By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Good Morning Oxy,
This again is a timely article. We must be living in a parallel universe. Only yeasterday I was talking with a young woman about this very thing.
You are right on the money. I would like to add that It is the way WE react to a given situtation that determines who we are. We cannot change or control others decisions, actions or thoughts, We can contol ours.
Good food for the brain to think of all day, Thank you Joyce, God bless you, you are a blessing to all here, well respected and loved.
Have a wonderful day all.
Stay Safe, Stay Sane Seeing Clearly
Oxy,
Thank you so much for this insightful article. You are so right.
Oxy ~ “The only person I can change is myself” this is a lesson that is so hard to learn. I would say timely article BUT you should have written it 3 days ago.
Help, help everyone with their great advice, I need help. I am under attack by the P/daughter and even though I know better, I blew it, big time. Background – I have been sick, hubby is going in for cardiac cath, it was my anniversary then my late Mom’s birthday – STRESS – I’ll use that as my excuse.
She is insisting we come to her “home” for Thanksgiving, along with boyfriend’s family who believe I am an abusive, good for nothing piece of sh**. I grey rocked the first two times she pressed. Then stress induced eruption, I screamed leave me alone, I am not coming for Thanksgiving and hung up. She called back, screaming at me. I responded with what I thought of her, boyfriend and his family. Well, it wasn’t pretty. I took the phone off the hook for the rest of the day.
Next day, she calls and says I either talk or she will continue to call. She says she is apologizing, then goes on to really let her “mask” slip and she lets me have it with how she really feels about me. It was one of those conversations I have not had to deal with for almost 6 years. It was that feeling of sticking my head in a blender. I argued, logically (YES I KNOW BETTER) and it got all turned around and was very ugly. She said she is done with trying to have a relationshit with me. I said, thank God and hung up.
She called at 10 p.m., hubby was on his way out the door to work, but he answered and told her I was in bed and he was on his way out. She said she was calling to tell me how very sorry she was, her emotions (YEA RIGHT) got in the way and she said things she didn’t mean. She is going to call me today, anytime now.
What do I do now, act like I accept her apology and GREY ROCK everything and keep my big mouth shut? If I make her any madder, she will come after me BIG TIME. What would you guys do?
Sorry this is so long. HELP – Thanks
MiLo:
Yep, I think you answered it yourself…accept her apology and then gray rock her. Done. That is the only thing you can do at this point I think. Good luck to you and hugs to you.
Milo,
I’m so sorry that happened.
When we are tired or sick, it’s difficult to maintain composure, especially when being baited.
If she knew you were sick, she might have taken this opportunity to attack you for that very reason. In any case, she smelled blood in the water and is coming back to feed again. She’s going to ask you about thanksgiving again, be prepared.
Other than grey rock, the only thing I can think of right now, that might help is : use cliches.
Respond to her with useless verbiage, like, “it is what it is”, “it’s water under the bridge”, “you can’t go back in time.” , “No use crying over spilt milk”. “It’s all good.”
Spaths don’t understand words, so cliches seem important to them, because everyone says them.
What was the reason you gave her for not wanting to go to thanksgiving at her house?
Dear MiLo,
Ah my dear, I wish I had $1 for every time I have lost it and blown my stack! LOL I would be one RICH OLD WOMAN! LOL
Yea, I am with Louise, just “accept her apology” and YOU “apologize” for “blowing up” (be vague) and say that you are “Ill” and that you will THINK ABOUT the Thanksgiving invitation, but no promises…..that will buy you some time…
Of course, I would go there for TG and if it meant to “keep the peace” with her I would spend the day in the local ER with some vague chest pain….rather than go to her house, then eat at Denny’s. LOL
What I did was to go out of town or out of state to visit a friend for holidays to avoid holidays at egg donor’s with Uncle Monster.
Milo, I think most (if not all) of us have blown our stack under stress and gone off verbally on these creeps. It is difficult NOT to let them PUSH OUR BUTTONS. I’m getting BETTER about this but never will say “never again” because as surely as I do, I will “go off” again!
