By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Dear Ewe,
Good to see you back posting….glad to know you are still here. How in the world are you doing?
I think your advice to Marie about being careful with attorneys is right, I think a higher than “normal” percentage of them are high in P traits, but sometimes that can work in our favor in the “in-justice” system. LOL
Narcissists can be entertaining and thought provoking-at least mine is. I want to start by saying thank you to everyone here on lovefraud for posting to me, listening, and advising me on here, because I have learned so much from you. I am starting to look at narcissists as people have multiple personalities-in her case, two distinct ones. This narcissist is very much alike the one who brought me here, except the gender is different.
She is the one next door, the one who I was infatuated with for a long time, and thankfully no longer. When I deal with her I feel like I am dealing with “Sybil”” from the movie, except only with two personalities-although she changes those personalities quite quickly. The man who brought me here was the same way. They are also very alike because all they are concerned with is appearances and looking important. I had an experience this morning that really made me think a lot. I ended up taking her across the ferry to get her car from downtown.
Personality #1: hard-ass, bitchy, sarcastic, fiercely independent, dramaqueen-always made up and dressed up to look like a powerful businesswoman.
Personality #2: no makeup,sweet, sad-eyed, vulnerable lady in jeans or pajamas.
This morning I experienced both personalities within a two hour period and it was entertaining and made me think about a lot of things.
I called to ask her if she needed anything while I was out since she didn’t have her car. I got personality #2-told me that she got ill at an event last night and had to be taken home and she was sweet, grateful, and appreciative that I offered to take care of her and help her get her car-if she was well enough.
When I got home from errands she called to go get her car and when I came outside, there was personality #1. I told her that if she gets really sick to call me and not try to knock on my door-as she had talked about earlier, as to not risk passing out and hitting the sidewalk. It was amazing but for the first time, I even noticed that the tone of voice was different and louder, like she was trying to draw attention to herself. She said, “I really wanted to call out to you, but you can’t do anything anyway-what are you going to do, hold my hand?” I ignored that comment.
As soon as we headed to the ferry she started name dropping about all the important dignitaries that were at this gala last night and re-told the story about getting sick, except this time it was ten times more dramatic than before. I started talking to her about something and she was checking email and texting and ignoring me so I stopped talking. Later we were talking about my pre-emplyment testing/interview for Monday. The first thing she asked was if it was pschological testing. (gaslighting)
I was glad to drop her off at her car and immediately started thinking about my life and the differences between the two of us.
I am a public servant, have been my whole life, it’s my nature. Even though I cannot yet serve the public in the manner that I truly want, as a police officer, I am still a public servant as a nurse. That will do for now until it is the right time to make the other thing happen. I will always be a public servant. I don’t have a fake bone in my body, what you see is what you get. I am so not impressed by name dropping and self importance. I am nice to everyone I meet, no matter what color and get along with most people. I can fit in with the dignitaries but it isn’t my first choice.
At that point I started thinking about how I will be remembered when the day comes that I leave this earth, compared to how THEY will be remembered. I much prefer to be remembered as some one who worked hard, and served the public and made a difference in as many lives as I could. I would much prefer to be remembered like that-instead of who I knew. I am so proud to be a public servant. I don’t think THEY have any clue that some of us are unimpressed with them.
Those of us who have been victims of narcissists do have trouble avoiding the drama and falling for it and I also think that though empathic, we inherit small minute amounts of narcissism ourselves. I am very aware of that when I realize that she thinks that she is better than me because of how she is, and I think I am better than her for how I am. I don’t have any real use for THEM. I can treat THEM the way I treat others but recognize when they are spinning their webs and gray rock or avoid.
I realize that I am not ready for a relationship and it will be awhile until I am. I was very lonely before and my new cat has made the biggest difference for me. I am a much happier and content person with him with me. There’s even a difference in how her cat relates to her and how mine relates to me. Hers is standoffish and doesn’t try to get close. Mine is a total momma’s boy and loves to be all over me all the time. He always wants to do whatever I’m doing and eat what I’m eating. Maybe her cat knows that there’s something wrong with her.
