Is every violent person a sociopath? Are all sociopaths violent? What is the relationship between violence and sociopathy/psychopathy? These are the questions we will think about here. I welcome your comments and stories.
In his book “On Aggression” Nobel Prize winning ethologist Konrad Lorenz expressed deep concern for the human race. He pointed out that other social animals have “releasers;” these are inborn signals that turn off aggression. For example, when wolves fight, if one animal turns over on its back, the fighting generally stops. The purpose of aggression in social species is simply to enforce dominance, so when the victor gets the signal it is dominant, the fighting stops.
Lorenz said screaming and crying act as releasers for humans as these tend to inhibit aggression. The problem for humans is that we have created weapons that enable aggression to occur at a distance so the natural releasers don’t have a chance to turn it off.
Yet we also know there are those who enjoy seeing other people suffer. In these individuals there is not only no mechanism to stop aggression, there is also a positive incentive toward violence. An extreme example of this is serial killers who seek out victims to enjoy the act of killing them. Some people are fascinated and mystified by the behavior of these serial killers, but actually the behavior is pretty simple to understand. I’ll explain it using two other pleasures with which you are familiar- eating and sex. These are two examples that illustrate the way the pleasure system works.
First, let’s consider eating. The purpose of eating is to nourish the body, but eating is also much more than that. Eating gives us pleasure and can even reduce anxiety. Why it is that eating feels good is likely connected to our need to overeat during times of plenty. Eating during times of plenty allows us to become fat and thus protected from famine. If eating stopped once the body was nourished, we couldn’t get fat. So to keep us eating more and more, Mother Nature made it an enjoyable act.
There are different was to get pleasure from eating. Foods that are sweet, sour, fatty, or meaty all stimulate different nerve cells. People also differ with respect to the pleasure associated with different tastes. Some people don’t like sweets very much and some people are repulsed by meat.
Now consider that sex is the same as eating in many ways. The “purpose” of sex is procreation, but it also strengthens social bonds, is pleasurable and reduces anxiety. We are prone to becoming “oversexed” just as we are prone to becoming obese. There are also different flavors of sexual pleasure.
The dominance system is another instinctive behavioral system just like the feeding and sex systems. The pleasures associated with the dominance system come in different “flavors.” One “flavor“ or pleasure associated with this system is winning at a competition. Whether the competition is a chess or baseball game, winning is a pleasure.
In social groups the dominant members are the “enforcers” as they get to administer rewards and punishments to others. Helping people can actually be a function/pleasure of the dominance system. Similarly, enjoyment of hurting others is also part of dominance. The alphas get to punish those who don’t do what they want and they take pleasure in inflicting this punishment.
What we see in some sociopaths is a type of “fetish” of the dominance system. Just like some people are excessively turned on sexually by underwear, some sociopaths are excessively turned on in the dominance sense by violence.
If you think about what I am saying you will see that there are two pathways to violence in sociopaths. The first is an immediate impulsive response to threats to their dominance. The second is a premeditated seeking out of the pleasure associated with hurting. Both of these occur and the presence of one correlates with the presence of the other because an over active dominance drive underlies both.
Lack of empathy is important to the development of the enjoyment of violence because a person who lacks emotional empathy, lacks the releaser Lorenz talked about so there is nothing to turn off the violence. But it is also possible that some sociopaths have a modicum of empathy that is drowned out by the pleasures of dominance.
The take home message for you is that if you are involved with a person who is preoccupied with dominance, control and manipulation you have to wonder what violence they are capable of. It is like the sexual pervert, you may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. We just do not know how to pick out those sociopaths who lead secret lives in which they kill. If you know a sociopath who has a track record of violence, please assume the person is potentially very dangerous.
Blue skies, thanks for being decent and high minded. I might just throw in a little more, and say that my list of ‘tests’ really just came up out of real situations that I related to, off the cuff. I’m afraid I don’t have the kind of mind that would allow me to set up ‘insidious mind games’, with any real skill or savvy, though I can see why it may appear that way without some clarification. For me, it’s about evaluating what I’m dealing with, before it outwits my guts with all of its games.
My guts don’t always serve me the way I’d like. That can be my problem, but I should say it’s the problem of everyone who ever got duped by an Spath.
Psyche
Also, Rosa, I’m talking about evaluating people who have already caused me to see red flags, and left me wondering what I’m dealing with —
It’s not my idea to go around testing all people this way, and I’m sorry you saw it that way.
Psyche
I met a man that I went out with once. . he seemed nice enough…
Then in a phone converstion, he was stuffing key lime pie in his mouth, so I could barely understand him. So, I said, “How about let’s talk when you aren’t eating. His reply. “Haven’t you ever had great Key lime pie? So, great that you couldn’t stop eating it.”
“I said no. Let’s talk later.” I got off the phone thinking how rude.
He called me another night and he was obviously drinking. I got off the phone.
Then we reconnected in some way, don’t recall. And he emailed that he was going to the Buffet tailgate party.
Later I asked how was the party ..
He sent me two photos one was of his head between a woman’s breasts. And one of another woman dressed like a fool.
I respond that the photos were disgusting.. and that we are just too different to continue communication.
He responded. “Why are you so unhappy?”
LOL… good grief!
how distorted can people be?
Dear I WIN,
I am so sorry that you and your kids have experienced the trauma and pain that you have I hope your X stays in jail/prison for a LONG TIME. I think you are right though there is never any way to be sure that they won’t turn on you any moment and take your life on the spot! I’m not sure if the trauma to you is the worst or the trauma your kids saw/felt in seeing this happen is the “worst” part. I have family members who grew up witnessing horrific abuse of their mother by their father and I see the emotional damage it has done to them.
