By Joyce Alexander RNP (Retired)
We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed. For what then matters is to bear witness to the uniquely human potential at its best, which is to transform a personal tragedy into a triumph, to turn one’s predicament into a human achievement. When we are no longer able to change a situation just think of an incurable disease such as inoperable cancer we are challenged to change ourselves.
Dr. Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
I spent so much of my life trying to change others that it almost became a way of life for me. I was never very successful at changing others, but I never gave up trying. I have tenacity in great abundance and have succeeded in many endeavors, so I just knew if I kept on trying harder, trying different techniques, loved more, was more selfless and caring, that I could change the way others treated me. I could make them see just how much I loved them and was willing to sacrifice myself for them and they would treat me better because of that.
What I have come to understand, though, as I have started to heal from the wounds I allowed to be inflicted on me by those personality-disordered people in my life—people I loved very much, people I would have died for—is that the only person I can change is myself.
I had left my home, because my physical safety was no longer secure there, and was living in a recreational vehicle parked on some land by a lake that was owned by a friend. I felt very alone, lonely, wounded and destitute of all that mattered to me. During that time I had plenty of time for reflection, and it was also during that time that I found Lovefraud. I sat at my computer reading and weeping for 16 or more hours a day, and realized I was not alone in my pain, not alone in my woundedness, and that I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, successful person who had come upon a situation I could not fix.
Man’s Search for Meaning
By chance I found Dr. Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning, which he had written after his years in a Nazi concentration camp, during which time he lost everything and everyone in this world which had meaning to him, except his very life. The book was not only about the horrors that he experienced and saw, but about his and other’s emotional responses to this horror. He realized that there was nothing he could do about his situation, but find meaning in the most awful of events. He saw that some people in the camps just gave up and sat down and died, and that others became cruel and bitter, and still others found meaning and altruism in helping their fellow prisoners.
Compared to what Dr. Frankl had lost, I had actually lost very little, as I had enough to eat, no one was beating me, etc., and I began to feel guilty for being in so much pain, but then I read his explanation of how pain “works” in us. He explained that pain acts like a “gas.” If you put a small bit of a gas into an empty container, the gas expands to fill the container completely, or if you put in a large amount of gas into a small container it compresses and still fills the container completely. So my pain was just as “total” as his was, it filled me entirely. I had no reason to feel guilty for being in such emotional pain. Like Dr. Frankl, though, I had no way to change the people who were hurting me. I had no control over what they did. No matter how nice Dr. Frankl would have been to his captors, they would still not have loved him or been compassionate to him or caring.
Out of my control
I realized that the situation with others is, and always has been, out of my control. My ideas that if I just treated others well, did loving things to and for them, that they would love me back were totally false. Not only did I not have the power to control others’ behavior or thinking, my own idea that I could do so was keeping me from taking care of myself.
Fortunately, unlike Dr. Frankl, I had the option of getting away from those who would have harmed me. I could run away. It was only when my very life was threatened that I finally did run away, literally in the middle of the night. Sometimes it takes a hard “wake up call” to get us to see that we cannot change others, that we do not have the power to make someone love us, no matter how well we treat them, or what we give them, or what we do for them.
As a mother, I thought that if I were good to my children, and taught them “right from wrong,” that they would respect me and adhere to these principles of doing good. In effect, they would develop a “moral compass” and have empathy and compassion. The truth is, though, that everyone has a choice about how they think, what they feel and what they choose to do. Other than brute force, none of us can “control” another person’s behavior, and no one can control another’s thinking except by “trauma bonding” or “brainwashing.” So instead of controlling, I ended up being controlled, being manipulated, and used by the people I loved.
Starting to heal
About the time I read Dr. Frankl’s book, and started reading Lovefraud, I also started to heal. I started to realize that as painful as it was to realize that those I loved, truly loved, and wanted to love me, did not love me, which was proven by the way they treated me. I started to redefine even the word “love” as an action verb, not a noun. I started to see that I could not control anyone else’s thinking or behavior, but that I deserved to be treated as well as I treated others.
Knowledge truly is power! Knowing that we cannot change them, accepting that we cannot change them, and then changing our responses to their behavior is our salvation. Starting with “No Contact,” which gets us out of their emotional influence long enough that we can start to think rationally and logically rather than emotionally, we begin to heal. We start to change our own thinking and our own behaviors. We learn to set boundaries for what we will tolerate and allow, not only with the psychopaths and how they treat us, but for how we treat ourselves. We realize that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. We deserve to have compassion for ourselves, rather than waste it on those who will not change. We can’t change the world, we can’t change others, but we can and must change ourselves.
