This is an age old problem that seems to lack an easy answer. Do we warn others if we recognize that they are involved with individuals with psychopathic features? Is doing so a moral obligation or is it crossing the line?
Back in the day, it was easier. Sure, we saw our friends dating people we didn’t like or who made us uncomfortable, but we probably just thought of these individuals as “jerks.” We surmised that the relationships wouldn’t last and left it at that. Even if they did endure, expressing negative opinions on such matters tended to be taboo. As a result, typically, we said nothing.
Now, however, society is beginning to acknowledge and discuss psychopathy more readily. With this increasing awareness, we are coming to recognize that many of these individuals, who we once dismissed as mere “jerks,” are, in fact, pathological.
What do we do with our awareness?
Once educated on the matter, we are aware that things are more serious and worthy of warning. We also recognize how these individuals manipulate and control those around them, often very covertly, and in manners that evade the radar of many. Here, we know the dangers that can follow once involved with such disorder.
When this predicament presents itself, we know that our friends either don’t see the problems for what they are or don’t understand what it is they are dealing with. If they did, they probably would have dropped these guys (or gals) on their own. I don’t believe that anyone sets out to tangle with psychopathy. Yet, it happens. So…do we help?
That’s a tough one. Ultimately, it comes down to personal choices and beliefs. However, for me, I think we should (mostly)and I have.
How will they react?
The outcomes can be mixed. Sometimes, we strengthen the bonds of friendship, as there is camaraderie in such experiences. The torment is unique. Our friends may be relieved and thankful. They may appreciate that they are able to make sense of the things that were very, very wrong. At the same time, some may become angry and defensive. They may suggest that we have it “all wrong” or are simply “unsupportive.” If we choose to share our thoughts, we must be prepared for either outcome to occur.
It may be frustrating or disappointing to see and hear our friends defend individuals we know will ultimately bring them unhappiness or place them in harm’s way, but we cannot make their decisions for them. We can only share what we know, share how we know it, and unobtrusively make ourselves available. Sometimes, it helps. Sometimes, it does not.
Undoubtedly, this is a difficult subject to discuss. However, I have chosen to think of it this way; I know that if I saw my friends performing other dangerous acts, minimally, I would at least encourage them to move toward safety, even if I felt my suggestion might jeopardized the friendship. Why should this be any different?
It shouldn’t be, but it can be. Why? One reason is that there are fewer absolutes in these situations. Even if we recognize that our friends are in clear danger, the signs may be less obvious, especially to them. In the event that they were inches from the ledge of a tall building, there would be no questions. In that scenario, there’s no grey area. Clearly, the ledge is unsafe.
However, this may be less cut and dry, especially when the relationships are fairly new, with an absence of more tangible serious concerns. If we mainly rely on “gut” reactions, feelings, and red flags, our assertions are less concrete, even if incredibly valid.
While we may be able to pinpoint solid indicators of potential trouble, our friends may refuse to acknowledge our thoughts or question our assessments. If they stumble upon similar gut reactions themselves, they may question their own assessments too. The tendency is to move forward, giving others the benefit of the doubt. Individuals with psychopathic features bank on this occurring.
Unless seriously scorched by individuals with psychopathic personality traits prior, many don’t necessarily understand that this is real. Therefore, when we discuss the red flags or warning signs their “great guys/gals” display, they may not like it. They may do the same things we once did and minimize the problems, make excuses for them, and take things at face value, freely giving trust, rather than insisting it be earned.
Our heads tend to spin as we watch. “Don’t they see,” we ask? We recognize what is happening. Sometimes, they do not. Sometimes, we watch as they fail to make the important connections.
Why does this happen? Most people want to feel special. Anyone who has encountered or become entangled with individuals with psychopathic traits knows that initially they do just that. So, listening to friends may not top any priority lists, when they are hearing and getting what they want from their new prospects.
