By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my cousins, a lovely lady in her early 80s, who still has every marble she ever had and a heart as big as a wash tub, sent me the following story in an e mail. I had heard the story years ago, but hadn’t read it in a long time, but today when I read it, I thought about how the psychopathic experience makes this a very valuable analogy.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He ”¦ proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it ”¦?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do ”¦ this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are Special—Don’t EVER forget it.”
Count your blessings, not your problems.
The experience with a psychopathic abuser or any person who is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, hateful, malicious and lacks compassion, empathy or love crumples us, tears out feelings, and sometimes our very fibers, grinds us down ”¦ and yet, we do not lose our worth any more than the mutilated piece of currency does.
The media we see, read, and hear continually tells us that being young, beautiful, rich, stylishly dressed, cool, hip (or whatever today’s word is!) is what makes us valuable and pounds that message into our heads continually. This media message is however, not true! Let me repeat that, “This media message is not true!”
Our worth comes not from what the media says, not from what our neighbors think, or even from what our family and friends think, our value comes from what we are, who we are and what we think of ourselves.”¨If we examine ourselves and find ourselves less than we wish we were, we can be whatever we want to be in terms of the kind of person we want to be. Now, I’m not going to tell you that if you want to be an NBA star and you’re 50 years old and 5 feet 1 inch tall that you can become an NBA star, but if you are less honest than you want to be, less happy than you want to be, you can change that. You can improve yourself in so many ways to reach whatever emotional goals you set for yourself, but your basic worth can never be lost by what someone else does to you!
Oh and Oxy, when you said my parents treated me like an object, you were spot on. Interestingly enough, the P said to me on numerous occasions, with NO prompting from me, “I’m NOT objectifying you!” Another tell. He knew exactly what he was doing.
His sexual dysfunction was so disgusting, its one of the things that I struggle with the most, the things he wanted from me and felt entitled to. He was violent with me twice, could almost be called sexual assault, only I managed to get away. So very disturbing, it has really shaken me.
Dear Karma,
Of course I wouldn’t boink you for covering your roots! LOL
I’m so glad that you both are able to give each other some comfort and understanding. That IS what LoveFraud is about.
Ns and Ps and other toxic forms whether they are parents or lovers, take away our souls, but we do not have to let it be permanent. Just like the 20 dollar bill, no matter how crumpled we are, we are STILL VALUABLE! (((hugs))))
Karma, I am speechless at your mother’s behavior. A very sick woman it sounds like. WOW. SO MAL NARC!!! OMG!!! It was very difficult for me to read that, very difficult indeed. Thankfully you realize, as you said just how troubled she is/was. Talk about being made to feel worthless and non-existent even. Maybe on the bright side, it was easier to disconnect from her because there were not chinks in her narc armor.
I recall when I was in the throes of an eating disorder, prob around 27 yrs old. I lived in a high rise apt and was getting my mail from the large bank of mailboxes in the lobby when a guy approached. He was new to the bldg and began to talk to me immediately about being a recovering heroin addict. It was a chilling story that also displayed his tremendous inner strength and enormous motivation to stay clean. Meetings several x per day, meditation, groups of all sorts, etc. He said that telling his story to anyone that would listen was very therapeutic. I shared that I also had an addiction to overeating and starvation to keep from gaining wgt. His response was that he was surely glad to have been addicted to heroin rather than food as one has to eat every day but they don’t have to shoot up. Quite true.
In a sense, this story reminds me of you and I and our rships with our moms. The kind of things your mom did to you basically beg for NC. She was consistently not available, no guilt, no shame, no conscience. My mom, on the other hand, engaged quite a bit, even tho so very critical and so obviously more respectful and enamored of my older brother. We did have good times together when I could distract her from wanting to rip into relatives, friends, put everyone down, etc. There was laughter and she was giving and loved her grandkids. Catch 22, she being largely responsible for my toxic shame but also giving just enough for me to feel I had to stay engaged.
So much cog diss.
They did hone us into the perfect little targets for the paths in our lives. Another Catch 22, this inability to get to them and make them understand and pay for the way they hurt and abused us. Bastards. Sorry.
I’m sure you’ve read the Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. It may be a very tough read for you, it was for me. But I’m glad I read it – auto-biographical by the author about her life as a child in a horror story of a family. I think you’ll relate to her mom’s behaviors. I did in some ways, but I liked the book because of the strength and character of this young girl and the woman she became, risiing from the ashes of hell basically. It’s a horror story tho. Have a feeling you’ve read it.
I had a really funny and kind of uplifting experience last night – it was prob very unhealthy for a variety of reasons and I’ve already made sure I didn’t fully enjoy it because of that. But since I’ve shared so much misery and pain here, esp of late, I figured I’d post it. Went to Wolf Trap (Vienna, Va) which for those who aren’t familiar with this area is a gorgeous concert venue. I go every summer just because I love it there….generally they don’t get the kind of entertainment I like but I find something. I have started going alone when my hub or friends don’t want to or can’t. It’s fine..I don’t mind at all. I like to get there early, get a glass of overpriced wine and people watch. Last night Rain was there (Beatles cover band – they’re pretty good).