True-to-Self,
“The truth will set you free” another great cliche-but oh so true! Your statement of “I got bored one day and started flirting.” reminds me of my epiphany the other day. I was thinking about what a great time I had with my Ex-S. He was so much fun! and took me out of my responsible laden life- that I, myself, created. I was missing the escape that he provided me. I was envious that he didn’t seem to have stress and always knew what he wanted to do. I was so busy with his life and everyone else’ that I didn’t pay attention to my own. Needless to say, “It was the best of times and the worst of times…” I realize that I need to find out what I enjoy and go about living and doing it without an excuse or anyone else’ permission. It has been challenging and experimental too. I didn’t want to take the responsibility for my own boredom. I wanted someone else to take me away from it all! So I am in the process… Here is a post I saved from Rune in 2009. “Are you distracted from your own life by wanting to help others? If you end up helping someone, it should be someone who is already meaningful and helpful and present for you. How about focusing on nourishing yourself, spending time doing things that make you feel good, learning new things and so on. If you are focusing on these positive things for yourself, you’re less likely to put out the signal, “I’m here to help others- that draws out the leeches.” Great message:) Have a good night…
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Constantine, Yes of course it matters that he is married. I guess i said that because I was done with him anyway. I was just trying to figure out “What just happened here.” The reason that marriage doesn’t seem to be the issue is he uses a Droid to make his posts and you can tell he is on the road – truckstops, etc. So if he was married it would be irrelevant as his wife would not be traveling with him. That is why it just didn’t make sense that he could not use the phone……unless of course he just didn’t want to.
I am starting to think that maybe it isn’t me. It is him. He is just a jerk.
True-to-Self:
Of course it is not you!! Stop doing that to yourself! I did that to myself for a long time and it is so self defeating. You never even met this guy so how can it be you??
There is a reason he so abruptly ended the conversation and I know from experience (unfortunately) that a lot of times that means there is another woman in the picture. They walk in the room, etc. I know you said he is on the road in his truck, but I have known of women who do travel with their men in that way. You just never know and especially if you met him online…it is so easy to hide behind a computer screen or a Droid…people can be whoever they want to be. It’s so deceiving and false to me.
PLEASE do not think it is you. Hugs to you today!
Hello Everyone!!
My internet at home is out!!! It won’t be back for about a week (couldn’t pay the dang bill)
I managed to get in here and read this article at an internet cafe, but I have to run again.
I just wanted to say that this article is BEAUTIFUL and THANK YOU OXY for writing it.
I have so much more to say, but I gotta run. Next week I’ll be back regularly.
I miss you all have a nice week!!!!
(((hugs to all))))
Oxy,
I have not written down a list of dealbreakers, but I have them nonetheless. The last week of my tourleading tour in Peru, one of the guides of the 4 day trek to Machu Pichu started to hit on me, euhm actually after a few hours already on the hike to a 4600 m high pass. One moment it was just business, and all of a sudden he said something along the lines of “we should huddle close together to keep warm” jokingly, while taking a step closer to me, after he noticed me shuddering. It kinda took me by surprise. Came out of the blue. But in the consequitive days, we often ended up hiking together in front. I was mentally tired of the negative guy in my group, and therefore the whole group situation. For me it was a way to relax and relate to someone who’s under the same leading pressure. It never went physically far. But he was trying to get me turned on with attention, jokes. And it was surely noticeable to my group. Even when I at some point put a physical distance between him and I at a dinner table, he ended up moving to my spot after the dinner when I went to the loo. Anyway, I never asked, but the “negative” guy asked whether he had any kids the first day of the hike I think. And I overheard him say he had no children to my tourist. We had a plan to go out with him in Cuzco. And he gave me his card with phonenumber (just for me he said) to reach him if there were any change of plans in the meeting hour. There was a change of plans that evening, and I had waited for him at the meeting spot while my group was eating dinner, and he didn’t show. I called him afterwards, but ended up dialing the wrong number (his brothers). Anyway, though his flirting was not totally overt and kept within decent limits, somehow his attention had managed to get himself imaged thoroughly in my mind. If I closed my eyes, there he would be.
Anyway, the next day, my group had a day off from the program, and I was busy with organizing stuff and checking flight reservations on the internet. I had the card in my hand and out of the blue decided to check his facebook profile. Luckily it was not secured from people who are not fb friends, and I found out that he had a little daughter and a wife.
And all I could feel then was empathy for the wife. I faulted him for “innocently flirting” with me. Yes, physically speaking he had done nothing wrong. But he had enjoyed getting me attracted to him.
Yes, I know guides can be players. I’ve tourled for 8 years already, and had plenty of guides hit on me. I had taken this partly in account, but until I saw his fb profile I had not thought he was married with a kid.
