By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my cousins, a lovely lady in her early 80s, who still has every marble she ever had and a heart as big as a wash tub, sent me the following story in an e mail. I had heard the story years ago, but hadn’t read it in a long time, but today when I read it, I thought about how the psychopathic experience makes this a very valuable analogy.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He ”¦ proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it ”¦?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do ”¦ this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are Special—Don’t EVER forget it.”
Count your blessings, not your problems.
The experience with a psychopathic abuser or any person who is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, hateful, malicious and lacks compassion, empathy or love crumples us, tears out feelings, and sometimes our very fibers, grinds us down ”¦ and yet, we do not lose our worth any more than the mutilated piece of currency does.
The media we see, read, and hear continually tells us that being young, beautiful, rich, stylishly dressed, cool, hip (or whatever today’s word is!) is what makes us valuable and pounds that message into our heads continually. This media message is however, not true! Let me repeat that, “This media message is not true!”
Our worth comes not from what the media says, not from what our neighbors think, or even from what our family and friends think, our value comes from what we are, who we are and what we think of ourselves.”¨If we examine ourselves and find ourselves less than we wish we were, we can be whatever we want to be in terms of the kind of person we want to be. Now, I’m not going to tell you that if you want to be an NBA star and you’re 50 years old and 5 feet 1 inch tall that you can become an NBA star, but if you are less honest than you want to be, less happy than you want to be, you can change that. You can improve yourself in so many ways to reach whatever emotional goals you set for yourself, but your basic worth can never be lost by what someone else does to you!
Truth,
Holy shitballs is right. Your spath is so evil. And I disagree, you are strong. I’m so sorry you have to endure that chemical toxicity.
My immune issues are pretty mild, chronic allergy problems that lead to chronic sinus infections that lead to chronic fatigue. Pretty mild in the grand scheme of things. The P used to happily write me an Rx for some meds, I think he really enjoyed watching the fact that nothing helped.
Still – take your time, enjoy the party. I usually need time to digest it all anyway! Also, I MUST clean the house before my son’s dad brings him home!
http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/06/24/judge-orders-utah-mom-to-chop-off-daughters-ponytail-in-courtroom/?test=latestnews
Just wanted to share.
Hi everyone…
When my grandma was sick, I handled myself VERY poorly. I was sad. My ex had never seen this side of me as I typically handled myself well and any issues that. Erred dealing with we’re HIS… His stress at work, his insecurities, his jealousy, his hurt feelings. Etc. this time it was about ME! I needed a rock, a hug, to be told it would be ok… I was vulnerable.
During this time he was moving in w me and repeatedly told me ‘I don’t think you know how vulnerable I an right now.’. HUH? We dated for 5 years… Vulnerable??? What about ME, ME, ME!!! I couldn’t , literally, worry about him as I was barely keeping MY head above water. This is where the problem came in. You see, HE couldn’t take care of himself emotionally let alone me during MY time of need! I was called ‘selfish’ and ‘self absorbed’ and ‘only looking out for me.’.
I second guessed myself! I had never been called selfish by ANYONE and now my significant other thought I was selfish? I thought maybe I AM and tried desperately to be different. I was told I wasn’t attractive…although I know now my ‘unatteactiveness’ wasn’t the outside yet he didnt specify WHAT was unatteactive although he DID tell me I was too skinny, too muscely and not shapely anymore. Hmmmmm…
I was allowed to believe I WAS, in fact, an UGLY person…again, I’d NEVER been to that by anyone!!! He was my significant other, though, so it MUST be true!
I know MY ‘issues’ ( as he’s tried telling me I have many of) really weren’t mine then. I was VERY upset about my grandma and could have handled myself better had I been able to. I’m human. He couldn’t accept that side of me because if I was human, that meant I’d have needs and HE wouldn’t be always thought about first.
He texted me about a month ago asking for a ‘video’ we made years ago. I said ABSOLUTELY NOT will he get it! Again I was told I was selfish and only concerned about myself. He said he needed to know what he wanted was impt and that I’d ‘do right’ by him. He needed to know that what he wanted and needed hed get and for ONCE he wanted what he wanted when he wanted it. But I ‘couldn’t put mt first as always’. 4 days later he went trail riding with his ‘friend’…a month later they went to Florida. Bet she doesn’t know what he’s doin. I hate him
Onelukygurl,
I like your name, you are lucky to be away from him. They are all selfish brats with no capacity to love or support. How dare you need comfort when your grandmother was sick! Don’t you know he needs ALL of your attention? Don’t chastise yourself for not being superwoman when you had a sick family member.
It sounds like you grasp that he’s the one projecting his issues on to you. Try not to forget that. It took me a long time to understand how easily spaths can manipulate.
