By | July 10, 2012 39 Comments

Lovefraud Lessons: Videos to help you escape sociopaths

Today Lovefraud introduces a new feature: Lovefraud Lessons, a series of videos to teach you how to recognize and recover from sociopaths.

Lovefraud Blog videos

Lessons #1, #2 and #3 are up now, and new videos will be posted every week. The primary venue, of course, is YouTube, on the Lovefraud Lessons channel. My goal is to reach as many people as possible, around the world, and teach them about sociopaths.

If you know someone who should watch the videos, forward a link!

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This is great! I will forward this link on to a few friends!
Thank you for your tireless efforts in educating others about these snakes!
Almost Lost


Wow, Donna! What a great idea!


Congratulations, Donna. Only someone wonderful, like you could do such an amazing thing. Absolutely amazing. You just keep outdoing yourself.

You can rest assured “I” will be going along with you through these lessons. And, I will spread them far and wide to everyone I can.

Blessings to you, Dear Lady…
Be happy and live your life in peace.

Lesson # 1 has left an IMMENSE SMILE on my face…

Love ~ Dupey

Ox Drover

Dear Donna, I would love to view the vids but my country slow connection won’t let me, but I think this is a SUPER IDEA!!!!!


Wonderful outreach, Donna. Congratulations!

You put so much of yourself in your work. It’s great to have a caring face and voice behind the messages.

I “liked” these on Facebook and I posted a link to the videos on my FB wall as well.


Wonderful job Donna to spread the word with your videos. Like I promised you, I want to share with you the link of the TV documentary of my own experience. Let me know if that’s ok


I finished reading your book, Donna, it’s so good, because you cover the real-life issues surrounding the toxic relationship with spths and in a straightforward and everyday language which helps understand better what really goes on. Thank you Donna for your help in putting an end to my insane relationship. Blessings to you all.


Donna, I really like your videos!

thank you for doing those videos. They are intriguing and hopefully it will make people want to see more.

I know it’s asking a lot, but also try to consider what might help someone who is as dumb as I was. I simply had too much cog/diss to be able to even CONSIDER that there was something wrong with my spath. It was obviously ME that couldn’t figure out how to handle a man as incredibly exquisite as he was.

Seriously, I can’t help wondering if there was anything that might have helped me see how disgusting he was. My upbringing didn’t prepare me. “People of the Lie” was dismissed. What could open the eyes of a young and naive woman who was raised in an emotionally abusive home?

Donna; Loved seeing a face behind the blogs! I saw all three of your videos and am looking forward to seeing all of them. Your doing a great thing with your education for others to beware of the sociopath.

I agree that not all charming and charismatic people are sociopaths, but it sure is a red flag for me. If it seems too good to be true, it is. That is my new mantra. I’m really not sure if I’ll ever truly trust again. We’ll see.

After the publication of my book, Evil Eyes, A Daughter’s Memoir, I have had hundreds of letters from my website telling me how they relate to their PARENTS as being sociopathic. I have decided to go back into the helping field and become a clinical hypnotherapist and focus on people with past or present abuse issues. Like you, I want to now focus my attention by beginning a new career in helping others who are going through or living through the aftermath of being associated with sociopaths. And who better to be in these professions than people who have been through it.

I find too many people who have never experienced a sociopath unable or unwilling to see what I see in a personality disordered person and I am afraid for them.

On a happier note I am so excited by my new career choice that helps people in distress; but also helps me focus on positive remedies.

I’m so thrilled with your blog, book, videos and all you are contributing to this subject and hope I can follow your lead in helping others avoid, or move past their experiences.

God bless you and anyone who has suffered at the hands of a sociopath – or sociopaths.

LOL! See? they ARE everywhere and we aren’t the dumbest people to fall for their scams. It can happen to anyone… even a college basketball team.


Donna, in one of your videos, you mentioned something about 12% of the population being Ps. Am I quoting your correctly? Where did that number come from?

I certainly can believe 12% as opposed to 1-4% of the population. I think that number is a gross underestimation.

I was just wondering where that number came from and if there is research that came to that conclusion.



