By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Star – it is totally reasonable to ask people not to use their cell phones/ text when you are spending time with them. start with those people, then maybe you won’t want to clock the rest of them.
Star-the cell phone was one of the issues that I had yesterday. WHen I was on the ferry with her, I was trying to talk to her about my upcoming interviews and she was all over hers checking emails and texting and completely ignore me-so I quit talking to her. She obviously isn’t interested in a lot of things that I am concerned about. It’s selfish.
It IS selfish, Liz. It seems socially acceptable because everyone does it. I don’t even own a cell phone. I’m probably the last of a dying breed. I feel that when I am with someone, they deserve quality time from me and my undivided attention. I feel that with our busy lives, everyone’s time is valuable. Theirs and mine. I would NEVER invite someone over and then subject them to a 10 minute private phone conversation. Heck, if I invite someone over for dinner and my phone rings – unless I’m expecting a call – I let it go into voicemail. I have ended dates over the cell phone thing and ended friendships over it too. It just seems EVERYONE does it.
I once asked my neighbor to turn off her cell phone when we went to lunch. She put it on vibrate. She claimed she needed it in case a client called. (When was the last time someone needed an emergency facial?) But someone was trying to get a hold of her and called 4 times. I could see her squirming and distracted, trying hard not to answer. Finally I just said “you may as well just answer it” with obvious disdain in my voice. She did. It was just a girlfriend making plans for later in the weekend. Then she hung up and proceeded to then DESCRIBE the whole conversation to me (as if it wasn’t unpleasant enough to hear it the first time). What is WRONG with people? They just don’t get it. You can ask them till you’re blue in the face to turn off their phones, but watching them go through deprivation is almost more painful than just suffering through their phone conversations. I swear, Liz, if I ever find a small pocket of sanity in this world, I will move there and stay there.
And I’m telling you, One. If you are allergic to small furry animals, a snake is the way to go.
I took Veronica, my boa, to a reptile education day at the park a few weeks ago. She was crawling on the sidewalk, and don’t you know, she slithered right up to me and climbed my leg? It was totally adorable.
Star-I totally get what you are saying. My cell is my only phone and I do have email on it and all, but when I would have dinner with my neighbor, at HER request, she does the same thing-always emailing and once took a phone call from her sister-no emergency and talked for 15 minutes and held up ordering and everything. When I would go with her I would always put in on vibrate. I could see who was calling but I let it all go to voicemail. People just don’t have any consideration. The superficiality just gets to me. I am glad she is gone for the day, like I said, I can only take her in small doses. I will drink some of that wine with my dinner tonite though.
THat’s funny about your snake!
Another time recently, I cleaned out Veronica’s cage. Her aspen shavings were smelling funky, and I put some nice new fragrant ones in there. The whole time, Veronica was out on the patio exploring. I was keeping an eye on her. Her branches and hideboxes were in the middle of the living room floor. She checked out the patio and then came into the house. She went right for her stuff in the middle of the floor, checking them out carefully as if recognizing it as her stuff. Then she crawled over to me and climbed up my leg looking up at me. It was SO adorable! I scratched her little head. Then she saw her cage and made a beeline for it. She nestled into the clean aspen in the spot where her hidebox usually sits. I quickly put her hidebox back over her.
You cannot tell me that a snake cannot bond with its owner.
I used to have a cell phone for a few years. – it was mainly for business. But when I went out to dinner, I would always turn it off. I am not that important that I need to be accessible every minute of the day. But if I was expecting a call, I’d let my dinner companion know ahead of time, so it wouldn’t be a disruption. To me, this is common courtesy. You see so little of it in this society any more.
Star-that is cute. I love it how you can let her out like that and then she just comes back in, you don’t think of snakes being like other pets if you’re not used to them.
I regards to the cell phone thing, most of my friends aren’t bad about theirs. SHE is the only one who is just out of control with it, and it’s all about wanting me to know how important she thinks she is. The is “thinks she is”. Now that things have changed so much and I am so aware, I probably won’t be making any plans to do anything with her if I can avoid it. Since I’m not all infatuated and obsessed anymore, it makes it much easier to come up with other things to do-like studying to not make plans with her.
Honestly, I know it sounds bad but I will probably end up using her bad behavior to my advantage when I need to. Why shouldn’t WE benefit sometimes from THEIR craziness. I found out too that Katrina evidently really took her down a few notches. I feeel bad about what she went through but I also know that she would be ten times more over the top if she were still living in the elegant three story home overlooking the lake.
Sometimes also the cell phone makes you feel like a slave too. I don’t want to be “chained” to something like a lot of people are. I, like you, are definitely not that important that I need to be so accessible like that.