By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of my cousins, a lovely lady in her early 80s, who still has every marble she ever had and a heart as big as a wash tub, sent me the following story in an e mail. I had heard the story years ago, but hadn’t read it in a long time, but today when I read it, I thought about how the psychopathic experience makes this a very valuable analogy.
A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.” He ”¦ proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it ”¦?” Still the hands were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do ”¦ this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air.
“My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are Special—Don’t EVER forget it.”
Count your blessings, not your problems.
The experience with a psychopathic abuser or any person who is abusive, manipulative, dishonest, hateful, malicious and lacks compassion, empathy or love crumples us, tears out feelings, and sometimes our very fibers, grinds us down ”¦ and yet, we do not lose our worth any more than the mutilated piece of currency does.
The media we see, read, and hear continually tells us that being young, beautiful, rich, stylishly dressed, cool, hip (or whatever today’s word is!) is what makes us valuable and pounds that message into our heads continually. This media message is however, not true! Let me repeat that, “This media message is not true!”
Our worth comes not from what the media says, not from what our neighbors think, or even from what our family and friends think, our value comes from what we are, who we are and what we think of ourselves.”¨If we examine ourselves and find ourselves less than we wish we were, we can be whatever we want to be in terms of the kind of person we want to be. Now, I’m not going to tell you that if you want to be an NBA star and you’re 50 years old and 5 feet 1 inch tall that you can become an NBA star, but if you are less honest than you want to be, less happy than you want to be, you can change that. You can improve yourself in so many ways to reach whatever emotional goals you set for yourself, but your basic worth can never be lost by what someone else does to you!
StillReeling, thank you for your words of support. Things will happen as they happen, and I’ll be okay in due time.
Onelukygurl, you will notice that HIS pattern is exaclty the same as just about every other survivors’ descriptions. They all follow nearly the exact same pattern of behaviors, though each situation is unique.
As for being angry – FEEL that anger! But, remember who is deserving of your anger. People that “don’t get it” are not at fault. They may be blind, in denial, or sitting the fence, but I have got to keep in mind that I was all of those things with regard to the exspath, myself. I reserve my anger for the exspath. I’m SLOWLY beginning to let go of the anger against myself, finally. But, it’s a comfortable cycle and setting that aside takes some work for me.
Hugs to you
StillReeling, et al…..if it’s possible, take a look at my posts from 7 months ago. Was I a raving lunatic, or WHAT?!
I’m getting there with the help of this site and my counseling therapist – and, scant few Real Lifers. It might be slow progress, but it’s progress, just the same.
HUGS TO ALL
Is there a way to filter or sort comments by member? I was poking around a bit with the RSS feed stuff, but I didn’t see anything.
It is comforting to know you thought you were a raving lunatic since I keep having pictures in my head of me foaming at the mouth while banging furiously away on the keyboard for the past week.
A short part of a ‘conversation’ had recently-
H(im) since you dont want to send our vid over the internet can you put it on a disk for me?
M(e) im not having this conversation. you cant stop
H you already said you would put it on a disk for me
M i can put it on a disk. sure, but im not sending it or givign it away until i can trust you…do you want to continue with this knowing where it will go? i feel pretty silly for thinking your motives ARENT ulterior
H ohhhh so when you said before you would put it on a disc and give it to me you lied…its OUR video so why is it up to you if i get a copy…how is that fair?
M this is badgering and thats abusive
H no, your bullshit power play is abusive…first its you wont send it over teh internet and now its you cant have it til i say…
M here we go again
H actually we arent…i have no choice, right, its not like i can drive
M what?
H sitting in bed in michigan, the power play you tried on me…its the same thing…you cant have it when I feel like givign it to you…sorry babe, thats not how I play…i expected you to keep your word (this situation had to do with after my gram passed i felt VERY sad and didnt want to stay at his families house any longer on a trip we took..i wanted to go home, asked him, he said no, i said yes because I drove so if I say were leaving, were leaving)
M im sick to my stomach. you have no idea what you are doing. actually, you know exactly when your doing. ill keep these texts and one day, one day, you will see how messed up this is…omg.