This may be especially frustrating when we witness those around us who seem to make repeated dangerous or unhealthy choices.
Either way, deciding whether or not to speak up may not be an easy choice to make. However, I feel I must share and help those I care about when I see things going wrong. For me, my decision to warn friends is one that I have become comfortable with. Thankfully, it does not happen too frequently. At the same time, I also understand that every person is different and so are the circumstances.
Where do we draw the line?
Who don’t we tell? Is sharing information of this nature always appropriate? This is another personal decision. However, I tend to feel that we should limit these discussions to our friends or others with whom we are very close.
There are certain scenarios in which no amount of “evidence” will change the minds of others. Some situations have the potential to become quite volatile. Sharing our thoughts and feelings may not only be fruitless, they may also be dangerous. With new resolve to take care of ourselves, we should respect the limitations that are inherently part of certain situations.
This topic is one that I am certain we all share many different views on. Some of us may feel letting others know what may lie ahead is a moral obligation, others may feel that it is crossing the line. I don’t necessarily think there is a right or wrong answer that neatly fits in every situation. Rather, the circumstances may dictate our actions. Either way, it’s something to consider.
Truthspeak,
You are in a terrible situation here. This girlfriend of your friend sound’s like white trash to me. Personally I think anyone that watches those reality TV show’s that often has the mentality of a Jerry Springer couch tater.
You must find somewhere else to live and then tell your friend what you think of her.
This is not a healthy inviroment for you. You must start looking for another place to rent asap as I see thing’s only gettin worse. Best of luck…….
Hens, I truly appreciate your concern, and I know that this is an extremely negative situation. This gal does things, on purpose, with deliberation, but this is only temporary. There will be options available to me, soon.
I noticed that she uses the topic of sex, frequently. She insinuates that my friend becomes “embarassed” whenever she discusses sex around him and his friends – a completely INappropriate topic, I believe, but that’s just me. “Look at how red he’s turning! He’s EMBARASSED!” is what she typically says. One day, he reponded, “I’m not embarassed. I’m angry.”
She also dumped bleach water on the sunflowers that I planted in his yard. She has fed food that I cooked to their dog if she didn’t like it by setting the plate within very close proximity of the dog’s face, and then whining, “OH, dammit, she’s eating my food!” She then tossed the food out, and didn’t get a second plate.
This gal is trash, indeed. She may be “educated,” but she lacks empathy, social courtesy, TRUE reality-based views, and she is thoroughly ignorant in her assertions. She was actually attempting to school me on my second divorce actions, and I shot her the fark down by saying, “And, how many divorce procedings have you experienced?” She actually had the NERVE to respond, “Well, none.” To which I responded, “I think I have a bit more experience in these matters than you do.” The most telling thing about this exchange is that she didn’t even try to pretend that she was put in her place. She just became sullen.
Yeah, this poor guy’s in for the ride of his life. For me, it is simply a temporary solution to a very dire situation. This isn’t going to go on, forever, and I told my friend AND his girlfiend this, on several occasions. 🙂
Darwinsmom, yeah……he’s got your dear friend hooked, and it’s a crying shame. (sigh) Warning her wouldn’t be of any value, whatsoever.
Truth….I am glad to hear this is only a temporary situation for you…however this sound’s like constant drama and chaos to me……I am so blessed to be able to live alone peacefully…
Truthspeak,
No, it wouldn’t be of any value. And I certainly must keep my lips sealed about the inappropriate remarks he made when she wasn’t around, certainly not about these women he spoke about it. I’m actually convinced that it was as much as a confession that he used his previous victim for sex still. He tried to make it sound as simply a hypothetical situation and some emotional attraction fact or observation between him and that woman… but he said it at least twice and it sounded too much as a recent or present occurrence.
