By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
lizzy – a water spray bottle squirt will get him off your counter tops. don’t make any fuss, just calmly pick up the bottle and squirt him in the face.
EB – that your kids expected no more *is* so sad. but they expect more from you, and in this way they *do* have a supportive family. they sound pretty equipped to deal with the ns and spaths in the world though. your transparency and honesty will always be the most important thing to counteract the potential harm done to them by the rest of the family. we only need one or two role models to make it through. (((((Hugs))))))
Louise, I don’t think I will go. I don’t think I can stay up that late! I’m already fading. I had a chocolate martini at my next door neighbor’s house. There is an encore presentation next weekend. I may try to go then.
Liz,
You cannot “teach” someone to change their sexual orientation. I don’t know if this is something anyone has control over. But it’s good you recognize who you are and what you want. You are a much braver person than I am. You took a giant risk with your neighbor, and you are my hero for that. I am basically a chicken shit about rejection.
Thanks Star, Onestep thanks for reminding me about the spray bottle. I did use it initially to keep Remy from climbing the drapes. Looks like I’ll have to pull it back out.
Narcissists I think have only superficial acquaintances that they call friends. Mine does anyway-doesn’t have a clue about what it means to be a friend to someone. I still can’t believe that she thought it was necessary to give me a bottle of wine just for taking her to get her car. That kinda stuff doesn’t make sense to me. To me, that’s what friends are for. She calls me a friend but she doesn’t have a clue what it means.
Stargazer:
Oh, I hope you can go next weekend. Too bad they only show it at midnight!
‘to keep him from climbing the drapes’…hehe he sounds very kittenish. I miss my mister grey. So wish i could have a kitty and dog. so glad you got remy lizzy – we all need love and companionship and as many people def suck at it, the animals are best.
Louise, I just saw the trailer for it – Wow, it’s much more horrible than the first one. I don’t know if I’m that brave…..
Liz,
What is so objectionable about a gift of a bottle of wine? I have gotten these as a gift when I’ve gone out of my way to do something for someone. I really appreciate when people give me gifts like that – I never take it as an act of narcissism. Maybe I’m missing something?
One-thanks, and I wish you could have an animal too-this is my first one and it has changed my life.
Star-I didn’t take the wine as objectionable but it was just the manner in which it was presented-more drama than necessary for a deed that was very small. She overdramatizes everything.
I’m just really picking up on what’s going on now with THEM. This morning I was studying outside since it was cool and pretty. She NEVER comes outside and she did this morning, waiting for her brother to pick her up. I was involved with my books and kinda gray rock. She tried to make conversation about something that was very superficial, yet again. When she saw that I wasn’t making a big deal out of what she was saying she went to go talk to the other neighbor a few houses down. I could her loud dramatic voice telling her stories-she found her audience. She’s all about exteriors and that is the opposite of me.
That makes sense. I’m finding so many of my neighbors toxic, but I get drawn to them only because of sheer loneliness and (sometimes) boredom. Also there is usually some connection and some level on which we share about our lives and help each other. The biggest issue I have with so many of them is their cell phone addiction. They go out of their way to invite me to spend time with them, then spend a chunk of it yacking on their cell phones, no matter where we are or what we are doing. The cell phone goes with them everywhere – they cannot work out without it, watch a movie, or play a game of scrabble without it. It seems totally insane to me. I have not been able to find people who don’t do this. I often end up just hanging out by myself or going to places where cell phones must be turned off. I want to confront all of them, but it seems socially unacceptable to do it, so I bottle the anger. This is my latest rant. I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I can’t just go around confronting every moron in line at the supermarket who is gabbing loudly on his/her cell phone. I don’t want to be the cellphone nazi!