but I tried my darnest, I helped him, I loved him, I sacrificed and I was patient as I knew that it would be a slow, painful process. Thngs weren’t perfect but I felt I had made a great deal of progress and was happy with what I could get. Until one good day, when I was away on business and received a call from my son, in the middle of the afternoon, to inform me that the night before “our house had been broken into, we were robbed and he was assaulted” – After a half an hour conversation with him, things didn’t sound right. Having my reservations, I called the Police Department and the true story emerged. After all nighter of binge drinking and drugs in my home with a dozen or so of his buddies, at about 4:30 a.m., a fight broke out. My son, the genius, pulled my kitchen knives on some of the other guys and the result was 1 of them in the hospital with a stabwound and 3 more in jail with 5 counts of aggravated assault. My furniture was destroyed, my front door was kicked in and my carpet and wall were soaked in blood. When I walked into my livingroom, it looked like the scene of a horror movie, blood and guts everywhere. The cost of fixing the damage he caused will be in the neighborhood of $5,000. The financial toll of taking him in, caring for him, buying him clothes, paying for 2 terms in college (which he failed), buying clothing, paying for his medical and dental bills, all of that is at least another $20,000. Never, throughout this ordeal, did he apologize much less accept responsibility for any of the events that trasnpired. In fact, his first words to me were “I don’t care what you say, I’m buying a gun!” So, next time, I can hope to find a dead body or two – including his – in my living room. So, what I had feared turned out to be true, my son is every bit a sociopath like his father and there is no escaping the course!
tobehappy, style1
I “thought” I was at a high point i my life when I met the P. I was in great shape, great job, independent, friends …had worked through so much family stuff, re-united with my adopted son 12 years prior to meeting the P (I had been through so much that had made me stronger, healthier) it was a time when I really felt I deserved something for me….the P was ‘delighted’ with who I was, I was love bombed and felt I was worth it….it’s just the love bombing was for other motives than love.
What creeps me out is much like what SecretMonster stated in his posts that he was attracted to a healthy, smiling happy woman who had a wealthy background, always important in case….. because IT LOOKED GOOD it was a good decoy, a good FRONT…it would help his credibility factor, people trust people who are ‘in a relationship’ and this woman would boost his believability so he coud manipulate more from the situation…but he felt no affection, no warm fuzzy feelings at all, it was just a status symbol he mimed to, fooled using mimicry- she didnt know this of course…and that’s what totally disturbs me….he was on here, chatting about her like she was “a cup of tea!!!!” He truly did not care, and this is so perplexing to me, it actually terrifies me that there are people like that, with his level of articulation…out there hurting, damaging without remorse….it’s like it hits only when the mask slips and the lie unfolds….
Quantum Solace
My God, Yes you describe it here, exactely what is so disturbing. You helped him, he availed of your help…he didnt thank you, in fact it looks like he felt nothing only entitled to the help to smooth his way.
tobehappy
This has nothing to do with low self esteem well not nothing…it could be and also it could be THE CAUSE of low self esteem, this is about a person exploiting his way through life without a conscience!! He would do it to someone with low self esteem, high self esteem, as long as they have a pulse he will be exploiting it….you would think low self esteem would be easy prey….not nessecarily…because they do not operate from any sense of what is right or wrong (only to “look” like everyone else) someone who was “easier to fool” might not be the best “challenge” for a P’s need for excitement and intrigue…much better job satisfaction to fool a high self esteem brain surgeon…
I’ve noticed from my experiences that this kind of violence should not be taken lightly at all, all sociopaths are extremely dangerous at all times.
My sociopath/psychopath husband always had to be the dominant figure and spent most of our relationship THREATENING the violence he would inflict upon me. And, I always thought if I just stayed with him, i’d always be safe. Boy, was I wrong. Those threats became a reality on Feb 14, 2009 when he STABBED me 11 times in front of our kids. Many things I never knew about him I learned over this past year, and I have read Dr. Hare’s book which describes my husband to a “T”……I am THANKFUL for what happened to be because I know i’d still be stuck in this relationship if it hadn’t. Now, he’s in prison where he belongs, and my children and I, at least for now, are safe.
