By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Stargazer:
I did see the wrong trailer because I didn’t see what you are talking about. Let me start looking for it…
You know all this talk about sensitive people being surrounded by spaths reminds me of an Argentinian film I saw many years ago called “Man Facing Southeast”. Really interesting depiction how very sensitive people are torn down by the attitudes and behaviors of modern society.
Star-it really is hard for those of us who are sensitive. I don’t know about you but it is very easy for me to feel torn down by other people. I just cannot tolerate nastiness. It stresses me out a lot. I had another good interview today and waiting is going to be the hard part to see if I get called back for a second one. I had one Thursday and I wonder how long it takes before they call people back. I have had people tell me that I’ll hear back from them and then I never do.
lizzy – do you call them back? you may already do this but if you don’t, just send an email, note or make a phone call thanking them for the interview and saying you hope that you will have a chance to work with them. it can tip the scale.
onestep-yes I’m sending notes.
go get ’em lizzy!
Thanks onestep-I just start wondering what the time frame is for waiting, like how long do they take to call back if they’re going to call you. Back in the day it would be really fast but now, not so much. I always feel good and confident right after the interview and when I have to go home and wait I get bummed out and start feeling negative. I guess maybe it’s because I’ve experienced so much negative that I start expecting it. I haven’t been called back for second interviews once since I started all this 8 months ago. Hell, I couldn’t even get the first interview til last week. Now all of a sudden there are three all together.
I agree, Liz. Nastiness can be very subtle, like what my neighbor did who “fixed” my bike. Remember that story? Or just a look from someone that is disapproving or says, “you’re crazy.” I’m sensitive to all kinds of stuff and don’t even realize I absorb it.
I have a place down the street called “Inner Connection Institute” where they do free aura cleansings on some Wednesdays. I used to go all the time. I’m better at keeping my space around me clean, but for a while they saved my life. I don’t know if you have anything like that where you live.
Anyway, sounds like things are looking up for you, and it’s just a matter of time before a job comes through **keeps fingers crossed for you**.
Lizzy – it changes so much from job to job. Someone i know advertised a position and got 100 applications. Took her a long time to get through the whole process. I only asked a few people for recos when i was looking for an asst. as i didn’t have the time to go through 100 apps. I invited 7 to submit, interviewed 5, and it took about 10 days after the last interviews to get back to everyone after i had called all of the references. I had a #1 and #2 candidate in mind, and wanted to make sure that #1’s references were good before I told #2 (or #3) that they didn’t get the position. I did get back to everyone – and have found other ways to help each of them in their job search. I know it’s brutal out there. the job search is demoralizing, so i will do what i can to help these folks.
if you are being interviewed by large HR depts. i am sure the timelines may be different.
hang in there – i went through the same thing – months without anything, and then 3 interviews in short order, with 2 call backs. I thought i was going to get the position I wanted. thought it was a great fit. I gave good interviews (2 panel interviews of 8 or so people each)…but i didn’t get the position. I got the one i have now. I have had 3 extensions on my contract thus far, and it looks like another is on its way. (we’ll see…but it looks good). I am finally starting to relax a bit. contract work is rough, but there are few options here, either.
i think the thing that helped me the most with not getting the one that i really wanted is that i had to immediately apply for and interview for the one i got….i didn’t have time to get upset or worried. it’s funny though…the first interview i had for the job i have went really well, and in the 2nd one of the interviewers FELL ASLEEP and the other was cold as stone (not sure what his story is btw). And THAT’S the job i was offered.
it has been demanding, challenging and really hard. but i think it is a good stepping stone. i am very aware of marketing myself at all times, building up my profile in the community, and planting seeds with other folks about how successful ‘we’ (read ‘I’) have been with our goals in the last 15 months. i won’t go anywhere for a while, but i am laying the foundation upon which i can build my exit strategy toward a job that is really fulfilling.
as someone who accepts adrenaline rushes when what i really want is fun, and great target successes when what i want is friendliness in my work life i can deal with this for a while longer. i had no choice …i was so poor. I had no income and i had to take the first semi decent position offered to me. The longer i have the job, the more options i will have (in many ways). I have paid down 1/3 of my debt in the last 12 months and have to keep chipping away at that. I have a roof, food, and have enough $ to start to address my MCS. Good enough for now. The job wears at my adrenals though, and this has got to stop…that will be a new target for me. I *am* getting better. Having a number of volunteers and a new asst. is challenging in a good way as I have to work very hard to be even and measured with them – to give them clear and concise parameters and be patient with them. it’s a blessing. i think i have worn out a couple of volunteers in the last year, but there has been a big shift in the last month.
(((hang in there – it is a game of percentages.)))
Onestep-I’m glad for you that your situation has extended so well for you. I hate waiting. It’s harder since I can’t pay my bills and I don’t know if I’ll be able to scrape rent together for next month. They act like they like me in the first interview and I just don’t know how long they’ll take to get me in for the second. Hospitals used to be so fast with it. For my last hated job that fired me, the managers called me the next day after the interview and offered me the job. I got another offer one time on my answering machine the same day after I got home from the interview. I am just praying that I get those second calls.
The lady from Thursday seemed to like me so much that I really felt like she wanted to make me an offer. She was the assistant manager and was going to talk to the manager to see if the manager needed to me me or not. This lady from this morning also seemed to like me a lot and was supposed to send my information right to the manager and she did tell me the next steps in the process after the second interview. I am just praying that it won’t take too lon. I have another interview on Monday for ICU and I am scared about that one because I will be with the manager and assistant manager and they are both guys. The only time I worked for a male nurse manager was this last contract that I lost, and all he did was fuck with me all the time. I feel intimidated about this next one-it’s the whole vibe about the guys.