Hello everybody,
I’d like to ask your advice. I’m thinking of writing a book about my relationship with a spth, however I’m having qualms because I can’t use the word spth without running the risk of being sued for difamation. But then, how can you ever spread the word so that people are in the know and my experience can help others avoid these human predators or find relief in reading other people’s stories for comfort and learning? What do you suggest?
Thank you and chins up


Victorian12, if the subject of defining the exspaths comes up, I use the term, “Fits the profile of….” That’s not an assessment or definition, just an observation.

If you don’t have access to legal advice with regard to your work-in-progress, an agent, or some sort of representation, I would suggest that you consider that, first, before embarking on this project.

Brightest blessings and best wishes on your endeavor!


Thank you Donna first of all for this site as it has helped to understand exactly what I was dealing with. I met this man on a Christian dating site, he appeared to know how to say all the right things to convince me he was real. Piror to beginning my relathioship with him I told him I did not believe in sex before marriage for me – he agreed and said he felt the same and was pursuing a marital relationship with me. Well several months later no ring, and endless times of trying to seduce me which I almost gave in – he started showing his lack of interest that he just didn’t care. Then he found out I owned my house and the salary I made and when I would try to break up with him he would cry and say everything possible to get me back which stupidly I would take him back. I finally had it and was going to break up for good and he proposed and stupidly I accepted. That is when major trouble started as he blantly humilated and mistreated me as he pursued other women right in front of me! He thought he had me – In addition, it turned out he spent countless hours sometimes losing track of days doing pornagraphy and hook ups. At the same time I was finding this out he also had a 24K debt owed to the IRS and to the State which his father finally told me about because he didn’t want me getting married without knowing the truth. I live in a community property law state which would have made me responsible for his debt. When I confronted him about these things he pulled a gun on me. I was terrified as he worked at a Gun club and was an expert shooter and knife thrower – I knew my life was in danger. I finally understand even though I would not give him the sex he wanted he had moved on, but he had an agenda to keept me around so he marry me, get my money, and then do away with me. I was devasted as he in this whole process kept telling me he loved me but mistreated me so terribly. Finally I broke up with him. He finally left me alone. But how stupid I feel that in spite all of this I am still hurting after 6 weeks. I still find it quite shocking that he did not feel anything for me. It was all a game. He continues to go on Christian dating sites I guess he thinks that is easy prey. How do I recover from this pain?


Thank you so much Donna for taking the time to read my comment and to respond. I will check out the book. Thank you so much.


Truthspeak, many thanks for your advice. I believe that sticking to facts without naming/labeling the evil doer should be the answer. I appreciate your suggestion very much.
One thing that’s been running though my head as of late is whether our brain gets back to normal in the long run after undergoing this abrupt chemical and structural changes that come with being in a psychopathic bond. In my case, I notice I have changed in many respects, my brain feels kind of numb, I wouldn’t say emotionless but kind of emotionally numb. Sometimes I act as if I’m in a trance or something and utter speech randomly, or feel emotions to the extreme
How can these toxic people be so harmful, I wonder, I mean most of the harm they do to us is at the emotional/psychological level and it is to such a high level, and since it’s not visible, it’s hard to understand it unless you do your homework and delve into the characteristics of sociopaths and their way of relating to their victims and the adverse effects of the toxic bond that they create.
Thank you for your help. Blessings and best wishes.



Though Donna must answer your question herself, I interpreted it as a sum of the statistics with regards the sum of several destructive personal disorders. In her Lovefraud book she suggests the use of the name ‘sociopath’ as an umbrella term for malignant narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy, etc… Oxy usually uses the umbrella term ‘toxic’.

The 1-4% estimation of psychopath’s is based on statistical figures with regards to people having a minium of 30 score on Hare’s test. With 1% being the most conservative statistics and the 4% allowing for less conservative statistics. 1-4% is actually a very high prevalence already, because it means between 1 in 100 people and 1 in 25 people. Combined with the fact thaat spaths make more than one victim, have family, partners, lovers, children 1 out of those 25 can easily con and parasite on the other 24 simultaneously.