Then I remembered a moment during the hike where he had pulled out his sweater and revealed he was wearing a t-shirt of a Belgian adventure show (people having to hitch hike in pairs somehwere abroad, and it’s a race against time, plus some puzzle games). What I noticed then and when remembering it, was how much time he took before putting on his backpack again after he too out that sweater. The show’s title and symbol was glaring in our face for a couple of minutes, before the backpack covered it. I remember thinking, “He did that on purpose. He wanted us to see he has a shirt of that show”. Of course, it became a topic of conversation with some of us and him. He had been a guide and prop actor on the show.
Anyway, the deliberate act of that shirt (which showed premeditation to impress), the lie about the child, and the imo heavy flirting while married with a child was enough for me to not even consider him as worthwhile to stay friends with.
When I met the group later that day for dinner, I told them that we’d probably would not meet with the guide anymore (they had asked me to attempt a new meeting), because his wife wanted him for herself in the 3-4 days he was home. They were all surprised. And my “negative” tourist? He expressed disbelief, retelling that he had asked him whether he had a child, and he had said no. I lied to him then, because I did not want to reveal how I had found out (wasn’t his business). I said that to me he had said he had been married and had a child already during the hike.
When the younger women (20 and 22) expressed shock and disappointment, the “negative” tourist reasoned that it was not always the smartest move for an attractive guide with lots of women in his group to reveal he’s already married. I ignored this total bullshit reasoning. But for me it’s bullshit. We’ve had plenty of guides who had been honest about their family situation, some more attractive than the other. Of course you’re not to put it all out there when donig a job like that, but you don’t have to pretend to be single and flirt either. That it is for the sake of not iring the women/men in your group who may fantasise about you is poppycock.
That is the second thing I observe in society so often. When someone does something they know to be wrong, they start to search for a reason to explain the behaviour and justify it somehow. I don’t, can’t and won’t do that anymore. I don’t need to know “why” someone does something unethical (as long as I’m not a juror). It’s enough for me to know and realize that it’s unethical, and that I don’t want to be around that person.
This brings me to the article. It’s true that we can’t change someone else. I actually went into the relationship with my spath with that truth in my soul. I remember an early dispute with my ex spath where he said he wanted a girlfriend who told him “Don’t do this”… who prevented him from making the wrong choices. And I told him, “Then you’re looking at the wrong woman. You have to make the right choices yourself. You have to learn to find your own boundaries.”
But what about the “so we must change ourselves”… It depends what is meant with changing ourselves. As I read the article, Oxy seems to mean, “we can change our choices to keep trying and hoping it will get better”. And with that I totally agree. But the title could be misinterpreted as “we must change our ethics”, “we must change our borders.” When the negative tourist justified the guide for lying to him about his parental status after a direct question about it, my tourist was also changing himself… he changed his ethics, from what he initially felt as unethical (a lie) to something ethical (a necessity). I changed too within my relationship. At some point I did start to say “Don’t do this,” for one reason only. Because my spath’s choices were directly hurting and affecting me. And I had a right to say “halt! here your personal freedom damages me and my life.” What I did not do was change the status of the relationship though. I stayed with him. And that is what I feel I should have done much earlier.
You can’t change them – true. But you shouldn’t change yourself either imo. You should change the relationship status: from partner/friend/acquaintance to none
I found this today, and wanted to share. It is about trauma bonding andis very insightful, so is well worth thetime it takes to read. It is a bit gender specific, and leans heavily on a feminist perspective, which might be a bit off-putting to some. It also stresses “violence” where it might have been more acurate to use, “psychological abuse”, but is still very enlightening:
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2005/10/loving-to-survive-sexual-terror-mens.html
Thank you, Louise. It is not me. It is him. Now he is acting moody, posting vague posts that even his male friends are trying to figure out. I am going to move on, but since nothing actually happened with us I can be thankful. Just going to enjoy my other friends. I do have female friends too. I have come a long way in learning to stand up for myself. It is time that I did what is best for me and quit trying to make a grouch ungrouchy. I csn’t please everyone.
TTS
Kim,
another excellent resource. Thank you. I’m saving that one.
I agree that all women experience some degree of stockholm syndome just by being women, but I’m not sure I agree that my heterosexuality is due to stockholm syndrome. I think, I’m just that way. LOL!
This raises an interesting question: can a psychopathic woman also be trauma bonded to men? I think it could happen.
Kim,
here’s a website with an overload of information, which you might find interesting as well:
http://www.reichandlowentherapy.org/index.html
I’m still working my way through it.
Darwinsmom,
thank you for sharing that story. I was able to draw parallels with the encounter with a recent lovebomber.
You said that his image kept popping up in your mind.
I find that is happening too, even though I didn’t take him seriously. I wonder if that is their intent and they knowingly do this?
Eitherway, I appreciate the “red alert” from you, to help me take notice of my own vulnerability.
That’s what is soooooo AWESOME about LF, it’s like having a psychotherapist on call 24/7.