By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my cousins, a lovely lady in her early 80s, who still has every marble she ever had and a heart as big as a wash tub, sent me the following story in an e mail. I had heard the story years ago, but hadn’t read it in a long time, but today when I read it, I thought about how the psychopathic experience makes this a very valuable analogy.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He ”¦ proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it ”¦?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do ”¦ this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are Special—Don’t EVER forget it.”
Count your blessings, not your problems.
The experience with a psychopathic abuser or any person who is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, hateful, malicious and lacks compassion, empathy or love crumples us, tears out feelings, and sometimes our very fibers, grinds us down ”¦ and yet, we do not lose our worth any more than the mutilated piece of currency does.
The media we see, read, and hear continually tells us that being young, beautiful, rich, stylishly dressed, cool, hip (or whatever today’s word is!) is what makes us valuable and pounds that message into our heads continually. This media message is however, not true! Let me repeat that, “This media message is not true!”
Our worth comes not from what the media says, not from what our neighbors think, or even from what our family and friends think, our value comes from what we are, who we are and what we think of ourselves.”¨If we examine ourselves and find ourselves less than we wish we were, we can be whatever we want to be in terms of the kind of person we want to be. Now, I’m not going to tell you that if you want to be an NBA star and you’re 50 years old and 5 feet 1 inch tall that you can become an NBA star, but if you are less honest than you want to be, less happy than you want to be, you can change that. You can improve yourself in so many ways to reach whatever emotional goals you set for yourself, but your basic worth can never be lost by what someone else does to you!
The honeymoon period for us lasted over 2 years!!! It’s effed up.
It’s ok, that’s what this forum is for. If I didn’t need support and validation, I would not be here either. And you aren’t a victim, you are a survivor.
Thanks for a great post, Oxy. And a good laugh too….Ann Margret’s dimple in her chin used to be her ex-navel!! Oh my, ROTFL.
That gaslighting has to be the most INSIDIOUS trick. I don’t know how they do it either. Something that still freaks me out is how Spathetic appeared to really ‘love’ his animals. How do they do that? He really seemed to care about them. But now that I think of it, he kept saying that his dog was a ‘babe magnet’ on the beach. I guess I have my answer. Just another bit of ‘mindfarking’.
And all the discussions about hair…reminds me I need my roots done too! While we are on the subject, I have found a very useful and inexpensive ‘hair wand’ that you can use for touch ups in between colour treatments. You literally ‘paint it on’ those pesky greys. You can carry it in your bag for emergencies and it washes out. Cool, huh?
Parallelogram, thanks for your insightful comments. My ex hated my feistiness …..one of his favourite sayings was “why do you always have to fight me, strongawoman?”
Fortunately for me I didn’t hand it ALL to him on a plate. I survive. I am strongawoman, lol.
In the words of Christina Aguilera…..play it LOUD!!
“Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter”
“onelukygurl says:
It’s funny. All I find myself wondering is if he will somehow treat her or anyone else better. Almost like there was something actually wrong with me that encouraged the poor treatment. I know that sounds strange although it’s true. Is it possible he would treat someone better and he REALLY just was ’fed’ up? I don’t think so””
1 lucky, I have to say it again, paths choose well. This would be pretty much exactly the thought process this freak of nature would like you to have. If he cared that is.
Honestly, if you can possibly find a way to get these kinds of thoughts to a minimum until they disppear into apathy, you will be doing yourself a huge favor.
As long as you put yourself down in your own eyes, path is running your life for that moment, those hours, that day. Life is far too precious for that and for some of us, we just get tangled up in these thoughts and keep trying to figure it out. I really relate to what you’re saying…..but I find I am questioning myself less and less and trying hard to wrap my head around the fact that he is messed up and *very* thankfully, I am *unable* to feel as he does! Which would be *not* to feel. So, you have to give up trying to analyze it and certainly not put yourself down for his sick treatment of you. HE is the sick one but someone they find a way, by choosing us *so* well, to make us question ourselves…if we only did this, said that, wore this, didn’t nag, didn’t open our hearts because they don’t like that. It wouldn’t make one ounce of difference what you did or said.
Please try not to think any of this has to do with you. These very sick individuals bring out the worst, not the best in you….and that would be normal.
I, too, hate feeling the victim because I’m so sensitive about that status anyway and hyper-vigilant about falling into it. Unfortunately, they force us into that position because they are perpetrators or evil and indisious behavior that pulls you in, then spits you out. That would make you by definition, a victim. Everyone here has beautifully addressed that. And I hope you allow it to penetrate and believe in it. The path is not to be believed – if you were never attracted to him and watched him treat a beloved friend the way he treated you, I’m sure you’d be tempted to hit him over the head with a baseball bat, not feel like he was fed up with your friend!! Be as kind to yourself…please.
I have been on this forum for several months now and am finally beginning to understand that the path in my life really was sick and it was NOT ME!! Sure I bought into it but had he not started it, I surely would NOT have. I was not interested in him at all!!!!!!!
Hell I’m no expert but I don’t think he had a clue what he was doing either. he saw something he wanted, I have no idea what he wanted me for – it seemed like sex, but I’m not sure. Then he went after it in a bizarre way that reeled me in. And I was still reeling, hence the name, when I joined this forum. I was shocked to see that others had encountered other creatures with the same mo.
As I look back now I cringe at my own behavior.
Things will get better. Just believe, just believe in YOU.