I am glad that you are here at LF and I hope you will stock around. There is a great deal of information here to help us heal from our wounds and a lot of support from folks who GET IT about Psychopaths! Hugs and God bless you.
What an excellent article! Thank you.
I’d like to point out that while not every sociopath is overtly physically violent, their very nature is emotionally violent.
Part of this emotional violence is a covert physical violence, i.e. while it doesn’t involve hitting or rape, it leads to consequences in the real world for the victim. It creates anxiety, PTSD, and can lead to financial ruin, homelessness and severe physical illnesses. These are grossly physical consequences due to violence, even if the perpetrator never touches the victim.
Our society leads us to believe that a battered woman or abused child are not “legitimate” unless they display black eyes. This is ridiculously naive. It prevents many people from receiving the information and help they desperately need to escape and recover.
Examples: financial manipulation, threatening to abuse or actually abusing a beloved pet, blackmail, extortion (e.g. threatening to fire someone if they disclose harassment), landlord harassing by entering premises without notice, walking into personal space without permission (as in entering bedroom/bathroom/car), using, damaging or disposing of others’ precious belongings without permission—you can’t call the police if your partner or parent steals from you; they’ll brush it off. But it’s still theft.
Abandoning someone who has no other means of transportation. This includes taking the family car and deliberately not returning in time for their needs. Many people have been put in physical danger this way.
Controlling the finances and refusing to shell out for clothing, food, health care, etc. for the partner or children.
Harassing employers and landlords of the one you wish to harm, so their livelihood and home is threatened. Making false statements to friends or medical people about their mental health or drug use, in order to isolate them.
Using drugs in the home in a way that negatively impacts the partner’s health—e.g. leaving needles lying around or filling the room with marijuana smoke. Refusing to smoke cigarettes outside when asked, compelling the partner and children to live in the smoke.
Ridiculing someone’s body shape or size, or ridiculing them sexually. Compelling them to view sexual images that repel them. Filming sex without consent. Posting personal information/photos on the Internet.
“Covert” violence that is very physical and painful, but leaves no bruises: twisting an arm, lifting a child by one arm (physiotherapists can testify how many adults have dislocated shoulders/permanently stretched ligaments due to this violence), pinching, pulling ears or hair, pinching breasts or genitals, spanking (which can even cause spinal fractures and ruptured disks). Pretending to help squeeze blemishes, while actually taking pleasure in inflicting pain. Throwing body fluids on a partner or child, or forcing them to have contact.
I think a lot more victims would leave sociopaths earlier if they realized these are all serious forms of abuse. In my opinion, all these behaviors indicate crossing the line into psychopathology.
Style, that’s pretty funny. Thanks for the laugh 🙂
P
Tobehappy,
I loved your last post. I need to learn how to be a biotch! I was taken for a fool by an Sociopath who I allowed to move in with me. He took me for everything I had. He left me broke and moved on once my bank account was empty. After 8 months, I started dating again. I met a guy with Narcisstic traits. He didn’t tell me he lived at home with his parents until AFTER we were intimate. AFTER we exchanged the “I love you’s.” We dated 8 months and then he dumped me via text on my BDay. The very next day he went online looking for a new chick. I guess he got tired of me asking for him to spend more than just Saturday nights and Sundays. He stuck around awhile as “friends.” I wasn’t happy with the “friends” status I told him. It wasn’t really what I wanted. I wanted that loving guy I met back in my life..but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. I’m looking back and thinking I wasn’t happy with the situation anyway. Since he didn’t have his own place, he would come over my place all the time. I didn’t feel it was fair. Plus something’s wrong with a 39 year old living at home with his folks. It was weird to me. So, at least I think I’m getting better at being that “biotch.” And, I don’t think I could have competed with mommy either. Don’t you think it’s a little creepy for a man of 39 years of age to have his mom wash his underwear? He told me his mom once mentioned she noticed he doesn’t have stains in his underwear like his dad does. Ewe.
Psyche,
There is so much disrespect for women, lack of refinement and manners in this world that it is unbelievable. And when you pull away or comment on it.. they try to turn it onto you.
It is insane..crazy and wacko..
What is going on? This total disrepect and lack of manners?
It goes from the subtle to the extreme.
It’s like most all men need to be retrained.. it is the ‘sex and the city’ mentality that is making it worse.. What is going on in this world?
Men say that they want love and a companion and look at this example.. it’s like animal house.. and this man is mid-fifties…
with a son in college…. all I can say.. ya gotta laugh.. it’s too stupid!
Style1,
Yep. It’s funny, and sad at the same time. LOL. When I met the last guy, he was so respectful. Then after we broke up and were still talking, one time he answered the phone with a loud BURRRRP! and he started laughing. I should have hung up. There were other times I’d hear the toilet flush during our conversations too.
Hi Style, Yeah, I have to agree. I teach at the university, where I see what the next generation is all about. There’s an up-side, but on the down-side, it’s a TV culture, and I think it fosters narcissism, with its glib rudeness, selfish presumptions, nasty one-liners that are meant to be ‘funny’, attitudes of extreme entitlement, egoism, etc. They think this behavior is ‘entertaining’ or amusing on TV and they emulate it. They don’t seem to have contact with people who offer a differnt model of behavior (a polite/respectful one). I know it’s in my generation too (children born in teh 1970s), dated enough men my age that fit the m.o.
Somehow we’re ‘un-cool’ if we don’t think people who burrrrrrp in our faces are funny. I like that you can laugh about it, b/c it reminds me to do the same 🙂
But yeah, I want a man who acts like a man, not a burping and boob-obsessed little boy. I’m wishing us luck!!
Psyche