Hello Victorian 12,

There seems to be a “Victor 12 AND Victorian 12 within this thread… Is there a logical explanation for this? Anyway, I often wondered the same things as you, in terms of my brain/mind returning to a normal state. After doing much recovery work on myself, my brain/mind’s normal functions have returned. Of course, I live with a completely diferent degree of awareness, focus, self assurance, self reliance, self motivation and self dependence due to the experience and the healing aspects from the trauma that it provoked, however those are all good things. I do tend to find myself being hyper vigilant, on occassion, but I try to perceive it as a protective mechanism which is benefiting me in times of need. Best wishes on your path to healing!


Hi Shane,

To answer your doubt, both Victor12 and Victorian 12 are one and the same person, that is, me. I decided to change my masculine name to a feminine name so that my colleagues are all aware that I’m a female. It’s important to know in this debate of our life experiences with male spths. I believe the damage male spths do to us far exceeds that of their female counterparts, if only because there is strength in numbers.
I appreciate from the bottom of my heart your perceptions on my point in question. I felt a sense of relief and comfort upon reading your words. At least now I know that this too shall pass and if what will remain is more self-reliance, more self-awareness and more self-dependence, then I think it all has been worth it, by all I mean the pain we go through in this kind of toxic relationships. My story was televised on the German TV and the third part came out recently. Reading the comments of some of the German viewers taking side with the SP. was somewhat discomforting. To cut a long story short, the SP came to visit me after 8 months of waiting for him to move to Spain with me and only because the TV paid for his flight to film the third part of the show, and he bumped into closed doors. He had it coming to him. He never visited me in 8 months because he didn’t have a proper job and he was broken. He simply didin’t want to work and even though I kept pressing him to get a job and pay me back for the expenses I incurred when he came the first time from Germany to Spain hiking trails ‘for the love of his life’ as he put it, he stayed out of a job all the while and never came to visit me. One of the viewers stated as follows: “Well, in my opinion, if a woman with Victorian’s age continues to live with her mother waiting for a prince mounted on a white horse, then something isn’t right… and she shouldn’t come up with the story of putting the blame on XXX (SP.) for her visiting the psychiatrist.
The way I see it, this person is justifying evil. Since when do romantic illusions and the dream of finding true love in a woman’s mind justify love fraud? Who said that the evil doer must not be to blame just on the grounds of the victim’s need to resort to a psychiatrist to help her heal the adverse effects of an interaction with an evil doer?
What do you have to say about this? Blessings and blissful recovery



The brain does return to ‘normal’ overall after a long time. Mine was pretty numb for about half a year, until I had some insights why it was so numb and unable to function in situations I was normally an expert, but at that time couldn’t handle properly anymore. After that it went quickly (but not overnight) back to normal. There is one thing that I do feel I have to be very careful with – my mind just cannot take stress so well anymore as I ‘thought’ I could in the past. I don’t think it will ever return to the old stress capacity, because we grow older too. So, be kind to it by planning everyday schedules and major events and start on it on time, etc…

I wouldn’t say the damage male spaths do exceeds that of female spaths. We have a majority of survivors from a male spath posting on Lovefraud, but the stories from survivors of female spaths are as horrendous and they have the same damaging impact. Nor is it sure at all that there are more male spaths than female spaths. Actually it is to be expected statistically that there are as much female spaths as there are male spaths. But many female spaths are probably misdiagnozed as narcistic or borderliner because they do not excihibit as much violence. This is probably because their mask fakes cultural acceptable female ‘qualities’, as well as having less testosterone than their male counterparts. Even with serial killers the murders by female serial killers is of a different nature than a male serial killer, but as lethal and more covert. Also, while the majority of survivors here are women, that doesn’t always mean the spath they come here for is male: they had a spath daughter (in law), a female spath partner, etc… It seems that male survivors may fear the reactions if they come out with their stories and have a bigger threshold to overcome to communicate about it, at least on Lovefraud.

As for the person who commented on the experience of yours….(a) People who do not understand what sociopathy is and never experienced the bond with them nor the con simply cannot understand what you are going through. They simply think you should get over the ‘bad break up’ and think you should have broken it off as soon as the red flags were up. THey simply have no idea or do not recognize that you were bonded to them and had little say over this bonding depth at all. (b) Commentators can also be rating high on the Hare scale themselves, enough to be having a machiavelistic mind. So they see the world almost like a spath themselves: sharks on the one hand and people who are bleeding hearts. (c) Commentators can be spaths themselves.

