By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
Skylar, remember me. Since I was last here I have learned some very interesting things. My mother is a full blown Narcissist. It took me two marriages to figure that out. That is one of the reasons I have trouble with boundaries, is I have spent a lot of time being subjected to gaslighting. Yes I now feel offended. My mother set me up for a high tolerance for emotional abuse. I have actually come a long way. I used to apologize to them. I still have to get someone else’s opinion as to whether something is actually abuse or not. Louise, right now it doesn’t really matter if he is married or not. I just feel stupid. Since he doesn’t live in my state but lives in a neighboring one I did think he might sooner or later ask me to meet him, but I was thinking that a phone call from someone from another state would just be a romantic friendship. I was wrong. Thanks for your imput. Also, even chatting with a girlfriend one usually says BRB phone or I have to go because dinner is ready. I think I can say this was the first time I was actually hung up on when no phone was involved.
True,
I can totally relate. A man made a pass at me the other day. I just laughed. He continued to pursue and I continued to find it funny. Then he said, “I’m glad you aren’t offended that I made a pass at you.” I said, “you didn’t make a pass at me.” He said, “yes, I did.” I said, “really? no you didn’t”
Today, I was thinking about it and thought, “Gee skylar, a guy would have to fondle you before you felt offended.”
Then I remembered the guy who first told me what a spath was. He also reached down and felt my leg. (to see how muscular I was, he said) And I didn’t feel offended either.
So now I think a guy would actually have to slug me in the face before I could feel offended.
It doesn’t matter too much, because, thanks to LF, I can intellectually determine when a boundary has been crossed, even if I can’t feel it.
I have not dated in over a year. I took myself off of dating sites because I was the same way. I just thought that maybe after all of this time I may be seeing things that aren’t there, but no. Whether he is a spath or not, not sure, but I do know he had a drinking problem at one time. He mentions that from his posts. When I had my standards set higher there for a while, I did not look at him as an option, then all of a sudden I guess I got bored one day and started flirting. With the internet, I think we forget that they are real people, and this is a real person I don’t think is even cute. He uses a scenery pic rather than his pic, but it is on his profile. He looks like Santa Clause. Skylar….thanks for the reality check.
True to self,
I have a list of “deal breakers”
Dishonesty of any sort in their past or present–any criminal record, cheating on wives or girl friends, stealing, lying etc.
Drug use or alcohol problems past or present
irresponsibility in any way–failure to keep a steady job or spend their money in a reasonable and responsible way. Pay their child support and emotionally support their kids
Many marriages or long term relationships or many short ones.
mooching and not paying their way.
I could go on but you can write your own list.
Players—and that is what this guy is doing, playing you. DUMP him ASAP LIKE A HOT ROCK.
PS: TRUE, dating sites on the internet are hunting grounds for psychopaths….find another way to meet people.
Hi Oxy,
today I had to deal with my parents because the IRS was fraudulantly trying to charge them $4000. Since I’ve been mostly NC, I didn’t file their 940 and 941 forms for their business. But I did make sure they didn’t owe any money before I went NC. Well the IRS pulled some numbers out of their ass – I talked to the agent and she admitted it, LOL – and came up with $4000.
Anyway, I filed the forms, called the agent and she said she would fix it. My dad was grateful and cried when I left. My mother tried to project her PD onto my dad by slandering him behind his back. LOL! Spaths actually show their colors MORE when they are trying to hide them.
Anyway, the great part was that she is affecting me less and less. In only 2 years, I’ve gone from crying uncontrollably over the spath mother, to being slightly amused by her. Who knew?
MiLo, Yea it felt good to stare her down….and she obviously didn’t want to be there so she got her BF who was there to buy stuff (he is a junk dealer) but they left shortly after I noticed her and stared her down.
I have no shame about how I treated her…I treated her well, and she stole from me, conspired to drive me out of my home, she stole from my mother, and tried to kill my son, not counting cheating on him. So, I have no use for her and I will go where I want to go and if she is uncomfortable in my presence she can go somewhere else.
Sky, that’s progress. Good job.
BTW,
my dad kept trying to write me a check for $1000 from his personal account – even before I fixed the problem. I said no.
When I’m done with all of this years bookkeeping I will charge them $3600 for the last 3 years of work. I will send them a bill. It won’t be charity, it will be business.
When I do finally leave them permanently, they will not be able to say they gave me money.
Oxy,
we posted over each other. Towanda to you for staring down the biatch. I wish you could stomp on her too, but oh well, we take what we can get.