By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my cousins, a lovely lady in her early 80s, who still has every marble she ever had and a heart as big as a wash tub, sent me the following story in an e mail. I had heard the story years ago, but hadn’t read it in a long time, but today when I read it, I thought about how the psychopathic experience makes this a very valuable analogy.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He ”¦ proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it ”¦?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do ”¦ this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are Special—Don’t EVER forget it.”
Count your blessings, not your problems.
The experience with a psychopathic abuser or any person who is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, hateful, malicious and lacks compassion, empathy or love crumples us, tears out feelings, and sometimes our very fibers, grinds us down ”¦ and yet, we do not lose our worth any more than the mutilated piece of currency does.
The media we see, read, and hear continually tells us that being young, beautiful, rich, stylishly dressed, cool, hip (or whatever today’s word is!) is what makes us valuable and pounds that message into our heads continually. This media message is however, not true! Let me repeat that, “This media message is not true!”
Our worth comes not from what the media says, not from what our neighbors think, or even from what our family and friends think, our value comes from what we are, who we are and what we think of ourselves.”¨If we examine ourselves and find ourselves less than we wish we were, we can be whatever we want to be in terms of the kind of person we want to be. Now, I’m not going to tell you that if you want to be an NBA star and you’re 50 years old and 5 feet 1 inch tall that you can become an NBA star, but if you are less honest than you want to be, less happy than you want to be, you can change that. You can improve yourself in so many ways to reach whatever emotional goals you set for yourself, but your basic worth can never be lost by what someone else does to you!
Stronga,
Ha! Smaller mirrors are a fab idea. 🙂
Agreed on the independent thing. I put myself through college and have lived on my own since I was a teenager. Would rarely accept help from anyone, wanted to do it all on my own. P got me to drop my guard and helped me so much financially, more than I’ve ever allowed anyone to help me. I had huge amounts of debt due to being laid off several years ago and living off credit cards for a year.
I don’t expend the energy I used to worrying about appearances. Too many other worthwhile things to put my energy into these days. My comment about never reaching complete self acceptance was more geared towards the ‘complete’ part, I think most of us would change one or two little things here or there. I do get irritated that I allowed my upbringing to undermine my confidence to the degree I did, and still do sometimes.
I’m glad you are in a good place now. Being independent is so much better than relying on someone who is dedicated to breaking us down. They are all bullies, aren’t they? Big spath bullies. Thanks for the kind words. 🙂
Karma,
quoting you: “they are all bullies”
Yep, that is RIGHT!!!!
I like Stronga’s idea bout “smaller mirrors” LOL Yep, that too.
We hit our peaks about 20-25, and no matter how we eat, work out, etc. we are going to gradually “go down hill” in the “looks” department as we age. What is REALLY IMPORTANT is what we become inside as we get older.
Our body deteriorates as it ages and the natural design of it is that is what happens, but we SHOULD learn wisdom during those years of our lives so that when we do reach “old age” (I”m there!) we have accumulated enough wisdom that our mind and hearts are at peace with who we are….inside and out.
OUr media tells us that as we age we become worthless because youth and beauty is everything.
Funny thing, a while back I saw Ann Margaret on television. You may not remember her but she was a “hottie” back in my days, dated Elvis, etc. She has had so much plastic surgery that the dimple in her chin is what used to be her navel. She still wears her hair like she did when she was 25, etc. (and this woman must be 65-75) the effect was like a Barbie Doll that had gotten too close to the heat. It was bizzare.
There are stars who “age gracefully” and act their age and dress their ages, and those are the ones that I admire, rather than those who try with surgery etc. to appear decades younger than they really are because to them “appearance is everything.”
I hope all this rambling makes sense. Have a good day! God bless.
Ox,
Wait, you can’t quote me, I was quoting Stronga! Is that some sort of blog plagierism?
I remember Ann Margaret. And what about Priscilla Presley, speaking of Elvis and all. Spooky.
It is good to know not everyone is youth obsessed and there is a place for aging gracefully. The messages given by the media are so damaging, even to young girls who end up with eating disorders in order to look like Kate Moss. I was happy to see the recent campaigns against air brushing in magazines. How did we become so shallow as a society, anyway?