So my advice is not to read those comments at all. Especially cases (b) and (c) will blame the victim. Group (a) will call the spath a jerk but think there’s something wrong with you for not being able to cope with it as if it was just a date going wrong.


Victorian12, women have been conditioned and raised up to believe that “romance” is the benefit of “true love,” and that every woman must find “true love” in order to be “compelete.”

What Darwinsmom said, above, about people’s perceptions is 100% spot-on. These people do not have a personal frame of reference of their own to pronounce such glib suggestions that victims “Should have known,” or that they “Just need to get over it,” once the love fraud is exposed. This, in my very personal opinion, is why post-spath experiences demand personal counseling therapy.

Counseling therapy, as I’ve written again, and again, does not mean that we’re crazy, weak, or “disordered,” ourselves. We have been damaged to a degree that is incomprehensible to most others, and on every level imaginable. A good, strong counseling therapist that “gets it” is an objective and non-judgemental ear. They hear our rants, raves, pains, fears, and despair without emotional attachments. They can see where our issues are, point them out, and give us tools to repair those issues so that we can heal and “get over it.”

In counseling, we learn how to process our experiences, repair our boundaries, lay stronger foundations for our boundaries, and learn how to SELF-validate our feelings.

Brightest blessings


@ Darwinsmom,
How good it feels to hear the truth of the matter. Right on! I appreciate your accurate explanation of the reasons for comments such as the one I offered from one of the commentators. Certainly, there’s nothing else to add. You’ve said it all.
I believe, most likely, comments such as this tend to be made by people rating high on the Hare scale as you well said. Who else could convey such cold views on the breakup of a relationship. Yes, I know, I’m the bleeding heart for them, so the shark wins, as if love was a contest of sorts, which it is in the SP’s world. They just see life as a game of chess. What they can’t see is that I came out a winner, not only because I withdrew from the match before it was too late and therefore he was left with no game, something SPs hate, but also because I became wiser and stronger not in spite of it but because of it. Darwinsmom, can we skype to exchange views? Blessings


Victorian12, exactly – nobody else other than spaths regard the world as sharks versus bleeding hearts!

And yes it sounded like the spath wasn’t a success. You stopped enabling him at some point, and that’s when you gradually learned the truth about him. He only wanted someone else to be responsible for his adult life. And it does make use wiser and stronger.

I don’t chat at the moment, because I know it will keep me from doing the stuff I need to do at this moment (preparing my move in 2 weeks and studying for my re-trial exams). But you can post here on the blog and exchange views that way, not just with me but everybody else 🙂


Darwinsmom, thank you for your insightful views. Certainly, you have hit the nail on the head.
Don’t worry about it, I know we are all busy, but just so all of you know, I’m available to chat if you need to let it off. 🙂
You are all very intelligent, insightful people. Pity sharks should target people with such sharp insight and sensitivity and vision. It’s been five months now since I put an end to this relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and meditation to heal my wounds, but still, sometimes I have this ‘Why me’ feeling, because it hurts so much. He destroyed my love dreams and has left me with no trust in people, and this is a lifelong damage, I mean how can we ever recover fully from something that is bound to leave a scar for life. My brain may get back to its normal condition but my mentality about human beings and relationships has changed forever. Not only that, like you, darwinsmom my stress/anger capacity is visibly diminished and I burst out in anger over minor things, and my degree of tolerance of other people’s behavior is low. The other day, while I was shopping at a flea market, a woman addressed a comment, intended for me, like ‘you should ask who’s last, otherwise….blah blah blah’ and I came up with ‘who are you to give orders around here, do that in your home’ and then I said to her that she should complain over bigger issues not trifles such as who’s next or who’s last……lol. Anyway, everybody was kind of taken aback at my strong reaction. That’s how it goes, then I realized that that’s not the real me, it’s just the result of the adverse effects of my recent traumatic bond with a spth.
I feel I need to share my story, what I went through so that I can get feedback from people who are understanding and who’ve been through a similar experience like you have. So, if anyone is willing to talk it out, I’m all for it. Blessings and love to you all.