Onelukygurl, have you blocked his contacts, yet?
He is very, very sly – the focus is on this stupid video (bet you’ll never do another one for the rest of your life!), and him putting the onus of this on you, entirely. He is deliberately, and calculatingly buying time – he’s buying time until he can wear you down enough so that you’ll give this video up. Copy it? REALLY?? He is truly a jagoff.
Take the power and control away from him and give it back to yourself by BLOCKING everything about him – FB, email account, cell phone, telephone, Twitter, and carrier pigeon. Then, burn that farking thing and have a memorial service for it. That video was most likely made at his suggestion, yes? Well, forever burn this into your psyche: videos are for leverage, and nothing else.
And, if he wants to “keep” text messages, LET HIM. They’re his trophies, and that’s what the video is – a trophy. And, you can bet a year’s pay that he’d post it on the interwebs and pass the link along to every “friend” that you have if he ever manages to get his filthy hands on it.
You are so much more important than any video, Onelukygurl – you really are. And, that video recording is just a lure that he’s dropping out there to see if you’ll snap at it.
Brightest blessings to you
Yru
TrUtH
Yes… He’s blocked from ALL forms of communication. I did that after the texts and I found out he brought his ‘frirnd’ to Michigan to see his bio mom four days after texting me that. She’s got no idea of what he’s doin to her! You say buying time although I don’t understand for what.
The focus is on the video although is that really what he wants?
Truthspeak, great attitude and role model for all of us:) I just want to comment about your “day in court.” Remember who or what you are dealing with. It took me 2 1/2 years to get a divorce from a one year marriage to my sociopath. He was very calculating and I fought and fought and fought! I thought he would finally be exposed for who or what he really was and I unfortunately was completely dismayed. Trying to expose them for who or what they are will be a futile attempt and as I discovered, unnecessary. I wanted justice and for everyone to see what a real shit he was. Needless to say, my Attorney was the only one who WON. He said that he would need all day in court to fight him and reveal everything. After 2 1/2 years of fighting and waiting, I finally worked out a deal with the “Devil” myself and we signed papers at the Attorneys’ office. He signed and agreed to pay very little of what he owed, of course. I didn’t care at that point, I just wanted the nightmare to end. Although I have legal documentation, he has not paid me one penny of his debt in almost two years. I would have to pay more money to take him to court for contempt. He owes the IRS, credit cards, and pretty much everyone and owns nothing- so what is the use? He has no conscience, so he will never choose to do the right thing. Everything I’ve learned about justice does not apply when dealing with a sociopath. I have been blessed in so many ways and received more in letting it go and not trying to fight any more. It is good to have peace of mind and the craziness out of my life. I have rebuilt my finances and am in recovery from his destruction. I am not trying to discourage you. I am only sharing what happens to so many of us in the so called “justice system”. I wish you the absolute best!
Onelukygurl: It may be important for your ex to be able to pretend to new girlfriends that he is on good terms with previous girlfriends (like YOU!)
Having you send him the video AFTER the relationship has ended “proves” that the split was amicable, with no hard feelings on either side — at least that is how HE wants to see it, and how he will represent things to his friends, family and new girlfriends.
Do NOT send him the video. There is no telling how he will edit it — he could turn it into some kind of porno film and sell it online for all you know.
Break off all contact with him and destroy the video.
truebeliever: I ended up paying a fortune in legal bills in the same sort of situation. You cannot win with a sociopath, as they perjure themselves freely, and generally get away with it. They also fight for child custody that they aren’t really interested in, just for the FUN of it! For every dollar that I ever received in child support, I probably paid 10 or 20 dollars in legal fees. The money wasted on lawyers could have bought a nice house. If I had it to do all over again, there is an awful lot that I would do differently.
Try to consider it a learning experience and move on from it.