Oh, and duck egg omlets?
Karma, I had to do a double take when I read your first two comments…wow. You are not alone. As I’ve stated here before, I have the same issues around body image vs what is really important in life. My whole world has revolved around appearance as far back as I can remember, to my detriment.
I, too, when I worked with path was the soul older person amongst 20 somethings…old enough to be their grandmother! This is why I said on another thread, that I almost *had* to believe path really cared since I was the least likely of all the women there to catch his attention. I thought I was special to him for some reason.
I allowed myself to feel, for the first time, as if someone liked me not just for my looks but for something he saw in me that I didn’t see in myself. This has been the most crushing part of all, knowing I meant nothing to him…it doesn’t matter that he is incapable – it sets me back to square one, has crushed my spirit so badly. In believing in him, I believed in myself. Sometimes that can work….I still can’t wrap my head around the real deal. Working so very hard at it though.
You said ” I know this is a direct result of my flamboyant N mother who taught me from young age that looks are all that matter, oh, and having a man, that too.”
Again, just to let you know, I came from a similar circumstance. We took it to heart, my friend..
You are not alone and I do think there is hope. It takes work and doing all you can to believe in the wonderful person that you are. I can tell that you are terrific, loving and caring. Your son is very lucky..and it’s so healthy that you have him to focus upon. To raise him healthily with appropriate values about life is such a great way of helping yourself break out of those chains of appearance bondage your mom wound around you.
It’s ok to be you. You *will* look in the mirror, you will step on the scale. Everyone does. For people like us, it takes work that centers around liking ourselves as people, and those things we don’t like, we accept fully, then try to change them to help ourselves lead better lives. This is what I’m trying to do…I was making good headway till path blew up my world. Had I liked *myself* enough, it wouldn’t have happened. I saw the red flags.
Love to you….hang in there.
Great article Ox.
Aw, Still, you made me cry. 🙂 Thank you, I’m so glad you understand my plight.
My mother and stepfather used to talk about me in the third person when I was in the room, ‘what are we going to do about her HAIR’, ‘her HAIR, what about her SKIN!’ Going NC with my crazy mother was one of the best moves I ever made.
I’m so sorry your piece of crap spath made you feel so low. It is insidious, the way they break us down. I’m quite sure you are fabulous and I hope you can get that spirit back. It is so hard when you have to go to work and report to a 20 something boss, and deal with the somewhat moronic 20 something teammates. I think thats one of the main reasons I struggle so much, the work situation, I mean.
Really, your comments are like a tonic to me. It is a bondage of sorts, isn’t it? I am proud to say I left the house today without giving much thought to my ridiculous hair (very curly), nor makeup. And, as an added bonus, I was able to make small talk at the post office and grocery store! There is hope. I hope you can be compassionate with yourself, we are always our own worst critcs, aren’t we?
And yes, I do tell my son he is handsome, but more than that I tell him he is so smart, funny and sweet. I have no intention of passing on my mother’s neurosis to the next generation.
Thank you for making me feel so much better.
Karma,
Going NC with your mother! Good for you! It is difficult to de-parent yourself…but when you realize that these PEOPLE where never parents to you in the first place.
Talking about you in the third person while you are in the room. That is total devaluation if ever I heard it! Like you are an object!
Reeling, I am glad that you are working on valuing yourself too. It is difficult, but I work on it every day. Today is one of those good days when I feel “chipper” and upbeat! Tomorrow I may look at myself and say “OMG! Where did my youth go?” LOL
But one thing that makes me feel good is I LOOK BETTER THAN ANN MARGARET!!!! LOL ROTFLMAO
Still Reeling,
Also, I meant to mention before getting all gushy that there is a great book called Trapped in the Mirror, Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self, by Elan Golomb that really opened my eyes. It was one of those books that was life changing for me. I’d almost go as far to say it helped more than therapy, although therapy was helpful as well.
Here’s to not being Ann Margaret. 🙂
Karma, knowing I can make you feel better is so affirming for me too. I think that’s one of the many charms of this forum. Mutual understanding, compassion and the opportunity to give as well as take. Thank *you*.