Only very recently have I come to see that my romantic expectations of life were what got me into trouble… I was on a corrective path for a while already, and the spath only sealed the deal for me. And a couple of days ago I read some diary romantic ramblings of myself when I was in my mid 20s. My jaw literally dropped to the floor when I read it. I felt a part of pity, but also disgust at the way my mind worked when it came to a man I was interested in. I still have hope and faith with regards to love in my life, but it’s a concept that 20-something verion of myself could never have understood at all, because my present views would not have been her dream… but that dream was an air-castle and imo pretty condescending, know-it-all, and overly absorbed too.

What I’m saying is that perhaps your past love dreams weren’t helping you in the first place, were ‘wrong’ dreams to begin with.

Yes, your trust in society and people gets a big beating too. But it’s not bad we give ourselves the right to be more careful about people.

And it sounds to me as if you are sensitive about boundaries. Perhaps you may still need to learn how to express them, but just like you can give yourself the right to be more cautious, you can also give yourself the right to set boundaries.

Scars, they hurt but they also reveal that we have lived and loved and learned. They are the roots to our developed personality.


Has anybody read this book yet?

Was it good?

Thomas Sheridan hosts a blog about spaths, and wrote another book “Labrynth of a Psychopath” which I am reading now and I think it’s GREAT. This guy totally gets it.



You are very welcome. To answer your question, I would not have been able to express myself and the answers that I would give to you, nearly as acurately as darwinsmom and Truthspeak. As Truthspeak expressed: “In counseling, we learn how to process our experiences, repair our boundaries, lay stronger foundations for our boundaries, and learn how to SELF-validate our feelings”, these are the most profound skills that I have aquired for myself, throughout my recovery process, which has included counciling therapy amongst some other things.

I had experienced back to back occurences with 2 Cluster B’s which left me in tailspins of my own, in the aftermath(s). I understand fully, the details of what you have expressed, as well as the multiple psychological and physical/biological issues that you must be having to endure at this time. If I may share with you one of the most important things I learned to do, especially throughout the stage you seem to be experiencing, was to have compassion for myself. To allow myself to grieve the loss of my freedom of thought, happiness and spirit I once possessed (you will get yourself back, in time), and to give myself permission to take extra good care of myself and my psyche. I made sure to surround myself with only those who I knew I could trust completely, to cry and express myself, my feelings, emotions with them, as well as myself in private whenever needed, to pamper myself with hot bubble baths, healthy and hearty foods, chocolates (forgive me), and meditate whenever possible. I pushed myself to continue hiking and paddle boarding which kept the endorphins flowing. If you have a favorite physical activity that you do, I encourage you not to stop it. It is one of the things that gave me glimpses of relief from the confusion, anger, sadness and overall craziness in my mind.

I wish you all the best throughout your healing journey, and please know that you are loved ~ I will be thinking of you and will include you in my prayers!




I haven’t read any of Tom’s books yet, but he is indeed someone who gets it. I visited his forum for a while and I found it overall a place of wisdom. I don’t go there anymore though because I experienced that it was a big no-no to refer to someone as narcissist instead of as a psychopath, or even to suggest that the professional world may have their reasons to differentiate between narcissists, psychopaths and borderliner. And people were quite dogmatic about that as well as the term ‘psychopath’, and I was told I was invalidating other people’s experiences by saying it didn’t matter to me what labels are used exactly, as well as told I was on the wrong forum if I didn’t agree with that dogma. I concluded Tom was right about me being at the wrong forum. I prefer places where we can all disagree with each other (including the host) and have the freedom to make up our own minds.

But I do believe he is an insightful man who gets sociopathy/psychopathy, and I’m curious after his books. And I still recommend the forum to people who are learning about their partner being a sociopath/psychopath. It’s advizable not to mention Lovefraud there though, as they do not ‘endorse or strongly disagree with opinions and mission’ of Lovefraud (in their own words and it’s what caused a rejective response, and I do not wish anyone from here experience a similar thing or worse (like being accused of being a troll or spath intent on causing trouble) while visiting there.