Back to the relationship thing-I am strictly working on myself and that is enough since a lot of the loneliness has passed. I was really naive and foolish to fall for personality #2, because when I do ever get a relationship, it will probably be with some other kind of public servant. I have to know that the person that I want to spend my life with, holds the same things important that I do. I truly believe that would be the best match for me. Until then, we can all have pretty fullfilling sex lives with ourselves alone-not as good as the real thing but it’ll definitely do. My bedroom is right on the other side of hers and I’m sure she hears things, but I certainly won’t ever apologize for that.
I know that this post has been long but I had to express the satisfaction that I feel today that I am alright just how I am and ok with just how things are at the moment. I really believe that I am going to have a job soon. I had an interview last week and three more are scheduled. I am applying to schools to finish my bachelor’s degree in nursing, studying for my critical care boards, looking to start up my volunteer work with the police department, taking care of myself to lose weight and get in shape-20lbs down already. I am so relieved that I am much better able to deal with the Narcissists without getting into their drama and that it really is interesting how people with two personalities can exist like that. I would have a hard time flipping back and forth like that-it would be exhausting, confusing and stressful. I think that people with true dissociative personality like Sybil can’t control how all that happens, but narcissists are way more deliberate in changing personalities to manipulate others.
Wow! Liz!
You’ve come a long way baby!
You finally see her for what she is: a narcissist. That is so awesome. Your cat must really be doing you a world of good. Maybe he is a magic cat that whispers wisdom in your ear while you sleep. It sounds like a purr but it’s really pearls of wisdom.
Your neighbor is probably not terribly dangerous but certainly not healthy for normal people. The name dropping is a huge red flag. All N’s do that. They are sooooo impressed with other people’s facades. And being seen in a specific light is so important to them too. It’s all about image.
But here’s the secret, Liz: Image is all they have. There is NOTHING beneath the facade. It’s hollow. That’s why it makes us empaths crazy. We fully expect to have a real person in there, but it’s as deep as a mirror.
When my cats were kittens, I used to amuse myself by placing a large mirror on the floor so they could see their reflections. The first time I did it, the kitten would be walking by and suddenly see ANOTHER CAT! He jumped up hissing and spitting with his fur all puffed up. Then he would move toward the mirror and attack. Eventually he notices something is not quite right and begins to inspect the mirror. He will peak behind the mirror and then look at the front again. He will keep walking around the mirror, inspecting every aspect, looking for the depth that he sees in the front. Eventually, he figures it out. He knows the kitty is just his own reflection and there is nothing really inside the mirror.
That’s exactly what happens to us when we meet an N or S or P. The confusion lasts only as long as we believe it’s real. When we finally realize that there is nothing there but a reflection of a person, we come back to our senses. Until that point, we act as crazy as those kitties!
Liz, your post was incredibly insightful. You sound very much like someone who knows who you are and where you are headed in life. I don’t doubt that when you are finally ready for a relationship, your partner will feel like the luckiest person on earth.
Sky-you are so right about the hollowness. I just had another experience a few minutes ago that just shows how NOT REAL they are. I was outside with a cold drink taking a break from studying and she came out the house to take out the trash. She said ” I have something for you” and I couldn’t imagine what. She hands me a brand new bottle of merlot.
She tells me this is real good merlot and says thank you for what you did today. I told her she didn’t have to give me that. She told me that it’s a real good merlot and that they serve it all their galas and that everyone raves about it. I told her that I had it before and that it was good. She said thank you again, acting like it was such a huge deal that I took her across the river to get her car and offered to take care of her if she was sick.