I’m glad you are writing about it, it does a world of good.
Karma
I have a difficult time really ‘getting’ the issues he has that he projects. I’m no idiot by ANY means, however when it’s you in the situation clarity is sometimes tough. Any ideas?
Onelukygurl, it might help you to familiarize yourself with the following terms and you can “google” search each of them:
* crazymaking
* gaslighting
* cognitive dissonance
The exspath that was in your life systematically broke down your self-esteem and self-confidence – EVERYTHING that was “self” oriented. Of course, you’re no idiot! And, that’s one of the things that he coveted and despised about you – your self-assurance and smarts. What they will never have, they intend to destroy.
Perhaps, it would be helpful to you if you reconsidered your assessment of how you were feeling when your grandmother was ill. You DIDN’T handle yourself “poorly.” You were behaving as any “normal” human being would! When we are dealing with dire illness/injury, we MUST be self-absorbed or we’ll simply be of no use, at all. We are focusing on ourselves so that we can get THROUGH the drama of whatever is happening.
You are not repsonsible for having been vulnerable. You’re simply not. You’re a human being with human reactions. HE is responsible for taking advantage of those vulnerabilities! He is the one at fault – not you. He deliberately, maliciously, and methodically worked you over to reduce you to emotional rubble. And, that’s it. That’s all.
The clarity is this: you were victimized by a predator. You are not responsible for him BEING a predator or for his taking advantage of your vulnerabilities when you had been led to believe that you could trust him to care about you and care FOR you.
I wanted to beat myself up for having trusted a very, very patient predator. There MUST have been some signs that the exspath was a predator! How could I have missed them? It doesn’t matter what I missed or how I could have missed it. What DOES matter is that the exspath took advantage of another human being who was emotionally fragile and vulnerable. The exspath is a Bad Person. Therefore, he is not allowed to exist in my Universe – figuratively speaking, of course.
With regard to “the issues he has that he projects,” those issues aren’t yours and there are far better uses for your precious energies than trying to sort this fiend out. Understanding “what” he is or “why” he is will not change that leopard’s spots. He is a bad person, and that’s all that matters.
We don’t see the spath’s deliberate dismantling of our personna because they perpetrate their crazymaking and gaslighting over a period of time. If the exspath were to have done everything that he managed to accomplish in the space of a first, second, or third date, I would have run in the other direction as if he were carrying Ebola Virus. But, they DON’T work their spath tricks all at once. They take it one step at a time – see what they can get away with and push the edge of that emotional envelope further, the next time. Opportunities arise for them to implant bullshirt into our heads, and they take full advantage of those opportunities in a manner that I find to be almost morbidly fascinating.
As an aside, I say that it’s morbidly fascinating because it is just that. How they “know” what to do and say is phenomenal. Do they LEARN how to do this? Is there a TEXTBOOK that they go by? Do they hear little evil voices in their empty heads telling them to POUNCE on this golden opportunity to tear their victims down?
So, Onelukygurl…….cut yourself some serious slack. Sheesh, I know people who have degrees in psychology that have been damaged by spaths! And, THEY had the information beforehand! Anyone can be victimized, Onelukygurl, given the perfect set of opportunities. Slack…..cut yourself some slack and BURN THAT VIDEO!!!! Burn it. End it. Have a funeral for it. Just get rid of it and don’t even entertain a response to his outrageous “request.” What a jagoff!
Brightest blessings and hugs
OneLuky,
Truthspeak is a genius, I always listen to her. 🙂
If you read this blog, you will soon begin to see the patterns. They are all very much alike. Spaths are creatures of habit, emphasis on creatures.
You might also want to look into the 5 stages of grieving, because you are grieving the loss of a relationship, and you will be angry. And that is ok.
You are NOT an idiot. You are lost, like we all were after realizing what we were dealing with.
Stick around and read our blogs, feel free to write when you feel up to it. We all get you.
Oh, and stay No Contact. It’s the only way to de-slime yourself from his toxicity. No texting, no emailing, no phone calls, no anything. ANY response, even if you are telling him what a piece of crap he is, will be taken as ‘supply’, attention is what he craves, good or bad.
Hello oneluckygirl,
Just wanted to applaud the posts above. Excellent advice. Don’t you give into him, girl. He is a bully. It’s all about power and you have it now. He can’t stand that. Oh it is such sweet revenge when you realise this beautiful thing, simple in it’s manifestation ….that is no contact. Hits em right between the eyes….so to speak.
Nope you are not guna lay down and let him have his own way. No more. I love karmas idea….have a bonfire. Yiha!!!!
Stay strong 1LG, ….it’s your best course of defence. No contact, nada, nothing.
Well done 🙂