I’ve been in the 3rd party situation as well but my dad never played into it and so mom mainly maimed me alone or in front of my friends. Also with hair, skin, posture, fingernails, even the way I carried a bag! Yes, she used to say, “Reeling, there’s an art to carrying a bag..you don’t crumple it up into a messy ball.” Also, things like, “You never look finished…there’s always something wrong or missing when you’re dressed.” Sounds very similar to what you went thru.
This lady I revered though. And loved with all my heart. Because there were times we laughed and she sat and listened to all my crap. I was very open with her. The girls in my college dorm would tease me for spending so much time on the phone with her. Until I got into therapy, I considered her my best friend. Always took her hand in shopping malls. I guess for my wiring, I did the only thing I knew how to do….and that as to pretend we were best buds so I didn’t have to face that my mom disapproved of me.
Once in therapy, I went the opposite way. Not NC, but I did set limits with her..she was not allowed to talk about my appearance. That was not the therapist’s first sugg. His first sugg was to take what advice I wanted and let the rest go in one ear and out the other. I was never able to do that.
Anyway, I became very anxious in her presence. I don’t even like to think about it right now. There was no pleasing her.
She’d bitch about my biting my nails, finally I’d grow them out and she’d say they were too long. My hair was too fine (too bad you got your father’s hair), too short, too long. I was too thin, then once when I actually gained a little wgt, she freaked out. After that I spend 12 awful years with an eating disorder….bye bye 20’s…never getting those years back.
OK, well listen, I am going to stop wallowing. Karma, Ill check out Trapped in the Mirror….prob can get it cheap on Amazon. If not, the library! Thank you and I appreciate your thougtful and kind comments so much.
Listen, it’s really freeing to go out of the house w/out makeup and hair fixed…I’ve always done it on the weekends and I’m so glad of that. My mom used to chastise me for it.
So happy you are bringing up your son in a healthy way. I tried with my daughter as well…we did hit some rough spots and I wasn’t always the best me I could be….(toxic shame, here we go). I think she turned out pretty well…almost 23 yrs old.
You are a great person and a thoughtful and kind one too. Thank you for your support.
Ox, agree with everything you said. LOL on Ann Margaret. I do love her tho. I recall being so impressed when she did the movie Tommy with no makeup….loved her for that.
Love you guys. And again, thanks so much and hugs.
Karma I ordered Trapped in the Mirror for $1 + 4.00 shipping *and* this one too…it looks good as well:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride
Take care and thx again!
Still Reeling,
How awful, I mean to love your mom and have her undercut you like that. It was different for me, I didn’t feel much for my mom other than contempt after I reached my teenage years. It’s why I moved out as soon as I could. I still tried to have a relationship for a while, inviting her to dinner (which she declined because she had to feed the dogs), asking her to go shopping (she tried to steal from the store), etc. She was very troubled.
I caught her cutting out paper letters and glueing them to paper in the form of a note once. While wearing rubber gloves. She was livid because her 30 something boyfriend dumped her for a younger woman. Mom was in her early 60’s. She was sending a letter to the police advising them that her ex boyfriend’s new chick was a drug dealer. I said something like, oh mom what are you DOING!! ‘She doesn’t deserve her kids’ was her answer. Huh?
I could go on about how she treated me after I had my son, when he was hospitalized as a baby for RSV and I asked her to please bring me some clean clothes because I refused to leave him, and she refused saying it was just too far to drive (we live in the same city), can’t I just get someone else to do it? No point rehashing all that, I know you get the picture. My father ended up remarrying someone just like my mom, so now I have a crazy stepmother, too. Can’t go NC with her though, it would kill my dad.
I’ve noticed Will I Ever Be Good Enough while researching spaths. Seems all my attention recently has been focused on trying to understand how I ended up with such an abusive man and how I can heal from his damage. I practically have a library now of books on trauma bonds, spotting spaths, overcoming spaths, codependency, you name it. More than I ever wanted to know, thank you very much. I’m going to add Will I Ever Be Good Enough to the library. 🙂
I’m glad you wallowed with me. 🙂 Feel free to do so anytime! We can get better. Do you see your daughter often?
I’m off to cover my roots. Hope I don’t get a bonk on the head. 🙂