I told her that I don’t do things like that for other people for THINGS, that I do it because it’s a good thing to do and that’s me and how I do things. She said she knew that but to please take it and enjoy it. I really think that it’s so SAD that people think that people do things for others just to see what they can get out of it. I thought it was humorous and sad. I also agree that she isn’t dangerous, but I can only take her in small doses. The drama is exhausting and just kinda annoying-since I can’t relate to why they do things, because it’s against what I value. I also wonder if she was really doing it out of gratitude or to be a little superior to me and I wonder is she was concerned with people seeing her giving it to me-so she could be perceived as doing me some great favor.
I remembered something from the summer when I was washing her car all the time. I am going to start giving one of my neighbors rides sometime since her car died and she wants to give me gas money. This same neighbor was walking her dogs one morning and saw me washing DK’s car and said how nice it was that I did that, but she really hoped that she appreciated it. I started thinking that she would never think to do the same in return-so when I came home, no more washing her car and no more other favors-like carrying groceries, etc.
I did get the experience of seeing her getting picked up by a man the other night. I have to admit that it did hurt. But I was bothered that it hurt. I was bummed out and went to bed early and got up the next day and was fine. I had to tell myself that since I came home, that it was finally evident to me that we DID NOT belong together. It would be repeating the horrible cycles from my past and permanently being sucked in by THEM. There is no end to how long I will wait to get someone who will not only knock my socks off, but will value what I value and be real and be more compatible to me. I cannot teach someone her age how to be a lesbian-it is way to much work and it would involve infinite amounts of drama and unpleasantness.
Interacting with her is very interesting-like a little psychology lesson every time but I am very careful about how I react to her. It’s funny how when I was infatuated with her, it was SO exciting to be with her and spend time with her. Now it is just exhausting and boring. I can’t believe how boring I see her now.
Star-thank you very much for saying that. I just feel so relieved that I finally see things for what they are. It is so great that I am a public servant and it is with great honor that I am and that’s good enough for me. I will find someone eventually-after all my ducks are in a row and I am exactly where I want to be in life. I need more time alone separated from Narcissists and learning about them from watching my neighbor’s behavior and being on here. I don’t want any more disordered people around me.
Believe me too, my N mother is trying all sorts of ploys to get to me right now and I am just not biting.
Lizzy, Drink that Merlot and get your duck’s in a row. How’s Remy?
Liz,
That is what I do as well. I watch them and study them. Why not? That’s what they do to us to learn to fake emotions, so why not study them to learn how to spot them?
Ever since I came to terms with my mother’s spathticity, I cry a lot less. Actually went to deal with them the other day and didn’t cry at all. I’m quickly moving toward the point where I can see them and it’s just business, because I feel nothing for them. It’s awesome to only feel irritation toward them. There is some slime-feel left over, but that will pass too, I hope.
The parent hurdle is a huge one. I never thought I’d get to this point, but now that I have, I know where I’m going.
I don’t want to feel hate, or anger or hurt from N’s and S’s and P’s. Why should I when they aren’t even real?
Hens-Remy is awesome-my pride and joy. He wants to do what I’m doing all the time. If I’m working on the laptop he wants to be on the keyboard. If I’m studying he wants to sit on my book and he wants to eat what I’m eating. Made the mistake of giving him sushi the other night, cuz he begs and he has kinda a bad tummy now. He doesn’t like his water bowl but he will drink out of a glass. When he wants to wake me up at night, like if he’s hungry, I get a paw swat across the face. He’s very active-bouncing all over the house playing with his catnip mice and running around but we are trying to stop jumping on the counters in the kitchen. He also likes anything that he can roll around on the floor with his paws-ink pens, lipstick, bottles of nailpolish, chapstick is a favorite too. He is something else.
Sky-I love why should they bother us if they arent’ real. They’re just pathetic. My mother is a whole other story entirely. She is using my siblings and friends of the family to try to get to me. I really believe that one of the reasons that she thinks we’re one person and she wants to take over my life, is that maybe she can prevent me from being gay-guess what, WRONG, because there is nothing but women for this girl-FOREVER and totally proud of it and own it.
Stargazer:
Have fun at the movie tonight! 🙂