I think it’s both a tell as well as a test. To find out whether I would relay that info to my friend and warn her about him. I was a bit drunk when he told me, but my stomach churned at how he represented himself and these women… they were the irrational, mentally disturbed women chasing him, and he was the adored man who was a bit of a victim who chose my friend over all of this. I literally still feel sick over that disgusting piece of convo, though I played my part and nodded when he asked me whether those prior victims of his were mentally disturbed. I’ll give him rope on the few times I meet him when I’m meeting her. Perhaps one day he’ll hang himself.
As for the focus of his on my sexuality: it was creepy too. He didn’t come on to me, and yet it was clear he could not but think of me as a sexual object. Grossed me out too.
And somewhere half through the evening he even asked me whether I was the woman staying over at her apartment with them. He meant it as some sexual banter inside joke between them (she was present during this). I smiled and said “No chance in that happening. I’ll be sleeping at my own proper place, and you get to enjoy my friend all to your self!” I also passed any flattery about my breasts when my friend was present and turned it into a compliment of her figure.
Yuck! Yuck! I think I need another shower.
Hens, yes….it is a wonderful thing to have one’s own space without emotional conditions attached. This gal is such trash that I watched her neglect their “family dog” for 3 days, at a clip, and forget to feed it. Now, this is a common, almost perennial, event that she “forgets” to feed this poor dog. Did I feel a burning desire to assume this responsibility? YOU BET I DID! And, I fed this poor dog, on the sly, to see what this gal would do. Eventually, she says, “Oh my god, I don’t know when the last time I fed ***** was!” In the meantime, she’s busy searching the internet rescue leagues to “get a puppy” to keep this poor dog “company when (I) leave.”
Darwinsmom……I feel sick along with you! EW….another shower and some scrubbing sands to exfoliate the spath cells off! BLECH!!!! Patooie! ICK
Truthspeak I hope you find a peaceful haven all to yourself away from that trashy person.
I find it so amazing sometimes how blatantly wrong people behave and act and yet others don’t seem to be able to see it as clearly. Once the blinders are off, they are truly off, aren’t they. I do understand to be blindsided, because I was myself in the past… but now those red flags scream at me and I find it so hard not to think, “Can’t he/she see how obnoxious a bastard/bitch that other person is?”
I flip through the tv channels and occasionally look at some of these reality tv show’s and I am stunned that people actually watch this shit. Society is going down the terlette.
Look at the world, look at our young people texting and unable to connect on a human level. I am so glad I did experience the good ole day’s, despite all my childhood trauma I do remember a better time then today.
Darwinsmom, I have made the conscious decision to call a spade what it is. I do not allow for the “benefit of the doubt” where deliberately bad behavior is concerned. Now, this doesn’t mean that I’m going to drag my colleague off into a corner and tell him how much danger he’s in. Neither am I going to tell this trash about herself. I can see it, smell it, taste it, and I cringe because I know what’s coming. But, I cannot stop it, and unless my colleage asks my specific opinion, my mouth is glued shut. And, if he ever does ask my views, I will have to be very, very cautious of my words.
It’s funny….whenever he asks how my divorce is going, I take the opportunity to say, “It cost thirty five bucks for a marriage license. To dissolve a bad marriage, it costs THOUSANDS, and if children are involved, tens of thousands.” I leave it at that.
Hens, do you know how the “tone” of the reality show people sound? Know what I mean? If I hear that type of whining, droning, and self-serving tone, I just get ALL KINDS of wormy.
I’m with you – I wouldn’t want to be a kid or young adult, today, for all of the tea in China. This is the most narcissistic generation in modern History. I can barely stand instructing children, anymore, because they are so unresponsive, verbally abusive to one another, and plain scary. I had one kid make a handle for a pot he was making and my assistant says, “Look at how clever this is!” I responded, “Yeah, if you like the butt of a Glock 9mm.” She was shocked when I pointed out that this kid had recreated the butt of a firearm on a piece of work.
Very, very disturbing.
As for safe haven? That will come, in due time. Thanks Darwinsmom – it’ll definitely come in due time.