I has been really hot here but yesterday and last night simply gorgeous out. I was walking around trying to find a place to sit on the grass and drink the wine (can’t take it to the seats). I saw this guy kind of walking behind me and sure enough, he plopped down right next to me. For a few min, I thought, “Nah, come on, he looks 25 yrs old at the most…you’re letting the upswing of insecurity get the better of you”. Literally I could almost be the grandma of a 25 yr old!
But he did start talking to me and finally asked if I wanted to share his blanket. HAHAHA. I was flattered but later figured out that he prob chose me because I was alone. Not many people go there alone. He was a really nice guy, a personal trainer and boy, he looked it. He wanted me to FB friend him..LOL…right!!!!!!!!!!!!
But even tho I have already ruined the experience in my mind, didn’t really feel comfortable with someone so young (was getting jealous of all the pretty young things walking by…so pathetic!!), and of course after path, I couldn’t believe a word he said, it still gave me a lift. *AND* it took my mind off path. Hey, it made me see that even tho I *am* married and am not getting involved with some young guy or anyone else unless my hub and I split, I *most certainly **CAN** be attracted to other men besides path. In fact, it was so refreshing to listen to this guy speak about his job, his family, etc., and later when I checked it out on FB (I had to look!!) he was telling the truth at least his story stuck to what I saw on FB. I didn’t friend him. He’s 29 yrs old for starters and so many pretty girls on his site…and he’s a kid from my perspective…very cute guy.
Anyway, we talked thru intermission, I did not share his blanket and I got out of there when it got dark and went to my seat…did not want to share a romantic interlude with him, which is what happens on the grass when it gets dark and they start singing the more intimate songs….no thanks.
Have a good day all!!!!!
Karma, you rock, hang in there.
Oh btw, I must do my roots too!!!! Hate doing it tho. Envy you being done…I always end up with the dye all over my head – not good with hair or staying on the roots. Plus they discontinued my wonderful hair dye so I pay an arm and leg on Amazon. Yes, I have that damned “fine” hair my mom so angsted over, bless her heart so I like a gentle hair dye.
Ya know, I have rambled so much, I have to say one more thing. For as long as I can remember, one of my obsessions which involves my hair is that if I accidentally pull one out, I have a sh*t fit. It ruins my day and makes me feel it is noticeable and with such fine hair, I can’t afford it. Can you imagine with all the problems I have and the world has, that this bothers me???? There were times when I happened when path was in my life and I was sure that would end his interest in me.
Can you see how strongly my mom got to me??? Hell I believed everything she said and not only internalized it but made it a part of my belief system, then burned it into my very core. Wow.
Hey, if nothing else you all can feel glad you aren’t me.
I’m reading this latest discussion and it causes me to nod in understanding. That core of shame is SO damaging, on every level. From my physical appearance to my financial security, and everything in between – the shame-core had such a driving impact on every decision.
My mother often told me that my hair was my “crowning glory.” I used to have luscious long hair, and it began to go thin as I approached menopause. Then, a series of emotional traumas caused my physiology to deal with the stress by relieving me of MORE hair. Now, since I’ve been on chemo, my scalp is glaringly visible. Needless to say, I’ve cut my hair quite short, and to HELL with crowning glories or any other outward beauty!
I am what I am. I’m not going to succumb to the current trend of pretending that aging can be stopped through invasive cosmetic surgery, implants, injections, liposuction, dermabraisions, and the lot – what a HELL of a market “youth” is!
As for my noticable wrinkles? I earned every stinking ONE of them, and they’re my badges of healing. I couldn’t care less if I’m not “attractive” to men, since I have no interest or intention of ever engaging in a romantic entanglement, for the rest of my life.
What I am eager to “fix” is my soul. My essence. The part of me that has the power to heal itself and create beauty in the world through words, artwork, and true unconditional love.
Today….even if it’s ONLY today….I’m chalking up the “WIN” and all spath carnage can go straight to the bowels of hell. I don’t know how I’ll feel, tomorrow, but I’m “good,” today. And, I’ll take that over a plate of ribeyes, any day! 😀
Good morning Still,
Thank you for sharing so much with me. I do not consider it rambling at all. It helps me so much.
I know telling my story has been therapeutic. I was not sure it would be, thats why I just read the blog for a couple of months before I could post. It’s been good to talk about the P and about my mother.
I googled her name recently to see if there was an obituary notice since I have no idea whether she’s still alive. I don’t deal with anyone on that side of the family. I have a half sister as well, but she and my mother are both liars and cheats and I want nothing to do with either of them. My mom and sister used to go on cruises together and my mom would lie and say she went alone, but when I went to her house, she’d have pics all over of the two of them on the cruise.