Victorian 12,

I neglected to mention something… In regard to your comment “my degree of tolerance for other people’s behavior is low”…allow that to be something positive in nature. I am the same, and the low to no tolerance I have has been very useful for me, as previously I had been much to accepting and flexible.

In addition, regarding your trust issue…Trust has been the most difficult for me to re establish in others, as well as myself. There is an excellent book that I am reading, and use as a workbook, called “Trust After Trauma”, by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D. I have read several books regarding many different aspects of the disordered, as well as healing from the affects, and this book has surpassed the rest in terms of healing from symptoms of post traumatic stress and gaining back trust. I highly reccommend that you utilize this book, if possible.

Much love,


Personally, I believe that my “trust issues” were what allowed me to be so open and vulnerable a target. I openly trusted people until such time as they gave me reason to withdraw my trust – even then, I was always reluctant to reclaim it and engaged in heavy-duty cog/diss. I didn’t want to offend anyone lest they disapprove of me or not “like” me.

To me, that is more of a “trust issue” than remaining wary of people until they’ve earned that trust.

Boundary issues, I’m afraid, will always require my vigilance. UGH… it is, and so shall it be.


Victorian12, it just may be that your “intoloerance” is linked to personal triggers and not necessarily an appropriate time and/or place to voice an opinion. I know that every recovering story that I have read on this site (as well as others) consistently reflects this “growing pain” of recovery.

I find that I must be very, very cautious because my personal triggers are hair-wired, go off if left unattended, and end up creating more problems for me than if I had simply acknowledge where my control truly is (with myself, and nobody else), and just remove myself from an uncomfortable situation.

Working on this, today, is a serious challenge. I am emotionally raw, right now, and I recognize this. So, I’m going to have to really focus on facts rather than feelings for a good, long time.


I am just seeing the same about myself, with regard to the intolerance / trigger things. I experienced something the other day, when I was out with a friend and we ran into someone that she knew from her past, who immediately came off to me as an extremely superficial charmer. Within the first few seconds of his introduction he came off as an over confident, immature storyteller. I somewhat shut down mentally, became bored and a bit nausiated. It took me a few hours of introspection to come up with what exactly it was that caused me not to trust him and or like him, for that matter. During that few hours, I had met a friend of hers that was kind, gracious, but mostly projected an abundance of humility. I realized at that moment that if someone shows that they possess a humble character, I engage with ease and find that I trust them. If that makes any sense…


… Ugh, I guess the Psychopath can portray humility, too…in the initial stages. Still learning…

yes, they mirror us. Mine seemed so humble. But there were little tells. He acted a bit childish, his voice was so soft, seductive and gentle. Almost like he was talking to a child.

A bit later I noticed that he seemed resentful of successful people, he couldn’t compliment anyone. He was always comparing himself to others, saying how much more innately talented he was.

Soon it was the obvious lies that were the most blatant red flags. but I didn’t know what they meant.

Even at age 17, I could see something was off. It wasn’t anything specific. It was a general impression of having low self-esteem and trying to hide it by putting others down and by lying about himself. Rather than make me sick of him, I felt sorry for him and I excused it. I wanted to reassure him that he was every bit as good as he pretended to be.

dumb, dumb, dumb. People with that kind of self-hate are toxic to others. You can’t fix it.


Yep Skylar, so very true, and I saw the same behaviors in the disordered one that I was with. Interesting how they are all so much the same. As if cloned…so unoriginal. No authenticity. Sheesh. Well, all good, now that we are rid of them.


Thank you for your comforting words and good wishes and the book on trust. I will read it. It’s a valuable experience to me to have you here and share my feelings and thoughts with you, it’s so comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, that there are people going through he same pain who can understand me and share positive thoughts. We all have many things in common, we are good people who made the mistake of believing that everybody is as good as we are or at least we didn’t know that the evil we fell prey to existed.
I’m still suffering the aftermath of the traumatic bond with the spath, my mind feels numb and I sometimes move around like a zombi and I cry often and i feel pity for myself.
I know this too shall pass and I have to give it time.
Once again, thank you to you all for your support.

Blessings and love.

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