People like my husband (who still won’t divorce me, nice, huh…that’s ok, I have only until Feb to wait, he’ll be in jail FAR LONGER than that) DO NOT CARE about anything or anyone but themselves, and ALL OF THEIR ACTIONS whatever they are are for their own self benefit. They will never be sorry for anything they’ve done and they will manipulate anything and anyone around them to get what they want.
If you are athe family member of a psychopath, PLEASE know the signs, you might think you are helping them but in fact you are simply a pawn in their game of manipulation and deception. My husband’s family was manipulated by him AFTER the stabbing; none of them will speak to me, somehow my being almost killed is my fault (duhhh), they bailed him out of jail after he was charged, paid all his legal expenses for a defense lawyer, etc…….all part of his sick master plan.
When there is a psychopath/sociopath in your life, EVERYONE suffers….
Bullet….I do feel that it is about “self esteem’. Not listening to your gut feeling is not trusting yourself…which is what I did.
Also, once you start seeing “signs”…to not stand up for yourself, is …to me, low self esteem.
When you have high self esteem, you protect yourself and listen to your feelings of them being “twisted”…as you said.
I just see too many people giving the other person the “benefit of the doubt” because they are afraid of rocking the boat and losing that person. Thats why I did.
Had I been as strong as I am now…noone would be able to get over on me. I would listen to my gut and run before I got deeper. Thats having “high self esteem” to me.
It doesn’t matter what you have…degrees, business and financeial success…money,….good looks…If you have high “self esteem” ….AND are wise to people…you would protect yourself better. I know I’ve changed and when I “feel” something isn’t right now….I’m gone. I don’t deserve abuse or “takers” when I am “giving” of myself.
Now, I would say, I have high self esteem.
I WIN, thank God you survived his ultimate control technique, that being the physical violence he delivered upon you. It’s true, after they master the mental manipulations in life, they naturally progress to the ultimate thrill (bigger high) of physically violating their prey. His family needs mental health assistance in unraveling the lies he entangled them with, then understanding the truth of the monster he alone created.
I’m glad you are with us.
Peace to your heart and soul as you heal mentally and physically from this brute.
Another thing…I was talking to a guy at the gym…about relaitonships and other things. He said…”Men lie.” I asked him why….he said…”Men will lie to get all the sex they want. Men want sex, women want love.” Wow!!!!
I am going to teach my girls well. NEVER believe words…and be a “biotch”. ….meaning…don’t let them get away with anything. NEVER let one move “in with you” anywhere. NEVER let them live off of you in any way.
Its so true. There are more users and manipulators out there than we know!
I hope they are stronger in their lives and smarter than I was then…
When I read this stuff, I often wonder if we are all talking about the same guy!!! So many of these stories have traits that fit my situation to a tee. Mine never became physically violent, but ran when confronted with concerns, was evasive in answering questions, etc. I have my days that I am confident and can “see the light”, then I have my days that are down and take me back to wondering. I hate it….I hate this roller coaster ride that I have been left on. Some days it was like I was a sheep following the flock, just to get led over a cliff…time and time again. It’s like mourning the death of a friend or loved one, only to see them come alive again and the process starts over and over. So much information here has helped me and I have to keep coming back when I get in those down moments. My question is, even if a sociopath such as this shows no signs of being physically harmful, are the chances of him becoming dangerous real high, say if you keep letting them suck their way into your life?
Heartsick,
Yep, they sure do sound like the same person. Mine is also not violent, but could pass a lie detector test hands down. He talks in circles when he’s confronted and you wonder what the heck just happened. Stay vigilant, this guy doesn’t sound trustworthy and do you really want to put yourself through the turmoil again?
He may be offering you the moon, but listen closely to your intuition. I believe people are capable of changing and can change, but if there is any doubt about his sincereity, run-don’t walk. Don’t let him take pieces of you when he goes.
The more confident you get, the more you can see through to the truth. A wise therapist told me this last year.
I almost wish for something concrete so I could call the cops. Not saying that I would want my husband to be violent, but this subversive stuff is so crappy to deal with. I feel like no one takes me seriously. I feel like shouting “Can’t you see that he is LYING?”
I’m lucky my counselor can see through things, although she makes me mad when she offers that I could stay with him if I wanted to try and make it work. Are they so blind to their manipulations? She did say she won’t meet with him again, she refuses to see him.
Just feeling a little sad today, not feeling like there is a quick way out and I hate that.