You are dear and don’t worry about anything but treating yourself well. You will always have support here.
Hugs and hang in there.
StillReeling, and, HOW they choose their targets, eh? Like I typed in another thread, it’s almost a morbid fascination at HOW they are so well able to pick out strengths, vulnerabilities, attributes, and so forth and just dash them into rubble. It’s absolutely mind-bending for me.
And, Onelukygurl…..you’re recovering, m’dear. The recovery process hurts. It’s painful. My revelations, personal ephiphanies, and the lot have been the definitions of “Ah-hah Moments,” to be sure. But, they also stung and burned. They still do.
I had a great day, yesterday, and it’s because I assigned myself a personal mandate to fart in the general direction of the exspath and make another cup of coffee.
There was a line in some movie that sums up my approach, yesterday:
It’s simply a case of “mind-over-matter.” I don’t mind, because HE doesn’t matter.
Yeah, I’d love to reach out to anybody who might be getting entangled with the exspath, but it would do no good for them, OR for me. I have no doubt that he’s already setting up someone with access to finances, whether it’s some stupid, young woman, or a much older, lonely woman. If I were to attempt to track these gals down, I’d be wasting precious energy that would be better served in my own healing processes – I cannot save them. I am NOT responsible for their choices. I am only responsible for me – myself. I can only control me – myself. Whatever goes forth with that jagoff is strictly out of my hands.
Having typed that, I am actually looking forward to my day in Court. No, I don’t maintain the delusion that the settlement will be “fair,” but I am throwing out POSITIVE energies and thoughts – I am VISUALIZING the exspath’s exposure for what he is and his being ORDERED to pay.
My focus is me, right now. And, if people find that to be an indication of my being “self-absorbed,” they can go piss up a nylon rope in the wind. I do NOT give one rat’s BEEhind about how other people perceive me to be. Don’t like it? Tough cookies, Talullah! I’m off for healing adventures, and part of that healing means that I do not require the approval, acceptance, or endorsement of those around me.
Onelukygurl – always keep in mind that YOU lived in the thick of the drama/trauma, and only YOU have the power of personal recovery. Take that power – FEEEEEEEEEL it tingle in your hands and up your spine! FEEEEEEEEL the unbridled glee as you view that dipshit as a cardboard cutout that makes noise, sometimes. Feel that sense of POWER when you block his profile, phone number, and all other contact from your personal life! Feel that INCREDIBLE sense of control when you tell “well-meaning” people that the topic of that dipshit is OFF LIMITS – you DON’T WANT TO KNOW, but, thank you so much for your concern!
WEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! TOWANDA!!!!!
Holy shitballs……I’m almost feeling exhuberant…..yay
I’ll have what she’s having. 🙂
I agree Karma.
Truth, wow….there is something in that post for everyone…I esp love and I do quote with all respect and reverance:
“I had a great day, yesterday, and it’s because I assigned myself a personal mandate to fart in the general direction of the exspath and make another cup of coffee. ”
See I even took time to give space above and below that gem *even tho* one cannot tell where they are on this little window. I took that time…for that comment. LOL!!!!!
The rest of your post, golden, golden. I must read it every day as must you. Because, well, it says it all. ALL. Nothing else imo needs to be said about pain or recovery.
I am glad that I learned about toxic shame…it’s a huge revelation for me and one that I think can strengthen me to become a more giving human being. If I got that from path, well, it was worth it. I would not have been on this blog and would not have heard about toxic shame. I know it.
For me, recovery is not about path, it’s about me.
And I do truly believe that is true for all of us. Path is gone, never was there…this time, yeah, it really is all about me…and you. This is not a normal relationship with talking, mutual struggles, arguing, hurting too. This involves a relationship between you and you, me and me.
I hope the court date is pure joy for you in each and every possible way.
Truly gorgeous post, Truth…
Wishing growing amts of peace and contentment, whatever it is you need to continue to prosper physically and emotionally. Big ol hug
Every day I find myself getting further and further from the entire experience. I dont fear looking back as much and acknowledging what happened.
I struggle with feeling angry about those in his life not knowing who he is. I struggle with knowing all that was done for him on MY time by me and my family FOR him and having him accuse me of being ‘selfish’. I struggle with letting him go fully yet I am FULLY aware of my intentions by holding on-what Im holding onto is the ‘mask’ and THATS what pisses me off. Knowing that what hes showing to everyone else ‘new’ is the mask.
Its surreal to a degree when I think about it. Its like he compartmentalizes himself as he morphs into the same person time and time again until his mask wears off, damage is created, and he leaves. The pattern is this…
-meet new people-SUPPLY
-present his Fals Self until he’s ‘comfortable’ or he messes up unintentionally and his maks slips
-scramble to maintain the stauts quo of his false self because by this time, hes taking something of value from his sources of supply
-become lax with maintaining the mask because he believes his supply will NOT leave or discard HIM…hes safe
-minimal effort is put forth to maintain the mask as his supply is fully sucked in
-supply begins to set boundaries and its ‘game on’
-‘who he is’ rears its ugly head except his supply is thrown off guard because this is not who they believed him to be-they make excuses, give more chances
-he becomes so demanding that the supply begins to question their sanity
-his abuse is so apparent and deliberate he abandons his supply because they no longer agree to what he demands
-he discards and separates himself leaving supply feeling crazy and distraught
REPEAT AND RINSE…