I’m sorry you had to deal with the eating disorder. I did a lot of reading about anorexia and bulimia because I worked with someone who was bulimic and I knew she was killing herself. She’s a size zero to this day. Initially I wanted to help her, but she was so entrenched, I had to distance myself. Good for you for having the internal fortitude and strength to overcome it.
You are brave to go out on your own! I can’t really do that yet. I can run errands during the day, but I cannot put myself into social situations. I start having mild panic attacks if there are too many people around me. I’ve always been shy though, this experience has just set me back a bit. I love going out with my son because he still likes to hold my hand and act playful with me and it sort of helps me integrate back into being with people. Funny thing is my son has Aspergers, he’s supposed to be the socially anxious one. He’s overcome an awful lot.
You were approached by someone last night, and you sound ok this morning. I applaud the fact that it did not completely freak you out. It would have freaked me out.
I have not read Glass Castle. I have a very hard time reading about any sort of child abuse, of any sort. Go to great lengths to avoid it if possible. I’ve been able to read non fiction, self help books about it only because there is little emotion in the text.
I read Donna’s book last night, the Red Flags one. Have you read it yet? I had to set it down a few times because it is extremely intense. I had resisted reading it because I thought reading the blog so much would help enough, but the book is so much deeper. Highly recommend it, but it is triggering.
Yes I understand how deeply your mom got to you. I feel the same and I work on purging her influence as much as possible. For many years I could not use hair spray or drink coffee because those smells reminded me of her. I’ve gotten past that now, though.
We had a huge fight once and I flipping lost it. I screamed at her and told her I hoped she burned in hell for being the awful parent she was. I left home for a few days, but had to come back because I was underage. My mom said to me ‘I forgive you for those things you said about me, I know you didn’t mean them.’ BITCH. Never ever allowed me one moment of validation.
Thank you for being so open with me. It is increadibly healing. I thought all of MY rambling would have run you off. 🙂 And believe me, I understand the hair obsession. My mom used to humiliate me repeatedly with my hair. I have fine hair, but A LOT of it, and its curly. She used to either cut it very short or put it into many little pony tails and laugh at how stupid I looked. Until I got old enough, that is, then I was able to keep her away. I used to have dreams about her killing me, and in my dreams she was always bald. We have the same hair.
Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! I was going to get my brakes done today, but I can’t bringmyself to sit in the waiting room for the length of time it could take. Too much of a chance I’d have to talk to someone or just be around people for an extended period of time with no way to leave. Sorry if I’m a downer today, I think Donna’s book really got to me, but it was so helpful as well.
I’m so glad I met you! 🙂
Truth,
You are so strong and I am so jealous. Are you cancer free now?
Karma, my dear……I’m not strong, whatsoever. I’m just a fighter, that’s all. I have many, many moments of utter despair, but I’m not going to allow myself to have one, today. I’m just not.
The chemo is standard treatment for my immune disorder. And, the thing about this drug is that I actually FEEL the toxicity when I take it. I hate it, and the most ludicrous aspect of the divorce action is that the exspath is suggesting that I’m not suffering from any immune disorder and willingly taking a toxic chemical for……pity and personal gain? REALLY!? So, I went to my doctor and said, “Hey, Doc….it looks like I’m going to be going through a really nasty divorce. Listen….could you write down in my medical record that I have an immune disorder and prescribe some kind of poison so I can look like a pitiful victim?” Doc says, “Oh, sure. I do that, every day. In fact, I’ll just make a little note on the prescription to substitute sugar pills for the chemical, and here’s the list of side effects that you can practice!’ ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, holy shitballs……..
Nearly everyone that I know is facing some sort of immune issue, especially women. Makes me wonder just how much abuse is still being perpetrated in spite of all of the “education and information” out there.
Karma, such an interesting post and so much in it, “sister.” I totally relate. You are not alone. Also a partner in panic attacks, hi anx, etc. I really want to comment on your post and will later. Have to go to my nephew’s bday party. I do *have* to say that I have been feeling that I being “involved” with people is too much trouble. I am sick to death of worrying what they think.
I have changed so much since corporate american blew me off and path. Maybe a bit of a different perspective, but I do understand where you’re coming from. More later. Please never think you are rambling when it comes to me! I feel like I’ve written 3 sentences, and when I see how much I’ve typed, I can’t believe how obnoxious I am.
Truth, you are ill? Geez, I am so sorry. This is one hell of a way to make peace with hair loss. I was sick last summer and I also felt that my emotional state was responsible in part for bringing it on.
You know I’m sending powerful positive and empowering vibes to you. And thinking of you with love. You are strong, have an intensely powerful self-concept, courageous to the hilt.
Couldn’t agree more about what is valuable in life…you are living proof of what all of us need to concentrate on and believe in. And it isn’t how much hair or wrinkling we have.
Huge blessings and enormous healthy vibes to you, Truth.
Hugs and love to you both.
Glad you don’t have cancer, Truth.