“Never name the well from which you will not drink”
You know what you are dealing with in her, and as self satisfying as it is to tell her to “fark off” you know that you HAVE TO HAVE CONTACT with her because the court makes you….and you also know that she will attack you AGAIN AND AGAIN if she “gets provocation” so you at least have to PRETEND “we’re a nice normal family” until Grand is 18. ((((hugs)))))) and my prayers, MiLo
Thank you Louise and Sky, I appreciate the input.
Sky, those are some good useless cliches that should work with her.
First I started by just saying it would be very hard to come because hubby works that night and must sleep during the day and just travel time is 2 hrs to her house. Then I said we always have Thanksgiving with ** and **. I could see that this was not going to satisfy her and I was going to be hearing about this for the next two months so I decided to pick my time and tell her I WAS NOT COMING. I thought I had found the perfect opportunity and told her I was uncomfortable around boyfriends relatives because they had treated me poorly in the past because of things (LIES) she had told them. She seemed to accept this THEN called the next day and started in on me. That’s when I LOST it.
I must somehow get back to the Grey Rock, that was working so well. It was good to see that she could not wear the “I’ve changed” mask for too long. But, I just can’t take another round with her right now, just can’t.
Thanks.
Oxy ~ thanks ~ I will not put Grand in the middle, no matter what….. That is what makes it so damn hard.
She was spitting “Grand has not been in my house since…” No where near right. How can you not even know that last time your own child was in your home????
“I haven’t spent a holiday with my son in 5 years.” She spent last Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day and Memorial Day THIS LAST YEAR with him. How can you not know that???
All kinds of details and things we did during court ….. did not even know what was awarded (guardianship/custody) or what court she was in…. How can you be that stupid.
No answer required – I already know, just blowing off steam.
Thanks everyone
She called ………. said she was sorry for pushing me so hard, realized I wasn’t feeling well and should have just dropped it. Can we start over with no hard feelings?
Oxy – I apologized (choke gag choke) for flying off the handle and for not telling her I was under a lot of stress
Sky – I actually pulled up your post while talking to her and I used “water under the bridge”, “can’t go back in time” & ended with “it’s all good” Worked like a charm.
I think I bought some time, I think she will leave me alone for awhile. I can start grey rocking her again.
The only statement I did make to her was I WILL NOT put Grand in the middle and I was SURE she felt the same way. She said, Oh, ofcourse yes, never put him in the middle.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I was afraid I would spend today curled in a fetal position while listening to a phone ring over and over.
MiLo,
Of course she can’t remember because those things (time with Grand) are not important to her, she just wants to control and if you were at that “thanksgiving gathering” you would be a CAPTIVE TARGET…my Uncle Monster would use others being around to verbally spit at me, but the last time he tried this, thinking that because ther were others around I WOULD NOT respond, but I did. I gathered the people up (we were bailing HIS hay as a favor) and we left, with HIS hay left lying on the ground to rot….so he got NO money out of the sale of the hay. When I left (he had NOT expected this!!!) his mouth was open like a fly trap! LOL He was SO sure of how I would react since there was a crowd and he thought I would be too embarrassed to do anything. LOL I SAVOR that day to this day! LOL ROTFLMAO
I think I’d keep it SIMPLE with her….and just say “Sorry, but John has to SLEEP that day so we cannot come.” Then just repeat, rinse and repeat again! Let her rage, but just repeat and repeat.
I know you are blowing off steam, MiLo, there comes a point that is ALL we can do sometimes is SAFELY blow off steam here where everyone KNOWS what you are going through, and appreciates the frustration you have in trying to deal with her for your Grandson’s sake. That is why I THANK GOD EVERY DAY that I do NOT have innocent grandchildren to suffer with a parent like my P son using them as a club to beat me over the head with. You have my admiration for all you have done to protect your grandson. I KNOW THE HIGH PRICE YOU HAVE PAID. (((Hugs))) and God bless.